Has Anyone Dealt With This?

Reena26 · Oct 2, 2020

Inlaws who came to visit the USA after getting retired who are negative and lazy? My inlaws are considered “educated class” in India. My FIL was a doctor there and my husband became a doctor there and came to the USA to work. As per the culture - they became dependant on my spouse once he started earning. They don’t drive or speak English. They don’t like to socialize with anyone. The few families here they do meet they like to gossip about instead of educating themselves. At home all day - they consider “labor work” low class as in India - they have maids, drivers etc. So they spend most of the day sleeping, passing time and gossiping or watching me/my son all day and passing negative comments all day at me. I try to keep myself busy but they have a problem I don’t sit and talk with them. They don’t realize that talking leads to issues and that here, you have to be productive all day. That has caused a lot of verbal abuse. They don’t like me to be independant as they are orthodox (Gujarati) and I am considered “The reputation of the home” So they want to keep me at home with them. My FIL refuses to even go out for a walk. They have no friends and just want to stay with their kids and go everywhere with their kids. They want to have the same relationship with my husband as before marriage even though we are married. We live in our own home and they have their own in India. But still they expect that we listen to them as elders and thereby giving them respect. Instead of respecting all the different generations in the home. The times have changed, the culture has changed. What they did for their kids 40 years ago does not hold any value anymore. But they keep going back to what they used to do for their kids. Instead of listening and respecting the younger generation, they expect submissive obedience. How to handle this?

DDream · Oct 3, 2020

Op, you can't change them. So just listen ( so that they feel respected), leave through other ear and do what you want . Learn how to say no in a sweet way. Just say, yeah,ok,hmm ,right, etc...wherever needed. Do whatever you can, dont over do and take care of yourself. Don't waste your precious time and energy to educate them. Dont allow their actions to control your peace of mind and happiness. If you need help, ask for help from your husband or outsource.

MalStrom · Oct 3, 2020

Do your in-laws live with you permanently?

geeta79 · Oct 3, 2020

Hi Reena, i guess what DDream is saying is apt. U cant change them. Listen from one ear n remove from the other. That doesnt mean u disrespect them (and im sure u dont), but simply listen to them, thats it. Make them understand by gently explaining them to have social circle of their own age group, beyond their house, their kids and grandkids. Tell them that even u and ur husband have a separate social circle of ur own age group and ur kids also have their own set of friends with whom they can socialize. Explain to them that they are wholely a part of ur family but it is important to have some same age friends and social circle with whom they can share their problems(if any at all), share common interests, share their life snippets and of course theres gossiping(to their hearts content)

Reena26 · Oct 15, 2020

geeta79 said: ↑

Hi Reena, i guess what DDream is saying is apt. U cant change them. Listen from one ear n remove from the other. That doesnt mean u disrespect them (and im sure u dont), but simply listen to them, thats it. Make them understand by gently explaining them to have social circle of their own age group, beyond their house, their kids and grandkids. Tell them that even u and ur husband have a separate social circle of ur own age group and ur kids also have their own set of friends with whom they can socialize. Explain to them that they are wholely a part of ur family but it is important to have some same age friends and social circle with whom they can share their problems(if any at all), share common interests, share their life snippets and of course theres gossiping(to their hearts content)
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The problem is their insecurity and jealousy. My mother in law is very very obsessed with her son. The “Golden child”. I think to the point of being mentally ill. Once we got married, she became very controlling. We were in the USA but she would sit on the video chat from India 2 hours a day stalking our lives here. Once she visited here they became insecure. They never wanted My husband to come here or marry a Western girl. That was his choice. So she made him suffer by forcing us/controlling/manipulating us here to live like in India. They did not want to mix with anybody so the rest of us could not. Before they came, my husband socialized with everybody. She would put words in his ears to turn him against others and make him believe that he is in America due to them so his duty is to take care of them. He became a doctor. They recognized themselves not him for his success. And in India you worship the mom like Lakshmi - as per all the folklores you read. We went from Social to depressed and fighting because of being socially isolated. And also - she created problems in all relations that were not previously there. She put words in his ears about my parents and he believed them. And same for other members. Result being he worshipped his mom who was perfect and could never be wrong. But now I have had the guts to tell a mature and respected member in our family about it. Who knows her. She was shocked and angry. Because being isolated with them made them abuse me verbally and put me down. Since I had no family I could talk to without her knowing - I began to doubt my reality and become mentally ill. I feel light now I have told others who support - since this is USA not India. I did it because I have a son to think of.

