How Do You Handle Hatred From Another Parent ?

mangaii · Oct 26, 2018

Hi ,
I'm looking for suggestions on how to handle this parent. I recently signed up my kid for say a activityA. This place is run by one single individual but he is really good. So he depends a lot on parents to run this activity. There is parent B who is super involved in this and she is like a right hand . Now the issue is my kid has picked up the skills very fast but no way closer to B's kid. Now for some reason she thinks that my kid is a threat and she has been spitting venom at me. She is always waiting for something to go wrong to find fault on me. She watches me like a hawk. She is literally so absorbed in my own kid than hers. There were incidents where she informed the guy that I told something which was not even true. She lies, backbites and does all nonsense so we either leave or he sends us out. Since he is heavily dependent on her she will never be shown the door and her faults will be overlooked. Now my annual dues are up I'm thinking about how much we suffered in her hands and I don't want to continue this anymore. Before every event, she will purposefully come and say negative things. I know in my heart her kid is way more talented than mine but she doesn't leave any opportunity to find fault on me. In front of the guy, she will act like she is the most helping person .I actually don't care about this event anymore and I want to quit. But my husband sees lot of potential and wants to continue. He found another place which is an hour from my place. I'm no way driving that far . That will waste lot of time. If I pay the money I'm stuck for a year but my heart says to quit. I don't want to see her anymore in my life. She is full of negative energy . I like to keep my life simple.

Any suggestions.

jskls · Oct 26, 2018

OP,
Is there a way your husband can deal with this particular activity and you step out for a while. If you have to donit is it possible to avoid interactions with this lady.

Before quitting consider if your child likes this activity is benefiting from this activity and in the long term will it be interesting for your child.

I have been in that situation with both my kids. I am glad I didn’t quit because I didn’t get along with the instructor. My kid might not be the best as per the instructors standard but what the kid is learning and it’s benefits keeps me going

mangaii · Oct 27, 2018

@jskls thanks Unfortunately my husband comes late from work so that is not possible. Yes my kid loves the activity but even she has complained about the obsessive nature of the parent. For example if someone ask question about my kid or if I share anything she will be the one providing the answer. Honestly this activity will not break or make my kid's life . Especially she has too much time and she will stoop too low to achieve her goal. She always puts me down and says something outright rude in group discussion . But all this she does subtly. If it affected me alone I would havehandled it differently but it affects my kid also. Recently I have been noticing that as a family we discuss too much about her. That is what bothering me and I feel my heart is racing when she comes near me wondering what she is going to do next.

jskls · Oct 27, 2018

Mangai, then better to quit if its not a big deal. Why get hurt unnecessarily over an activity. If u decide to pull your kid out then tell the person who is running the activity. Give him the true reason. Even if hes unable to do anything about it now he might not be willing to loose few more and would possibly take some action.

googleearth · Oct 27, 2018

I am curious to know what activity is this? And how old is your child? "so we either leave or he sends us out" - as a paying customer how can he send you out? I would ask for refund that might make the instructor come to his senses. Is it only you that she targets or there are other moms too? Since I don't know what activity it is I don't understand why does your behavior is being scrutinized? Example: if your child is in soccer class max she might have ability to make the child to sit on bench but what you do in the bleachers should not make your child to leave the field.

troubledmom · Oct 27, 2018

Can you combine with other parents and carpool?

Never really faced hatred mostly just an annoyingly talkative parent here and there who would keep me for long and unable to extricate. To avoid that I would drop off kid at curbside and also instruct kid to come to pre determined parked spot after class. Thus avoided by refusing to exit my vehicle. It never came to point of yanking kid. There are many ways to continue the activity yet avoid and refuse to engage annoying adults - email, drop off pickup only, carpool etc. maybe your issue is activity specific it would help to know what activity this is.

That said if coach is asking you to leave then it’s a little tricky are you being actively dissuaded by coach and parent b or is this only on b. More details would help.

