Living With Husband As Single....need Advice Please

Hi Anusri,

I read your post and wanted to say a few things-
1) your husband has shown you what kind of a person he is in 12 years. He will not change. So I think your choosing to divorce him is a good idea.
2) absolutely do not go telling your husband that you want a divorce.
3) google for a good divorce lawyer in your city and meet a few of them.
4) get your passport (preferably your kids too), documents together in one place in your safe keeping.
5) most important thing- try and record your husband when he is telling your daughter bad things about you or when he is talking badly to you. I cannot underline this enough.
6) US courts look at parental alienation as a very serious thing and what he is doing now will land him in big trouble custody wise.
7) start saving some money.
8) get copies of last 3 yrs tax returns. Also of bank statements if you can. This is important because chances are your husband might hide some money when he finds out that as per law you are entitled to half of everything he has earned during marriage.
9) you will be entitled to alimony and child support.
10) don’t be scared about leaving a horrible marriage. Don’t listen to people who tell you to keep adjusting and compromising with nothing in return. They are not living your life and have no idea of the impact it has on your psyche to suffer emotional and verbal abuse on a daily basis. Choosing to walk away from a highly toxic dysfunctional marriage is absolutely the right decision to take.

Message me if you need more advice but please get away from this abusive man at the earliest.

Take care and all the best.❤️

 

Hi,
I also went through your post and all the suggestions, they are great and very practical, biggest of everything is you have to think a long term with patient and calm mind set such as ability to handle it emotionally, financially etc.

I want to put light on some of the things that you have mentioned:
I have 2 year old and my husband is not talking to me since then. We talked in between only very few times. Things became really bad when my daughter's 1st bday came and i had big plans and he shut everything down by accusing me that his parents are not coming because of me (i did more than a dil should do for his parents but his mom has done lot of damage to our relationship by smartly manipulating things, she tries to be nice infront of him but want me to be killed behind). Anyways so i start looking for different apt etc. and then in some time i figured out it would be hard to live without him emotionally. (I have a job and also manage to keep my paychecks in separate account. )
Last year i again got a chance when his parents were here for 2 months, we started talking and i did more than i should do for his parents but as soon as his parents left , the SILENT TREATMENT started again. Plus he does 0 for our daighter. He doesnt know where is her daycare.
I have told him few times that i am going to leave but he has taken it too lightly.
I feel hurt , used and cheated and i know that nothing is going to change. So getting strength emotionally is biggest thing.

So trying to say that talking to your mil may be something you may want to do but that doesnt change men. If they have no feelings towards their wife he would purposefully come to you listen to you instead of abandoning you.

Please think with peace of mind, and take some counseling if needed. You need to be very strong to take the steps instead of doing soemthing in anger.
All the best! May God give you lot of strength and peace while dealing with this mess.

 

I really liked your suggestions. Lets see the case in a different way .
A) OP had fought with his parents and husband got irked by the parents complaint about wife and her parents.. He got angry and may be expecting Sorry or more than that. The situation is not clear, who started the fight or how it leaded? . The silent treatment is better than abusing each and every action. Some where and some one will understand and be together. With limited knowledge about the situation, who are we to give suggestion of getting divorce with little 2 cute princess.

B) OP never said about divorcing her husband. We are all here to raise the voice and giving tips to go for divorce and save her financial help. The trauma she will go through 2-3 yrs after divroce, no one can imagine.

Advice should be positive to make turn her life fruitful . The laws, regulations & alimony is not sufficient to live peacefully.

If she asked , how to take divorce and etc, your points are 100000% valid . dont conclude and give suggestions how to secure to get divorce advices.

I am signing off this thread even though you agree or disagree.

 

Please read her reply #32 in this thread about her decision on divorce and request for more information. Also read replies given here by Iites before and after that post. OP only knows her situation better and what is best for her, others also suggested not take any emotional decision. It should be the last option. The suggestions here are based on her own replies and request for feedback.

I like to know male perspective. What a woman should do if stuck in an unhappy and emotionally abusive marriage. What if she tried her best and still its not working

 

I think , inputs from OP will be more useful to proceed any further.

 

Hi Hino,

The OP had very clearly asked for advice on how to go about getting a divorce in an earlier post-

Let me add something here - from the info given by OP herself, she is going through enough trauma right now. She has tried to adjust and get along for 12 yrs. She is deeply unhappy. Her husband has been emotionally abusive and trying to alienate her kids from her by bad mouthing her to the kids.

