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Annoyed At New In Laws Behaviour

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Shivika992, Apr 14, 2020.

  1. Shivika992

    Shivika992 Senior IL'ite

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    I am newly married.. and still adjusting to married life. My parents stay in another state, and I live with my dh and in laws. My sister in law lives with her husband and children a few houses. lately I have been annoyed by FIL. Sil & children seem to be his favourite in the whole world and we don’t stop hearing her praises and his love for her when she is around (every few days) or not.... also I have realised that he has never once praised dh for anything, or doesn’t seem to remember much of his childhood whereas remembers everything that dear sil did.. MIL is equal to both children.. I find FIL’s behaviour weird and irritating, as even i have a brother but I haven’t seen such differentiation between children.

    SIL gets all the attention and enjoys it. She is also competitive with me sometimes.. Makes me feel a bit like 2nd class member here. I come from a small family and have always got attention and love from both parents, so I feel bad for dh... and worry about differentiation towards future children from grandparents. How do I deal with this? I am working, so usually i am not at home, but how do i escape this talk and gushing over SIL and children all the time in lockdown? I am tired of it.
     
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  2. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    You are the precious princess in your parents home and so is your SIL in her parents eyes. Natural isn’t it ?
    Even your own parents would not consider their DIL as a princess, when they have their own daughter.
    Sons are normally not expressive with their emotions, while daughters are. So naturally the bond is different. To imply that your in-laws don’t like their son equally would be a little unfair.
    I think what’s bothering you is that you are expecting in-laws to treat you like their daughter and hence the disappointment.
    I don’t ever have a problem with in-laws doting on their daughter, the only issue is when they are overly critical of their DIL. That’s where the problem arises. If your in laws are not doing that, stop getting annoyed. Don’t look for problems when they don’t exist ( future grandkids !)
     
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  3. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    @SinghManisha has given a very wise reply. Exactly what I thought.

    OP, you are newly married. So dont make these comparisons take over your beautiful life. Accept that DIL will be DIL, not daughter, even to your parents. Your focus now should be on building a strong emotional bond and intimacy with your dh. If you say the things you have written to here to dh, it can lead to bad impression. Avoid complaining about them to your dh. Blood is thicker than water. So get rid of it from your mind. Talk good things if any and be silent if you dont have any. As you are newly married, be on observing mode. Try to understand them and see positives. If you can build a friendship with your PILs, every one will be happy. Be happy for SIL. It's my experience, and I have good relationship with PILs and DH's family.

    Dont worry much, they will treat your future kids well. If you have a daughter, most likely your dh treat her the same way like FIL to SIL. Look like he dont have other topics,observe him,and ask other questions like his family job,interests. I can discuss any general topics with my FIL. Another way is just smile like you agree and be busy with what you want to do. Divert the discussion in a smart way. But listening to him will create a comfort zone with you. Use that to your advantage. Good that you are working and it will save your time. You are a new person and it take years to accept you as their family. Be who you are and define your boundary. Slowly every thing fall in it's right place. Let SIL compete for her parents attention, who cares?. What you need is attention from your dh.

    What I understood is that you have a working relationship with them. That's a good start. Focus on building positivity. Focus on your life, lower your expectations and do your duty. Treat others the way you want yo be treated. Enjoy these days of your marriage life, time is precious. Good luck.
     
    Last edited: Apr 15, 2020
  4. Vaikuntha

    Vaikuntha Platinum IL'ite

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    OP,
    Looks like you lucky, you are working and have a small family at ILs and at parents- a key to happy dealing with ILS.
    Don't worry about FIL talking non stop DIL, I will give another perspective: somepeople have don't know what to talk so they find it easier to talk about their children and keep talking about. YOur FIL might be finding it hard to find something to talk in front of you, so SIL is an easy topic.
    Firstly, she is living there and has children, so they have been seeing her a lot in last 5-6 years- and hence, so easy to talk about. Also, it is possible that FIL likes the DIL, let it be- don't waste your energy on it.
    If SIL is competing, now that is not good
     
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  5. Minion

    Minion Platinum IL'ite

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    The issue is not just the SIL getting all the attention, it is also her SIL living a few houses from the IL’s house and probably visiting IL’s house frequently , this will automatically create unnecessary issues.

    When two adults (Husband and Wife) live under the same roof it creates problems now you add FIL, MIL, SIL it’s a recipe for daily problems.
     
