Super Super Stressed..

Discussion in 'General Discussions' started by anika987, Jan 30, 2020.

  1. beingmom

    beingmom Silver IL'ite

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    Anika,
    It seems like you're trying to join work only because of outside pressure.

    They're pulling your legs and make you feel guilty because you let them. They might be sensing that you have low confidence in that area and keeping targeting (maybe your face is showing that you're hurt). Some people want to see us hurt. Once they know that a specific topic is hurtful, they make sure to bring it up often.

    If I were you, I'd give back stating, "this works for my family", "my husband work is busy and I'm the caretaker of my kids". If you want to be a little mean, try "poor you, you have to work to support you family". "my kid and husband get the best care from me", "I don't need to earn. But, Poor you, look how you need to slog for money!".

    Even if you really have to prove somebody outside, just tell them i'm an admin for a social media influencer. When they ask more details, tell them that you signed an NDA and cannot share more details about the influencer.

    No one cares about you or your family. Make decisions that work for your family and don't make decisions that would work for outsiders and jeopardize your family's happiness. It's straight forward and I can't believe you're beating around the bush so long even after so many people trying to make you understand.

    I hope this thread gives you enough wisdom that you focus on your family's happiness more than the outsiders.
     
  2. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    dependable backup babyminders.
    Other people's schemes may not always work for your constraints.
    Not trivial at all. Everyone who tends to mull over the worse case scenarios in their minds, have this issue.

    Such worries are usually pushed to the back of one’s mind— with the help of various schemes: prayers, other misc mind trainings, attempts to live safer/healthier, getting appropriate insurance coverage or another source of income. None of these are trivial things. One can only do a combination of what is feasible, given one’s own unique constraints.
     
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  3. deepthyanoop

    deepthyanoop Gold IL'ite

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    Anika so you know your husband's hectic schedule, health problems and the importance of support you are now giving to him. Your kid is in elementary and you are a giving her your 100 percent. Your husband know your worth and he is just asking you to wait for sometime.. You know by you working things can get extremely difficult for your family as per your current situations. Things may be different if your husband's commute is short or if he have a flexible work.
    You in your mind know what you should for now..Your title reads super super stressed.. why? For people asking questions? They will always ask dear,no matter what..I don't know what to say anymore...
     
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  4. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    An idle mind is a devil’s playground. Looks like ‘An insecured or weak mind is a devil’s playground’ as well.

    Despite 100s of positive, supportive messages to you, it always starts right from the scratch.
    Don’t get me wrong, not saying you can’t vent about the same problem. But when we see that not a single thing we said has been tried or has helped, its difficult.

    Please check your health for menopausal / hormonal issues. It plays with the mind too.

    Countless times, you have been told about how lucky n blessed you are to have such a marriage, family n financial security. And that many women would like to be where you are.
    To place your family as a top priority than other jealous people’s words.
    To ignore them, own your home maker title or jus lie about a wfh/ part time job or brush them off.
    You understand that they are jealous of you.
    You know they won’t stop once you get a job, n that they will taunt you about your salary, your company, your position, about your family’s health and the way you take care of them or the lack of it. Basically they will have words to taunt you about everything. It’s not going to stop.

    You also know that your husband’s n kid’s health and care will take a back seat as it’s ‘only you’ who’s keeping it in control.

    Regardless of you loving to be a home maker, your insecurities will never let you accept that. Resulting in the mental state that you are in, causing stress to an already stressed husband, your kid growing with a highly insecured mother and all of this causing strain on a beautiful family.

    Try a counsellor for that. No harm in giving it a shot to see if it helps even 1%
     
  5. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    To be honest, I don’t think any amount of words can help you apart from you taking the job. Or else this may never stop. Your insecurities will be eating at you and you will be stressing over the exact same thing even after years.

    Be clear from day one, Don’t expect your dh to come running from 1hr 20 mins one way to rescue. He has been very vocal n clear about his job stress n that he’s working double hard to prove in his career. He provides well for you n your kid, unlike many. He’s not forcing you to work which you yourself isn’t very keen on, but you are forcing yourself to do this due to your insecurities.

    So, don’t count on your dh. He’s been clear from day 1. No point blaming him or fighting with him later.

    Aim should be to make atleast just enough money to hire a baby sitter.

    It’s between you, the school and a baby sitter. Have a few reliable baby sitter contacts around your area. If one isn’t available, use another. They should be able to take care when your kid is sick n during school offs n half days. Spend your energy on working that part.

    I don’t think there will be any fights between you n your dh when you ensure him that you can do this. That you aren’t gona force him to run around or blow a lot of money in baby sitting.

    I know a friend who went to work the 4th month after giving birth, leaving the infant with a baby sitter n started day care in a year. It’s not new, people do it.

    When there’s a will there’s a way for anything. If your will is that strong to work, regardless of the challenges you will find a way.

    Decide between working and being home maker n ‘stick’ to that decision. Even if you decide to work after 5 years, ‘stick’ to that decision. Don’t waver, it helps no one.
    In the process of not deciding n sticking to it, know you are hurting your beautiful family in the process. No matter how young, kids can feel the vibe of their parents n home, so know that all your stress n insecurities are rubbing on your kid too and that you are choosing to add all that negativity on your family by your own will.
     
  6. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    Why should you even try to explain others? You should lead your life according to your wishes and not on someone else petty comments who won’t even help you when you are in trouble.
    Best thing is wait until your daughter goes to middle school.
    Else you will spoil the otherwise happy life and relationship with your husband.

