In-laws Visit - A Disaster

Expectations kills happiness and lead to disappointment. Dont worry too much about their reactions or lack of it. I am sure all your efforts will be appreciated well by your dh and it will reflect in your life.

If you behave in the end as if in sabbatical or silent mode all efforts so far will be wasted at the end . So try to behave normal, do minimum things and let them have a comfortable stay before going back. Ofcourse you can involve your dh more. I am sure even if they dont appreciate your efforts directly to you, they will never be able to complain to your dh because your dh now knows how much effort you have taken to make them happy in your home. Be positive and satisfied how much you were capable of doing to treat your guests. Once you gave up expeditions and do service unconditionally, you will be able to be happy even in small things.

Consider it as a project, with good objectives , that didn't give expected outcome. But the experience is so valuable that in future you can plan better projects or use it in another one. So cheer up and be happy

 

Many in-laws behave the same as your inlaws. No surprise.

Not only inlaws even in many family's even husband/children will not give acknowledgment/praise. If the wife/mother is a good cook would the husband/kid acknowledge praise every day each dish individually? Eating super tasty food would become common for them. Within family, acknowledgment/praise should be understood by body language. I can guess the taste of the food from the quantity my husband/kid eats how tasty the dish is and how much they liked it. That is the acknowledgment/praise for me. They do not have to express it verbally. No one can resist consuming a little more than normal of an extremely tasty dish. If someone can resist it is not up to their taste.

There are families that think everything should be taken neutral, not getting excited/acknowledge/praise about small things. But still, when they see a new/different/unexpected things their first facial expression should tell you a volume. It is not uncommon to not to hear acknowledgment especially it does not happen with many inlaws.

If a jealous friend visits home she will not praise/acknowledge but her jealous would grow folds and that is the acknowledgment.

You have been married for many years that you should be able to guess what would be your inlaws response for keeping the home neat to cooking various dishes. Try to keep the work a minimum that you don't get disappointed even if they don't acknowledge.

 

Dear Aamrapali,

Let me put my thoughts here. I have been in the exact same situation before and I can totally understand what you are going through. I'm with you on everything point you mentioned. I did the following and it totally helped me.
1) don't do anything extraordinary "to impress" them. Because it's human tendency to expect something in return when you do something extra. Especially when you are working and when you are trying to do so much managing your work.
2)be normal. Don't make much alterations in your daily routine when they are around. On a normal day u would cook for u n hubby right. Ask them as you are cooking if you should make something for them. If they tell yes then put that extra effort. Sometimes when you are not in a mood to cook it's totally fine. It's not that when you don't cook they can't cook for themselves. They can do it.
3) let it come from them. If they want to go to temple let them ask you. Then depending on your convenience tell them yes or no and take them.
4) lastly my advice don't practice that vipasana thing . Don't take me wrong. It will not help you in this situation. Instead when you practice normalcy it will help you.

Regards,
Anusha

 

Your in-laws have figured out what ticks you off and are using it to their advantage. Let go of the relationship you have longed for and accept the one that is your reality. If they have not warmed up to you in all these years then a few months of good cooking and attending to their needs is not going to change anything. Mourn this as a loss and move on. As others have said, keep your expectations low and you will not be disappointed.
From here on, just do the basic minimum required by decency and let your husband handle the rest. Your in-laws are not interested in having fun with your or bonding or building memories as you have envisioned and you need to accept that. Their interest is in their son. Frankly, given how they have behaved in the past with you you should not have prodded the sleeping bear by inviting them to visit you.
Do what you need to save your sanity for the remainder of the visit but keep what everyone else has said in mind for the future.

 

I don't understand how one can expect even an acknowledgement, after having so much bad experience from them in the past. All we can control is our own actions or reactions. We can't demand how other people should react to our services. Going on in a normal mode, with your Dh taking the lead, will be the easiest way to handle their next visit before they return to India. We cannot change the past. Your good intentions and efforts will be rewarded in some other ways. Consider whatever happened as a learning experience and dont allow it to spoil your present happiness

 

I think that either you like doing too much or nothing. Stay cool. 10 more days. Be normal and they'll be gone. Don't expect anything.

