1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Pls Suggest I Am Confused

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by iman, Jun 18, 2020.

  1. Ragavisang

    Ragavisang Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    350
    Likes Received:
    438
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    We are eagerly waiting for you to find your wings iman. Our prayers are always with you dear.
     
  2. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

    Messages:
    1,917
    Likes Received:
    3,997
    Trophy Points:
    285
    Gender:
    Female
    No dear. He will immediately marry another one or find others to meet his needs. At least have the courage to text him that you are aware that he is cheating. But if he asks dont say anything else. Anyway, its up to you.He can argue that he didn't physically involve with anyone and find ways to manipulate it.

    You are not going to loose any thing. But what happened in your life. Why he dont have intimate relationship with you.

    It's your life, your choice . Staying or living dont have much difference in your case with this attitude. But its sure that this stress will slowly kill you and affect your health for sure. Take care
     
    Last edited: Jun 20, 2020
    shama146 and iman like this.
  3. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    1,800
    Likes Received:
    2,318
    Trophy Points:
    300
    Gender:
    Female
    upload_2020-6-19_22-1-57.png
    He said wife important, so you can do seva for him, he has not said in the context of companionship.
     
    iman likes this.
  4. iman

    iman Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    82
    Likes Received:
    15
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    Ddream and Kashmirflower, thanks , you both highlighted good points what about me where is my life all about him he didnt mentioned importance of good husband .

    I am combining all of your thoughts & point of views till now to take a final decision.
    As now you all understands me i, am.confused person and fearful.of .society. i am thinking all respect my parents family and as a couple we earned (superficial) but will.be lost in few minutes.
     
  5. startinganew

    startinganew Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    386
    Likes Received:
    670
    Trophy Points:
    173
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear @iman,
    My heart aches for you. After reading your post, I went back to look at some of your old posts. Even as long ago as 2007, 13 years ago :-(, you realized something was significantly wrong with your marriage dear.

    This line above is what is most revealing dear - you have been putting up with years of abuse from H because you think you are earning everyone's (parents, relatives, friends, etc) *respect* by staying married to a guy who superficially looks like a husband who takes care of you and provides for you. This is NOT TRUE. It is not *respect* you are earning from others - if all these people wanted you to be stuck married to a terrible man - you do not need their respect in any form.

    You are the most important person in your life and you are hurting yourself every day! what for? None of the other people you care about - are facing the pain, hurt and humiliation you are going through each day. Nobody really cares. Or they can't care for what they have no idea about.

    Getting divorced twice is not the end of the world. you have many more years of a good life.

    The absolute best thing in your favor:
    - you convinced him early in the marriage and decided to get back to working. My respect and sincere cheers to you for managing to do that. this is the very strength on which you have to rebuild your life. You can do it!! It will be hard - but you need to give your happiness a chance.

    I never rarely give my opinion on such a personal problem - but on reading your messages from back in 2007/2008, all I can say is - please walk out of the marriage with or without a divorce. You deserve a life without this person cheating you for any more that he already has.

    It is possible to live with dignity, self-respect and be happy - all by yourself. Remember it just does not matter what your friends, neighbors, families think of you. The only thing that matters is the life you lead and how you judge yourself. Initially people may try to convince you to work it out - but you have tried for more than 13 years! You have to live a life for yourself. These people you care so much about - might turn around and then come to respect you for taking the difficult decision to leave him. (not that it matters)

    I wish I could point you to the detailed stories of a couple of other ILites who have shared their stories about getting out of difficult marriages and starting afresh and being so happy that they did it.
     
    Vaikuntha, iman and shama146 like this.
  6. iman

    iman Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    82
    Likes Received:
    15
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear Startinganew
    You know u made me cry that much i am not finding enough words to reply you immidately. Your each and every sentences, contains encouragement and love for a human being, thanks alot for your thoughfullness. You have gone thru my earlier posts thanks for your special attention. Till now 10 times i read your post.
    Even in my earlier posts shama146 and others told.me to be bold and walk away but my sisters saying was final to me (blind faith) and I took my step back. I am determine now its enough , now I have many evidence also.
     
    KashmirFlower and shama146 like this.
  7. AppuMom

    AppuMom Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    303
    Likes Received:
    448
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear OP , Your siblings are supporting you or consoling you ..that's their duty ,but they may not be knowing what's actually happening inside you .It's a battle you need to take up all alone.You need to take charge of your life and do what brings you peace . You are living a miserable life and please come out of it and recharge your spirits.
    People usually say divorcee life is tough,but I believe those women who had a painful marriage ,a divorce brings a new ray of hope. We have so many succesful women around us who remained single , divorced or widowed ,yet lived their life to their heart's content .OP you deserve peace and happiness in your life and I really wish you find that soon.
     
    shama146 and iman like this.
  8. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

    Messages:
    1,917
    Likes Received:
    3,997
    Trophy Points:
    285
    Gender:
    Female
    OP, I read your old threads.I feel there can be a genuine reason why his first wife left him.

    Look like the issue of bad SMS was there in 2007 and he continued it behind your back. When his emotional needs are satisfied why he wants you. Just as a housekeeper and trophy wife.

