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Minimal Communication With Husband

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by rosylife, Nov 23, 2018.

  1. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    Whom to blame? MIL or FIL who created all the mess denying his wife all the love she needed in a marriage. In most case like this every one blames MIL for creating the mess but mostly ignore FIL who made his woman a bitter person through ill treatment. We cannot generalize this way, but its possible. I have seen both cases, women in loveless marriage treating DIL very well. Also women in a happy marriage treating DIL very badly. I hope with time this issue will improve as most people start living separately after marriage. I think when we do background check before marriage everyone should inquire about the groom and also how his father treats his wife. In most cases I have noticed that a son is most likely follow the footsteps of his father , follow what he learn from his home, expect his wife to an incarnation of his mother. I also believe a woman can also teach her son on how to respect and treat other women well.

    Again , she is helpless if she don't have better options or get stuck if she has any kids and because of the belief that kid's life will be affected badly if she goes out of marriage. I think separation/divorce can create less impact if she has a supporting family. But not everyone are lucky that way. In most traditional society, all blame will be on the women-Its her fault that her husband is not able to love her. Eventually her kids have to listen the same from society . All those who live in urban environment can move on easily as no one cares. But in conservative society, its another trauma women have to face. Again she has to struggle to get back her self esteem and self confidence back just because she was unlucky to be in an unhappy marriage. I believe many women with kids, I mentioned above, continue like room mates due to practical reasons and also because they don't have a better option or the courage to explore other options. Some manage it better and find ways to be happy. I believe they can do it because life's priorities on physical needs or life keep on changing with age. What a women want in 20's, 30's or 40's may be different from the requirements in 50's or 60's. So they can better manage the situation like living in a hostel maintain peace and harmony in her home, but its not the ideal situation to be in. Whatever many be the age, it quite natural to long for a companion, I think.

    I wonder how its possible. How can one check compatibility or chemistry before marriage. I believe you can check only if you start living with the person even in love or arranged marriage. In traditional set up even now living together before marriage is not possible. In western society also people break up after living together for a long time. Most of us in arranged marriage meet with the person, talk for a few times in person or over phone, or chat, then marry. But that time everyone projects the best not the real person, make others very comfortable. So I don't know how its possible to check this aspect before marriage.

    If a women is strong, they should get out of a loveless marriage as soon as possible and dont wait to create a progeny for person who cannot be a companion to his woman for whatever reasons. But it wont happen very well because in most Indian marriage, the women will be expected to be a mother soon after marriage and she don't get time to understand her man better. Later only they realize what is missing, by the time she will have a few kids & trapped in marriage. Whatever may be the situation women should know what her rights are and take control of her life in her hands.

    I think time is changing. My sister recently attended a training program. She was surprised to know that out of 70 women, 30 are divorced (young too) and 19 had love marriage (she never came across that many divorced women earlier in one place) . Most important thing she noticed was that most of them were looking very confident and strong. It looking like when a women is financially independent, they are getting more courage to get out of a bad marriage than before.

    Sorry OP for diverting.
     
    Last edited: Nov 28, 2018
    Agathinai, shravs3, messedup and 2 others like this.
  2. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    MIL to be blamed for making her DIL's life a mess. But of course FIL, the society, her supportive FOO etc..etc.. to be blamed for the mess she has been in.
    It is simple as this... If a man rape a woman, he will be punished for the act. He will be blamed for the act. However, there should be various reasons such as his poor upbringing, past incidents, drug etc..etc... behind his behavior.
    If the FIL (husband in any case) denies the love that a wife needs in a marriage, then there is no point of blaming him or cursing him. Rather, wife needs to accept this, and move on.
    Having self dependence is the only solution when society and family is unsupported. That's why we encourage women to have the capability to stand on their own legs, even though there is no financial concern in their life.

