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Moving To New Apt Community (us) - Do's And Don'ts

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by Vedhavalli, Jul 4, 2018.

  1. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi,
    I'm moving to New apartment community (US)
    In the present one, I have had so many lessons and wounds with Desi neighbors. I don't want to repeat further in new place.
    I have made few must stick to rules '
    1) Help only when seeked.
    2) Avoid carpooling with others kids and unless real emergency don't vouch to watch other's kids.
    3) No unannounced visits, at home to chit chat. Meetups only in common areas not in anyone's home. (Applies to me as well)
    4) play dates only on play area and community Hall. If home during winters, must be in rotation.
    5) Avoid self from the Desi ladies WhatsApp group. (Lol).
    6) Food sharing only on Diwali/festives by potluck alone.
    I have had big regrets by believing neighbors as friends.
    How to avoid an inquisitive person from peeping our life?
    What else, I can stick to avoid myself from getting hurt.
    I'm eagerly waiting for your inputs.
     
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  2. jskls

    jskls IL Hall of Fame

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    I have observed that making friends for one’s own self works better than becoming friends with parents of our kids friends... My friend is first friends with me and if our kids mingle well then fine if not we are still friends. This gives me an opportunity to be friends with people older or younger to me and our kids may or may not be in the same age group. My friend can be someone other than Indian too.
     
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  3. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    I agree. This has worked well for me as well. Kids manage to make their own friends somehow, esp as they grow, so right now, it's like my kid has his own friends n I have mine. N he's friendly with my friends n their kids n am friendly with his friends n their parents. Key word being "friendly" n not friends. It avoids any confusions.

    They are good points. Very neutral.

    They can be, but jus like everything else, even this part needs some control. Being nice n overdoing help are two different things.

    When one overdoes (too helping), their expectation level will be different as well, n when that is crushed, they get disappointed n that in turn builds regret / hate / resentment.

    So being normal, not overdoing = reasonable expectations, so less chances of getting disappointed n even lower chances of regrets.

    You draw the line. Share only what you want.

    If something makes you uncomfortable, say it. "It's a sensitive topic for me" is something that gets used here n it makes people stop.

    I have seen people closing the door behind them if they don't want you to enter n they will talk to you standing in front of their house, I mean within the community. It's not seen as disrespectful here, if you 'ask', they may say house is messy or kid is sleeping, etc. This gives you control n shows people they can't just drop in anytime or that you can still talk without barging into their space.

    Community living / neighbors are tough only till you learn the way to deal with them. Once you do, it's gets easy n you may even have good fun.
     
  4. gknew

    gknew Gold IL'ite

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    @Vedhavalli Thanks a lot for starting up this thread..I always get many inputs and advice from your posts...I really appreciate this thread. The reason is, I am moving to a new apartment too(next week)..I am moving to Indian community and have never been in Indian community in US before.(been in US for last 2 years)
    I wanted to start a thread like this to get some inputs and I was thinking a lot to start a thread on this topic.. So, I have no inputs for you right now as I never faced anything here. But I face the same in the apartments in India. So, I set some rules to myself.
    1.Never visit anyone's house without informing them.
    2.Before starting a playdate, make sure it will be done in a rotation..
    3.I used to share food with my neighbors every weekend. Some may not do the same back. You can try reducing it if it cause incoveninconv to you.
    4.Never talk personal stuff with neighbours unless they change into friends. I mostly talk general topics.
    Following this thread for some more inputs from others.
     
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  5. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Platinum IL'ite

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    I'm happy that you found this thread is useful. Thank you for the inputs , points 1,2 I always adhred. 3) food sharing only on Diwali or during Pooja.. 4th is very important and must needed. Some inquisitive/nosy people ask personal information, have to learn to avoid them or change topic.
    More ideas are welcome...
    Honestly being assertive and setting boundaries saves us from emotional turmoil, in all relationships. Understanding in hardway .
     
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  6. gknew

    gknew Gold IL'ite

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    Yeah.. It's really difficult to change topics when people keep on asking personal stuff.. I sometimes try to change topics. If it doesn't work, I try to talk about the things which they wear, accessories or something like that.. we have to change topics abruptly..
    I really dont know how Indians behave here. I am very scared and worried about my move to Indian community. I feel like it's same as they are in India by seeing few posts here in IL. Only few don't interfere in other's lives.
    I wish I can have a neighbor like you.
     
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  7. wings2010

    wings2010 Senior IL'ite

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    Not only in USA. I am living in Bangalore. It exactly happened to me. What vedavalli pointed is 100% true. One lady arranges for party,get together etc. She was overpowering n faught with me. Now leaving me alone all ladies together doing somethings. No lady has gutts to question her or they r afraid to lose entertainment. if I am alone with my husband no worries. I have kiddu going primary who doesn't know good n bad . Seeking to playing n staying happy.but by seeing this post I felt good. Yes kids will make their friends. Vedavalli more advice pls
     
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  8. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Platinum IL'ite

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    Happens every where, some people are good, some are bossy proud type who spoil the entire crowd's mood.
    Some think being bossy is being leader.
    You learn music, any arts crafts. Show case talent. Let kids be kids, the innocence will vanish in no time, :pensive:.
    I'm also in learning curve with help of IL ladies and own bitter/burnt experiences.
    Welcome more ideas and how to handle such people.
     
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  9. NeerjaC

    NeerjaC Silver IL'ite

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    This is very good advice, I always struggle to become friends with the parents of my kid's friends, especially when it comes to arranging playdates and birthday parties etc. I've found they can be very flaky sometimes.
     
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  10. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Platinum IL'ite

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    Moved to new apt. So far good.
    Adding points
    # don't let neighbor park thier car in your spot, even if you have additional spot.
    One query - how people manage carpooling for kids school / activities.
    I see lot of trivial things going on.
     
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