Annoyed At New In Laws Behaviour

Is this the new 21st century lifestyle, get married find a house 2 streets from your parents and pay a daily visit to your parents’ house in the pretext of visiting and taking care of the parents ? If the elders (FIL and MIL) has a pea-sized brain they would have advised her to take care of her family and limited her visits and allowed some space for the newly married couple to bond, if the SIL was concerned of her parents she would have invited them to her house and made them relax in her house. The SIL type of a person thinks that everyone around her exists to serve her and her family, the spineless son-in law who outsources his responsibilities by sending his wife and kids to his FIL house and you are advising a newly married girl on how she should lead her life ?

She can also wake up early morning everyday and fall on the husbands feet and then fall on FIL and MIL feet and when her SIL comes for the daily visit she can fall on her feet and take the blessing then the whole family can live in peace and harmony.

 

If a man has no problem with his wife visiting her parents everyday, it makes him spineless, is it ? So if OP's H stops her visits to the parents place - its all good ??
Why do you think he ignores his responsibilities and outsources it to wife's family ?
Why dont you think the inlaws share a good relationship with their daughter and son-in-law and are more than happy to help where they can.
Why so much negativity ?

We know nothing about the lady who posted this response. She was trying to help the OP.
Maybe she faced certain issues in her marital life and she felt a friendly approach could have solved her issues and hence suggesting it to newly weds now ! Maybe she never had any issues because she was always a friendly person and is sharing a page out of her book.
Her suggestions might not align with your thoughts.

Why would you criticise her for her inputs ?

 

Do you want to start a poll in this forum and ask all the women in this forum a question

1. How many of you enjoy living with your IL's and entertain your SIL everyday ? when you get the results then we can have a discussion.

If the FIL loves his daughter so much then he should ask his son to live separately and entertain his daughter and grand kids.

 

Its a universal thing if you live in a joint family and then added to that you have SIL who comes over daily and makes the newly married girl feel like a alien, every girl will get annoyed and irritated no newly married person will tolerate this and say i will try friendly approach to solve my problem.

 

Relationships are not based on just blessing and luck - they are instead based on patience and understanding and willingness to adjust into a new environment. Newly married days are a great time not only to bond with the husband and be all romantic but also to understand the dynamics of the family one is married into. At the end of the day whether we like it or not - that's our extended family .
I am not saying one has to bear abuse.
Marriage is hard work. There will be hiccups for sure. We can make it lighter with some positive attitude.
What is wrong with being patient and trying to be friendly with inlaws and SIL ?

 

These kind of problems arise when people become progressive when it comes to daughter but traditional when it comes to son and dil.

They want daughter to live around them and stay a regular part of the family but want the dil to stay with them in a joint family.

Like @Minion mentioned . Let your son and dil have their own place and then you can live your life on your terms.

If the inlaws and sil were sensible,they would have given space to the new person in their household.
Sil has her own house . She should manage that place and not try to manage two houses.

More than the sil,it is the mil who seems to be immature and does not know how to balance . Why does she want to be a joint family if she doesn't want the bahu to be part of running the household?

It would be better if they had a joint family with the daughter and son in law instead of the son and dil and let the newly married couple have some space in their own home and life.


Why can't they be that progressive ?
That would be the solution .

 

Op has made it clear that option to stay away is not there for the present for her. She is newly married and these teething problems would always be there. @DDream and @sbonigala have given perfect advice in her circumstances. If in the beginning itself she starts putting her foot down and creates issues with her ILs knowing she has to continue to stay with them, it will turn out to be a very unpleasant stay for her, with no peace of mind for herself or her husband/inlaws. Just as it is difficult for her to feel part of a new family so early, the inlaws SIl etc too, would take their time to get used to the new member amongst their midst. It requires a lot of time and patience to build up some level of rapport in a joint family. Ofcourse there have been instances in plenty where the situation could continue as it is, inspite of best efforts and needs to be handled at the time accordingly.
Expecting parents of a son to go live with their daughter to prove themselves progressive, just doesnt make sense. This is a typical mother of daughters speaking, and this is where all the issues begin.

 

OP, thank you for the detailed reply.
Really appreciate the effort you put into giving us some details. It helps us help you.
It really feels like you don’t belong to the family , when your MIL doesn’t appreciate your choices. I get it. I really do.
Believe me I have been there for a few years when I was newly married.
Now i am married for 15 years - it was a long journey- mine being love marriage- inter faith and inter caste wedding - it wasn’t easy.
Now my MIL tells ppl that I am her bestie.
Hang in there my friend. Do nothing drastic.
Never ever hate (at least pretend not to) your SIL.
She is your H’s darling sister and daughter of the house. Don’t talk/act against her in your newly wed days.
Be diplomatic and smart. Keep your distance and laugh it off when she makes a joke about you waking up late - say “I am blessed with an amazing MIL, FIL and SIL - my SIL helps with house Chores too, so what else do I do but sleep in” or something funny like that but nothing rude or harsh or sarcastic.
Let the mum and daughter go out - don’t allow that to effect you. Use it as your “me” time.
Try and spend sometime with SIL and understand her thought process.
Try to take your MIl shopping with you when she least expects it but don’t over do it . Keep it special. Keep it random.

My MIL loved it when I took her out for street food date. She also loved it when I bought her flowers appreciating her hardwork in raising her son (my H) or when I asked her to teach me a recipe.or bought her matching bangles for saree she bought.

Married life is all about winning your H’s heart and maintaining decent enough cordial relationships with everyone else in the khaandaan.
That’s good enough. If you are able to do more than this - thats great.

 

OP, you cant change what they think and who they prefer.
Most Indian families seem to be hypocrites when it comes to what daughters can get away with vs what dil can.

I suggest you to stop trying so hard to fit in and be yourself and be fair. Visit your parents and your childhood friends and your fav office colleagues as much as you want. If they stop; then is your turn to shine!