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Feeling Melancholy And Thinking Of Past Always..

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by Needtobestrong, Nov 1, 2018.

  1. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    I'm SAHM and home maker and indeed very busy, but I don't know why somehow, these days my my mind keeps drifting back to the distant past, about childhood days, college days and early work days etc...
    I keep thinking about my old friends with whom I lost touch and some friends of just some years ago whom I lost touch intentionally or unintentionally..those who cut me out deliberately..
    I'm finding myself obsessively going through old pics both offline and online and comparing myself to how I was then and now..
    Especially the pics of my college days and fresher days at office when I was so much slimmer and better looking and full of energy and hopes and aspirations..now I feel like an middle aged aunty,
    I'm having lot of regrets about my childhood days which were not really that happy, and my college days too...
    During junior college days I was friends with a group of people who were not really good company and I lost my focus on studies temporarily..had I not associated with them my grades would have been much much better and I'd have got into a university of my choice for my undergrad..this fact keeps poking me when I see my juniors getting into reputed universities of their choice..
    When i see pics on social networking of batchmates posing with their friends, I feel bad as my friends are in different corners of the world and I could meet them once in 2 years maybe..I did make friends at work a couple of years ago, but work based friendships don't last long due to work pressures and competitions and varying project schedules..I.e it's very common for people to join and leave a team or project or company now and then ...
    Now few genuine friends who stayed in touch with me are far far away..many cut me off ....many don't have courtesy to reply to one message also..and I try my best to make friends with ladies in my neighbourhood..but since all are busy with their own families or kids it's more of hi bye how are you relationship..
    Old friends whom I would Not have given a second thought earlier are alway running through my mind now and I feel bad thinking how all are more successful than me now..
    I could previously share all my feelings with my hubby but recently even he has become cold and distant with me..he only discusses domestic household stuffs like grocery purchase, food preparation, medical checkups etc with me and hardly spends much quality time with me...really sometimes he just behaves like room mate..i m also used to it by now.
    I'm also having many regrets about my past career..I wish I had been more smart and made proper decisions in my career when working..I wouldn't be sitting at home now and jobless with no career prospects..I had so much time and opportunities which I didn't utilise properly..
    I'm having lots of resentments towards laws for making my newly married days miserable , I see how other MILs are treating their DILs with so much affection and giving so much freedom...I don't get any freedom in my personal life or much support for career..
    I feel guilty to share my confusions with parents or husband as they would feel very hurt,.
    Sorry for long post..
    I felt like venting..
    I'm actually busy throughout the day, it's my mind that is restless and lacking confidence..I'm trying to be emotionally dependant and not have expectations or depend on anyone to comfort me or console me when feeling low but it's quite tough..
    How do I come out of this phase and become more cheerful ? And stop looking back into the past?
    I don't think I can go back to work anytime soon, but how do I cut out these obsessive thoughts over past regrets and be more focused and positive person?
     
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  2. GeetaKashyap

    GeetaKashyap IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Need-to-be-strong,

    When you already know the answer,
    Why are you posing the question?

    Innovate yourself,
    Mine for some confidence and creativity; you will find it within yourself,
    Learn to let go many things that have no place in your life,
    Make peace with what you cannot let go,
    Learn to smile and encourage only happy thoughts in your mind.

    Past is gone, future is unknown!
    You have only the present in your hand,
    Make the most of your precious today!

    Cheers!
     
  3. Gauri03

    Gauri03 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    She needed to hear you say it. You do say it so well! : )
     
  4. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    A long nice definition leading to a question teases out the answers on its own.
    Your mind wanders back to happier times, and makes you despondent. And you have none to share, and recover.

    This forum's Mod @Rakhii had suggested that one can use a meditative mantra (she uses a buddhist one Myōhō Renge Kyō, but it can be anything, including hakuna-matata ). Holding oneself, with eyes closed, and repeating that mantra you had chosen a few times, would help you clear the cobwebs of memories, and get you back to a peaceful mindset. Just do your chores, while repeating your mantra/chant. Here is Rakhii's post, a response to another IL-member in a similar lonesome situation.

    Here is an unsurprising fact: Everybody with a few decades of life, and a fully functional hard disc drive, is in this same boat. Coping mechanisms can have security blankets, puja chants, forwarding useless platitudes on whatsapp, etc. etc.. For me, I have an amulet. :blush:
     
    Last edited: Nov 2, 2018
    Needtobestrong likes this.
  5. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear @Needtobestrong

    I hear you loud and clear. I can understand what emotions you are battling with.
    I was in your shoes sometimes back briefly for a while. I had to take a sabbatical from my career due to some unavoidable family circumstance back then.
    I was just entering into my 30s, and the marriage life got very flat, kids and the routine household chores became my life.
    Though I was active in social media, and was part of many whatsapp groups as before, I could sense how I became invisible in everyone's lives all of a sudden.

    This is not a new issue. In fact, this is the phase almost all the house wives are going through during their middle age now a days.
    It was different a few decades back when our mothers were house wives.
    Sorry for using this house wife term. I just don't buy this fancy home maker or economy maker terms.
    Let's be real here.