    I dont know what happened between you two that drive both of you away. Most men connect with wife through physical relationship. Also need to understand difference in love language. When its missing, there is no glue to hold you together. Also ,he married you not out of love and but as a convenience. He already said everything will be inherited to his kids. You are nowhere in this equation.

    Why are you so afraid of him. Is there any physical abuse. Its obvious that you have reached a level where you cannot take this emotional abuse anymore.

    You have the following options. (1) accept it and live like this till end. Obviously you are not interested in it. Are you ready to live another 40 years like this. (2) Tell him that are not his wife anymore, but live like a roommate, but no service. You are anyway living like that. (3) seperate and live in another house in your current place or move to India or any other country. One advantage is that you don't have to go for divorce if he agrees with that or till he ask for divorce (4) divorce. Try for mutual. But you will not have the security of marriage but can give you a peaceful life with dignity. It will give you more options. (5) Both of you start fresh in all levels as third marriage. It can work if both of you have lot patience and he consider you as first priority and put some effort. Ask him to come for counseling else you will quit. But I dont think he is going to try. Again you will be in the same page. He is taking for you granted as he believes you are going to be there to serve him and sacrifice for him. So I dont think it works unless there is some magic.

    You are getting affected by his actions because you still have emotional attachment for whatever reasons with him. If there is no love, you dont feel anything I believe. Is there chance to see a counselor in your area. May be you get clarity if you vent there and can help you to gain some courage. It may also help you heal.

    Like others I believe this marriage dont serve any purpose. You are not treated as a wife. Walking out of marriage may be the best option to give you peace . It has been suggested in almost all of your threads by Ilites. These are based our conclusions from your posts. But you are the better judge of your situation and you only know what's best for you. Dont get emotional, but be practical. It's your life and no one is going to struggle or live for you. Do what's best for you. Take control of your life. Good luck
     
    Last edited: Jun 21, 2020
    lavani, startinganew and iman like this.
  9. iman

    iman Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    82
    Likes Received:
    15
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear DDream,
    thank you so much for time taken read and your wisdomful reply , I think sometime how come we here openly share ?. why in real , we dont get wonderful persons like you and other indus who can hug tight when a person in need. Yes that first wife is nice lady , might be she know he is womanizer
    In these years , she never.interefere in any ways with her kids n their father. My first marriage was remained only for 10 days , after many years i remained single even good nature n v.beautiful , society wanted what for their son i dont know??. I struggled alot outside world , in job matter etc but didnt make that much to survive alone. I was desperste to settle . When i married second time my age became 30.years.
    6 to.7 months passed fortunately i found indusladies i started to vent out but i couldnt take bold decision as I was not having any money and power . Yeh even he told me once woman is my weakness but i ignored. And as u said" he bought a housekeeper "without salary from India. If i.go back again twice divorcee n without money on the same step even on ground a fallen looser girl.
    And these years nothing happened. He is so much practical with me. No emotions , no love, no talks as it was mistake or compromise from our both side (arranged hurridley married ) , no chemistry. Just dinner time we used to meet then our own room with own hobby, cell whatever. I dont have dare to ask anything his body language (eye amd voice of tiger ) is enough to not to raise any question. in starting he showed his dangerous anger so i became afraid like a mouse and whatever less confidence i bought , that also gone.
    Ok one thing was for food , other household, any repair things, or his relatives, his kids , that he handled well, he respect me outside.
    He was not connected as i think no chemistry btw us, even am beautiful (if i wish any man can become die on me) but i was not that chalu smart fashionable and flirty of his type. Tell me how can i dress smartly if i am dying inside and no confidence , no love. ( here i am wrong, i cannot win him from other smart girls outside) and " dont fit in his equation"
    Now you got answer ddream
    "Why i was so afraid of him. " Two three times physical abuse happened due to his anger after i never discuss or ask or raise any question.
    Yeah now...." Its obvious that you have reached a level where you cannot take this emotional abuse anymore." Now my.body language.itself shows im.becoming powerful , now after 15 years job i saved enough, i am confident lady but ya wisdom came late , good time gone.

    Ddream out of your all options this one i like by seeing my age.
    3) seperate and live in another house in your current place or move to India or any other country. One advantage is that you don't have to go for divorce if he agrees ( he has to agree now else i will reveal his chats evidence to so called hypocrire society )
    whenever i ask my siblings they reply are like " 1) let him do its his body , 2) marriage is just a institute a project of 20 to 30 years. 3) Live seprate or.with him (alone ) is same " 4) you see around mostly 90 % rich travelling business men are like this (money for others girls not for wife) and now teenagers too more advanced ..all people are double faced corrupted self -centered so i got convinced everytime .

    So yes "Walking out of marriage may be the best option to give you peace." Dont get emotional, but be practical." Ok thats reason i waited many years for, Take control of your life" ok thats why i asked your all opinions non-emotional bold as again life brings me on choraha (signal) to take a best decision. Now i want freedom from him his kids (may be they are good or not indont know) too.
     
    Last edited: Jun 22, 2020

Share This Page