Goahead · Oct 15, 2020

Reena26 said: ↑

Inlaws who came to visit the USA after getting retired who are negative and lazy? My inlaws are considered “educated class” in India. My FIL was a doctor there and my husband became a doctor there and came to the USA to work. As per the culture - they became dependant on my spouse once he started earning. They don’t drive or speak English. They don’t like to socialize with anyone. The few families here they do meet they like to gossip about instead of educating themselves. At home all day - they consider “labor work” low class as in India - they have maids, drivers etc. So they spend most of the day sleeping, passing time and gossiping or watching me/my son all day and passing negative comments all day at me. I try to keep myself busy but they have a problem I don’t sit and talk with them. They don’t realize that talking leads to issues and that here, you have to be productive all day. That has caused a lot of verbal abuse. They don’t like me to be independant as they are orthodox (Gujarati) and I am considered “The reputation of the home” So they want to keep me at home with them. My FIL refuses to even go out for a walk. They have no friends and just want to stay with their kids and go everywhere with their kids. They want to have the same relationship with my husband as before marriage even though we are married. We live in our own home and they have their own in India. But still they expect that we listen to them as elders and thereby giving them respect. Instead of respecting all the different generations in the home. The times have changed, the culture has changed. What they did for their kids 40 years ago does not hold any value anymore. But they keep going back to what they used to do for their kids. Instead of listening and respecting the younger generation, they expect submissive obedience. How to handle this?
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I’m dealing with the same situation and I have started to dislike my husband as much as I dislike my mil .
My in-laws are also considered educated class in India : but are super smart , mean people , miser even for their own son as well.
My mil does no help here and make a big deal if she has to lift the vacuum as well .

she make sure to make us spend on them and sil as well . Accordingly to Indian culture then buys parents should give everything to son but no they modify the principles as per their benefit . We should do everything that as in is suppose to do , I should be a servant to them, they give us no space and even for a doctor visit they tag along . They go everywhere with us .. and make us spend so much for their vacations and hotels etc .. my husband become a puppet in his mother’s hand . He starts talking ******** like her like sil should be given gifts and money etc etc .

I have become very revengeful now . I’m an educated girl , do not want I laws money but they do not leave me alone . I’m self made and it is hard for me to act like their servant and agree to all the ladka ladki nonsense .. my mil has taunted me on several occasions about my parents should be giving gifts to her and sil etc .. I’m so revengeful now that I will literally fight with her next time she utters a word about my parents .

what matters is my relationship with husband and it is hanging on a thread . He a Vice President t of a company and I cannot believe that he becomes so influenced by his mom that he talks this nonsense of giving to Sil and taking from my parents . I have no respect left for him. My sister sends so many gifts to my kids but anytime I have to give her something. It’s a competition between his sister and my sister ..
I have come to conslusion that the fault likes with husband who lets I laws behave they are.

Goahead · Oct 15, 2020

I dnt have a solution but if you happen to find something let me know as well. I want to actually start some therapy for myself and want to look for a therapist of Indian origin who would understand the issues .

I feel so trapped in this family. I have 2 kids so do not want to leave because he is a good father and kids need him.
Ignorance is the key but it is hard to do so .
I have been practicing ignorance with little success . I have so much hate inside me that even now when my in-laws are in India for now - looking at her face ona video call boils me . Also she for sure says something very sweetly which is a taunt most of the times that I can understand .

if you find any other solution besides ignorance let me know as well ..