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Am I a greedy daughter in law?...pls be kind- i am still learning...

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by desiinlondon, May 31, 2013.

  1. polymorphic

    polymorphic Platinum IL'ite

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    Frankly, since you have paid so much for his parents, i am not sure whether they are in a position to demand that the marriage responsibilities be taken by u and DH. Why? frankly, any self-respecting parents would feel a prick or guilty that they have out enough burden on their son and DIL with their own debts.

    First thing to check is if your SIL also send a huge part of her savings to her parents(ur PILS). In your IL, lots of money transactions are happening without the other person knowing. So, if your SIL is sending her salary to ur inlaws, then she may not have enough saved up for the marriage. In that case, it is time to gather up family and decide clearly on where all the money is going and plan for the coming expenses. Your future expenses would also depend on how happily married your SIL is. If she is happily married to a good person things will be brighter for you otherwise expenses are yet to come.
     
  2. whyamisounlucky

    whyamisounlucky New IL'ite

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    Here goes my 2 cents .

    The 30 lakhs loan can be even loan taken for your hubby for educational expenses , flat they bought etc . You are not sure what happened to your 40 lakhs but it could be that they have invested something which you may not aware of .

    It may be tough for your SIL to manage mariage expenses even if she is in USA .
    Not everyone earns well here .

    Wont our parents always try to help us when we need money . Why do we behave this way ? Do think of his parents financial position too .
     
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  3. greenbow

    greenbow Gold IL'ite

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    If your SIL is a decent person, talk to her and discuss the plans. If she is a greedy goat like my SIL, I would not take the responsibility of an ungrateful person's marriage.

    Personally, i feel marriages should be sponsored by parents, not the bride or groom or the siblings. What were the parents doing for 25-30 career years if not saving money for education/marriage? So the son/daughter who has a career span of 4-6yrs should pile up money for sisters/own marriage, when the parents did not do that over a period of 30+ career years??

    Hard to accept, but parents and siblings can be as greedy as any outsider. I dont mind spending money out of love, but not out of demand or because parents did not do their duty and now dumping the burden on their children who are half their age.
     
    Last edited: Jun 1, 2013
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  4. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    I shall leave it others to point out the greed of ur PIL..
    U asked for an opinion about urs so here goes...
    If u can... try to contribute/take care of ur PIL/wedding without expectation of return(in ur case inheritance)

    Its hard but that would help a lot in the long run. Your current expectation of inheriting one of the two flats + land will lead to difficult arguments with ur spouse and affect ur marriage.
    Dont tell ur DH or ur PIL what they should or should not be doing.. ..who should/could manage the finances of ur SILs/any girls marriage . It is technically out of ur scope. Same goes with whether one should live under 15,000 rs or 50,000 a month.
    What is within your scope is to make a budget and plan ur finances.
    If u can send about $100k in the last 4 yrs u must be earning reasonably well. Put aside some money for savings after ur living expenses. Then give ur DH some latitude for spending on his sisters wedding/parents.
     
  5. cuties

    cuties Bronze IL'ite

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    Ladies, I am curious to know if brother paying for sister's wedding is a south Indian thing? I am from North and I have never heard of such a thing or maybe its not there in my town. Honestly I have seen either parents paying for the wedding or the bride and groom paying for their wedding but never seen brothers paying for sister's wedding.
     
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  6. abla

    abla Gold IL'ite

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    Cuties. ..I think it is more like an Inlaw thing...not just a South Indian thing .
     
  7. aamrapali

    aamrapali Gold IL'ite

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    If you consider yourself greedy, then my response must be a 100 times more greedy :)

    Jokes apart, if you are also earning a decent salary, please save it for yourself. A woman's job is not like a man's job. Men tend to work longer years, mostly till retirement. It is rarely the same for women. We don't work as long as men and retire early for various reasons - children, age, health, fatigue, and in general do not adopt the provider role but eventually settle into a more family role. So every year you do a job and earn a paycheck, those are the golden years of your life, make the best of it, spend wisely for yourself and others, and please do not spend on anyone but yourself, at the most your near and dear ones, that too if they are truly in need and dependent. Life and times are getting tougher, cost of living is on the rise, job market and employment is on the decline, future is uncertain, health is uncertain, healthcare is expensive - save your hard-earned money for a rainy day. Let the man of the house who will work till retirement take care of the financial responsibility. your money is your money for your future for your security, should (god forbid) something happen to your husband or your parents and siblings, this money you earn today will come in handy for you to live a respectable self-sufficient independent life. Save it for a rainy day.

    Aamrapali
     
  8. tulipzz

    tulipzz Platinum IL'ite

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    They are able to sponge money because you have loads of free cash lying in your bank accounts! This happened to me. My husband would say "we have 10k, what's the prob if I give 3k? We still have 7k right? "

    It took my years to read read read this forum and smarten up.

    1. Slowly agree on this system - all your earnings are savings and his earnings will be used to run the house.
    2. LOCK up your savings. Open FDs and say they are for medical emergencies.
    3. Whatever money is left in your husbands account, ask him to put it in an ISA. Say tax saving.

    So, you have slowly make your husband feel "poor" not rich - in terms of spare cash lying around.

    Did you tell inlaws how much you both earn? For eg : If you told them you make 100k together, they will estimate you make a crore each year. No taxes, living expenses taken into consideration. They will try to sponge accordingly and will have no guilt in asking 40 lakhs.

    Whn you call, talk about taxes. Talk about increased rents and bills. Talk about the 20k rupees you both get to save every month. Talk about how unstable and low paying your job is. Talk about how expensive London commute is! You get my point?

    When you get to a point where your husband /inlaws are eyeing savings, buy a house.

    You said your fil is a nice person. So may be like many Indian parents, think you have a money tree. Give them a touch of reality.

    My agreement with my husband : If I am working to spend on someone else's luxuries, I might as well stay at home and look after children. Why should my children go to day care etc ?

    Greed is eyeing someone else's money. It's your money YOUR money. You both work hard for it. If someone told u you are being greedy, ask them to FO.

    Inlaws property is their hard earned money. Don't talk about it.
     
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  9. happydheivanai

    happydheivanai Silver IL'ite

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    Hi,

    What u r thinking is not wrong..but you should not tell to mil directly that land belongs to dh and the should not sell.They purchased it right...

    Y u gave 40 lakh to fil without telling to mil and sil..because its a big money ...

    Regarding sister marriage let parents do the expenses u give 2 lakh gift that is the best idea.

    U r well settled now..dont spoil ur inlaws relationship because of money...because it will spoil ur relationship with dh as well...15000 is not a big amount when v r living in abroad....
     
  10. sgandiva

    sgandiva Senior IL'ite

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    Let me ask you, if you are a sister and you have a loving brother who is well educated and settled, how do you feel when your SIL thinks the same? And what's wrong if a brother wants to spend for the sake of his sister's marriage? How can you ask your DH to spend an exact amount for his sister's marriage? Please note that girls like us are new addition to husband's family..we need to understand them and let's make sure their bonding remains same. I was like you or atleast had similar thoughts first few years after my marriage but now I have changed a lot, started to understand my husband and his family and in return they love and respect me a lot :)
     
    DXBDesi likes this.

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