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Dh Moved Out...

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by snehalJoshi, Sep 1, 2020.

  1. confused4sure

    confused4sure Silver IL'ite

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    If we as adults are afraid of change, can you imagine how your DD should be feeling? Stop sending him messages. Tell your daughter, DD has gone away to become a better Dad and will come back once that is done. Until then, tell her it is only you and DD. try to make it fun for her. do things with her, that you could never do before.

    Sometimes, short term hardships is worth it for long term peace. He has moved out so use this as an opportunity to move forward and not get back in the trap. Make a list of all things that you need to sort out, before your husband comes back. Make him realize that you are no longer need him and are willing to move forward without him with confidence. Most men get scared of this image of their wife and will change their tunes. But don't expect it.... for the sake of your DDs confidence at least you should move away from your husband.
     
    SCA, shreepriya, Laks09 and 2 others like this.
  2. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Op,
    It is heart breaking to hear what you are going through. A 5 year old can only be mad or sad at her parents for short time. After that they bounce back to their carefree and naive nature. You are her mother, you know what is better for her. So do not feel guilty for what your husband did. If he did all those things you explained in the first post, it is not a healthy environment for your child to grow up. Your husband is not setting a good example for her. For a child to grow up, love and support from both parents are needed, but often that is not the case. Especially in yours, your husband did not respect you as a human being, let alone being his wife.
    Before you start to blame yourself, think about why you asked your husband to leave.
    In order to take care of your kid, you need to take care of yourself first (same principle of wearing the oxygen mask first before helping others). If your husband continues to behave the way he behaved, how do you think it will influence your kids? If staying separate brings peace, that is what you should do. Again, IMO, you should not sacrifice your health and sanity just to be with a person who is biological father of the kid. I just can't believe he threatened to beat and kill the child. If i hear that from my husband I would just walk away from that home the next moment. But everybody is different and have their own battles to fight.
    Kids can understand a lot of things, you can be 100% honest with her on what is going on. That is what i would suggest. Do not sugar coat or add drama, but explain why you are doing this. At the same time, emphasis that it is her father, she can see and talk to him time to time. When the initial things calm down, hopefully your husband will also be open to seeing and taking care of kid. meanwhile hang in there and don't lose hope. Stay strong for your kid. Strong mothers can do a lot for the kids. Teach your kid to be strong too.
     
    shama146, disillusion and nakshatra1 like this.
  3. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    OP, I talked to one of my acquaintance, who divorced after 25 years for similar reasons as yours. She seperated because her kids asked her to do so. She was honest with whats happening in her life with kids. So the transition was smooth.

    I believe you need to be honest with her too. Tell her both dad and mom loves her and both of you will be there for her. But dad and mom are not happy with each other so have to live in seperate houses. Dad is away to be a better dad and he will be back soon. Till then mom and dd will live happily. Be a loving confident women. Dont blame her dad. Tell her also that dad is not away because of her.

    Your husband is trying to punish you and dd . Just ignore him. He is childish. If he treats his daughter like this, no wonder he treated you that badly. Both of you deserve better.

    Please give confidence to dd. Let your husband live wherever he wants. Stop contacting him and give the same treatment back.

    Believe me, it has nothing to do with you. His insecurity, ego and complex talk here. Let him grow up and behave like an adult.
    You should be your priority now. You need to be there for your daughter. So please take care of yourself. This will also pass. Be optimistic.
     
    shreepriya, Angela123 and disillusion like this.
  4. snehalJoshi

    snehalJoshi Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you for all your support.
    This is the only place where i can share. Thank you all for reading my posts , for giving me suggestions and listening to me.

    The big drama that DH did this time is not usual, most of the times he is all by himself and likes to be left alone. If it was just me, I would have happily run away from this horrible relationship. I just want to make sure that for my happiness I don't choose to give my kids a fatherless life.

    Am I going to get re-married? NO, for sure. At least for next 15 yrs.

    Is he a good father - for 90% of the time, yes. He goes beyond his capacity to give something to DD if she really likes it. If DD says I like this kind of food, he would always try to surprise her by buying it for her or trying to cook something she likes. He will read a bed-time story for her, every single night and in return she has to press his legs by walking on his legs. He will press her clothes and keep those neatly in her closet. He would take her to playgrounds even if he is tired. He would take her studies. He won't think twice before arguing with other kids parents, if needed.

    Is he a good husband - for 90% of the time, no. We don't have a husband-wife relationship because of him. He hates me because I remind him of this issue. He hardly cares for me. He never enquires about my family in India or even bring their topic. He criticizes - every minute thing I do, every thing that is related to me, every thing that I like (be it a song I listen, movie I watch, food I eat, restaurant I choose, decision I make) you name it , he criticizes it if he knows i like it.

    If I leave him alone , he is ok. He has given me an offer - you and me should stop talking forever (talk only when it is needed) and raise kids.

    He is mostly busy with his work and most of the days he leaves for work at 6:30am and is back home not before 7pm. Just because of covid, he is home all the time.

    I am writing all this down because I want to really think before making any decision for the sake of my kid.

    About he disrespecting me , like spitting, saying things that I can't even type (things that are worse than F words) - I don't know how to forgive him. Last time, I had made a decision, once DD turns 18/ moves out of house for college, I will divorce him. But find it hard to follow. How can I ignore his constant criticism.
    Anyway, I don't even know if he is even considering coming back.
     
