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In-laws Visit - A Disaster

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by aamrapali, Oct 20, 2018.

  1. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Platinum IL'ite

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    I bet you can't keep mum and won't cook for 10 days. Because you're not built that way.
    You would still want them to eat, shop and send off in a good manner.
    Just be polite , formal. Cook 2 times a day. Minimal cooking as you would do any normal working day.
    Cleaning wise same.
    If they want to find flaws, mistakes let them.
    Be yourself and show only DIL face not a Butler face.
    I hope they realize you were extending the relationship bridge they failed by thier ego.
     
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  2. aamrapali

    aamrapali Gold IL'ite

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    I have read all the responses and considered all your points. To sum up:

    (1). Silent treatment, acting as if someone is invisible, and sabotaging their hard work is bullying and abuse. I have experienced this on more than one occasion on the work front which is when I spent a lot of time reading about it and how to handle it. Ignoring will NEVER drive the bully away. And the effect is so deep yet so invisible to everyone else around who cannot see it. The only solution is confront and stand up to bullying behavior to make it stop. Applies to ALL - school, work, family.

    (2). I have tried doing nothing, doing something, and doing a lot. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING works with my in-laws. For decades it is the same thing over and over again. They want to maintain a relationship ONLY with their son. He HAS to call them every weekend. Otherwise they will call at midnight and wake us up. They keep me in dark on important practical matters involving money and property. They don't tell me ANYTHING. They make secret vacations in India which they don't tell me. They put pressure on him to visit every year. This year he skipped so they booked the next flight. They use us 100% - our time, our energy, our money, our emotions. They don't do this to his brother or his wife. Only to him and me. The feeling of being exploited and used is not nice at all. And when your chronically feel this way, it is not good for one's self. My husband tells me whatever he can but because we have fights on behalf of his parents, he is also reserved in how much he wants to share.

    (3). My sister-in-law (my husband's brother's wife) has left for India knowing they are visiting. At least, I did not do that. She basically does not want any responsibility. Every time there is a need, it is only my husband who steps to the plate and I in turn make the necessary adjustments. His brother and his wife take no responsibility and his parents also dont bother them, only us.

    (4). My sister-in-law is very bold - she has a strong dad who fights for her at every turn and a supportive brother. I have neither. She has tonnes of relatives, friends and is very bold in fighting. I am the softer, milder, meeker person with zero support system - family and friends alike. They know that and take full advantage of this fact. Before me they are all praise of my sister-in-law - they would'nt dare pull off something like this at her place - only i am for this special treatment. At some point i will snap. I am not getting any younger day by day and I have my own worries and pressures.

    (5). I genuinely believe that some people have to be taught right and wrong and learn and change and grow - even if they are older to us - even if they are our parents or in-laws. Being children is not signing up for a lifetime of submission and abuse. Right is right and wrong is wrong no matter who does it in what circumstances.

    (6). Negative toxic people destroy families, marriages, careers and it is not about ignoring or expectations. I have been reading extensively on self-help material and everywhere they say the same thing to stay away from negative people and that presence of positive people is what uplifts and pushes one forward in life.

    (7). I tried going with the flow and ignored them for a long time which is when their bullying and abuse became higher. I am not a saint and have my own weaknesses and snapped when poked and prodded continuously.

    (8). I did for them what I did for my own parents and siblings and my brother/sister in law too. Nothing extra. Of course being senior citizens i took extra care for their health.

    (9). At every turn they bring up illnesses like one of them is going to die - and this kept me on my toes throughout because I dread one of them falling sick in a foreign country with no one to take care.

    (10). I was down with the flu one time and told my MIL if she can manage for a day or 2 and if she cant i will ask my husband to bring from outside because i did not want to go to the kitchen and handle vessels and food and make everyone at home sick. Her response was with an angry frown "Of all the vegetables you have in the fridge, i know to make only one". This is not normal human behavior and should not be let or accepted or ignored.

    (11). When I am cooking in a hurry to go to office she would go down and turn off the gas leaving everything half-cooked so I have to start again and get late. I told her many times not to do that but she would deliberately do this. Or she will sit with her back to me and not answer when talked to like a normal person.

    (12). She would offer every day to help with cooking - when i accept her help, she would cook all dishes that my husband can't eat due to severe food allergies. So i would end up cooking again.

    (13). On occasion, I would come home exhausted from work and leave my lunch box in the sink. She would wash a sink full of vessels but leave my box for me to wash the next day. I understand the tradition etc etc but such crude blatant behavior is hard to overlook.