SinghManisha · Oct 27, 2018

This kind of behavior from another parent is so offputting but not uncommon. I would have a talk with the instructor/ organizer and let him know. Tell him it’s unfortunate that your kid enjoys the activity but all the drama surrounding this will prompt him to leave. Decide based on what his reaction will be.
If you really want to stay on talk to the lady . Tell her you don’t appreciate her behavior. It’s possible she doesn’t even realize she comes across as a bully. Worst case you will discontinue the activity but atleast you will make her realize .

anika987 · Oct 27, 2018

mangaii said: ↑

Hi ,
I'm looking for suggestions on how to handle this parent. I recently signed up my kid for say a activityA. This place is run by one single individual but he is really good. So he depends a lot on parents to run this activity. There is parent B who is super involved in this and she is like a right hand . Now the issue is my kid has picked up the skills very fast but no way closer to B's kid. Now for some reason she thinks that my kid is a threat and she has been spitting venom at me. She is always waiting for something to go wrong to find fault on me. She watches me like a hawk. She is literally so absorbed in my own kid than hers. There were incidents where she informed the guy that I told something which was not even true. She lies, backbites and does all nonsense so we either leave or he sends us out. Since he is heavily dependent on her she will never be shown the door and her faults will be overlooked. Now my annual dues are up I'm thinking about how much we suffered in her hands and I don't want to continue this anymore. Before every event, she will purposefully come and say negative things. I know in my heart her kid is way more talented than mine but she doesn't leave any opportunity to find fault on me. In front of the guy, she will act like she is the most helping person .I actually don't care about this event anymore and I want to quit. But my husband sees lot of potential and wants to continue. He found another place which is an hour from my place. I'm no way driving that far . That will waste lot of time. If I pay the money I'm stuck for a year but my heart says to quit. I don't want to see her anymore in my life. She is full of negative energy . I like to keep my life simple.

Any suggestions.
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I don’t know what activity this is but is there any way you can change the timings for your kid?

Before quitting,think of other options or talk to someone out there who can be of some help.

Worst if you really wanna quit,blast that psycho lady to your heart’s content and get away.

I hate people like this who are so competitive.Healthy competition is one thing but the above said behavior even has my blood boiling!

Check out if there are any other options and research well.Even if it is an hour away but just once a week do it for your kid’s sake.You will get used to it.The child and you need to be in a healthy environment.

That psycho lady can’t fight with each and every parent...

Never understood this stupid competition.One just needs to focus and be passionate and do what they like..

All the best

Laks09 · Oct 30, 2018

@mangaii - Since your DD is feeling something and you are discussing this lady at home, it's best to call it quits. I'm not sure how to change the child's mind after a few instances of such bias. You could stay and make it a teaching moment but what will you gain by staying? It's an activity, not a teacher whom you have to put up with for two years of high school. Pick your battles and reserve your energy for things that are truly important. Maybe you can revisit the activity next year and see if there are better options near you. You could try something else this year. I think it's good to try out various extracurriculars so kids are exposed to multiple things and can pick one to concentrate on during the busy HS years.

1Sandhya · Oct 30, 2018

By any chance is this activity something culturally specific or typical of another culture or race and you and daughter got unwittingly admitted to one of the more hardcore coaching traditions? I mean are this lady and the coach belonging to that culture or race and looking down on you for your lack of knowledge? I guess an analogy would be if some white kid or other race kid got enrolled into advanced Hindustani music or bharathnatyam class but clueless about language, or very basic things like where to get or what to do kind of things which are very culturally specific but well known to aficionados?

If so then I would suggest you withdraw since you are out of depth and not getting any help from the people who should be helping you but maybe consider enrolling in the other class an hour away.

In deciding what to do definitely talk to your kid and get her POV. It’s surprising what matters and doesn’t matter to kids of this generation I was frequently surprised myself by my kids opinion usually much less dire and much more accepting than my read of the situation. In more than one case I have also abandoned a more drastic course of action because kid insisted it really didn’t matter, they didn’t care even if my concern was real because of some other aspect which made it worthwhile for them to continue. So these discussions can be enlightening.

An hour commute is par for the course once it becomes part of your routine you will not notice it. Thing is a mother’s heart is not logical - with same vehemence with which it is saying no no now an year later it will cry why didn’t I? Why didn’t I? Talk to your kid and decide.