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How To Handle This?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Halosandwings, Nov 23, 2018.

  1. AmulB

    AmulB Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Gal,
    I’m new to IL and have gone through all your posts and this is my first one to reply. And I want to tell you that your mil is a blessing to you for the way she helped u for 9months staying away from her husband. Gal, get this point she could happily stay back home having to do nothing but relax and spend quality time the way she wants but she chose to stay all the way until u wanted her to stay for the help of ur baby. When you had the option of nanny then why keep her. What I am trying to tell you is she did an excellent job for her age. I’m not supporting her neither I’m denying what you are going through. She has every choice to deny helping you but she didn’t and u got to give it to that. When husband isn’t around they do behave differently you could just ignore as long as ur baby is taken care well. I really don’t get ur expectations from your mil. The expectations that u have so far shall be from ur husband. You guys have issues, he cannot remain absent and not support his child and leave the kid to his mom and think his responsibility is over. Ur kid is ur responsibility. my sincere suggestion to you is not to plan another kid until u both come to terms of how you both take responsibility of raising ur kids together. Jot down the points on how u want your husbands help whether understanding your needs or managing with kid and work. It’s his baby too and he needs to step up and take things in charge. You bringing another baby will even more complicate your relationship with your husband and ur work life too as long as u don’t get support from ur husband. If your husband chooses to remain like typical Indian male in aspects of not coming forward in helping his wife, explain him clearly what u what in a relationship, only then you can go ahead and plan things with him.
    Regarding your mil I’m not praising her but before you keep on complaining about her you should also read out what all other women faced with their in-laws and how helpful they were and Then you realize if your complaints are valid. It’s a torture to be staying in an alien country watching a kid all day and having no other life but to look after ur kid and ur responsibilities while you are gone for work.
    You should know what my mil is like, she never held my baby neither watched. She claimed as he 6mo trip to us is just vacation and didn’t even lift a spoon. I was going to school and had loads of assignments to do and household work and a little baby to handle. Not a single suggestion was given. Or did their heart melt when my baby cried while I was stuck in the kitchen. These in-laws have only expectations as they’re designed that way. My story is completely different but just wanted to give a scenario of how a mil can be. When husband is around she would only act as how much she loves her grand kid and shower artificial love etc. husbands r masked by moms love and they feel they’re are the best moms in this world. Anyways coming to ur story, don’t make another mistake. Sit with ur husband and do all the talking without getting into fights or arguments. Get clarity on what you want from ur husband and ur in-laws and how it should work for u in their presence. For me it looks like she loves ur baby the way she took care. You should let go small things and accept her as long as she doesn’t interfere in ur relationship w ur husband. Over look petty things if your heart knows she’s not harmful and u know she loves ur kid and ur family well being. When you are clear about those there is no reason for u to break ur head over her visit. She is helpful in kitchen that’s what I read, that she cooks but not as per ur spice level etc. as long as she’s cooking and taking care of her needs without having u to do anything for her I don’t see any problem. I am no one to judge ur situation but with what you’ve typed im suggesting u to just ignore small mistakes and live in peace. If you had in-laws like mine who doesn’t wanna do single chore and use dil like a maid, cook and dominate. U r in a better position.
     
  2. kavikuyil

    kavikuyil Bronze IL'ite

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    I don’t understand the attack on OP in the early few pages. Yes, her mil is a typical mil and yes, OP doesn’t understand the cultural norms and that’s the whole point of her asking for help. So, why not help her, instead attacking her?

    OP, like a few others mentioned, it’s not your mil that’s the problem, it’s your husband. His attitude in not considering you equal and in not taking responsibility is just not good. Also the fact that you paid for his parents house and pay for 95% of the expenses... don’t sit well for his character. What happens to his money that he earns? I really hope you have some assets in your name to take care of yourself. You also need to slowly change this financial dynamics of your family. It doesn’t seem healthy.

    Not knowing cultural norms is ok, you can learn but please don’t feel you have to suck it up and move on. Learn from it and empower yourself and then let it go!

