No Indian Relatiinships

CoolPie · Sep 2, 2018

Dear ILs,
I come up here with a new thread on behalf of my friend who was indeed very happy a few years ago. Recently I came in touch with her after two decades she is worried for a few reasons.
My friend is married for the past 20 yrs and settled abroad since then. She is a single child to her parents and her parents passed away a few years after her marriage. She has two kids and husband to call her own. Except that she says she has none other relationships except for very few say 1 or 2 friends. And she says her friendships in her place doesn't even last long and has misunderstandings with them too.
Her parents side relationships have totally turned sour decades back when her parents were living and now they don't even consider her to exist. Also husband's side relationships are very few and they also treat her with contempt and she doesn't have the mind to travel to India because if this. Else she loves India and wants to be here in the home country.
While talking, she was much worried as she has none in her home country as almost all relationships have turned sour and treat them like alien elements. So she hasn't travelled to India since more than a decade.
She says kids have none in India nor in the place she is living. So she has to settle her kids abroad in the same country where she lives and they don't have anyone to travel to any place.
I do not know how to console her. I just asked her to visit me. Though she felt good about it she is more worried that kids will have none in India in the future. Also she has none except very few friends to call for even a function there. She has tried many times to contact her relatives in India but some do not even answer her calls while some others avoid saying they have work and so on.So she has literally stopped calling anyone here for a decade.
She thought of coming back to India years back but changed her mind and she says she 'll stay there forever.
I know many kids don't have to do anything in India and also a few of them will be having no Indian contacts too, but I don't know how to console her. Is anyone sailing in the same boat as her ? Pls pour in your suggestions as to what I should tell her.
Thanks in advance.

shravs3 · Sep 2, 2018

CoolPie said: ↑

She says kids have none in India nor in the place she is living
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Why to depend on relatives to visit India. Just book a hotel and explore on own

SinghManisha · Sep 2, 2018

Coolpie , I do not mean to sound rude. But it seems like your friend has been having issues maintaining healthy relationships with family and friends. This is something that she needs to evaluate before going on the path of self pity. I also have to agree with @shravs3 , she is free to visit India without waiting for any relative to invite her.

Amulet · Sep 2, 2018

I think everybody knows some long forin gone settled people in relatives and friends circle. They have their own busy lifes, their children have different summer holiday times -- so they can only visit during those holidays, or for weddings and funerals. For people who have no brothers/sisters, then the chances of family functions are not many.
@CoolPie did not mention the country where friend is settled; but no matter where, the children who grow up there, would naturally belong there. They would have made friends in school and college. Lots of indian people have gone and settled in many different countries, and they all don't want to visit India. There are indians in Africa, UK, West Indies, and America. Doing just fine, and even holding big big jobs. Like the Irish prime minister.

CoolPie · Sep 2, 2018

Dear singhmanisha,
I too thought the same as what you told.may be she didn't maintain healthy relationships. But she says however good she spoke and however nice she was the relationships in India never bother to even consider her. And that's why she doesn't want to come here.
She says she 'll come only for spiritual reasons like visiting temples or like visiting some famous places of heritage like a foreigner. She is sad that if her parents existed she would have had someone in her homeland to turn to.
I could only ask her to visit me. She is fine with that but she is more worried that her folks don't treat her like their own.
She is worried that she has none to invite for her son or daughter's wedding in the near future.
She can visit India anytime as you said by staying in a hotel but she needs some warm relationships. I only told her to forget about these things and live the present as I couldn't think of any other advice for her.

ChennaiExpress · Sep 2, 2018

CoolPie said: ↑

Else she loves India and wants to be here in the home country.
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Sounds similar to me.

I had hope when was going to India getting married, but people dropped off when the marriage shattered.

I get dreams happily flying a plane to visit India (last night I dreamt there was all-you-can eat buffet on the plane).

It's just when I wake up, and I imagine all the sour interactions with greedy relatives that would take place.

Yep, people who have no one in India have to
1. Make their own friends where they are
2. Go to India themselves and enjoy

Your friend is fortunate. At least she has Husband (I'm guessing he's not abusive, etc) and two children. She already has couple of people to call her own.

ashneys · Sep 2, 2018

Feels like there’s definitely more to this than what she’s saying. How can the relationship turn sour with “everyone” ? Can understand if it’s this person or that person but everyone ? It’s not normal.

