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Recharging Marital Life .

Discussion in 'Snippets of Life (Non-Fiction)' started by sln, May 20, 2020.

  1. sln

    sln Platinum IL'ite

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    Recharging Marital life .

    “When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.[George Bernard Shaw]

    In the present complex world of stress and strain marital life is under threat and the very institution of marriage is being questioned.Divorce cases are being filed for strange reasons like having a long nose,snoring,tooth picking , burping etc. That many of these problems can be rectified with patience and attention, is not given importance or tried.Give me space is the war cry among couples.Seniors add to the problems in the initial years of marriage till the Dil manages to acquire absolute control of her territory.Marriages cannot be disposed off like tissue paper but on the contrary the flame can be kept burning if only some thought is given.It also takes two to manage happiness.This has to come from within and not from some foreign self help books.

    Research and experience show that marriages go through three phases of “mooning,spooning and juneing”.In simple terms it means getting rid of inhibition for intimacy and finding great things about each other.Then comes a stage of identifying differences in interests,career goal etc and accepting such differences.As more and more differences emerge,there is anxiety to gain control and try to push our opinion.This results in a conflict and distance and silence separates the couple-say agree to disagree. I need space is the mutual war cry as Mr.Perfect very often conducts a course for his wife on home management and Mrs.perfect, a course on work life balance and management of children.

    Men are escapists and avoid confronting problems.Women are fighters and want to find a solution to the problems.I know a case where surgery of their son was postponed by seven years because of the reluctance of the husband to face the issue.On the other hand the woman forced the issue and admitted the son for the surgery.When the son was being wheeled into the operation theatre,husband told his wife”you have taken the decision and you are responsible for the consequences”The woman felt alone like never before in her life.

    I know a couple where the woman will not allow the man to watch TV and go on changing from one serial to another.She will not also allow him to buy another TV.While playing rummy,she will pack up, forcefully take over husband’s cards to play.Both are senior citizens who by their behaviour and fights on everything guided me to find ways and means of avoiding friction at home..Then there are couples where the man does not respond to questions or problems-stonewalling and ending the conversation.One of the reasons is his fear of unpredictable emotional reaction from his wife.Leave me alone and handle the problem yourself. For example disappearance of maids on long leave is a major problem for the wife whereas it is no consequence to the man. Corona has changed the perception and approach to such problems.

    Women think that the purpose of life is over after getting a child and quite a few are unmindful of their appearance whereas men like to see themselves trim all the time.Mutual attraction is an integral part of a successful married life.In one of the training programmes the lecturer advised the participants to make atleast one person happy every day.When some one said it is not possible ,the lecturer said”why don’t you tell your wife that she is beautiful as soon as you get up in the morning ?.There was silence and back came the reply” not in morning sir-evening is ok.”

    Personal habits and hygiene is a problem and a delicate matter to be handled with finesse.Recently court has ordered a plumber to change his personal hygiene and given him two months to correct himself failing which the wife’s petition for divorce will be granted. In another case a man bludgeoned his wife to death since she insisted on him to have a bath every time he returned from outside.This may sound uncouth but the fact cannot be brushed under the carpet.The reasons are endless but let me now share with you some ideas for reigniting the marital life.

    Physical intimacy is an important factor which can push aside many differences to the back burner.Taking each other for granted and not caring to be presentable erodes the attraction over a period of time.Touch satisfies the hierarchy of needs from intimacy to security and reassurance as we grow older.

    You can design your own married life by understanding and negotiating the differences.Problems should be sorted out by mutual discussion in an atmosphere of compromise.Communication should be absolutely open and free from fear of contradiction. In many cases couples don’t talk to each other as if that will solve the problem.On the other hand it only aggravates the problem as Ego becomes the villain of the piece. Rejoice the success of the spouse and facilitate friction free atmosphere for achieving greater heights.Develop a sense of humour and have fun together.Humour is a stress buster.While the man should share the responsibility of a bread winner the woman can take charge of banking,rental ,maintenance payment,utility bills etc in single income homes.Having Dinner together,watching some TV programs together help bridge the differences to some extent,

    After the chlidren are settled ,go on an unplanned holiday just by yourselves and rediscover each other.This will tell you how far away you have gone from each other. Holiday means excitement,adventure to a man while it means freedom from Kitchen and management of the house to a woman.A clear discussion in an accommodative spirit will make your holiday enjoyable.I have seen couples coming back from holiday sullen and morose as there was no convergence of view on how to relax on the holiday.

