How To Handle This?

Hi Everybody! Here I go again! I am back to big paragraphs.


1. I had a few minor issues with her which really did not bother me much like her disapproval on using disposable diapers to the baby ( I have tremendous respect for people who use cloth diapers and I use biodegradable ones) and occasional taunts on my not wearing gold (I don’t wear even to functions) and if I cook something special or make a Rangoli for eg say that my SIL does these so better ( which she probably does. My SIL is sweet. My MIL never says what I have done is neither good or bad. It just drifts off towards SIL, which I don’t understand why)


2. There were things I consider are in bad taste like she told me to ask my parent to get a gold waist chain for the baby. We already bought things we thought relevant like chain and a bracelet. I as an adult earning daughter do not like to ask stuff from parents even if it is custom(besides it’s supposed to be gift not demand). She wanted 200 sweet boxes to give away when we went to India. 2 days before the sweet boxes were to leave FIL called and wanted another 50 boxes. My parents arranged that. Then my MIL tells me that those 250 were not enough and she could not send sweets to everyone she wanted. I was little annoyed as my parents gave money to gift clothes to all the extended family members ( Hubby’s uncles, aunts etc) and gifted baby chain, 2 bracelets and ofcourse the waist chain. (I was asked to keep my mouth shut by my parents) at the end it was not enough. Then she made up stuff saying my father told that he would make arrangement to take our luggage to international airport which was not true, which I told everyone that it’s not true and what ended up happening was my father ended up making arrangements (our families do not live in a metropolitan area).


3. She would tell me that she used to cook this, cook that, decorate this and do that. I mean basically praise her home making skills.


4. She would tell me that my SIL is suffering in her MIL’s hands. I did hear from others that SIL’s MIL is not a good person so I believe what my MIL says must be true. But SIL lives in a different metropolitan city from her MIL and probably meets her 2 or 3 times a year. I understand words can be traumatic for a long time but I was little tired of listening to the repeated narrative.


5. She told me that both FIL and MIL prayed that we will have a boy (I find this quite annoying). Husband and I wanted a baby girl.


6. Coming to husband, when the baby was born he would hold my leg on one side while I pushed the baby out, stayed up with me when baby was new born. Baby had jaundice and very irritable and would not sleep he was by my side helping me. He would refuse to keep the baby down though I was protesting that could make him wanting constant contact. He would give bath to the baby before he got head control as I was little scared to handle.


7. He started to change gradually. He started to sleep another room when baby wake up crying. Bathing became my responsibility gradually etc.


8. My MIL who would not bother much to help when I am cooking or cleaning would jump in to help if I asked my husband to help me with something (That really used to irk me).


9. In the end, it was like – I can not take help from my husband because she would not let him help and I was getting frustrated with everything.


10. Now, my baby is very attached to me. I know at this age they are usually very attached to mothers. But mine protests if his dad holds him even though I am sitting there. If my husband tries to join when I read bedtime story he protests. Things are slowly getting better these days. Husband and I both give bath. I think he feels little jealous of my relationship with the baby. Today my baby intentionally went to his dad from me. I have been working the long weekend and husband is taking care of him for four days probably helped.

 

Putting these in words have actually helped me to realize certain things. It helped me to clear certain extreme emotions. It actually helped me to organize my thoughts. I think I should try this more often.


1. I realized what annoyed me with MIL was her change in behavior when people are around and I realized that I can not change her behavior. The only thins I can change is my reaction to it.


2. I realized that I did not like leaving the work 4 times a day and I was very dissatisfied with myself for not giving my best at work. Please understand calling mother when a child is crying inconsolably is different that calling mother every time the baby cries. I think she would not call my husband because she did not want my husband to lift a finger. A handful of times I sent my husband to handle the issue. Looking back, may be I could have sent him more often.


3. One of my biggest fears with MIL visit is is that my husband would go into frequent ice king mode – its my nick name for the times he decides to sulk, he communicates but with minimal words peppered with nonverbal contempt. It’s like I know there is something wrong and I have to dig it out of him but he won’t come out with it. It’s like you have to look for the needle in the haystack but don’t know where the haystack is.


4. Another worry is the bonding between the father and baby would be interrupted. I wanted to know from men, if it’s common for fathers to act that way. Very excited when baby was born and then kind of take back step etc. My husband seems to have a romantic but not practical vision of his mother raising our baby. My unmarried brother mentioned something like he would like my mom to be a part of raising the baby. Is this the way men feel like their babies should be raised by their mothers because they turned out to be so good?