    Last edited: Apr 15, 2020
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  6. hino

    hino Silver IL'ite

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    I can feel the burning smell... have fun
     
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  7. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    Yes, been there , done that. Unless OP has options of moving out and living away from any form of IL, she has to learn to live happily. There is no point creating unnecessary chaos in her head assuming things about future grandkids and husband not getting enough attention.


     
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  8. Shivika992

    Shivika992 Senior IL'ite

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    Thank you all for the replies, advice and lending a sympathetic ear... really helped me become calm as I was getting quite upset with their behaviour. Yes it is right DIL will not be daughter but I feel it is unfair that SIL gets to be around her parents all the time and I have to live far away from mine. As for worrying about future kids, I have seen the same case happen to cousin SIL whose dh’s sister also stays close to parents... but cousin SIL has her parents in same city to help. Yes I don’t have any option to move out and I have to accept the reality and live with it. But sometimes it is annoying having her around all the time. Dh and SIL are also in same social group due to less age difference. So I not only see SIL at home but also all functions and outings and SILs backhanded compliments/stealth insults to me don’t make her being around so much very enjoyable... My only getaway from ILs is going back to my parents home, which has not been possible in months..
     
    Last edited: Apr 17, 2020
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  9. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    It's totally unfair to think that a married girl should not be around her parents or brother often because her brother married another girl with her parents living away. Be happy for someone who has that privilege.

    Lot of negativity in your mind because you dont like SIL getting importance there. If she is not treating you with respect, then its issue, but you need to smartly define the boundary without hurting anyone. But with this negativity, your face, your body language etc will be negative and it lead to unpleasantness.

    So op, get rid of this thought . She is not interfering in your life or trying to control you. So better own your space and let her own it.

    Just imagine you have a daughter and son ,both married. Will you stop daughter s visit to make your dil happy..

    As SIL is staying near her parents home, it's not possible to stop her as long as her family support her visit. So worry about things you can control. Best option is moving to your own home and stay there with dh and your future kids. If not , try to understand your current situation, accept and try to make better.

    If you complain this to dh or others they may think you are getting possessive or jealous. If you dont like her make the interaction formal, like you treat any stranger with respect and mind your things.

    When she is around all the time( if she was unmarried she would have been living there), you dont need to entertain her every time. Find some excuse if you are bored, go to your room and be busy doing things or enjoy your "me time'. Always think before you speak.

    You are newly married. Its important to adjust and learn how to tackle the situation in better way by not creating conflicts. Try to hold the family together even if you dont like it. So watch and learn at least first few years. But be yourself and define the boundaries. Nurturing your relationship with dh is important at this period of marriage. So get rid of this thoughts even if its unpleasant and focus on your life. Think about how to spread positivity in your life and in others lives.


    How long have you been married?
     
    Last edited: Apr 17, 2020
  10. sbonigala

    sbonigala Platinum IL'ite

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    Did your wedding happen in order to pull you away from your family? Was that your inlaws intent ?
    Are you saying your SIL should not be around her parents because you are away from yours? Seriously?

    Please think of this when you have a kids and you actually see the difference in treatment. Also remember that you have to allow them to pamper the kids.They are only as close to you as you allow them to be.

    They are siblings. She was there even before you were in the picture. They will be close. You need to learn to accept the fact that just because you came they wont give up their bonding.
    Do you have a sibling ? Did you let go of your bond now that you are married ? Would you not have visited your sibling if you lived closer ?
    So far you did not tell us what insults you faced so we are unable to comment on that.
    Why have you not been able to visit your parents?

    I am very sorry to say this but you appear to be very jealous of your SIL for whatever reason. You dont want her to be around her parents, you dont want her to be close with her brother. You hate to see her in family functions (if everyone is inviting her to functions, it means she has good relationships with everyone - that's a great thing).
    What exactly is your problem with her? Does she interfere in your personal matters ? Does she bad mouth you to your H and your in-laws?

    You are forgetting that they are all a family - just like you and your parents. They will be together come what may. You are new in their home. You need to learn how to become a part of their family. They are also adjusting to you and your thought process. The only way to win people is through love and patience. With envy and jealousy there is a chance that you will have misunderstanding with your H sooner or later.
     
    Last edited: Apr 17, 2020
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