  5. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Will your husband agree to go to couples or family counseling?
     
  6. lavani

    lavani Platinum IL'ite

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    i read your post. why don't you try co-parenting. live seperate , without legal seperation. take care of kid equally. if you and he both work on yourself and after some months and year like to move in , do it.

    what your spouse does for kid is normal and happens in lot of families .

    Also please please stop thinking another marriage.
     
  7. disillusion

    disillusion Senior IL'ite

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    It’s very likely that things will become even worse, and it would be better for you to take steps to get out of this relationship. You should file a police report. Spitting is assault. He also threatened to kill you and your daughter. Take this seriously. Contact domestic violence agencies or shelters in your area for help. Start saving money for a retainer. The children will adjust better when they are younger. What he’s doing to your daughter is very cruel.
     
    KashmirFlower likes this.
  8. peartree

    peartree Platinum IL'ite

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    OP

    About what you have written about your husband being a good father, please note that it is just being a father. None of the things you have mentioned in there is anything extraordinary or special that he is doing. These are normal things any parent - mother or father - usually does for a child who cannot do these things for themselves.

    If a man is vicious enough to throw the kind of blame he did on a 5 yr old child, a child that is barely out of toddlerhood, no amount of him taking the child to the park or cooking her favorite things is going to make up for it. I am sorry, but your husband is a terrible person, who seems to have no problem inflicting such deep wounds on a little defenseless child just to prove his point. He is pathetic. Expose him to your family, his family, his friends, his co-workers, to everyone. You don't need to take the entire responsibility of somehow trying to save the relationship on yourself alone. You have a job and that is your biggest blessing.

    And believe me, this silent parenting will not work at all. I tend to go silent when I am mad at my husband and even in those short bouts of silence, I can see a marked difference in the entire environment of the house and just how much pressure it puts on my kids. They can totally sense the discomfort and resort to having to walk on egg shells around us. It is very, very unfair to put that pressure on the children to have to be responsible to maintain peace. Can you imagine your daughter constantly having to watch herself so that her dad doesn't end up getting angry at her? Can you imagine what it would do the child who can't be free to be herself. Please do not do this to your kids.

    In your bid to give your children a father, raising them around this man is only going to cause emotional damage to the sweet children. My heart really breaks for your little one. My younger child is exactly her age and I cannot imagine her going through this kind of trauma.
     
  9. shama146

    shama146 Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Snehal,
    Why women want to stick to the biological father, even if he is an abuser. My hubby is also emotionally very abusive. I am just putting up with him, coz I am financially dependent.
    Had I being financially secure, I would have kicked him out. Do hell with biological father. Your and DD piece of mind is above all.
    Pls leave this scumbag ASAP for the sake of your kids.
     
  10. snehalJoshi

    snehalJoshi Silver IL'ite

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    I agree, he doesn't do anything extra-special for his kids, every normal father would do what he is doing. but sometimes i feel, once he is gone, there won't be any father to replace and do things that he did for my DD.

    there will always be a void in her life that i can't fill.

    he putting this BIG blame on DD was the very first time he did in her life. Does he deserve a second chance?
    he is definitely a scumbag as far as his wife (me) is concerned. I have never ever witnessed any assault/abuse, verbal/physical in my life in my family. Spitting on me is way beyond something that I can forgive. That too when I did not provoke it, I did not utter a single provoking bad word, no physical body language that shows any type of aggression, no blame, nothing. I was quiet. He came put blame on my DD. I folded my hand and said "please please don't involve her in this" and he spitted on my face. How can I get over this? He hasn't even apologized, it has been 3-4 days. Even if he apologizes, how on earth can I forgive him for that.

    He said - I will kill you and your DD. Later I asked how can you even say this for my DD. He denied and said - he never said it.
    Lately, he is doing that to me. He says something and denies that he said or doesn't say something and then says - I had already told you.
    Not sure if this is a part of his some mind game or is he is psycho.

    My parents are old and having multiple health issues. I am very close to them. They know how unhappy I am in this marriage and my father has always asked me to leave him. My mother is very old-fashioned and although she doesn't openly says that I should leave him, somewhere she wants me to keep adjusting and stay with him. All my life I have been super-close to my mother. I have always felt like, whatever she says, is the right thing todo (more than what my father says). She hasn't been wrong , most of the times. She had told me not to marry this guy, mainly because of the cultural differences we have. but i married and my parents supported my decision.
    I don't really know why am i telling all this, but, bringing parents to this country when they're old and need doctor from time-to-time, will be hard. So, I can't really rely on my parents to be with me when i am a single mom.

    So will it just be me and my kids in this country? no one else? this thought scares me. I don't any real friends nearby. We have family friends but i can't share with them, i am not so close. we get-together mainly for kids and their play-dates. Also, friends we have are always together everywhere as couples, will this affect my kids to see all her friends with moms-and-dad and DD only with her mom.
    there are so many questions, insecurities that i have for being a single mom.

    Also when i file divorce, i won't be able to move to india permanently because DH won't let me.
    Also, although I love India, being a single mom in india might be difficult than being a single mom here, i feel.

    I don't know where/how should I gather all the strength to handle all this!
     

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