My Aunt

I have in the past shared my deepest, darkest moments in this forum. By talking about my pain, I have been able to let go and LIVE LIVE my life and not live my life in my head.

Off late my sister who got married a few months ago is struggling with her identity. We both went through an emotionally traumatic childhood.
In the first phase of at least my life, I can pinpoint my mother caused this upheaval, the second phase was when my father's health took a bad turn+ my mom's upheaval didn't end. Until I decided to go to boarding school.

My mom never let my sister and I bond as "sisters". My mother always made my sister make my mom her priority. Anyways my sister got married and now FINALLY she is out of my mom's clutches, my sister is able to recall her childhood and how shitty mom was.

When my sister confronts my mom- my mom outright told her "Don't talk to your sister, coz your sister has given me loads of grief"
My sister was taken back by this comment and she asked my mom " why do you think I am talking to my sister about this. I am asking you coz I am recollecting my childhood". Not only this offended me it also brought to light that how my mom has manipulated both my sister and me. And according to my sister We hadn't talked at all at the time she confronted mom. My mom words struck a chord in my sister and she has revisited all her memories and come to a conclusion how mom might have manipulated her.

With COVID and everyone at home after whatever my mom said- my sister and I are talking hours together ( which we never did) and we talk about our shitty childhood. I have already walked this path. I was on the path of healing. I have put things behind and was progressing in my life, focusing on my family, my life. Not that everything was great. I just don't want to relive my past again.

When I was on his journey of self-realization, my sister didn't help me one bit. I was still considered as "the princess who cries", she believed everything mom said and supported mom. She has even fought with me on my choices and how I should not be crying or talking about it.

Now, I don't want to revisit the past. Coz I have made peace with it. I feel like I don't need to spend my time and energy when my sis is walking the path.

I have told my sister to let go of the past, go to the therapist, and heal. I am sure, she might have gone to a therapist- but with COVID.
We talk about all our childhood memories, how both me and she saw the exact situation in a different light and explained differently and some repressed memories as well.
And there is new information comes out as well. One of the things that are bothering came out is my aunt.

MY AUNT- who was 12-14 years younger than my mom. She has been my mom's standard of the ideal child. When I was 6 years old my aunt was in her Engg program. Now you get the idea- I grew up with her setting examples for me. But actually ruining my childhood.
My aunt would take pocket money from my mom and buy stuff for my cousins and exclude me. Take my cousins out exclude me.
My aunt would live and die in my house, but the min when my grandpa showered love or affection coz I lived with my grandparents for 3 years- she would get extremely jealous and complain to my mom how I was being spoilt by her parents.

After her Engg, my aunt came to the US to work and has lived here ever since.
Even though my aunt was not in our lives, my mom constantly took advice from her, compared us to her. Made me feel I am worthless.
Now this aunt who has lived in the US, has constantly called out on me and try to create problems for me in my family circle coz she knows she can get away with it. Coz my mom doesn't say anything against her. As a matter of fact, defends my aunt's behavior rather than stand up for me or my family even.

Second- My aunt was the youngest kid in the family and she is REALLY Immature and she is always protected even by my other aunts/ uncle.

Third- My sister and I are fuming IS --IF my AUNT followed any parenting advice that she freely gave it to my mom when we were growing up, her kids would have had a bad mother too. But free advice was only for us.

Fourth- my aunt came to my sister's wedding and created so many stressful moments for me. I hated the whole event.

Finally, it all comes back to How did my mom NEVER love me as she loved my aunt? How did my mom take advice from a girl who hadn't experience marriage or children? What can blind someone so much that they don't love their own children and talk endlessly bad things about them?
Leaves a bitter afterthought on my family!
Just very upset and ranting, I guess.

 

Yes, you are right. My mom is everything that you have mentioned.

I am unable to let go forgive and forget. I understand my mom is in this trap. To an extent, I can just let go of things my mom did. But I no longer want to be treated badly by my aunt.
I confronted my aunt about a few things that she did for the first half of my sister's wedding.
I know that my aunt will blow it up by going to all my other aunts/ uncle and telling how rude I am to question her, make this into "how she is always right" and my mom will never say to her or to anyone in our family what exactly happened. My aunt will never even acknowledge that she is capable of hurting as she sits on the pristine throne. But that's ok.
I wanted my aunt to know that what she did is wrong its a form of abuse.

Coz I am not forgetting or forgiving my aunt for tormenting me as a child.
My dad was gone for most of the days either for business or personal trips my father's mother didn't stay with us very often. My mom would ask my aunt to come to our home to spend time with her.

My aunt and my mom would both lock me up in a dark room and call it "making me grow up". I really wonder if she dragged her 2 daughters and left them in a dark room. I would endlessly cry and be terrified. Nothing budged them. I could hear my aunt giggling behind the locked door. While I begged them to let me out. The door was opened only when I stopped crying.

My aunt and my mom hid my barbies, toys- as they both perceived it as a luxury. I have seen toys melted by just sitting idle in my mother's wardrobe and threw them about during my father's funeral. My mom outrightly has said "punish me for being a bad mother"! I sometimes wish I was never born to this women.

My aunt and my mom would make me wash my dog's food bowl at age 5. This was perfectly ok. My question to aunt- did she do it to her kids?
My mom and aunt were hands in gloves in raising me.

Both of them can convince themselves of whatever they both want to sleep at night.
I am unable to let go of the outrageous things that my aunt did to me.

It is soo easy for everyone to say to let go of the past and focus on the future. I truly wonder how much of the torment actually lead me to be the present me. ( other ant told me recently). Without thinking of this, I won't be able to put in the work that I need for the future.


I am a very bad place today.

 

I know nothing will come out of confronting my aunt. My aunt will push me and can spread more hate about me. She can choose what she wants to do.
At least I stood up and confronted her on her behavior!

Thanks for suggesting this to me. I will truly try it.