Not talking for a couple of days to process something is one thing but this is something else. I understand how deep rooted this phobia against divorce is in our culture and where you are coming from. I have been there and experienced it myself. First of all, I do not think the OP is talking about it lightly. It takes a lot for an Indian women to even think and then consider divorce. It is not an easy decision. Instead of trying to shut OP down by - she should at least know her options. She is an adult and can assess what meets her needs and what does not. To not give her any info is I think extremely cruel and siding by her abuser. What does it say about us - "yes, we will listen to your pain and be here for listening, but if you want to take any concrete action and walk away from the abuse, that makes us very uncomfortable and we cannot help you then. We would prefer you rather stayed in a miserable marriage because that way at least you and I are both in our comfort zones."

About the kids - they absorb the environment around us. You think they are not noticing the tension and toxicity in the family and getting affected by it? They are learning the same dynamics that they are experiencing and watching their parents do. Where do you think these behavioral patterns in Indian marriages are coming from even in 2019? The abuser or controlling person has watched it happen in his/her own family and is unconsciously repeating it. An unhealthy, toxic family environment is not what a child needs or wants. Sometimes its ok to stay separately and the kids see that both the parents are happy by themselves.

Here is some relevant information from a non profit for domestic violence-

"Am I Being Abused? (A Checklist)

Provided by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence

Look over the following questions. Think about how you are being treated and how you treat your partner. Remember, when one person scares, hurts or continually puts down the other person, it’s abuse.

Does your partner…

____ Embarrass or make fun of you in front of your friends or family?

____ Put down your accomplishments or goals?

____ Make you feel like you are unable to make decisions?

____ Use intimidation or threats to gain compliance?

____ Tell you that you are nothing without them?

____ Treat you roughly – grab, push, pinch, shove or hit you?

____ Call you several times a night or show up to make sure you are where you said you would be?

____ Use drugs or alcohol as an excuse for saying hurtful things or abusing you?

____ Blame you for how they feel or act?

____ Pressure you sexually for things you aren’t ready for?

____ Make you feel like there “is no way out” of the relationship?

____ Prevent you from doing things you want—like spending time with your friends or family?

____Try to keep you from leaving after a fight or leave you somewhere after a fight to “teach you a lesson”?

Do you…

____ Sometimes feel scared of how your partner will act?

____ Constantly make excuses to other people for your partner’s behavior?

____ Believe that you can help your partner change if only you changed something about yourself?

____ Try not to do anything that would cause conflict or make your partner angry?

____ Always do what your partner wants you to do instead of what you want?

____Stay with your partner because you are afraid of what your partner would do if you broke-up?

If any of these are happening in your relationship on a consistent basis, talk to someone. Without some help, the abuse will continue."

Abuse is not only when someone gets drunk and hits you. It can have varying layers and forms.

Yes, one should work on relationships and try to nurture them and grow them. But one should also know when it is ok to walk away.

 

When we buy an expensive item like car, house, etc...if it's not working properly, we don't throw it immediately. We first try our best to fix, repair it. If not, we dispose it at our last resort. Husband and wife are expensive materials to dispose off immediately.
Good luck!!!

 

Glad you took the first step and ironed out the issue with your MIL.

Hope one day your DH will iron out the issues with your parents and be nice to you.

But one thing - You are faking out a life in front of your daughter and leading a diff life in real, I feel by protecting your daughter you are sabotaging yourself. I was doing the same thing and went into depression.

When my son was 12, i told him I am divorcing his dad, he cried and was moody for 1 week. I explained how unhappy I am, how I am leading 2 lives, how its all for him and how I am craving for a peaceful life. He thought about it for 1 week and clearly told me " Amma, Pls dont live with Appa for my sake, I am ok to have both of you in 2 different houses. I want you to be happy, you love me so much and I cant make you suffer more". Today me and my ex spend quality time with our son, both of us pour all our love and 3 three of us are happy and peaceful in our own lives. If I had lived with my ex, I would have lived a terrible life and he also would be in anxiety/fear as to what drama I am going to do each day.

Just telling that divorce is not a the end of a child's life or their mental capacity. Kids bounce back from worser events.

Dont let your husband treat you like this, give an ultimatum and get yourself prepped for positive or negative