    Giving respect to each others parents and other relations brings about a sense of pride about the spouse.

    Developing interest in a common activity like scrabbles,cards,chess etc helps to spend quality time without any mental preoccupation

    Mutual trust and confidence on each other is the glue that binds them together. Transparency is an important factor in building trust and confidence.Many couples today check on the activity of spouses in social media.Henry Ford was complimented on the golden jubilee of his marriage.Asked about the success he said “I am a successful car maker by sticking to one model-the same formula for marriage also’”

    A woman in her forties went to a lawyer and told him that she not only wanted to divorce her husband and but also hurt him. The lawyer thought for a while and said go back and start showering all love and affection to him and when you know that his dependency on you has reached a point of no return, divorce him.This is the best way to hurt him.Even after six months when the lady did not return,she explained that her love and affection had changed the man completely to the extent that she could not imagine living without him.

    “There are no perfect husbands or perfect wives but you can still have perfect moments if you try”-whatsup message

    “TO KEEP THE FIRE BURNING THERE IS ONE EASY RULE.KEEP THE LOGS BURNING NEAR ENOUGH TO KEEP WARM AND FAR ENOUGH APART FOR BREATHING ROOM.GOOD FIRE,GOOD MARRIAGE SAME”

    REF- Reinvention of marriage - By Hara Estroff Maran
     
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  2. joylokhi

    joylokhi Platinum IL'ite

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    SLN sir,
    lovely pointers for recharging marital life which could very well be applied by couples.
    However, in practice i have seen that where there is an understanding or agreement that the marriage needs to be livened up by the couples, there would be no issue. In most cases, each would often feel it is the other who is at fault - which may be true or not. Many times, good intentions to try to make the other person understand our point of view itself leads to even further arguments and issues. Developing a common interest, going for vacations together etc can also only be achieved where there is a willingness to consider the others interests at heart.
    It is paradoxical that where there is this understanding, there would be no need of any corrective measures to liven up the marriage! I am speaking from personal experience, lets hear others point of view :blush:
     
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  3. HariLakhera

    HariLakhera Platinum IL'ite

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    It may sound some sort of a research but it is a fact men and women are different in many ways and that is the reason for harmony and discord both. It is not only in the beginning, but the whole life is an exercise in understanding each other, and that too inconclusive, pretensions apart.
    A woman want to be be listened. She does not expect her husband/partner to be a superman to have answers and solutions for all her questions and problems. She needs a sympathetic listener. That is all. She is capable of finding answers to her questions in her own way.
    Man on the other hand is executer. Give him a job and he will handle in his own way, rightly or wrongly, because he thinks he is the best. He does not like to be questioned but appreciated for his efforts.
    Where husband and wife can come to such understanding, marriage is bliss.
     
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  4. sln

    sln Platinum IL'ite

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  5. sln

    sln Platinum IL'ite

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    In the earlier days boys were better qualified,there was an age gap of atleast 5 years.and aping their mothers girls looked to their husbands for advice and decision. There is a tectonic shift and well qualified and confident girls question decisions and refuse to meekly accept any interference in their domain.There is fearless and open communication and yet divorce cases are on the rise EGO clash being the culprit.They are however honest enough to admit the failure of marriage. Unlike in the past divorced or widowed women/men have a chance to start life afresh.Many want to remain solo after a bitter experience and they dont face social ostracism.Two way open communication,accomodative spirit and shedding of EGO to a great extent help in an understanding marital life.Regards.SLN
     
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