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I Am Hurt

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by SGBV, Jan 20, 2020.

  1. sarvantaryamini

    sarvantaryamini Gold IL'ite

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    Does your husband know that you are short of money to meet the new expenses? I think you will sail though this as well SGBV. Don't worry, when one door closes, another will open, please keep calm and think how you can tackle this issue. Try talking to your husband and tell him that you cannot cover the expenses and hence you are talking to contractor to cut down. If it's not possible, then leave it. Just stay strong. Don't take it to your head.
     
  2. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    @sunshine1970
    Thanks a lot for sharing your perspective here. I totally understand this, and agree!
    I need support from people who have actually gone through what I am going through now.
     
  3. shama146

    shama146 Gold IL'ite

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    So many problems in married life. At times I wonder why the hell marriage is so important in our culture.
     
    KashmirFlower and Sunshine04 like this.
  4. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    This is a thought provoking question. Why marriage is so important? Leave alone our culture...
    I personally think marriage is important, no matter how hard it the journey is.

    The problem I described above is the package that I am blessed with.
    A husband, who is nice in every way, yet lacks responsibility completely.
    On the other hand, I have my own weaknesses. I am definitely not a saint. But I am a lot more responsible person.
    I think we are a great combo. Though we have complete different personalities, we still complement each other a lot.
    That's why I believe we are meant to be together in life.

    Though I know my H has got a lot to change, I don't think there is much I could do to bring any changes in him.
    Most of his weakness are from his birth, with his genes, and they are influenced by the way how he was raised.
    Unless he sees the need to change, I don't think we could do anything about them.
    But on the other hand, it is a choice whether to cry about what is lacking him or to cherish about what he has.
    He has a lot of great qualities, and if I consider him as a whole minus his irresponsibility, he would be the bestest Husband ever.

    This is where, I had some self introspection.
    My H won't really force me to mend my ways according to what he wants. Just that he suggests, pester things in a way that you can't say NO.
    But it is my weakness, that I keep saying YES to those things that I should have said NO, knowing they were not in line with what I/we want.
    Learning to say NO, without any guilt is an art that I am yet to learn.
    Specially saying NO to my H is not easy for me.

    Last week, with all the negativeness in heart, I finally said NO - perhaps, after a long time for his irresponsible involvements in construction matters. It was not just a plain NO, but a strict NO where he is expected to maintain his line according to what we have already planned.
    He has been pretty much there during the planning, we discussed in and out of every possible things together, and finally I have arranged finances for the implementation. Now, I understood that, saying NO to his irresponsible involvement during middle of each project (whatever it may be) is not wrong, rather it is the right decision to save our money, our sanity, and our marriage in a long run.
    He will slowly understand that a NO means NO, and he should behave when it comes to respecting mutual agreements in anything.

    He may regret now, jump on his emotion like a teen for a while, but he will come around.

    In fact he has come around this time too. Its been exactly a week since we had that argument.
    I didn't give up this time, though I was damn hurt and disappointed for what he thought about me.
    I couldn't communicate my hurt with anyone fearing their judgement either against me or my H (depending on who they are). Keeping mum and keeping all the hurt inside made be explode with emotions.

    Indusladies helped a lot as always, as I could vent here, and get some clarity about this matter.
    Posters like @sunshine1970 opened my eyes, and made me think out of the box.

    Throughout this week, I kept firm on what I did, and never showed an iota of sympathy or weakness for his whining. In fact, he stopped whining the next day knowing how firm I am with my decision this time. I gave him the right & meaningful explanation for why I couldn't give in this time.
    Not sure whether he agreed with that or not. But he agreed to go by what we have decided already.
    He didn't interfere or influence the contractor individually, but kept his comments only with me & we both communicated with the contractor together when we got the time over the weekend.
    This way, the project is moving smoothly for the first time since it has been started.
    We have back to our normalcy, and started living happily as ever!

    I will keep my foot down, and stay firm.
     
  5. Raffaello

    Raffaello Silver IL'ite

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    Hard truth, Nobody can change anybody its a simple rule we all fail to understand. As you said above, only if he desires to change at some point he will turn around. No amount of speech or gyan can change someone. Now you have realised what saying a No is all about, a small change which you too and is showing a difference in yoir life.
    Similarly a day will come when your better half will understand what he was lacking and what your strength was all along, which brought your family to this very spot..
     
    lavani and Angela123 like this.

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