    (14). The last time i was in india i stayed several days at their place and it was the oddest trip i have ever had where not a word was spoken but from the time i woke up i would be instructed on what to make for breakfast, when done i would be instructed what to make for lunch, what for dinner, and as i was retiring for the night what to make next morning.

    (15). I still say I was looking for something very normal - extremely normal. the most basic human level communication. Not like weeks and months together just in 100% silence but at my slightest slip terrorize me with using their trump card about someone so sick they are going to die. It would send me back spinning on the wheel like a hamster totally fear driven.

    I would be more relaxed if this was India. In a foreign country, I felt 100 times more pressure if someone would fall sick if I don't do what I am asked to do. This is the democles sword they hold on my head each time. They spread meds and medical equipment all over the house and talk constantly about how sick they are so i end up feeling scared and guilty for slacking off in not cooking something or feeding them 1-day old food.

    Even now, although i talk of a 10-day disconnect, i don't know if i will be able to do it. That same fear someone will fall sick because I did not take proper care.

    I agree I should not have planned any outings and just taken it from one week to the next.

    As for keeping house clean, I do that anyways for everyone.

    As for cooking variety, it just happened that i did not repeat a dish. i did not intentionally plan. i can make the same eggplant in variety of ways or different types of daal or sambhar. It was hurtful when they never said anything about even 1 dish but i heard them praise my co sister-in-laws dishes to the skies. It is not correct. If I dont stop them or confront them, it will continue for eternity. At some point i want them to know that without any support system, I can also stand up for myself and am not a pushover.

    And the last straw was they said everything their son did for them, i did absolutely nothing.
     
    Last edited: Oct 21, 2018
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  3. lukywife

    lukywife Gold IL'ite

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    Does your husband compliment you infront of inlaws. Best way to switch off bullies is other persons in the room including you and complimenting you. When they call your husband and invite him alone to India, he should ask why they aren’t inviting you (his beloved wife). Best way to deal with passive aggressive behaviour is be honest and talk straight. You are trying to please them dear, believe me you will lose your authenticity. Forgive them for the past, they will deal with the karma. Just start fresh. Don’t accept ********. Tell calmly you won’t like these silent treatments. Be like Indian son in laws. Don’t interact too much. Just ask your husband to cook and serve his parents. It’s his responsibility. Just go for walk and take care of yourself.

     
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  4. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    You are 100% true.

    You have indeed done lots for your PILs.
    If they don’t recognise then it’s their fault. Not yours! If your DH is supportive then that should be more than enough.

    Why should you behave like a stranger in your own house. Don’t talk to them. Respond only if they talk else don’t.
    Do what you feel like.Cook minimal items, if you are really tired get food from outside or take husbands help.

    Some ppl won’t realise immediately what all we do. But definitely time will come when they realise your importance. They may not reveal now due to various reasons. But when they get very old I’m sure they will realise your importance.
     
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  5. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear,

    The change has to come from you, and definitely not from them.
    Your confronting, silent treatment, ignorance etc..etc.. will not change them to a loving PILs.
    It is just like how they chose to be silent despite of your hard work, passion and love for them.
    Dont expect any changes in their approach towards you. But learn to accept that your PILs don't like you; hence discriminate your family to your BIL's family.

    This is the point. This is what make a woman confident, strong and a fighter.
    I understand the reason behind your lack of self confidence which lead you to overdo everything for almost everyone to get at least some love, some attention since you lack that from your very own FOO.
    As you take extra efforts beyond your capacity to please others, often they take it for granted. That's very natural.

    It's like, we wasted tap water carelessly when it was available all the time back then. Now we are careful with the tap water, as it is expensive and not available all the time (water cut, drought etc...)


    See, giving a 5 star treatment with such extra care is not very normal if the guests are family members.
    In addition, you made extra steps by organizing trips, making memories with pics, dressing, and cooking special dishes every time while you handle a professional life outside. Be it your parents, siblings or PILs, this is just too much.
    I understand the reason behind your efforts. It seems you were yearning for their acceptance, validation and love; and for that you are even ready to take extra steps all the time. But that's not necessary dear.
    People should love you for who you are, and not for what you do for them.

    Why?
    Are they your kids?
    Why are you worried this much about their health issues, when their own children and other DIL/SNIL is not that much bothered?