 

If it were me, i wouldn't take a 180 degree turn and let them know that their behaviour affects me.

I would treat them like an uninvited house guest. Do minimal cooking. If they don't eat, then cook only for yourself. Let them cook for themelves or else ask husband to get food from outside.
If prodded on why you are behaving this way, dont start a full on confession on how they have hurt you. Just be nonchalant and say about being busy elsewhere. Don't do anything you don't want to do. Be polite but aloof.

 

Hi

Treat them as formal guests.. So put your possible effort and don't strain yourself. You have done things for long time and finally these 10 days may make you feel guilty later.. Just do your duties coz they brought a good husband to you.

 

Honestly you are being an extreme person in everything you did, and do.
This will not work, rather this will only leave you with some heartache down the line.

First of all, you must develop self confidence.
You are a wonderful woman. That's why your H fell in love with you, despite of his family's dismissal.
You being wonderful wife is the only reason that your H is by your side regardless of his own parents's very visible and subtle abuse against you (treating you as an outside itself a huge emotional abuse by the way).

So, stop feeling inferior about yourself. Don't beg for their acceptance by being extra nice.
Just be yourself, stay confident about your own self, and let them chose what they want with you.

Sometimes we like people for no reason, at the same time we dislike some people for no reason too.

For ex: When I was unmarried, there was a guy who was extra nice to me. He did everything possible to make me fall for him, and to be honest there was nothing to reject him either. But I did not feel any kind of love or attraction for that guy despite of his effort. I didn't even recognize him or his effort at that time.
On the other hand, my H was a very proud guy. He didn't even notice my existence for a while despite of working in the same office.
I don't remember my H has done anything flimsy like giving flowers, giving surprises, sending poetic letters/SMS etc to impress me. But he just tried to be himself which attracted me the most.

This was just an example only... Like wise, your PILs don't like you for whatever the reason. By being extra nice at the cost of going bankrupt will not change their mind from within. Perhaps, they might say thanks or utter a simple smile at the end. But that's not worth your effort.
You don't really have to suffer this extend to make someone like you. If they like you, they will like you no matter what. Even if your home is a messy place, or your foods are tasteless, there will still be people to like you for who you are. So, stop overdoing anything for anyone.

Build self confidence, that even if someone dislike you, it is not your fault. My PILs don't like me either. There are women, whose spouses don't like them too. So what? It is not their fault.

If I were you, and if my PILs are nice with me, I would host them how exactly I would host my own parents.
It means, I would be myself... Like celebrate their stay one day, and take it easy the other day, and make them cook for me one day and let everyone eat out in another day... Just like, I would live with them.
I won't act like a 5 star hotel chef or room boy/cleaner to ensure the guests (parents or in laws) get the maximum of the stay, so that they will come again.
See, in the hotels, it is a business. They don't want their guests to end up in another hotel the next time.
But relationships are different.
If they like you, no matter what you do.... they will come back to you.

Now that, your retreat plan sounds hilarious. At the same time I am not sure how come it is even possible in your home with others.
Specially mouna virat?
Do you have kids? would they let you stay mum for 1 week?
Can you eat just one meal a day and stay happy?
Looks so extreme to me like what lord Buddha did for enlightenment.,..

But for me, you don't have to do all this to attain enlightenment dear...
You can still be home, be casual, and attain enlightenment in life. It just has to start within you.

Just be yourself.... Cook if you can cook, and whatever is easiest/preferable for you to cook. Don'r follow rules like no item will be repeated in 6-8 weeks or so. That's too extreme.
Sometimes, I make dal 3-4 days and chicken daily too. It depends on what and how convenient I am as a working woman to cook and eat.
If my family loves me, they should understand this and accept me (and my cooking) as it is.
But I also cook elaborate meals on special days like holidays, Sundays and bake several items to surprise everyone with love. And that would be celebrated too.
Don't try to please others at the cost of losing your own time and energy. If you do so, unconsciously your mind will expect some appreciation for the hard work - which is normal. But when such appreciation never happens, and when you learn that your folks have taken you for granted, and that's when you explode. I see that is happening with you now.

Just be yourself at your own home. Offer what is possible, and don't expect anything in return.
You will be fine very soon