    Certainly... Even I have seen both cases too.
    I did not say a woman in bad marriage will turn out to be an evil MIL 100%. But most likely the bitter one will act bitterly with everyone. It is like too much of bitterness spill over everywhere.
    My sister's MIL had a very tragic marriage. Her in laws abused her for many years when her H was in abroad, and he was not smart enough to sense his wife's sufferings during his 1 month vacation (to home) each year.
    She started establish a nuclear family only after 20 yrs of her marriage, and then only enjoyed this freedom.
    But she was determined to be the best MIL when her turn comes, and she lives by that.
    The prime reason is, she was loved and cherished by her H no matter what. So, all her hatred and problem was limited to her PILs.
    Where as my MIL suffered a love less marriage, though she never had in laws.
    There was no end to her bitterness, though there seem to be no abuse in her nuclear family.
    She is bitter towards life, has this hatred for no reason and I can understand the difference in both the cases.
    Even in my case, I still suffer some or the other way with my PILs. But I am happy in my marriage because I enjoy the love, affection, care, and sex with my husband to the fullest. This is what keeps me going as a positive person despite of the challenges I face in my marriage otherwise.

    True. But at the same time, society is changing... People are changing... We need to acknowledge that and move on.
    My grandma was living a loveless marriage for many years. As far as I know, she had never experienced the taste of love in her life at all.
    There were millions of compatibility issues in her marriage. Grandpa had his job, friends and alcohol to turn to. But grandma had nothing, other than feeling bitter day in and day out for many years, which eventually made her a negative woman (and obviously very bad MIL).
    Despite of her qualifications, she did not have the courage to walk out of the marriage due to social/familial, but her bitterness influenced in all her children's lives negatively (particularly the male kids).

    But today, almost 60-70 years after her marriage time, women are very much comfortable to walk out of a loveless marriage.
    There are women who could bear their spouse's occasional verbal or physical abuse, financial instability in the marriage and even in laws' problems. But no one puts up with absolutely loveless/sexless marriage forever.
    And the society is very much forward to accept or rather dont care such personal matters anymore.

    There is nothing much to be surprised here. People have started to accept that marriage is good, but it is not compulsory.
    In my circle (ranging from my native place, to relatives to friends and colleagues from the metros to the people in abroad) there are so many divorced/separated couples.
    I know many women, between 30-50 years of age had the courage to walk out of abusive or loveless or incompatible marriage to lead a happy and confident life alone.
    Some of them have even amicably separated to be the good parents for their kids.
    Many of them have even found their soul mates very soon after separation to have a great marriage
    They all have been accepted as part of the family, society and even they are happy.

    What is surprise here is, there are many single men who are ready to marry divorced women with kids with the fullest consent of their family.
    This was never possible in my grandma's time. So, her decision to feel bitter and swallow the bitterness at that era can be accepted. But not anymore.
    Women need to come forward, and start depending on themselves.
    Swallowing bitterness for life will never bring anything positive to them or to their kids or to the society. It is just an illusion the society has created for their comfort.


    It is very possible. It is not a rocket science. Particularly it is possible in arranged marriage, where emotions and hormones are not involved.

    Both my bro and sister had arranged marriage only. But they were very much part of each and every process of their marriage.
    Chemistry is something that you feel the instant liking to a particular profile among many others. And then the bride and groom should take the initiative to see each other, talk to each other and openly discuss their way of life before each other. They should invest at least 3-6 months for a getting to know period before committing anything.
    They can start with friendship and it will be felt in no time whether this relationship will work or not.
    You can't act all the time.

    My brother rejected at least 5 girls before choosing the last one (his wife). He said that he liked her the first time itself and thereafter he only developed some affection and love for her.
    But with the others, he tried and tried to feel the connect over the time, but it just never happened.
    Same with my sister too. She was ready to marry anyone that our mother showed to her. Before this match, my mom showed 2 other profiles, and my sis said yes to them. But fortunately, the groom's side did not proceed further.
    But when she met the 3rd one (her H), she felt the magic. I still remember that my sister did not sleep the whole night after that day.
    Me and my mom were worried whether she disliked him or whether she didnt have the courage to say NO to mom.
    But later, we got to know that she felt love and disturbed that night, and from that point onwards it was a very affectionate relationship.

