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Back To Zero..please Help

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Prabh, Mar 20, 2019.

  1. Prabh

    Prabh New IL'ite

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    Hi
    In short about me before I post the original problem.
    In my family we are three me,my husband and my 2 year old kid. We have been married for 7 years now and like marriage we have ups and down and we are livinh in abroad now.
    My husband is short tempered and egoistic and stubborn this I know very well and on other side I am short tempered but I cool down very soon.
    After lots of fights discussions he always told me to give space to him when he is angry and I learnt slowly and slowly and now I am giving him space not going behind him to talk after a sorry and be normal(earlier I used to do this and he told me after lots of fight how to handle him)

    Now the problem is I am handling him acc to his way 90% and I am avoiding mostly all the conflict and making minor and some major adjustments daily to keep everything going well at home so we don't fight or I will say he doesn't gets upset as he gets very easily but still he cant recognize the change in me.
    Yesterday we had a huge drama fight and after around 3 months I was angry and he cant take that I was done with his tantrum when dealing with kid u have to be patient and cant show your anger to kid but it feels like I am raising 2 kids.

    I am constantly worried about my husband shd not be upset not be angry etc etc as he goes into shell and starts with silent treatment and I cant take that earlier and now from last some arguments I have taken a step back and moved aside and talked with him normally which sometimes worked. And he was back to normal but if in fight I am talking to him again and again I am saying sorry or anything that makes him think I am mad and I need psychological treatment.

    Till now I was ok with this but after yesterday fight he involved my parents as well that they knew I am mad and still got him married to me. They dint treated me for my psycho problem which I dont yhink I have.

    In yesterday fight after ugly and harsh comments and everything he is not taking and blocking me from wats app and everything as he always do and I ask him sorry or behave normal and after 3 or 4 days after saying politely he will talk to me.

    But this time he left my family group of my parents and my siblings as well and blocked me as well this is the first time he did so and first time he blamed my parents in a fight that they are responsible for my behavior.

    I am mad at him but don't want to show. He is good with my all family members talk with them nicely so this group leaving is sudden shock to me
    I don't want him to add him and than he leave again and don't wanna create scene there in gp

    Otherwise he is a good husband takes care of me my child helps me in all things
    But only issue is his ego his short temperament... he becomes normal if I dont follow him more than once but sometimes it's very difficult for me to handle him every day for everything I need to be cautious so yesterday I also had a blast of emotions and it turns into the same fight of abusiveness and full of hate again

    I am back to square 1 now please help me divorce is not an option as I dont want to leave him and he says sometime in anger but we never discuss of separation when we are happy...
    He is super angry on me now...
    How to handle this and this is shocking and saddening he is not there in my family gp now ... I am Loosing my strength.
     
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  2. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    Which abroad-country are you in ?
    Divorce is easier in some than in others. If your angry husband is talking to someone (friend, colleague, etc..) else, the discussion about divorce would have cropped up, just like it did in your post on this forum. Be aware. He may not need your help to walk away.

    Your case is a typical one for couples-therapy. If you are in the gulf countries, there aren't that many outlets for this service. However, in the west, where divorces are not too difficult, there are plenty of such services.
     
  3. Jamelia02

    Jamelia02 Silver IL'ite

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    Dear op, I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. Firstly, relax and calm yourselves. Fights are quite common in every household but to have to pulled in your parents into the picture and leaving the family group/blocking you isn't a common one. Does he block you every time you guys fight? Is that the usual one? If so, when for the first time he blocked you and after reunion how did you react about it to him? Did you ask him to put an end card to such things whenever fights arise or in anger did you also happen to block him? Sometimes in the initial phase itself we will have to sternly let them know and request them to stop certain extreme behaviors else that will start taking different variations later. Anyways, reading at your post i think he was really mad at you to do such insane things. Was this an usual fight ?
    Men usually doesn't have tendency to note the changes or sacrifices we make. We have to literally keep reminding them of the sacrifices we make and most men thinks that its our duty to sacrifice although i'm totally against such thoughts. Sometimes suppressing your thoughts and anger also can make you have an outburst which will only trigger things up. For peaceful life, we have to make scarifies or change us here and there but changing 90% would be a lot more stress on you. I would suggest you to sit and talk to him politely and find a mid point. Even after your fights are done, pls do not add him to your family group, that can save you some respect going forward.
    He seems immature through his act. Throw some sense into him as how he spoiled his own image unnecessarily. Try to handle it wisely.
     
  4. Prabh

    Prabh New IL'ite

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    Hi Dear
    Thanks so much for detailed reply.

    Ya I truly see that it's my mistake I dint reacted in first time he blocked me and I just carried it away like it's ok but now its becoming his habit.
    This time I can take everything but i am not able to digest him leaving the family group.

    I am standing on a mid way where I have two options
    One is as am doing right now that I am not talking to him and not saying him anything regarding fight or his behavior.
    But I become restless sometimes and wanna tell him that he is so immature and it's not working what he is doing but I stop myself

    Second is I am thinking to just say sorry to him and move on no explanation or anything as he never likes that and after saying sorry to him leaving ball in his court that let me know when ready to talk.
    If this was the fight like old one and if it's related to me and my blocking I could have done this but this time he has taken a step for my family also by exiting the group so I am bit reluctant to talk to him and on other hand I am thinking to sort out issues soon and than tell him that this was an immature thing he did and than talk ab that calmly
    Please guide what to do
    Should I wait or start talking
    I dont want this silent treatment to increase but I dont also want he shd be still angry over me

    Cant say a single guilt or anything on his face. He is talking to our kid normally but not at all to me and I am also not talking.

