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Regret And Angry

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by RShashi, Jan 6, 2020.

  1. RShashi

    RShashi New IL'ite

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    I apologise for the lengthy post.
    I lost my father few months back. I was so close to the city where he was but I didn’t visit him when he was alive. I am so angry on me, living with regret daily.
    It’s been 9 years since in moved to USA. I used to visit India every once in 2 years. This time I couldn’t visit for 3.5 years due to visa renewal issues. I have lost my mother when i was 10 year, Father remarried soon after. Me & sis moved to hostel and we were not in good terms with stepmother & their son. I always used to think this way may be dad wants to show us his love and care , support us in everything but due to stepmother he couldn’t. She used to control my dad for everything, all our house finances went into her hand. My dad had changed when he got married. But still I used to love him as a father. Sis and BIL was not in good terms with dad because of property and was not speaking to dad from five years.He was close to me than my elder sis. During my all visits to India or during college holidays I used to go and meet my dad for one day. But this time I couldn’t. Things turned out this way.
    This time I visited India for 2 months & DH 3 weeks holiday. So DH told me to first & visit my side family before he comes to India. I was in tight schedule since we were hunting property to purchase also other so many things to do like visit DH cousin marriage and father-in-law heart operation. So decided to visit my side of family first for 2 weeks in that one whole day planned to spend with dad. My sis and her family is not in good terms with DH( sis family insulted DH & me during our last visit & DH didn’t liked their behaviour. Later Only sis and BIL asked sorry. I forgive people easily but DH not. After asking sorry again BIL went to relatives made DH as villain in front of all so he told me not to keep in contact with them. Without telling DH I was in contact with them all these years sis). As soon as I told sis that I am visiting India she started telling how could you not visit my house spend time with us and my son( 3 years old), what you will do 2 weeks going to grandparents house, she called me so many times and in-laws. I told her clearly that DH doesn’t like the idea of visiting you guys so I cannot come. You guys only come to grand parents house we all will have nice time there. But she didn’t agree to my plan and she was so stubborn to her plan come to my house for few days later we will go to grand parents house. Finally i went to her house without telling DH. My 2 weeks of planned schedule completely changed. My one 2 night stay in sis house extended to one week saying even I will come with you, I also want to meet everyone, don’t worry I will arrange everyone to meet you, I will invite everyone to gathering, how can I come for 2 weeks with my small kid my kid will get sick, my DH is traveling to Dubai for one week project work I have to pack for him all these reasons came out when I went there. I clearly told sis that you no need to come with me I am ok I can go alone and meet everyone after 2 days for stay with her, neither she was allowing me to go nor she was ready to come with me. And finally when we went to Pune from indore after a week( where my and sis family live) to one of my close cousin House even there also sis was planning as per her comfort. I had just only one week left still I haven’t met anyone & sis was planning whom she wants to meet. I was in a situation where I couldn’t refuse to go with her because people will feel bad that I have come till here but am not meeting them , I just got one day to spend with grand parents ( live in Nasik). Initially I planned to visit grandparents then from there dad’s place 360km. But now everything spoiled , I could not control my anger anymore and I fought with sis that because of you I couldn’t meet anyone and holiday spoiled and my 2 weeks came to end without meeting my dad and half my close cousins. I had to go back to Indore after my 2 weeks here since my FIL operation was there. With heavy heart I Returned to Indore, I consoled myself that I will meet dad after FIL operation/before DH cousin marriage. The next day of returning to Indore I got news that dad passed away.
    I was so broken inside. I was so close I could have met dad, I could have gone according to my plan , I could have not gone to sis house, If could have not listened to sis and I could have met dad alone and spent day with him. From past one year he used to ask me every time I call/ video call dad when are you coming to India I want to see you. Whatever the differences between us I always loved him. I was not able to cry during funeral, I was so angry and disappointed in me , I just wanted to scream on everyone, I just wanted to runaway from everyone.I am not able to forgive myself. Sis told me that at least he passed away when you are in India you could have seen his funeral, think that and try to be happy for that. But I am not able to forgive myself. Living day with regret and angry.after funeral I did not go anywhere and meet anyone, I went to depression, I couldn’t stay in India any longer as soon as FIlL operation and I postponed my tickets and came back to USA, I couldn’t concentrate on work so left my job.
     
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  2. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Platinum IL'ite

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    Oh dear, I am so so sorry , I can't imagine how much guilt you are carrying inside. Firstly its not your fault at all, I think it was just that you weren't destined to see him before he left. If you dont want to spend the rest of your life rethinking and agonizing about what happened, I think the only way is to get solace spiritually. I read a book called dying to be me , and that gave me a 360 degree new perspective on death and what happens after. I have ready many books on NDE's since and what I have learnt ( and I believe this a hundred percent) that when someone dies, their soul is still intact and they move onto a higher dimension. Their spirit/soul is watching over you , guiding you. Whatever separation you feel is on this earthly realm but in reality you aren't separated from them ever. Your fathers spirit is around you , and he would not want you to be anything but happy. You owe him that, so please forgive yourself, your sister and anyone else you think is at fault. His time had come to leave , his purpose in this life was over. Someday you will be reunited with him , till then feel his presence around you. Sending peace vibes to you.
     
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  3. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear OP,

    My heart felt condolences to you on the demise of your dad. May his soul rest in peace!

    My dad and I were so close, that my dad was my everything back then.
    He was such a sweet dad, who could do anything for his children.
    On the day of his sudden demise, he woke up early and left home to drop my sister at her university.
    I was still on bed. When he pat on my back and said bye, I was too lazy to come out of my blanket and reply. I pretended to be sleeping, and murmured bye while I was half sleep.