    When our moms were at home, almost all of their peers were also at home.
    They had a very valuable role to play at home, which was inevitable back then.
    They needed to cook, maintain the home, prepare all the ingredients for cooking, making snacks, hosting guests often, gardening, and whatnot.
    They were not replaceable with fast foods, or take aways that easily.
    They were not replaceable with machines, and kitchen equipment
    They were not replaceable with TV or laptop too.
    So, after the working hours the husbands and the children took refuge at their wives/mom's place to spend their rest of the time.
    Everything about the external world was shared with these women and their judgement on family matters were highly respected.
    Meanwhile, these house wives had their own circle of sisters from the relatives, neighborhood etc... to spend quality time with. They were well updated on worldly matters too.
    So, they remained emotionally very strong, in fact their husbands needed them a lot.

    But, we are in a different world today.
    Everyone is independent, and that's the beauty of today's world.
    Even my 5 year old girl is not fully dependent on me.
    Almost all my peers go to work and have their own circle. Not that a circle of serious and reliable friends for lives. But a circle of people to hang on with.
    We don't visit our neighbors 2-3 times a day, as we sometimes don't even know who live in our neighborhood.
    We don't mingle that closely with our relatives as before.
    So, in such an independent life, you can't rely on others to make yourself live and feel motivated to live.

    Don't depend on your husband to feel happy or motivated. He is your spouse, not a part of you.

    See, happiness is contagious and it attracts many people towards you. That's how you get new friendships and the motivation to go ahead.
    If you are not happy, it is possible that you attract negativity. No one wants to be around with a negative person, who has got nothing to give them.
    Perhaps that's why they don't associate with you much.

    See, if you are not lively, not even your spouse feel attracted towards you. It is possible that he keeps on losing interest on you, to end up living a room-mate life.

    There is nothing wrong in the world, but the problem lies in you. No one other than you can change this.

    First of all, find a reason to get out of your home at least for 1 hr a day.
    If not for a job, you may consider volunteering, or learning a new thing. Be it a new language, new course such as cookery, interior decor, tailoring or even driving.
    This could give you a purpose to go on.
    Plus, you might meet some new people to hang on.
    New friendship, new information, new perspective..... This can add value to your life.

    See, the moment you realize that someone is looking at you, noticing you, listening to you...you will get an urge to present yourself better.
    Be it in your looks, or the way you talk or share information, I am sure you would take extra care in how you present yourself.
    This is the urge that forces us to dress nicely, lose weight, set targets, etc....

    Unlike you, I feel embarrassed by looking at my School and early college days' pictures.
    I look so different in them, like a very shy and invisible girl in the gang.

    But today, in my mid 30, I am proud to say that I look good. I look much better than those early 20s, in everything. Not just my looking, but in my thinking, having the clarity, focus etc.
    My self-confidence is the only thing that has improved in these years.

    Yes, I don't wait for other's approval to feel happy or do things that pleases me.
    This helps me to find the happiness within me.
    And I tell you... I have so much problems in life than you. Yet, I don't let these problems swallow myself.
    I live my life, enjoy every single minutes of this life to the fullest.

    This happy me, for sure attract so many people. Both male and female.
    They in return express their interest and willingness to be my friend. They feel the positivism and courage by being with me.
    When I am surrounded by people, I feel the urge to look better, and behave better.
    And when this happens continually, it is obvious that look better.

    Forget about those past friends... You have nothing to give them right now.
    Focus on yourself and be happy. When you have happiness and positivism in you, many new friends will surround you.
     
    Mehana, pinkydarling, salad and 9 others like this.
  6. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    @Needtobestrong We are victims of our own prejudices. Success in life is not measured by which college you went to or how thin or fat you think you are. You are a success if you are happy irrespective of what life throws at you. Many years ago I felt like you. Once I hit 40 I sort of had a revelation. That I had to accept myself the way I am. I wondered why I spent most of younger life feeling unsure about myself and my situations.
    I am on a break from my career while the rest of the world is moving ahead at jetspeed. I might not be a success in the typical sense but I am very confident about myself. My identity as a mother is enough for me to feel successful.
    Social media feeds into our insecurities. It’s purpose is to keep in touch with others , not to isolate ourselves because of our complexes. I hope you do not waste your precious life in self pity.
     
  7. Durga18

    Durga18 Silver IL'ite

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    @Needtobestrong ,I am also going through the same phase. Feeling better that i came across this thread.
     
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  8. Durga18

    Durga18 Silver IL'ite

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    @SGBV , Thanks for your wonderful words. They are really encouraging.
     
  9. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    @SGBV thanks for the wonderful and detailed reply.
    You are so sensible and think and act in a practical way..ur replies are always encouraging to me.
     
  10. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    Thanks to all who patiently read my thread and replied..I was feeling so low that day and I just posted here..
    Will surely follow the suggestions I got here and be a happier and positive minded person..
     
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