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Older One Is Killing Me

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous in Parenting' started by sanjuruby3, Jul 24, 2020.

  1. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Platinum IL'ite

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    My older one, just turned 6 is killing me in this situation with younger 1 yr old, remote work balancing.
    As long as TV is on, she is fine. Else she is fighting all the time.

    She was trouble child from the beginning but it kept going worse as she grew older, then younger one came, she did not accept him for about year and situ has not changed much.
    Then, to make it worse, we went to India and got stranded at my ILs where nothing else but phone/tabs everyone all the time and i was only one screaming at her to stop her. Back to US, no socializtion here.. our neighbors not meeting or playing much because of COVID. She keeps fighting for each small things with us and brother. Won't share single toy with him. How she talks to me? I am watching you, I will rip you cut you this that.
    She won't share him any toy or book..not even baby books or toys. Whatever he touches, I was playing with him, I need it, no matter how little it is. Everything has to come to house for her. I know kids are like that.
    We go out, what did you bring for me, what are bringing for me, should not bring for him.
    Sometimes it gets hard, we are out, he is crying, she won't give any toy to him. She will share with friends but not with him.

    For any small thing, Oh my son is looking cute, Her - So I do not look cute .. I am not lovely, no you are lying. So you do not love me anymore.... her tone ..omg, like she is my head principal.

    When baby was born, she would deliberately open his baby stuff like bottles, start using it and take it away to keep.
    It is getting too much to bear now.
    We both have work and kids to manage. Can not take days off.
    H is on off phone all the time and low in patience. Leftover time, he is on TV/headsets or wants to sleep. He wont take kids out etc at all. He has his own mental problems and starts screaming on/off.

    Where is my H in all this? As I said before, he just screams once a day and poor girl gets screaming from everyone. He is not very active to play or spend time with them outside. He is happy and calm if someone some guest is in our home, and acts so happy, else he is a bomb.. does not have EARS at all and I alone
    can not fix her. I ask her lets go out for walk, but then some one needs to take care of other things ..and she herself wont like to walk or go outside without all of us going out. H is lazy and bit self centered.

    My son puts everything in his mouth and she does not stop. I had asked H not to bring small toys for same reason but again, he spolit her out of guilt for having son, he kept bringing..
    For any toy gifts for other kids, I do not have this. She has to have same which is probably normal, but she wants control of everything. Like for my son, we want to buy something, but we can not . She takes everything away he got when born.
     
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2020
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  2. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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    Sibling rivalry is a real thing. I remember I didn't get along with my sister until I was in high school. We fought physically most of the time. My parents would say something but mostly left it ourselves to figure it out. But we had social life (whatever we can call it), a lot of neighborkids and cousins to blow off our steam or even meaner than us which usually made us learn a lesson or two.

    These are my suggestions:
    1. If you have a yard, let your 6 year old play when it is not too hot, and let her play until she is tired. use sand boxes, or water tables etc. Or find some kind of physical activity for her. Sitting at home playing inside is hard for kids, her aggressive behavior may be coming from this.
    2. Remember to give on on one time with both kids, having a routine helps. Small one can sleep earlier. So you will have sometime with elder one. When she gets your attention, may be she will back down. Getting enough sleep is important for both of them. Also, when you have a routine, everything will fall in place, kids will know you have a work time, and they have scheduled things to do etc. It might take a while but IMO it's worth the effort. Support form H is greatly needed, but it is not impossible to do it alone, just hard. Aslo, if you have flexible work time, you can work a few hours after they go to sleep. Order groceries and everything online. Make easy meals in big batches and freeze. For kids, have plenty of snacks at hand, and dont worry if they dint eat a lot, if you can provide a healthy snack for a missed meal time, you should be good. Find ways to reduce the stress, that will help you think through and find better solutions because you are trying to do a lot with minimal help.
    3. Be firm and say no whenever needed, without yelling. Take away the toy/ screen time if you need to. You can still use time out for her in case of extreme behavior. One important thing is, do not fall for the screaming tantrums. We parents get intimidated when they scream loud, and give in to stop it. But if you ignore couple of times, they will learn it is not working and won't try it again. it worked well with my daughter. I tell her "you can cry all you want but you are not getting this toy" or screen time. Also, when she go beyond her regular screen time, she gets that many minutes less screen time, in the next turn. This has taught her to be careful. And I always follow through, it sounds mean, but I managed my kid while I was studying and living alone for almost 5 years, without parents or much help. I didnt have another way. Kids are very smart, when they know you are not watching, they will bend or work around the rules laid down by parents. Once you make the rules, be sure to follow through. Let your husband know so that he follows as well. Other wise you will be the bad cop. Since he is not helping much, may be he can comply with your guidelines.

    Like I said these are some suggestions. You might feel overwhelmed, but I cant think of anything else, that I would've done. Some days just break us, no matter what we do. Above all take care of yourself. Eat your multivitamin and hydrate. Let go things you cant do in a day. But try every day.
     
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  3. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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    Op I can relate to your story. When second baby comes suddenly new baby becomes central attraction and first one feels so jealous. But it’s phase it will go away. My both kids are teenagers now. I want to go back in time and hug them, assure them, give them security that I m there, mom love u so much, care for u so much. Less yelling and more understanding. We all are overwhelmed with work pressure but this shall pass. Tell your H if he doesn’t involve more in housework u will go away alone forever. Wake him from his self centered mode.
    Covid has made everyone’s life hard. Please be patient and keep explaining her he is your baby brother, he is fragile and we all are family, we have to take care of each other. Build extra patience and stamina to handle situation. God is testing all of us. Don’t scream on her. Try to involve her is painting or some creative activities. There are lot of online dance classes singing classes going on. This age girls like to make bracelets or some stuff from a c Moore, Michaels etc. give her some small chores and keep talking to her with patience. This shall pass.
     
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2020
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  4. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Platinum IL'ite

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    Pls go Parenting Class.
    Online options are plenty. Read books on parenting for 6-13 yr old. Available on Kindle
    This will help you.
    If your older one had simple issues even before you had your lil one. I think it would have triggered her more, you can't blame her.
    She is also a small child. Do activities based on age with her
    - Read with her
    - story time
    - give small tasks & awards
    - keep telling her it's her love making mom strong
    - share your woes with her like friend
    - go for cycling
    - small walk only with her.
    - have consistent rules
    - prepare a schedule for her / yourself too try to stick
    - ask husband to take care 2-3 things
    - for toy sharing ask her not to give her favorite toys. Label toys one for him / her. No one should take other . She would be tempted to touch his toys firmly tell you can play only if you share yours.
    Indian parents don't give much thought on parenting classes or rather give focus on academic sports coding classes.
    Pls attend parenting class for your peace you will get clarity. Or watch in YouTube
     
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  5. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    What are you feeding her? Make sure she is getting plenty of healthy fats, protein and vegetables and minimum sugar.
     
  6. Brevity

    Brevity Gold IL'ite

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    Give her small responsibilities. Tell her how much you count on her. 6 year Olds love to help.

    Tell her that she being the big sister, she is so strong and can do so much more than her little brother. Ask her to teach something to her brother, let it be colours, shapes, anything.

    Compliment her big time on the small stuff she does. Give her lots of positive attention so she doesn't demand negative attention.

    When my second baby was born, I made a big deal about the 1st one being the best big sister ever. Also made it a point to spend more time with her, attention on her even with baby on the lap, especially during the early days so she felt that she is the most important person to me. She was the best big sister ever for the first 5 years. After that the fight started.
     

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