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I Am Not Able To Forget My Exhusband

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by Happygirl6, Oct 27, 2019.

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  1. Happygirl6

    Happygirl6 Bronze IL'ite

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    I was divorced five years back and my marriage ended within few months of time. I still remember him every day and I couldnt come out of his thoughts. he didnt agree to be with me even after trying very hard and I was divorced in US without my full consent.My divorce was the worst thing happened to me and he didnt even communicate to me nor saw my face after he left home. I tried going to his office, friends home and everything in a foreign land but couldnt even find his address or talk to him. He hates me completely and one day i even tried meeting him at his office but after seeing me in the parking lot he ran jumping into his vehicle quickly. I tried running after his car but even after that he didnt stop the car. We use to have only simple fights and he took a decision to leave me at an early months of marriage and left by ghosting me in a foreign land.From the time i was divorced i developed anger on him as he left me for simple reasons and didnt even give me another chance.

    5 years later i am with a job, living an independent life. I developed a hatred on him after he abandoned me and didnt think of him much. Whenever I remembered him i use to get angry that he left me for no reason. One year back i accidently came across the chat conversations which we had before marriage and started liking him again. I think of him daily and tried calling him to talk to him but he didnt respond. I know i sound like a fool but i am not sure why am i not getting over him from the past one year. My love for him was so deep that i took leave for one week and went to his place just to see him at a distance. I know he wont talk to me but i just wanted to see him from a distance. I wore a hijab and waited for him over one week. Unfortunately he moved from that place and i couldnt see him even though i waited outside his house and office for that one week. I am unable to move on in life nor liking any other guy.

    Now, he is married to another girl and i couldnt even see their photo online. I cried a lot after seeing the photo. It was so bad that i came out of office and took emergency leave and cried the whole day.He has moved on very long back. I stalked his wifes photos on internet and cry seeing her that she is in place of mine. Now i am very much single in life and not interested in dating or marrying anyone. I still imagine my life with him and the good times we had. I dont know if i can love any other guy in my life again. How can i forget him ? How can i move on with my life ? Why am i wasting my life over a guy who dont even like me?
     
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  2. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    Guilt Feeling And Negative Thoughts

    Just had to check since this whole ‘stalking’ for one week, taking leave, covering up n standing outside the house n office was starting to sound a bit troll-ish.

    Its too much. If it was a guy stalking a girl like this, maybe there will be a restraining order filed against that guy. Be thankful that you didn’t see him or worse, he spotting you. Because he could file a case against you. Then what will happen to your life after that.

    Going through your old post, he was unhappy even the day he married you n has ill treated you through out. Which only shows he was forced. N as a result it ended badly.

    The thought of, He has clearly moved on n started a new life ? How’s he able to be happy with another woman n not you ?

    Is this your loneliness or insecurities talking that he was able to move on but you are still alone ?
    Maybe you wouldn’t have thought about him if at all you were able to find a partner for yourself.

    Now, what are you trying to get out of being obsessed about him?
    Think about the horrible times you went through with him from the wedding day to divorce n even after.
    Why can’t you spend this time n effort to find a new partner who actually would want you or even treat you as an equal human being ?

    This has to stop, stalking online or otherwise. Delete all the emails n trails n have a clean slate. Start over mentally.
    Write down the pros n cons of your stalking n it will make sense to you.
    Write down what you really want to do in life, maybe another partner, property, anything, n also the steps to reach it n go for it.

    He has divorced n moved on, but you are not able to let go of the abusive marriage you had n stalled your life. The choice is yours, you have one life.
     
    Last edited: Oct 27, 2019
    Happygirl6, BhumiBabe, Mistt and 5 others like this.
  3. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    It is tough.It is not easy.

    What you seek is closure.

    it’s okay to feel the pain.However..it has been five years.I think it’s time to move on to a better place for your inner peace.

    Yes..what happened was unfair but there are two ways to deal..

    1) feel the pain but strive to be better
    2) feel the pain and do nothing

    Try a new hobby,be with your loved ones,give yourself a makeover..

    Try to be open to a new relationship whenever it comes..The new one might make you feel like the old one was a
    Waste of time.

    you are making your ex a hero!
    He is not!
    Focus on his negatives and list your positives...

    Just keep swimming...just keep swimming...

    there will come a time when you can flaunt your new relationship in front of your ex and he might seethe in envy and that will be your closure!!
     
    Happygirl6 and Sunshine04 like this.
  4. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    Oh... my!
    Isn't a closure to OP's difficult life, a more peaceful life where she or her new spouse (or significant other) do not have to put on a display to prove something to someone else who is totally unconnected to her happiness ?

    OP needs counseling help to let go of her past, and move on.
     
  5. sv8

    sv8 New IL'ite

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    Men: Feel bad for few days on initial Divorce days later they forget forever.
    Women: Feel good for intial days but later after years they keep remembering those old days and start internal fight.