    Meanwhile do some certifications like Testing and stuff. Later move on to automation testing. In these 4 years you can learn something and then start searching for jobs.
     
  7. sandhya2020

    sandhya2020 Silver IL'ite

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    I agree.



    I have slightly different perspective - I found your husband to be very selfish.Just being a financial provider doesn't automatically make him great and supportive. He too is ambitious and wants to prove himself right. So he should understand your similar needs too. Threatening divorce and all , not compromising his own career. He knows how important it is for you to get a job, whatever may be the reason but you desperately want your own identity /job . So he should understand your state of mind and support you or you may become depressed- he really should understand he needs to take care of you emotionally too- and finally you got a job. If case was reversed and your husband had to sit at home and take care of kid, and everyone commented on him - how long he will just accept that he needs to support your high ambitions. So don't get intimidated/guilty.You seem to be having mild depression and I really feel this new job might make you happier and busy.

    From a third person's perspective, your being a homemaker and supporting your husband's career may seem financially this is best arrangement for you. But if your are not happy , you are not happy.I know many men who want to do job not because they love the job , but for social status - and I understand the social pressure you feel. So you have to do whatever it takes to prevent depression. But after getting job, focus on getting busy and not spending time with your toxic relatives.

    I would suggest you have got a job just stick to it. But what you have to do is avoid tension and argument in the family. Dont argue with your husband to do wfh,just hire nanny . Dont argue with husband that some lady saying this that and triggering you - show your mature side- say that you really want to do job it's imp to you. Talk maturely to him and not that you are triggered by your relatives'/ friends'comments. To some extent we all get affected by others'criticism but then we have to prioritise and do what makes us happy instead of changing ourself for every other person out there, From your posts I realised for your case , only working will make you happy. If you talk maturely with husband, he will also start taking seriously . Eventually when he sees you are taking your career seriously, he too will start compromising for you and helping in child care.






    .
     
    Last edited: Jan 31, 2020
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  8. Sri2196

    Sri2196 Silver IL'ite

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    You cant have the cake and eat it too. If your pay is not enough to cover daycare costs, then its simply not worth it. Your life is similar to my cousin's. Her husband is in a highly stressful job as well and doesn't even come home on some days. Her kid is in 2nd grade. Some relative asked her you have so much free time. Why dont u go to work. She replied who said i have free time. I dont even have enough time to do the household chores. Im sure that lady will never raise that question again. Be like her. Be firm. Also, i know so many women in my relatives circle who are in the US and not working. Some of them quit their jobs even before the marriage itself.
    I understand in the US, being a housewife is difficult. Its much easier here in India. But you are well off and your salary or the lack of it is not going to make a huge difference.
    Talk to someone who is close to u about ur issues.
    Listening to people is sometimes better than reading replies online.
     
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  9. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    About ten or more years ago, one of my neighbors was an Indian woman who did some substitute teaching and otherwise was a devoted mom/wife. Fresh food, all festivals elaborately celebrated, kids in activities, the works.

    Kids grew a bit older, she took up a 9-3 job in a preschool, still the fresh food etc. They were well-settled financially but husband got bitten by the entrepreneur bug. Started telling her to get a job that provided medical insurance and a small but steady income so he could quit his job and try something of his own. Kept harping on how women with less experience than her landed city/govt jobs or school district jobs. Was sad to see him publicly comment on her inability to get that kind of job. She was not cut out for doing some QA or other software training and getting a job.

    When one spouse in a stably running household wants a change, it is up to that spouse to work harder for that. Anika, in your case, you want your husband to support your desire/need to work. Are you willing to support him? Can you take up the responsibility for consistently earning 25-30% of your family's cost of living, year after year? Will you spend 1-3 years slogging to get a degree like an Associate's Degree in HR and find a proper job? Most likely not. No time for weekday morning gym, no cooking three times, no long India trips, family's standard of living takes a dip as husband takes a more flexible job. Are you OK with these compromises? No.
     
  10. SunPa

    SunPa Platinum IL'ite

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    @anika987 , Aiyyo penne!
    You are financially well off with one income, you love being a homemaker, you make a big difference in the life of your family by cooking fresh healthy meals and taking care of everyone's needs, even pampering them and you take care of yourself , your husband wants you to stay at home.
    If despite all this, a part of you wants to work desperately , then work out the possibilities. Do not expect support from him when he in the first place doesnt support the idea. If in the middle of work day you call him up and ask him to step in , he most likely wont. Be prepared for such events.

    If what outsiders say is the reason for wanting to work, here's a Aesop's fable for you , make what you will of it.( I couldnt find the indian version I read in Twinkle, that was even better)

    A man was walking with his son and his donkey in his village. He passed an old man who sniggered that they were so foolish to be walking when they had a donkey who could easily carry them.

    Hearing this, the man climbed on top of the donkey. They had gone just a little distance ahead when a bunch of women looked at him in contempt and commented that he was very selfish to be making his young son walk in the sun while he enjoyed a ride on the donkey. The man immediately got down and put his son on the donkey.

    Some time later, he came across a group of men. They pointedly commented that the boy was so lazy to be going on the donkey while his poor father walked.

    The boy got down. Now, both of them decided to go on the donkey. As they passed some people, they overheard them feeling bad about the poor beast of burden who was clearly overloaded. Alarmed, both of them got down. The man and the boy now decided to carry the donkey. So, awkwardly and painfully they trudged the donkey along on their shoulders ...
     
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