    He died on his way due to heart attack.

    We usually hug and kiss to bid good bye whenever one of us leave the home (for work or anything). But that day, since it was early in the morning, I was too sleepy and lazy that I took him granted; hence I paid the price.
    It was there in my mind for so long, that I couldn't forgive myself for that.
    I yearned for his last hug and kiss, and the sight of his smiling face. But that's destiny.

    Coming to work, meeting with people, and occupying myself with something important only brought me back to normalcy.
    PTSD should go away within 30 days on its own. No matter what, the sadness shouldn't impact your normalcy beyond that level. We humans are made to forget and let go of our bitter past, so moving on after whatever the disaster is just normal.

    I have a friend, whose husband and both children died on the Easter bomb blast in Sri lanka. She was shattered, and lost completely for nearly 1.5 months. The loneliness killed her, and what not.
    But 6 months down the line, she is functioning normal.
    The pain will be there forever, but that shouldn't affect your routine life. If that affects you so badly, that you had to leave your job and isolate yourself, then you must seek help.

    Apart from that, don't blame your sister. Perhaps she is selfish, and she used you in a way. But nothing was planned.
    You could have said NO, and moved on with your plan. It was your fault that you didn't know how to be assertive and say NO when it is needed. Learn that art.
    It will make you less regretful in life later on.
     
  4. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    My sincere condolences on your loss, @RShashi.
     
  5. mangaii

    mangaii Finest Post Winner

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    I'm sorry for your loss. Sometimes it is destiny . You cannot change what happened but what you can change is how you feel about the whole thing. We all die one day. Just one meeting before a person leaves this earth is not going to change anything. Your family setup is different from normal household. Your dad got remarried and you lived in boarding school. With this kind of upbringing I think the fact you were still connected with your dad needs to be applauded. It is not you were not in talking terms. One last visit will not change anything. It could have gone either way. Maybe there might have been some fight. Nobody knows. Just believe in super power. You were not destined to meet him. It has nothing to do with your sister. She was also part of the play.

    Your dad is your past and now your sister is the only blood relation you have . Don't spoil your future thinking about the past. If it was normal family setup you could have met your dad easily. So don't blame you or your sister. It was a circumstance beyond your control.

    That is great thing. How many people can do that ? You had a heart to love him now forgive yourself and your sister with the same heart.

    It was not your fault. So let it go..



    First and foremost use this opportunity to let your husband know that you re-established relationship with your sister. Please don't do any secret relationship .This will break your trust.

    This is a phase. Take your time to grieve but do learn to forgive during that process.You overcome huge loss at age of 10 now you are older and more wiser you can come out of this too.
     
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  6. Roar

    Roar Gold IL'ite

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    @RShashi ... I feel you pain. Been there and felt the stab.

    My similar experience:
    The last time my dad was on phone was to ask me how I landed up in a scholarship... I explained for 2 min and told 'gotta go will chat again'... He said he was proud... that was the last chat. He was too young and fairly healthy looking to die...so I just conveniently imagined another 20yrs with him.... I wanted him to see how abroad looks, get abroad pics and all with me. He never gave me a chance. I was outside India so I too like you was not near him.

    Only you can feel the pain and it stabs like a curved knife in your back. It was tough.

    But..... I realised that when I walk, I walked liked him, I have his nose and mainly I am carrying his values. HE IS A VITAL PART OF ME. So many have told this and now to in addition to me, my son resembles him a lot:).

    Life is energy, its not lost, it ceases to be in a form... He is alive in his ideas. Also my mum told me that he was happy for me and my sister and a trip abroad was not something he was missing. He was content.

    So I made peace... one day, I shall be a prt of what he is part of now. We were together, we are together and we shall be.

    One lesson I learnt: LIFE IS NOW. RIGHT NOW. LOVE NOW.
    Tomorrow , no guarentee.

    OP, its the fault of whomever who knew the future; which is no one. Reminiscing good memories will help you. He had to leave, and it was destined. There is no way around destiny.
    He remarried and things might not be 100% hunky dory but you both had fair amount of affection. A bond between a daughter and a father.
    Know that your father loved you, he would hate you to have this burden. Carry the love he gave. He is watching and he needs to see a happy darling daughter :).

    Tights hugs.
     
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2020
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  7. RShashi

    RShashi New IL'ite

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    Thank you all for your condolences and support.
    With nearly 6 months of depression and lot of DH’s help I have started going therapy. With lot of courage I started speaking. Recently I had a beautiful memorable dream. I just wanted to share with you all. My father came in my dream, I felt like it was real I could feel him, we went to our favourite restaurant we had lunch, then he told me to finish my work and then come meet him at the cinema hall(which he used to take me there when I was kid). I finished my work and went there and we went inside to watch movie but he got up and went outside in between and told me to continue watching the movie. I waited for him long he didn’t come back the movie finished and I came out and I found his brown diary. In that has written don’t cry i am going, but will always with you. when I woke up from dream I was swept in tears.
     
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  8. RShashi

    RShashi New IL'ite

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    Thanks @Shreema86 for your words. Yes you are right my fathers spirit is around me may be that’s why he came in dream. Please do suggest any other books you know which could be helpful to me
     
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  9. RShashi

    RShashi New IL'ite

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    Thanks for your condolences.
     
  10. SunPa

    SunPa Platinum IL'ite

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    @RShashi So glad you are getting better, Thanks for sharing!

    I had tears in my eyes when I read this -- so touching.
    That's your dad and universe telling you to move on
     

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