    So what... You should have responded in the same tone, "yes ma... make the one you know for now, and let your son buy the rest as you want. Because I can't cook".

    Ok. Let her cook whatever, and let her son handle this issue. It should be a mom Vs son problem.
    Why bother? Why being a guard to your own H against his own mom?
    As a mom, she can't keep on cooking something her own son can not eat forever, right. So, she should obviously change or cook something diff for her son. Whatever, let her handle it during the times she takes over the kitchen.
    Let your H know what his mom does, and let him also to face half of this battle.

    if I were you, I would leave the kitchen as it is, and ask her to cook the remaining as I am getting late for work.
    It is not me who delayed cooking, but it is her who interfered.
    If she says yes, good for you. If she says NO, get something to eat from the canteen and ask your H to manage outside by describing the issue casually without making it an issue. Dont bother about PILs, as they have half cooked food in the kitchen anyway. It is not a rocket science to heat them up to cook for further few mins.

    See... you need to change. You need to be bold to give it back then and there without keeping this much of grudge and hatred which can eventually spoil your own health and marital happiness.
     
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  6. mangaii

    mangaii Finest Post Winner

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    I apologize for my earlier reply . I didn’t know your history with you in laws . Looks like they have bullied you all along . Hopefully you find a viable solution to handle them .
     
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  7. aamrapali

    aamrapali Gold IL'ite

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    In the "Me Too" movement we are in right now, I think we should also look at assault and exploitation in more than one form. Mental, psychological, verbal, emotional, etc.

    This whole episode with my in-laws brings to my mind only one thing. Many, many years back my sister liked a guy. I had my own reservations. When she decided to marry him, she called me one day and said this: "Both of you do not have to like each other or do anything extra. But being your soon-to-be BIL, there will be times in life where both of you will have to come together and be under the same roof. During those times, I sincerely request you to be decent, respectful and civil and same goes for him too".

    It is so, so true. That is ALL I am asking. People cannot just come in to my house, my room, my kitchen and behave however they want and think they can get away with it. It is not happening anymore.

    I may be the first person to stand up and fight, but I doubt very much if I will be the last. There is a whole new generation ahead in our family - grandkids, nieces nephews who have seen a different world and tomorrow every single one of them will stand up and ask "Why" and challenge such behavior.

    Irrespective of who each one of us is - their background, culture, upbringing - my background, culture, up bringing, irrespective of our individual hidden fears and insecurities, irrespective of our open weaknesses and vulnerabilities, there is a line you do not cross. These days, you cannot get away with such behavior even with a maid, she will throw the mop on your face and storm out.

    Every one of us is different but every one of us deserves minimal basic courtesy and respect. Not everyone is made the same way to be strong or fight or confident. But just because someone may not have a dad or brother or uncle or money or education or looks or confidence or be vulnerable in other ways - it does not give anyone the free reign to abuse and exploit.

    The responsibility to be civil lies with the wrongdoer. The wronged may or may not have the ability to fight back. In a practical world, there are laws or HR or police to protect. In a family, a parent or husband can only do so much. The wronged may be able to do so much too. So the spotlight must always be on the wrongdoer. And they must be confronted and asked to account for their behavior and lack of civility. My husband has tried a LOT. I have tried a LOT. They refuse to budge and are adamant in their ways.

    When change is not possible, unfortunately the only way out is the exit door. In most cases the exit door is a divorce. In my case, it is my way of withdrawing myself and removing myself from the situation. For fighting without getting anywhere is only a waste of time, energy, emotions, and health for me and for my husband too. It is consuming us, leading to no viable solutions, making both of us sick, affecting our married life to a GREAT EXTENT so much so talk of separation or a split has come up multiple times because of his parents. Sometimes I feel they know this and are working on causing this although don't know what possible good anyone will derive from it.
     
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  8. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    How does your husband react when your in-laws treat you like this?
     
  9. aamrapali

    aamrapali Gold IL'ite

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    For his nature, I think he has given it the best shot. For my nature, I think he could do much better.

    He has now changed their ticket so instead of 10 days they will be with us only 5 days.
     
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  10. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    I was going to say that things might have been different if your husband had strongly stood up for you right from the start, but such things are hard to actually put into practice. At least he is not ganging up with them against you, which I have seen happen more often than I care.
    It's a pity your in-laws have chosen to behave as they do. Think of it as also their loss. They have allowed ego and negativity to get in the way of building positive relationships and expanding their family sphere.
     
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