    1) Forget is out of reach, keep occupy yourself so much that thoughts shouldnt come.

    Before any solutution is posted, why did you divorced of what reason if you are free to share then people can be more open to the solutions.
     
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  6. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    Your post here says you were divorced 5 yrs ago . While a post in June says you were divorced six months ago. I am confused .
     
  7. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 IL Hall of Fame

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    Op I hope you are aware how stalking in social media works?
    When you stalk some person, that person gets a friend request suggestion on their wall. (this is how facebook and instagram works). The more you stalk the more your name pops on their wall asking "add as a friend ".
    You may cover a hijab and watch him from a distance but social media will catch you red handed .
    Yes after going through your old post I remembered the abuse you had gone through. Seems like you have forgotten the abuse and running behind his car.
    No don't!
    Go back to the thread and re read the suggestions.. It'll be helpful.
     
    Last edited: Oct 27, 2019
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  8. EightKittens

    EightKittens Silver IL'ite

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    Is it possible for you to see a therapist? If you had broken a leg you'd have gone to a doctor to get the proper treatment without a second thought. Divorce is a major and traumatic life event, and there's no shame in seeking the help of a trained and qualified professional to address emotional problems stemming from it so that you can find a way to move past it.
     
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  9. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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    OP,

    Like other suggested, this comes under serious stalking and it is not good for you. Now your ex is married and has moved away, and he has clearly shown not interested in getting back together with you, instead of being sad and build up anger about it, i too suggest you to move on. So please

    1. Delete all the chat and photos.
    2. Get rid/donate everything reminds of him. Expensive things - sell them and buy something new.
    3. Give yourself some wallowing time - cry if needed, see a therapist, talk to a friend just for venting. But remember this is the process of getting rid of him from your life for good.
    3. Get out there and have a social life that doesn't involve common friends with ex.
    4. Take up a challenge or adventure (sort of a hobby that you might like) that needs a lot of physical/mental effort or some type of skill which will distract you from this social media free time. Some examples: Hiking, rock climbing, sewing, aerial silk exercise, rowing club (if you have one near by), specialty cooking etc. May be you will meet new people and make new friends!

    Look at the big picture, and do you want to see yourself pining over a person who left you? These moments lost are not going to comeback. You loved him, but he si not in your life anymore or vice versa, so it is time to give yourself a better life. Get yourself back together and move on. Not easy, but stalking ex and crying over his life is not going to help you in anyway.
     
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  10. madras2018

    madras2018 Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear OP - you have received a number of replies and a lot of them focus on your actions rather than the cause of your actions. If everything you have written here is indeed true, then in my opinion the root cause of your pain and inability to forget and move on is that he ghosted you. You didn't get closure. Sure you got the divorce decree - but maybe you never got the final face-to-face word from him that it's over. Ghosting is the most cruel way to end a relationship - especially a marriage. Many people, not just you, who have been ghosted while being in a long term relationship struggle for weeks, months and years (depending on how long the relationship was) because the human mind has not received answers. It keeps circling the same situation over and over again but fruitlessly. However people whose partners break up with them either over phone or text or in person - but basically clearly communicate in words that they are breaking up with them, deal with the breakup better over time. They come to accept after initial periods of grief.

    It's no wonder that you are seeking him online and in the real world to get the closure your mind needs. It's an addiction almost. The ghosted ends up obsessively stalking, repeatedly wanted to approach the ghoster for answers. But it never gets anywhere. Most times ghosters are men - but not that women have not ghosted. But largely common in men because men generally absolutely HATE having breakup conversations and the tears and the drama that ensue. Also men with poor relationship skills tend to behave like this. You say that your marital issues were not that serious to begin with and yet your ex divorced you. This is another sign that he lacked essential relationship, communication and conflict management skills needed for a relationship. But just saying that men will be men is a poor excuse. Infact if you ask any decent, mature man over age 25, they will all say that a man who exits by ghosting is a spineless coward.

    Ask yourself, now that you know the kind of cruelty he is capable of, would you marry him again ? would you advise any woman to marry a man who has demonstrated such cruelty ?

    So now we know why you feel this lost what can you do about it ? Do anything you need to do make this breakup as real as possible. Frame your divorce decree and keep it by your bedside and see it everyday. See the photo of ex and his new wife to remind you that it's over. Delete and burn all memories, texts, emails and photos of your life with him. including gifting away your wedding sarees or ripping them apart if you need to. Basically - do whatever is necessary to make it super clear to you that YOU are breaking up with the break-up. Yes, you are breaking up with him and his stupid break up.

    Stop talking about this issue or taking his name anywhere. YOU ghost HIM completely. Get a new haircut, hit the gym and start moving on with a fresh start mentally. Hope it helps.
     
    Last edited: Oct 31, 2019
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