Since you have mentioned that this had happened while her parents were still alive, then there must have been some really bad blood there. Maybe your friend doesn’t know or hasn’t shared the whole story. This seems very hard to fix, n she has tried in the past.

Her parents side relationships might be beyond her control to fix, but what about her hubby’s side relationships ? Usual in laws drama n got sour ? Are his parents n siblings alive ? If there’s still a way to fix it, it might be the last resort. If this is a no too, then the “relatives” part gets tough.

The more worrying point I see here is her struggle in making a quality social circle where she lives. Since she has no one in india, her focus should be to make a good circle in her current location but you had mentioned that she’s struggling with that part too.

What about her neighbours, office friends, friend’s friends, husbands colleagues family, husbands friends, kids classmates parents, kids friends family, yoga class friends, local library friends, etc etc.. your friend has been living there for 1-3 decades, that’s a long time.. where are all those people ?

CoolPie · Sep 2, 2018

Dear ashneys,
My friend is normally a sweet girl and was happy and cheerful years back in India as far as I have known. I don't know if she is hiding anything from me.
But as far as I have seen her she is a normal woman who speaks well and is full of life. In fact she was surrounded by friends at school and was liked by all
Her husband is also a single child of his parents. His dad brought him up but his mom died when he was in college. She had some disease and was on bed constantly through out her married life.
He tried convincing his dad to come to his place but his dad never agreed. Anyway he too died two years back and that's why my friend has none in India though she longs for Indian connections.
I have told her slightly there may be many people who would have lost Indian connection totally and still living abroad alone may be since generations too, but I couldn't stress on that point. Also I don't know anyone to cite examples too.

dnormx01 · Sep 2, 2018

I guess it’s more about no respecting relationships than no Indian ones. People nowadays are so busy in life that we hardly get time for others. That aside, she has to decide between let going the differences and maintaining a hi bye relation or not getting in touch with her relatives at all. The hi bye is good enough to invite for future and may even give her a change of heart about a few.
She’s not looking for anyone in India, looking for someone from her blood to call family.
For the firsts she could add a few whom she finds reasonable and lesser trouble on Facebook or insta and maintain cordial communication. Later she can see how it goes

Rihana · Sep 2, 2018

CoolPie said: ↑

... but I don't know how to console her. Is anyone sailing in the same boat as her ? Pls pour in your suggestions as to what I should tell her.
Click to expand...

There's two parts to the issue her. One is her lack of relationships or friends. The second is how you can respond to her on an ongoing basis.

It is common for people settled abroad to lose touch with India as parents pass away. If no siblings, the link is lost earlier unless very close to any cousins or aunts and uncles. As one member suggested, she can try initiating hi-bye contact through FB, whatsapp, whatever, and leave it at that. The peace with what is has to come from inside and from a gratitude for what is going right in life. Seeing others in similar situation won't really help.

"Also she has none except very few friends to call for even a function there"
ashneys has a good question about why no friends where she is living. Anyway, sometimes it happens. Friends move away, friendships end, or people have their own circles and not keen to add new people, or simply wavelengths not matching. A relatively easy way to develop new friendships is to be part of a non-profit. Usually, the founders and most active members are a very passionate group. Start showing up regularly, put in hours, take on small responsibilities. Don't show too much desperation to form friends. For some reason that turns off people. Let time take its time. For a person like her, an Indian non-profit would suit better. If none exists in her city and her city has some Indian population, she can start a local chapter.

Relationships and friends are somewhat like jobs. It takes getting one job to change from unemployed to employed. It takes 1-3 meaningful relationships for the emptiness to reduce. Now, she shouldn't look for everything in each relationship.

How can you help her? By understanding that she might never really do much to address her woes. She wants to have some relatives in India who care a bit about her, she wants to have enough relatives or close friends to invite to weddings. That's not going to happen. So, be there to listen to her, offer a few ideas, but also have other topics to talk about and skillfully change topic.

I used to see families where I live who had grandparents visiting for months. They had siblings in the area or in the country. For their kids' graduations, there used to be so many in the audience. For mine, just us and we had to pick between clap and whistle or record video. : ) Once I overhead my kids and three other kids talking. They were trying to tell what they call grandmother, grandfather in their languages. The paternal and maternal terminology. Their mistakes were hilarious and sad at the same time. It struck me afresh how deprived they were of the relationship with grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins that not even sure of what to call them. Felt like your friend for a day or two, and then a bigger joy or problem came along. : )