    Learn from the past on how you could hence handled things better (like asking for mil’s help verbally, take your own decisions when it comes to your child, your food, your travel plans etc - don’t ask for permission, FYI is good enough!) And if he dumps his work about his car dealership work etc on you, just say you cannot. So you do housework, child care during your off days and does his work too? What the heck does he do??? You really have to figure out what works for you and stick to it.

    Also, considering that mil + husband think only about themselves and don’t care to even keep food aside for the breastfeeding mom, feel free to tell them cook to keep some veggies( or whatever you can eat) aside for you when THEY cook their dinner (and you’ll eat your diet food XYZ) so they know not to finish off your bulk cooked diet food and make you go hungry! Also If they do, have a backup plan - to call and order in expensive food for you and let your husband pay or maybe tell him to go pick up food from XYZ place. Some ppl need to be taught basics in a way they understand.

    You also need to figure out the Ice king attitude. It’s worked for him so far, so he’s continuing to use it on you. Goto therapy if needed to get help in handling this - but this is classic passive aggression and you will need to figure it out if you want to continue living with him.

    Do not attack, do not defend and do not engage (in your case, do not engage in their negative behaviour, if your ice king is freezing, just let him thaw.)

    You also need a support network that’s not your parents, husband or mil. Your nanny is good and is already a party of your support network... you also need more people in it else you’ll burn out with this stress. Get a massage therapist, counselor, go to a gym or yoga class to destress, take up a hobby, meet other people.. And while your steps in helping your child bond with father is good, you should also work on teaching your husband basic household responsibility so he can be a contributing member of the family.
     
    Last edited: Feb 6, 2019
  3. Halosandwings

    Halosandwings Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi, I am back with the update. Around the time I last posted in this thread my in laws went to my parent’s house and complained about me. My father said what he had to say in a very diplomatic way. After that, my FIL started to make efforts to call me and talk to me. My husband went to India and MIL and husband came together. She came on one-way ticket. This time around she is a different person. I have noticed a lot of changes in my husband as well. She stopped boasting about her cooking skills, house management skills etc. No more preaching on synthetic diaper vs cloth diaper or butt washing vs wipes. On my end, I have decided to make certain changes in my behavior. In the past I would ask my husband to take her out when ever he is going out and ask her to go out rather than staying in the house all the time. I have decided she can choose what ever she wants to do and it’s not my place to encourage her to do one way or other. May be 50s feel like ****.. What do I know? I chose not to insist anything on her. I would take her help if she offers and I absolutely need it. No offer, no worries. In the past, if I needed any help, I would call my husband to ask for help and my MIL would interfere and say she wants to help. It would become really hard to explain what I want and I would end up doing it. This time around if she interfered, I would tell her politely that she can ask my husband to come. In the past, I would try to explain how things worked like washing machine etc even before she asked and she would cut me off saying I know, I know. I would still continue to explain. This time around I only explained if she asked.

    I had to take a certification exam just before she came. I started to give most of the house management tasks to my nanny so I can focus on studying. Besides, my nanny would complain that she was getting bore and started to do my laundry every other day and send me an apology text.Lol... So instead, I started to give her more tasks and pay extra. I am continuing the same now as well. I noticed that it would give me quality time with my LO and I can focus my energies on improving my work-related skills. My nanny was helping me significantly before my MIL came here, while she was here and after she left. I had a work-related event one month after my MIL came here. My LO is not at the stage that I can leave him home with husband. When I was planning logistics, my husband suggested I take MIL with me. Before he could say anything more I have booked flight for myself, baby and nanny. I was able to focus on the event well.

    I have bought my MIL what she asked and sometimes what I felt she needed. Sometimes, I would suggest something if I felt she needed strongly but I would not insist. On the other hand, I stopped listening to her continuous gossip as I have no interest in doing PhD on extended family. I can spend money on her but not time. My time is too precious and time is the most valuable commodity to give away. Once I noticed that she was feeling lonely and tried to listed to her and she immediately passed snide comments on my aunt and I felt my efforts are not worth it. I would let my husband spend time with her as much as he wants. If all of us go out, I would manage my LO and MIL and husband will do their thing.

