Cannot Digest Dh Attitude Towards Sil

@Sweetygals , You can not force anyone to show care for you, it should come naturally.
Accept it that he is not going to care for you like he does for his sister.You cannot control that.Stop being emotionally dependant on him.You take care of yourself, make yourself and your kids your priority.

You have many problems here he is not financially transparent to you so making you financially insecure
and you have to work yourself for that but expects you to fulfil traditional roles like cooking while he is not fulfilling his role.

Firstly stop being controlled by him regarding your communication with his mother and sister. He cannot expect you to talk what he wants. Stop this behaviour right now clearly state him you will talk only what you want and how much you want, he cannot control that.If they say you are not mingling into his family, accept it,you are married to him not to his family,you will only do what is reasonable for you .When he fought with you for your reply while 8 months pregnant you should have clearly said this at that time only.Cut off extensive contact with your in-laws only maintain formal relationship based on how they treat you. Do not bend backwards to please him in this matter.
Now on wards do not maintain any communication channels with them except talking in phone in front of husband formally.If he asks anything like why you are distancing them first ask him to treat you like his wife and share financial details till then don't expect anything from you,use this as your defence as he is anyways not sharing details.

your sil although divorced ,has father for her son somewhere,so its his responsibility to be father not your husbands.I know a family where siblings sponged on one brothers earnings and later that brother's kids were poorer and struggling while the rest of the kin had luxurious life having money,property earned by that brother but his own children were left with nothing. So don't make that mistake in future your kids will suffer while sil son will have free money from everywhere. Control your finances as well.

And also since you know he is passing time by fighting for that function, call his bluff communicate him clearly that you are not slaving for that function,be bold,just attend like guest,for now tell him you won't even attend.
Stop your services to them,your husband is already doing more than enough,you channelise all your energy on your well being and your kids.

 

Ask your parents to call and speak to your in laws.
Dont know the reason for her divorce and i dont want to judge.. but thats not ur fault here...
You are not responsible for anything..

Go to friends place and stay for one or two days without ur husband. dont inform him../ feel fresh
dont worry abt anything.;.

i really got irriated that ur SIL complaint abt ur voice mail reply and ur husband blast for that..
You better blast your SIL .. some people need pinch not love..

 

You don’t have to call your sil/mil. Take sometime and calm down. When your husband speaks, don’t react. Ask him few questions politely. Tell him how can you call if they all keep on complaining to him. Tell him only if he stops sharing their complaints about you or stand up for you, you will call them. Don’t fight. Don’t keep mum when he speaks. Just talk and then calm down.
I would suggest you to not react because your husband is immature. At least one person should take high roads.

 

Either you adjust to their tunes or Find a Balance.

These statements are connected.
If he doesn’t care about ‘you’ because he feels you don’t care about ‘him’
then why should you care about ‘them’ when ‘they’ don’t care about you.
If this is the case then you are doing exactly what he’s doing. Then if you are wrong, he is wrong too. Tell him to let them start caring about you, then you will too.

Explain to him that it’s not about ‘money’ or you earning but him showing love n care to you. N that you hate the partiality.

I guess by this time you may have told your dh that him showing lesser care bothers you more than anything but he hasn’t done anything about it.

Few points to remind him..
- caring for his sis n kid doesn’t mean he stops caring for you n your kids
- His sis doesn’t have a hubby n he supports her but he is your hubby n doesn’t support you.
- add whatever is bothering you here

You can probably make a deal,
that you won’t stop (or bother) him from pampering her
n helping her financially n otherwise
n that you would be nice to them
n help with the sis kid n his future

But he should do the following..
- Pampers you too
- worries about your safety too
- gold bangle or plastic bangle, he showers you with gifts too
- Cares the same way about you n d kids
- he stops treating you like you are secondary
- make him invest something on your kids (n maybe also his sis kid)
- you add whatever you want here according to your problems

Tell him that he has to put you on the equal level from the secondary place that he’s kept you now as no one wife or husband likes being secondary. Or say as time goes by, he’s going to become secondary too.

Nothing is going to change overnight. You have to keep trying n find a balance that works mid way n not hurt both of you.
If this is an arranged marriage, parents can get involved if you can’t control it. Or you talk to his sis. I am not aware of your family dynamics. But Find a way to get things communicated the right things to the right people either by yourself or your trusted circle. At the end of the day, Your kids deserve a happy family around them. Not unhappy or bitter parents / family.

 

Ahh..sorry I was not aware of these things....
You don't have to call them and do not lose your self respect....If he wants to use you only for getting his things getting done then that's not at all good...
Take care of your self and your kids...
Don't expect him to pamper you..
Pamper yourself...Stay positive..don't lose your mental peace.

 

devil is in details. i might have missed in your original post.

fighting back will not help you anymore. but that does not mean, you have to be a door mat. your h is acting like a mamma boy and abusing you a little. he needs to understand that respect goes both ways.

i would suggest you to move away from an arguement to a different room and lock and stay away till he understands that he needs to respect your opinion.

silent treatment and expecting favors cannot work . if he does that, you have to stop pampering him too.

at the same time you have to communicate him in text or talk that he needs to understand that you and your child are his family first and if he fights for every silly wish for his parents and sil , it is only going to ruin everyone life.

you know your life better.

i apolojize initially for my comment, your situation is not good. i misunderstood

 

It sounds like you are feeling insecure and possessive about your husband. You want your husband to put you in the highest piedestal. Nothing wrong with that but showing concern for his sister doesn't mean he doesn't do that. Did he behave the same way with his sister prior to her divorce? Divorcees are considered a fair game and easy prey by some Indian men and your husband's concern for his sister's safety and well-being seems quite justified. She is going through a rough phase and he is trying his best to cheer her up. It does not mean you mean less to him.

Don't take your anger out on your sister-in-law's child by not wishing him, not buying him gifts etc. Try to see things from the other end, the day you do this, things will be much easier for you. Pay less attention to what he says to his family, when he calls them etc. because you are clearly losing your mind over this. Focus your energy on yourself, your children, career and building a good marriage or something else productive. Count your blessings, you have a good-natured husband, great career, blessed with children, maids to help you and a life away from in-laws. With all this you can create a peaceful life for yourself!