Cousins

The pregnancy mistake is one that many of us have made once, and then never again. Don’t beat yourself up too much.
You are also now old enough to have relationships with your cousins independent of your parents. To some extent they will be colored by underlying family dynamics, but you certainly be cordial. A quick congrats for an engagement shouldn’t need parental permission.
In my family we have several WhatsApp groups where the widest circle encompasses everyone, and then increasingly narrower ones depending on the individual relationships. It’s a great way to convey news and keep in touch, and then talk privately in more depth where appropriate.

 

Let me share my share of experiences with regards to my cousins.

We have always been very close with our maternal side of the families, and lived in the same locality as them. But we were kept in the dark about our paternal side of the families. Until I was around 12 or 13, I didn't know my dad had any siblings and family. His parents were no more, and the aunts and uncles from his side were non-existent for us.

When I was around 13, my mom moved to Canada to take care of grandma who was very sick that time. We were left at home with dad for nearly 6 months, and that's when dad took us to all of his siblings' homes.

To our surprise, there were 15 cousins, and all of them were in our age group. We were so excited to start a fresh relationship with all of them then.

In fact, we always hated our maternal relatives as they were very cunning and dominating. They were older than us, and we had nothing to be connected with them. Rather these relationships were forced on us.

Nevertheless, upon mom's return we had to cut ties all over again, and this time mom would tell us all the one sided stories of the past. We could not relate to her stories and the faces/characters of those aunts and uncles as they seems too innocent and good hearted people. But like any children of that age, we followed our mom and stood away from them. For our surprise dad didn't defend his family, but nodded for everything mom chose to say.

Fast forward to today....
We are all married, settled in lives and are professionals. More importantly, we are connected through social media & revived our relationships through that platform.
We don't discuss the old issues, no talks about our parents & family politics.
We have more to discuss as friends about our profession, general matters, jokes, kids and what not. We have a group and I am an active member and most sought after cousin in that group.

My advice to you is..... start afresh everything by leaving the baggage behind.
If you feel like talking, please go ahead and talk. Talk whatever you feel like without thinking too much about open secret and family politics.
Treat them like new friends, and initiate everything at there.
If they are in the same wavelength as you are, they will show interest in mingling with you. If not, the relationship will slowly die.
Whatever it is, it is worth starting now than feeling sorry later.

 

My experience so far :

My mothers side siblings were never too close . we were the only one in the north india and all my mothers siblings were in the south very close to each other. So it was always only us who would visit them and never them even if we were to request/plead them to come visit us (all expense paid) as my mother in the later part of life and sick would long to be with them. Even those who were physically fit , financially capable, free of responsibilities , love traveling and would often travel to other siblings home would resist to make this long trip on account of not being able to speak hindi. My father would often request them to come , offer to provide pickup/drop etc. My fathers behavior towards them was 100 times better than my mothers behavior towards fathers siblings. no one ever came and would talk all sugar coated words to my mother over the phone. this created a rift and to this day me and my brother have no contact with my mothers siblings/cousins. today i do think/agree that they may have had their fair reasons/apprehensions of a long travel etc.

my fathers side all the siblings are very closely attached to each other. all the siblings were very very well to do except my father. my mother had usual property distribution issues with my grandparents/fathers siblings . even today at any slightest of the family problems/ill health/death anything all the siblings come together and support each other even though each has their own issues with the others . closeness is only limited to the siblings. all my bua's during my grandparents lifetime created hell in the life of my mother and chachi's for various reasons which are not forgotten but they still talk nicely on the surface. all bua's kids are closer to each other compared to brothers kids aka us. my bua's complaint that all the bahus never let their kids mingle with them hence they are not close.
today both my brother and i realize that our mother was also not 100% right and just. and my bua's / chacha's/grandparents were also not fair to my mom. towards the end of my mothers life however it was my fathers siblings who helped us that we can never forget.

we cousins from my fathers side have a whatsapp group which is very active , its just fun group as all my cousins are younger or same age as me with no particular expectations or any serious discussions.

me and my brother often joke about this that my father has been really lucky . he and his siblings always stand together through any big or small problems . we envy and feel happy for him about this one. both of us can only hope to be like them.
such a bonding is no where to be seen in us cousins . maybe bond between siblings is different than with cousins. all of us cousins lead an independent life free of any direct issues (could have been indirectly influenced though) and whenever we meet we have fun , go to watch movies , outings , career etc nothing about parents.

I would say dont expect your cousins to tell you about family gossip , sharing good/bad news etc. be absolutely mindful of your boundaries in the beginning atleast by always taking a step back and only talk fun and general stuff.

 

Yeah, this is a tough one. For now I would suggest walk away. Keep things pleasant and formal. Find friends in other places - the planet is teeming with people.

Thing is, in my family dynamic I would have been your cousin a, b and c. And let me tell no matter what you do or don’t do, nothing you do will overcome the very long shadow, the very long history going back 40-50 years and innumerable fights right down to their childhood between the warring siblings. And capacity for digging can be limitless. So don’t go getting mixed up in it. You’ll only get hurt. Neither side (both gens incl) will even clearly hear what the other says because the parent’s shadow looms so large. And it will continue as long as the siblings are alive. If they take the initiative to reconcile its a different matter but not otherwise.

In my case a reconciliation of sorts has become possible after both the siblings passed. Yes then all the stuff about speaking for yourself, approaching them, acknowledging mistakes will have an effect. But not till then. Your mom’s authority to speak for herself will supersede your words during her lifetime.
It so happened that we cousins all live in the same city now so we meet at least once a year. And interestingly enough the next generation, our children, kept far from the drama and completely unaware of it, are the best of friends now.

 

It’s a formality to invite, if I am right. It usually follows how the relationship between parents are to decide the closeness with cousins. For reasons unknown relationship take different turns and once that happens it doesn’t always reverse the course.

Personally speaking I am not close to cousins except few. I find after marriage all have drifted away mostly because of different places of migrations. Distance had caused the drifting to be complete.

So don’t be so open and even if you want to be open and avoid secrets, you cannot expect same from your cousins. They might not have the same way of thinking or even want to be close enough. If they decide that they want you to be close to their lives they would be ones who actively continue to make contact and encourage the relationship. If on the other hand there is just a casual contact made by them, then the relationship will not be that open nor flourish long time. So take time to find at what level they are with you before being so open.