    PS - its killing deep inside me that we are not taking and he is really a good father and husband but my reactions and his short tenderness is spoiling everything and I am not able to talk to my parents also as I dont want to cry over the phone sitting so far away from them.
    Thanks


     
  5. Prabh

    Prabh New IL'ite

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    Hi
    Thanks for reply but I am not looking for the option of divorce. May be my post interpreted wrong.

    Thanks again

     
  6. Aarushi

    Aarushi Platinum IL'ite

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    So if I understand correctly, you are upset with him not so much because you had a fight but because he left your family WhatsApp group?! My apologies but I honestly don’t see anything wrong with him doing it. There have been a few times I’ve fallen off the social media grid too. It has nothing to do with anyone else. Just me in my moment and my need to be alone for some time to process stuff in my head.

    We didn’t even have WhatsApp technology till a few years back! Let the man be. Stop hovering over him. Don’t keep apologizing specially when you’ve not done anything wrong. Let him process his anger his way. A lot of people want space or quiet when they are annoyed. Some people may bark and some people go in a shell. It is absolutely fine. It has NOTHING to do with you. It does NOT mean he doesn’t love you or doesn’t want to be with you any more. It seems to be a temporary way for him to distress- even going off social media. I would not take it personally.

    Both of you are unique individuals and you might have different ways of expressing love or anger. It does not make anyone right or wrong.

    Go for some invidual therapy to understand how you can improve your communication with him. Also work on your self esteem issues (sorry but I just getting a sense of it. Might be wrong). Bottling up resentment is also not good. Nor is walking on egg shells around him. You both need to focus on improving your communication- how to express your disagreement in a respectful way. Anger is just like any other human emotion. Everyone feels it. But the important thing is how are you expressing or chanelizing that anger. That is the key. You can be angry but let it not evolve into calling names or worse. Don’t bring up past hurts and issues.
     
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  7. Jamelia02

    Jamelia02 Silver IL'ite

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    There is no one good solution. It is all based on you and the situation. But just to break the silence at home, you don't have to be the one who has to apologize every single time which will make him think that you accepted that you are wrong helping him give an upper hand and never make him realize his mistake. Is that what you want? I know some men doesn't just want to talk about the problem as they think there is no solution or no use of it. But for certain arguments we will have to sit ans talk and arrive at a mid point. Well, in your case I would suggest you to may be write an email to him as to how you have been hurt on the whole. Pour him your feelings but not in apologetic way and not accusing him. Just your feelings about how painful it has been in trying to compromise every single time has been a stressful act for you. Remember anything you put on a paper is a record. Make sure that he doesn't use the email to hurt you next time. May be even better just draft your email and proof read it and send it only when you feel like. Since he doesn't like to talk about the fights and come to a solution, putting it an email can help him realize that you have been going through.
     
  8. senorita2019

    senorita2019 Gold IL'ite

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    Sorry you are stressed out. But you have to give him space. Did you analyze why you are not giving him space. Cant you be without talking to him for couple of days till he cools downs. Why are you getting so riled up ? He is not going to leave you and go. Why cant you just do your normal chores, watch tv and stuff till he calms down and talks to you after his cooling period.

    I am like your DH, when I am angry I dont want to say mean things which I will regret for the rest of my life so I will shut down completely till i process my anger and find a way to let off the steam and be normal. If someone is chasing and hovering me during that time my anger will double and triple and explode. Its like that person has no respect for my request and privacy. And I feel that person is super annoying and hatred builds up. Give people space we are not kids, we are adults here.

    Pls give him space and look into yourself as to why you are so needy and insecure ?
     
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  9. Prabh

    Prabh New IL'ite

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    Hi

    Thanks so much for concern and reply.
    I understand we have two different personalities I cant stay quiet and he needs space and I am giving him but there is one more thing about his nature that he never breaks silence on his own weather it's with his wife ,his parents or any other so am seriously afraid that he can live like this happily and he will say this even after 1 week of space also that I am happy this way I don't want to talk.

    I am managing my everyday chores , day to day things and when in between I asked him about something generally or even if I told him about food is ready etc he will reply very rudely and walks away or want me to go.

    I am clueless what to do.



    QUOTE="senorita2019, post: 4127695, member: 482917"]Sorry you are stressed out. But you have to give him space. Did you analyze why you are not giving him space. Cant you be without talking to him for couple of days till he cools downs. Why are you getting so riled up ? He is not going to leave you and go. Why cant you just do your normal chores, watch tv and stuff till he calms down and talks to you after his cooling period.

    I am like your DH, when I am angry I dont want to say mean things which I will regret for the rest of my life so I will shut down completely till i process my anger and find a way to let off the steam and be normal. If someone is chasing and hovering me during that time my anger will double and triple and explode. Its like that person has no respect for my request and privacy. And I feel that person is super annoying and hatred builds up. Give people space we are not kids, we are adults here.

    Pls give him space and look into yourself as to why you are so needy and insecure ?[/QUOTE]
     
  10. Prabh

    Prabh New IL'ite

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    Hi

    Thanks so much for concern and reply.
    I understand we have two different personalities I cant stay quiet and he needs space and I am giving him but there is one more thing about his nature that he never breaks silence on his own weather it's with his wife ,his parents or any other so am seriously afraid that he can live like this happily and he will say this even after 1 week of space also that I am happy this way I don't want to talk.

    I am managing my everyday chores , day to day things and when in between I asked him about something generally or evenif I told him about food is ready etc he will reply very rudely and walks away or want me to go.

    I am clueless what to do.




     

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