5. My husband has been in ice king mode since Wednesday, the day he mentioned MIL will be coming in Feb. He plans to go to India in Jan and return with his mom in Feb. I did not say much. I have a feeling it’s more like a FYI thing. May be its not. His secretary told me 10 days back he did not request any schedule change for January and his schedule was full on the intended days he wanted to travel. My husband used to go in Ice king mode once in a while in the past. It was increased in frequency when MIL was around and then its resurfacing again. My MIL loves to come to US and FIL hates to come here. She had visited US in the past for 6 months while FIL decided to leave soon. I may not able to postpone her visit. May be I can ask FIL to come too. I don’t know.


6. Now, please tell me this. Is there a cultural nuance that I am not understanding here. I remembered one of my Indian friends telling me that her MIL would not cook enough and tell her to eat less so her husband can eat more. Is there a cultural thing that kind of in the subconscious mind not to make enough food. I personally feel that it’s abuse. I still do not understand why cook less even when there is a fulltime nanny. By the time baby is 7 or 8 months I was weighing less than my pregnancy weight and had some health issues. Besides, how am I supposed to make breast milk? BTW going low carb is not that hard you just substitute your roti with low carb tortilla from the store.


7. Also, I noted that I have a different perspective regarding what would be considered as hard work. It probably comes from the way I was raised. My mother is 61 and father is 64 and both still work and their work is harder than mine and they want to continue what they are doing for another 4 years. The universal consensus here was what I have expected from MIL was unfair. maybe it is. I really don’t think some of you are trying to be hard to me.. I mean what would you gain my being hard on me? I think you expressed was your honest opinion. Please give me on what kind of additional support my MIL would have needed. As I mentioned nanny would clean, empty dishwasher, handwash dishes, make food for the baby, cut veggies for MIL, do baby’s laundry even when she was part time employed. (I think my nanny lives in a lamp)


8. Is there a cultural block that prevented her from asking to extend the nanny’s hours? My own parents tell me that I am some what alienated from my culture (I left home when I was 15). My husband would have done it in a blink if she asked. Once again, money is not an issue for us. I told her clearly that we can extend nanny’s hours depending on her convenience. Is there some kind of cultural thing (I am not able to put in words) here that could have prevented her from asking?


9. In general, what are the cultural expectations of Dil towards her in laws and vice versa? My understanding or expectation is that the care would be/should be mutual. I always wanted them to be happy and tried to keep them happy. We visited India almost once a year, buy gifts, buy house, car etc. We take them to places when they visit here. I was instructed by my parents that I should always go to their house when I come to India and I do that. My parents do things to keep them happy. Why my comfort was not considered whether it’s food or to work peacefully. Let me know if such expectation is not culturally acceptable or uncommon? I can put on my big girl panties and move on but I just needed to know.


10. I am glad that some of you opted to go with nanny from the beginning. I wish I was that smart. I had this worry about trusting a stranger and I personally think I am damn lucky to find a very good nanny in my first try. She was the only one I interviewed. As you guys pointed out I could have been assertive and that’s true. I have always been the kind of person that believed honey attracts more flies than vinegar. I thought I was trying to keep domestic peace with gentle persuasion, esp with husband in ice king mode. But looking back I realize that was not a smart move as domestic peace was lost anyways. May be vinegar has it’s role.


11. My baby is started to show signs of delayed development around 10 – 11 months. He started to lose weight after his first birthday. I have to take him to physical therapy, occupational therapy, speech therapy, hearing testing, dietician etc. He gained some weight and started to walk when he is 17 months. I am kind of hinted to go for another round of speech and physical therapy but we decided to wait as we feel his cognitive skills are good.


12. I have no intention of depending on my MIL for anything. I am going to continue what I am doing. I have an exam coming in last week of Feb. Hopefully I will start studying more seriously. We are in the process of TTC for second child but I cannot do baby dance with ice king. I guess I am just typing random thoughts that are coming to my mind and I should stop here. I wont be able answer everyone individually because of time constrains. I really appreciate you taking time to go thorough a random person’s ramblings. I think there is a lot of information I posted that I initially did not intend to share. At some point I will delete my posts.