Dramatic Mil

harithab · Jun 23, 2020

Angela123 said: ↑

Yes. It is, but we visit her when she has needs. It’s not like she is abandoned. We made a choice to live in the US, and every one the family knew it and we discussed how we will be taking care of things when it comes to things like this, since we won’t be available 24x7. It is not like we never mentioned the future.

Her cancer is very much under control, she is not going through chemo or an
y other difficult treatments like we have heard with regular cancer treatments. It’s not critical and her life is not dependent on the treatments (not my words, it’s what doc said, we call and discuss with her oncologist since DH went only twice last year with her to the treatments). What she is dealing with is the loneliness. BIL is moving soon (supposed to be in June but got pushed by COVID-19) , but we don’t know when. If I were her, I don’t think I would’ve made this fuss. I will be sad, but I won’t be over dramatic enough to take away peace of my children who is living half way across the globe, but that is just me.
DH and I discuss things over, I support him on whatever decision he makes. Since MIL switches sides between BIL and DH, he gets irritated. Between late FIL and her looks like there was a clear preference between one of the two sons and they show it.

Thing is, she has people and money to take care of her, for the three of us, there is only us! We do not have resource or support from both sides at this point, if something happens to one of us and we are not prepared.

I have been married for over 10 years now, lesson learned is stay away from MIL-DH warfare. I keep my relationship with her separate, we have good terms. But I can’t make decisions for DH, that won’t end well.
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Hi,

As of now and in future, we cannot predict anything considering COVID also !!!
If BIL and his family once comes and settles with ur MIL, then its really a good thing.
MILs current loneliness is really hard on her, but i guess if her son comes back , atleast there will be some relief.
A fluctuated and disturbed mind leads to behave dramatically, I feel. Noone can predict how human mind changes and decides something, specially in old age !
Mu suggestion is - ur DH needs to transfer the house and land to his mom rather than BIL !

I hope everything gets sorted out soon and all stays happy wherever they are.

Stay safe
Stay positive

Angela123 · Jun 26, 2020

Update: BIL is going home tomorrow with whole family. More drama to come.

harithab · Jun 28, 2020

Angela123 said: ↑

Update: BIL is going home tomorrow with whole family. More drama to come.
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Thats a great news that Ur BIL and family is going back home.
Lets think positively and hope that Ur MIL stays cool and adjust with her DIL , so that U guys also feel stress free.

Angela123 · Jul 22, 2020

Now that one of her sons is home, she wants to live with him (or expects he will"invite" her over, they are currently in quarantine, being returned to the country from outside). He blatantly told her yesterday that he needs the house and land sitting on it plus extra land. He will need this in his name and he will sell it to buy a house. And then only she can move in with him. These assets were supposed to be DH's if we did not spend anything for MIL, but only after MIL passes away. Now :
1. The paperwork and every single document associated with this is in DH's locker and key is with us in the US. unless we go in person, no one gets the document to change anything, we did this to save MIL from other cunning relatives, who live off of her.
2. We do not know when this lockdown ends to get there to settle this. What can we do to assure we are okay in changing the will (not sure if it is a will) so that if MIL is willing BIL gets whatever he wants?
3. MIL was initially ok, but got offended as soon as BIL asked land and stuff, now she is crying, no one wants me. MIL is very emotionally attached to the house and property, I can understand this, because she earned it, not inherited. I think she fears that her pride will be hurt if she has to go live in the house his son buys. They also want to live closer to his wife's parental house.
4. If BIL uses MIl's property to get himself a house, is it fair to ask to add MIL to be a co owner along with his wife? Because majority of money or even all of it might come from MIL's property and selling the current house. Also, MIL has pension and revenue from other land which BIL is definitely able to use if she is living with him. So I think co owning might be a good idea, if any problems arises in future.

Any thoughts fellow Ilites?

EagerForInfo · Jul 23, 2020

I thought it was the eldest sons responsibility to take care of parents? Not the youngest son. hmm...

candidheart · Jul 23, 2020

Angela123 said: ↑

4. If BIL uses MIl's property to get himself a house, is it fair to ask to add MIL to be a co owner along with his wife? Because majority of money or even all of it might come from MIL's property and selling the current house. Also, MIL has pension and revenue from other land which BIL is definitely able to use if she is living with him. So I think co owning might be a good idea, if any problems arises in future.

Any thoughts fellow Ilites?
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This is the best course of action. At any point of time she should have some property in her name until her lifetime.
We have seen so many parents transferring everything to children and later being ill treated or abandoned.
Please make sure she owns what she owns until her last breath.

candidheart · Jul 23, 2020

EagerForInfo said: ↑

I thought it was the eldest sons responsibility to take care of parents? Not the youngest son. hmm...
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Not Specific to this post, but in general IMO, all the children share equal responsibility for their parents.
When children expect to inherit equally, responsibility should also be.
Regardless of what you inherit or not children still have duty and responsibility towards parents.

MalStrom · Jul 23, 2020

EagerForInfo said: ↑

I thought it was the eldest sons responsibility to take care of parents? Not the youngest son. hmm...
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Why is it just one child’s and not the other’s?

Brevity · Jul 23, 2020

Tell your husband's brother that the only condition you and mil will sell the land and house to fund his house is if he buys the new place in mil's name completely if she us funding 100%, or at least in 50%.

Looks like you bil is not to be trusted, the relationship with Sil is not good. Better mil stay where she is especially since there is no guarantee that he will take care of her after selling off her property. Right now India has strict laws on children taking away parents' property and not taking care of aged parents. But most parents don't resort to legal ways.

I think best bet would be to let mil's current setup continue. It is good that your fil willed the house to you. Because mothers will fall for emotional pressure from sons. Your husband can be the bad guy here, refusing to sell. You and husband can visit India separately to check on both your parents. So, once every 6 months someone who cares about her will visit her. When her health improves, she could also visit you. Meanwhile, assure her continuously. It is scary to be sick and lonely.

DDream · Jul 23, 2020

One thing for sure, she will be the happiest one in her own home. I believe it's better to stay there than go after money minded son. Let her continue there as long as she is healthy.
There are so many bad stories we hear every day about how children treat their parents after they get their property. So support her to stay there and offer help if needed.