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Inconsistent Behaviour

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by pinky2cute, Jul 16, 2018.

  1. pinky2cute

    pinky2cute Platinum IL'ite

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    Exactly ... you just spoke my mind YM! I fear that just because they will take care of me post surg, they and him may try to convince me to forget everything and live together which is not what I want!


    I feel the same. But feeling bad for my parents as well as myself when I have a husband who should actually be with me in sickness and health n yet he is not reliable!

    True that. If i stay with my parents, he will be angry and not come to see me. Even now he uses these dialogs all the time "you are married to me and you should live with me. If you want to be with your parents then I am not responsible for your care or finances!"
    I do feel bad for making myparents run after hospital for me n finance my bills etc but they are more worried about my health and they are ready to do anything for me. I would ofcourse pay them back everythingoncei start earning post recovery.

    You are bang on! This is what myproblem
    Is with him. He takes one step forward towards change n towards betterment ofour relation and then when the need arises to prove, he takes two steps backwards.

    Thanks YM. I thinn I would rather be with my parents and heal myself than be with them without mental peace and get trapped forever.
     
  2. pinky2cute

    pinky2cute Platinum IL'ite

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    Presently he is giving excuses that i would need bed rest so there is no point in shifting out ro a new house as he would be at office and I would be alone so who will takecare of me. So he is saying me to come stay with him n his parents n get surgery done and they will tkcr n he will tkcr after coming back home.
    I am not asking him to stay with me at myparents place fr long time. I just want him to be by my side at the time of surgery and till im discharged to home.


    Problem is thathe agrees to live separately but doesnt take any steps towards it. Now heis giving excuse that i cannot stay alone post surgery if we shift.

    I think you didnt understand my point. Yes its true that i cannot forget past nor forgive them for their cruel behaviour....but I'm trying to let go of hatred. But i iever want to separate my dh from his parents. Yes i want to live separately but i told him i would never stop him from doing his duties as a son towards his parents. No matter how wrong parents maybe ...i would never support to abandon them at old age!
    But i cannot have a normal relation with them after all they did esp when they are not even guilty!.

    I do not understand what immature am i behaving here? For not forgiving them?
    How do I forgive them when they do not even realise how much pain they causedme n how much they damaged the relation between men my dh?

    If this me being "immature" is related to the gift stuff thati mentioned thenlet me make it clear that I have taken it and told thanks. I did not say they are cheap etc etc to dh nor his parents. I had just vented that out here on forum!
     
  3. pinky2cute

    pinky2cute Platinum IL'ite

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    I can work fulltime but only after few months post surgery...probably by end of the year or early next yr.
    Yes i need parents support themost right now but wish he would understand and come down atleast be with me fr surgery. Guess that wont happen.
     
  4. Emarald

    Emarald Silver IL'ite

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    Ok

    U should stay with your parents while surgery. After recovery ask your husband if u both can rent place near his parents. So he can take care of his parents and you don't have to live with them. Only if he is ready to live in separate place u find job in his city or find where your parents live.
     
  5. fourthaugust

    fourthaugust Gold IL'ite

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    Op
    Just breath and relax. Forget about your husband , in laws and difficult times. Health is wealth. Get it back. Take rest and enjoy. Once your health is achieved , look for the jobs. You know you have a great future awaiting you. Achieve that. Get settled and then think about your husband.
    And I am sure once you have achieved your immediate goals , you will be in peace and these problems will not seem like problems to you at all. So please calm down and focus on one thing at a time. Stay with your parents.
    You don't have to dictate your husband to be with you at the time of your surgery. No loving husband would do that. Give him.some space. He will surely come for your surgery, though he might not want to stay with. Just let it be.
    See , you guys are just married. Marital bond takes a lot of time and hell lot of patience to grow deeper. The way you don't trust your husband, he doesn't trust you either. Its not easy for him to leave his parents if he never thought about staying separate before marriage. So give him some time and space to think. Stop posing conditions and get back on your feet. Till then don't think about this mess because this too shall pass.
     
  6. pinky2cute

    pinky2cute Platinum IL'ite

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    Yes thats what i have told him
     
  7. pinky2cute

    pinky2cute Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi,
    There is no reason fr him to not trust me. I was the one who supported him in his worst phase while he kept lieing to me about each and everything post marriage and being immature irresponsible. He did change a bit and loves me and cares for me...but it depends on the situation and his mood. Any small disturbance in the routine and he runs away from his responsibility as husband.
    If we have any arguement or disagreement...he would stop every communication, not care about my suffering or pain or my situation... Just leaves me hanging in the middle and runs away.

    While when things are all normal , he would go out of his way to care fr me.

    He is inconsistent and immature. While i maybe angry at him for million things and know the fault is his but i do not run away from the situations nor I would stop caring about him. I would instead sit and talk it out sort it out and find ways to reach a middle way out.

    Anyhow i decided i will get my surgery done and get back to my feet n then think of where to join for job and what to do about the husband!
     
    fourthaugust likes this.
  8. SunPa

    SunPa Platinum IL'ite

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    Op, As you are not on good terms with your ILs, and have undergone a personal tough time with the miscarriage, it is not the right time to stay at your ILs home for recovery from a major surgery. Stay with your parents, heal well , get strong - physically as well as emotionally. Till then dont be too mad at your DH , you have to further strengthen your marriage and then work on your DH for him to stand by you.

    Dont make ILs an issue, Finances can be sorted out later if your parents can afford it for now. Tell your DH , you need his emotional support, nicely . Let your DH come and visit if he can. Work on your bond.

    Ok, now for some Tough Love
    That is the definition of immaturity.
    When your actions are based on other's action , that is immaturity -isnt that what a child does?
    Mature act is when you act/reacts based on what you think is best for you and your loved ones, in a responsible way, giving some leeway to human behaviour /society.

    Patience is indeed a virtue. I have burnt my fingers enough with impatience, and learnt my lesson.

    How is that possible?
    You have a thorn poking your foot, you cannot walk till you remove the thorn,
    The longer the thorn is in, the deeper the wound will be.

    I am not saying forgiving or forgetting is easy, more often than not wounds from IL are very difficult to move past, but there is no other way. And that is why most of us carry that pain with us, because it is too hard to let go the pain.
     
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  9. pinky2cute

    pinky2cute Platinum IL'ite

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    @SunPa

    I react strongly I agree I need to be more patient. I used to be a lot more patient until i got married in this family where they shout at the top of their lungs always want their way out, are selfish, greedy never think of my feelings despite they having their own married daughter whose dh pampers her n tkcr of her ... inlaws used to try dominate me, dictate me and pressurize me n my parents ...when i decided its enough and put my foot down.

    Dh is not bad guy but totally brought up in wrong way where he is taught to just do as his parents say whether right or wrong. It took me 2yrs to change him n now he knows when to shut his parents up but sometimes he gives up n falls into their words and fight with me.

    After all that happened ...they still do not feel an ounce of guilt ...n suddenly behaving normally as if nothing happened.
    If i may sound immature to not forgive them....then so it be!
    I'm trying hard to not be rude to them after all that happened .i never stopped my dh to not care for gis parents....even now m telling him no matter where we live he can always be there fr his parents whenever they need be it financially or emotionally.
    But living with them under same roof will not happen. He has to take the step if if he wants me to be with him.

    It will take a long long time fr me to try to forget the oast and the pain which left deep scars inside my heart.
     

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