    But many of my friends said that they never felt anything even during the first night, and the relationship is like a forced love or forced sex something of that sort.
    They are certainly peaceful, in a decent marriage. But no love.
     
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  3. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    Thanks SGBV for sharing your views and real life experience of your family members who are lucky that way.

    But this will not work all the time. I am sure all those women who posted in married life forum (educated/ independent women) with an issue might have thought the same when they decided to marry their husband. They thought there is chemistry, compatibility, affection , love and everything and they are going to get a good companion in their life including OP of this post. This is the same feeling all those women who ended up in asexual marriage also thought. But what happened. I came across a few. Some of them get out of the marriage. Others are not. But their life changed just because they ended up with a wrong guy (Its also possible the other way too).

    Where did all these chemistry, they thought exist go? They all realized after the initial face of marriage that their expectation and reality are completely different. They end up in a loveless, emotionless marriage that lack chemistry compatibility, companionship or even friendship for whatever reasons. Due to lack of emotional connection many deny intimacy, some are forced to in to it ( came across similar posts). In many cases the women are expected to work on the marriage its her responsibility. They can work on the marriage only when their spouse is also ready to work. If they imagine that there is no issue and wife is just nagging, what they can do? In many cases, its the lack of proper communication and understanding lead to this situation.

    I came across many couples who stay in the marriage for the sake of kids only. I really don't know how it work and how they overcome the disappointment. Ideally everyone like to be loved and wish for a great marriage. But if that is not the case what one should do. I cannot imagine. So I believe there are some aspects I am not aware of or I may get more wisdom if I gain more life experience or get older. May be they are trying to be practical than emotional.

    Ideally I would have suggested to get out of loveless marriage and find a better life or stay single and be happy ( here I am not talking about marriage with abuse/infidelity/ or other serious issues, but ok marriage to others but to the woman its love/emotionless marriage). But its the choice by each individual . I respect both decision. But most of the time women in these unhappy marriage are in love with the marriage and not the man in their life. They stay because of security it provides or thinking about kids future. Even though time is changing still the women who are divorced/separated/stay single has to face many many other issues. Many women don't have the courage. But I am sure when they realize that there no other option left they will gain the strength to do so. All we can suggest is to help them see and enjoy other aspects of life.

    The case I mentioned above (#22), most of them escaped from unhappy marriage in the first few years and don't have kids. If they have kids, I am sure they would have tried to adjust like many other unlucky women unless they reach a breaking point.
    I stop here as I dont want to diver from OP's thread. May be I should start another one to explore this situation. Thanks
     
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  4. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    Good essay. There are threads already "here", such as the one with the title "how to deal with incompatibility"
    However, I think you and SGBV have contributed much to OP's thoughts: when there are such a lot of worse cases possible, just a slightly pudgy, quiet fellow, is nothing to scoff at. :blush:
     
  5. Jazmine83

    Jazmine83 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi op..

    I vaguely remember posting something along this topic a while back

    My thoughts on this..we have to keep refreshing ourselves to have something new to talk about..else ppl get into this mode of doing activities which involve less talking..like watching movies together. And dont rely on kids to fill this void..then conversations will start revolving only around kids. This starts to get boring.

    What i would suggest:
    - take a new class..gym, dance, painting whatever.
    - have some friends u meet regularly. Few times a week i go for a walk with my gf. Every friday my H goes for happy hour with the boys
    - find some common interests to talk about..lot going on these days. We watch john oliver, Trevor Noah and it doesnt end there...v talk about it
    - try playing sports or board games together. Battleship is a great 2 person game.
    - finally dont put ur relationship on autopilot...make an effort...find both common n uncommon interests n build on that...we recently started doing tik tok with our baby..its so much fun. All the very best
     
  6. Reesha

    Reesha Silver IL'ite

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    :clap2::grinning:Really true in my case
     
  7. agdimple333

    agdimple333 Junior IL'ite

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    Talk about something you know that would interest him like his day or his parents, vacations.
     

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