    I also refused to say yes to all the travel requests. My husband wanted all of us to go to a place. I refused to go as the weather won’t be pleasant. I told him, he can go with MIL and they did not go. Husband also wanted me to come to a work-related visit. Initially, I refused as he would go to the event and I would be left with MIL. I did give in subsequently. I was tasked with taking LO and MIL for sight-seeing. I did as much as I can and once I know the LO is going to turn cranky, I brought them back to the hotel, instead of trying to make MIL do more sight-seeing. I refused to get stretched too thin.

    My MIL behavior ranged from muttering under her breath to offering me help (Of course, in front of husband). I tried to stay neutral. I neither care for her muttering not for her help. I also refused to do anything that would be inconvenient to me. In the past, I would make sure to start the dishwasher before I went to bed. Somedays, I get so tired I fall asleep while putting baby to bed without eating etc. I chose not to wake up to start dishwasher. Initially she asked me and I told her I am too tired. Later on she started to do it herself. On weekends, My MIL would wait until my husband wakes up to empty the dishwasher. Nanny would do it on weekdays. I refused to be bothered by her behavior. All I cared was it was getting empty and I was not the one doing it…

    I cook large amounts in my off time and use it during my work days. I continued to do the same while she was here. She would cook on my work days. I noticed that there was a lot of wastage of food I cooked and I chose to cook less. That feel my MIL did not cook and finished off the dish that was meant for the baby. After that I continued to cook more and trash. During that particular week, my nanny had an emergency and she could not come to work and I was able to get a day off luckily. I managed to cook what my LO needed. On the day my nanny had an emergency, I asked my husband to take a day off. My role is essential at work and his is not. Instead, he asked me to take a day off or leave the LO in day care for the whole day. My LO goes to day care for 2 hours every day. Please note that he did not ask me to leave my LO with MIL which is a significant change compared to his past behavior. In the past, he would get upset with me if I asked my nanny to do certain tasks for the child and insisted that his mother should do. My MIL on the other hand chided me for taking a day off and said I could have used it for something else while she watched the child. I let her talk and did not say a word.

    My husband wanted me and LO to come with him to Europe for his work-related event. So my MIL had to leave after 3 months. We all flew from the airport on the same day. My husband and I had some fights while she was here. But overall, this visit was much better than her previous visit.
     
  4. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Your child is close to two and a half years old. You have a nanny for the day time. MIL was visiting. Yet you have to take the child and the nanny along on a work trip? Not delegating efficiently is one reason working mothers feel overwhelmed.

    You took off from your work to accompany your husband on his work related visit? And took MIL and LO along and took them sightseeing? And you think you "refused to get stretched too thin"?

    If you want to view his behavior as an improvement, do so. But overall, from your description, looks like he does not do his share of parenting (such as taking a day off when nanny is absent), and expects you to drop things at the drop of a hat to accompany him on work-related visits with the LO.

    I frankly don't get this. How do you travel so much while you are working and with a toddler? Also, why? You don't get a break really, and the LO won't remember these trips.
     
    MalStrom likes this.
  5. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Are you serious? Is this for real? Lady, I am as Indian as they come and if my husband or my mil ever went to my parents to ‘complain’ about me, honestly heads would roll!

    Again didn’t get a reply to the questions I had asked you earlier which would help a lot now in diagnosing what’s going on but...

    You are kidding yourself if you think things are better.

    They changed their mind not because of you or your dad but some other compelling reason - could be immigration, are you his gc sponsor? So this change could be temporary.

    You are being exploited a lot in the name of cultural difference honestly Indian girls don’t do half as much

    I hope whatever the attraction in this relationship for you is worth your salary time and energy that you are putting in.

    Based on what you have said I still don’t have a good opinion about your husband.
     
    MalStrom likes this.

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