Cant Take It Anymore!! Superstressed

Girl,
First of all hugs to you. I can understand that being locked in with all these negative people and emotions around is frustrating. So again, lots of hugs to you.

We all have this tendency of remembering the past and then incessantly fuming over. it I know it, because I still cry thinking of how my MIL behaved 8 years back when I was pregnant with my second kid. Everyone around seems to have forgotten about it except me. I think there is a word for it - Closure. I never got closure. So I am still fuming. So trust me when I say that I totally get you. Here are some things that I feel may help you out.

1) Stop thinking of how MIL treats co-sis. Its difficult and sometimes nearly impossible not to. But you should understand that co-sis does not live with MIL. So constantly focusing on how your MIL is with co-sis is not going to change anything. If I ask you "so, you want MIL to treat co-sis horribly too? Will that make things better?", your obvious answer is going to be 'No, I want her to treat ME the way she treats co-sis" , which obviously is never going to happen. ACCEPT that part .MENTALLY affirm to yourself that how much ever you beat your head , your MIL will never treat you the way she treats co-sis and its not your fault and its not in your control.Stop thinking of MIL and Co-sis . That is their equation, take yourself out of it.

2) I know you cannot forget what your DH did 6 yrs back when he joined hands with BIL and MIL. Forgive him, but never forget . The point being- the more you have expectations of fighting this war FOR you, that is never going to happen. He will never be able to be your trusted lieutenant, the one who defends your name openly and burns down cities to protect your honor . He most probably has forgotten everything that has happened 6 yrs back, just wants to let things go, does not want to be pulled into unnecessary drama and is already thinking "in a year, no one will remember this, so just let it go". Of course he wont stand up to MIL or BIL, of course he wont see that his own mom is at fault. So what can you do? Accept this truth. Your DH is not on your side , and probably never will be. So all those tears you waste on the sob stories are wasted effort. Stop doing that , right now. No more complaining to him about MIL and BIL. Just maintain silence and just let all that go.

3) IF you look at it objectively, what is your actual issue now. You and MIL are not fighting over anything major. You are angry (and reasonably) that she makes breakfast for cosis, you are the maid etc. etc. Now that you have realized that this is not going to change and leaving your DH is not an option, focus on YOURSELF. Make YOU a priority . Start taking care of yourself. Do yoga, read a book ,pursue a hobby - just make sure that your life does not revolve around these idiots in whose life you are not a priority. Dont waste your positive energy on them. Go about livng life happily and believe me, THAT will piss them off. THAT is the best revenge you can give them. KARMA will do the rest.

 

Looks like you were writing what I went through sometimes back in my life.

Yes, I had a horrible past with PILs. H & BILs & PILs joined hands together against me, and made my life like a living hell - which is still causing me immense pain.
But life changed the moment my H sensed their cunning smells, and chose to stand by me after 5 years.
They slowly came back, projecting a nice face - My H was the first one to forgive them, and he eventually forced me to leave the past behind for a beautiful future.
I moved on, and the relationship with PILs were supper cool since then. That was around the time when both of my BILs were about to marry.
Their weddings happened, and the co-sisters joined the family.

We 3 co-sisters became very close to each other like sisters, and we had a lot of similarities in manythings that united us.
MIL was our joint enemy and looked like she did the same cunning drama in each of our lives in the past.

Both BILs sensed our closeness, and fueled the fire by showing their venom down my H's throat. He stood by them, and some fights started afterwards.
Meanwhile, I came to know all the bad talks MIL uttered about me, my family, my kids and H through co-sisters; thus I realized the fact that a leopard doesn't change its spots.
MIL can't change her enmity towards me, and she was just wearing a cool mask for whatever the reason to act as if everything is normal between us.

I was angry, not just for MIL's cunning & nasty comments about me - that too after having spent some good times together. Also I was angry that my H started believing them, and taking his bro's sides.
So, I gave my H an ultimatum.
Because I could not go back to the past, and could no longer suffer the pain of losing all my good days.
It affected my mental health, physical health, career and what not. I don't want to risk my life and that of my kids again with this.

So, I told my H to either chose us - the family he created or them - the family he came from IF he can not balance the both.
Balancing means, making sure both parties are unaffected. Because given this situation, I am terribly affected and he did nothing. I gave him 2 chances to be my H (to give that security and protection). He failed, so I decided my ways and firmly announced him.

He chose me. The rest is the history.

MIL is still angry.... Just talks with H, and no more relationship with us.
FIL is cool, and he as usual visit us.
BILs and Co-sisters are as usual, and we are happily together.
H is happy, and life is supper happy since then.

Find the answers from my experience, as it is close to what you are suffering now

 

I think my answer would also be on the lines above; You just have to stop expecting that they or anyone else is ever going to give you a good treatment that you expect! its all about expectation management and it starts with managing your own expectations.
Once you get used to not expecting anything positive from them, you'll learn to make yourself a priority and to fill your life with experiences that would make you hapyy.
If youcan't control your expectations, you have to hoodwink yourselves into believeing that you have given up o nthem, just repeat that to yourself daily and get ahead with your day. Stop wondering about how they behave with others and check yourself when you start thinking about those thoughts too
Take each day at a time and come to your zen time
Be only good to people who are good to you
It starts with you yourself
All The Best

 

Call family meeting and tell clearly your feelings to mil and bil. Don’t fight with dh. He himself must be victim. Tell your mil in front of bil if you like them please go and live with them. U have to speak up. All this stress even for few days will push u to depression for rest of your life. I have been there and now I regret for not taking strong stand 20 years back. I regret for keeping quiet for sake of earning respect from in laws, giving respect to elders etc. but it cost me life long pain. Whenever mil badmouth or show u grumpy face catch that moment to speak up there and there. Be strong.

 

Op

it’s in your best interest not to get affected by this negativity. All these incidents and bad memories will make you negative or depressed. So better you change yourself. When someone hurt you, immediately you talk loud and clear they are hurting you. Don’t nag husband. He is already in sandwich position. Tell brother in law in front of mil to taker his mother for few days. Talk sweetly she also need change and it will be nice for bil co sis to have her with them since they all get along. Remove fear from your mind. It’s your house and you are doing all housework alone. Be loud clear And confident.