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Attraction In Marriage

Discussion in 'Intimacy' started by BhumiBabe, Jun 28, 2018.

  1. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    No...she mentioned that it's like the glue that helps us return to normal, after fights.

    He has improved from before, he was actually much worse when we married. My entire pregnancy was horrid and I fantasized about leaving him. Now he actually tries and is actively trying to fix the marriage. It's not really about him though... it's about me. I never miss him when I go on trips (to my family or friends). I didn't think it was weird because if how awful of relationship was, but now that he is nice, shouldn't I miss him and think of him? Shouldn't I want to spend my evenings with him?
     
  2. sindmani

    sindmani Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi, op. As you had little unhappy experiences before with ur husband , it will take time for u to develop higher level love , emotional attatchment with him though he has changed a lot for good. It takes time for transituon. Iam happy for u . Iam sure ur dh will keep u happy and u will start to like him more .
     
  3. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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  4. perfundo

    perfundo Silver IL'ite

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    This is one of the things that I think about these days, often.
    The parallels in my head that I have been able to sort of build in my head from seeing countless friends, colleagues, relatives around me,

    Attraction---> Infatuation ---over a period of time--> Normalizes --> No Attraction

    Love sort of follows the below trajectory, more or less,
    Liking --> caring --> affection --> Love

    Arranged Marriage -> Familiarity --> Friendship --> Liking --> Caring --> Affection --> Love

    Arranged Marriage-> Familiarity-->Disgust --> Divorce

    Arranged Marriage --> Acquaintance--> Familiarity --> Increased Physical Proximity --> Dependency --> Confusion/I Deserved better Feeling/I am Victim


    The last parallel I mentioned is the variety that is most penalizing on either party, emotionally, physically, financially. The ones that feel victimized in a relationship are mostly the ones at fault or the ones with unrealistic expectations in a relationship, in my history of knowing people. The ones that are truly abused in a relationship walk out of the marriage much quickly and have a better conviction when ending a relationship.

    I wish you find your peace soon.
     
  5. rachaputi

    rachaputi Platinum IL'ite

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    "He is nice, but I'm not missing him". As You said recently he is turning to you, it may take some more time to get special feeling..
     
    Last edited: Jun 28, 2018
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  6. Sangeeta85

    Sangeeta85 Gold IL'ite

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    Don’t feel guilty for what he did.. but now he is putting an effort so u do too ..if u don’t now then it is so wrong ..
    Forget the past and start like for the first time tell your husband too .. let’s redo
     
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  7. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    This is an interesting viewpoint, coming from the community, but not completely surprising. As Indian women, we are first taught to think with our heads and let the rest follow. Our pragmatism usually safeguards our well-being and place in society, our children's place in society. I am sure that we can even convince ourselves that we have chosen the correct path - like I had.

    But, we are also quite adept in selling ourselves short and settling for a life that is just almost good. There are so many ways that we are encouraged to accept our situation, as what's done is done. It's convenient and easy, I guess, even feels less selfish- but it's not. It's more selfish to take advantage of someone and make them think that you love them and can't live without them - just so that every other part in your life feels perfect.
     
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  8. Sangeeta85

    Sangeeta85 Gold IL'ite

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    True it is always easy to say forget and go ahead ... but don’t everyone deserve a second chance ..
    even if u want to leave him there is always possibility that u might meet someone very sweet but at the same time person might change ..
    there must be lot of bitter stuff but try to forget it it will just destroy ..
     
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  9. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    You had the best of both worlds. Allowed to date, in a place where dating is not a taboo. That didn't work out, you had an alternate of the tried and tested arranged marriage route. A ready made system with immense structure and help. It was a conscious choice. Own it. Don't dismiss it as "since it seemed like the thing to do."

    Quite par for the course of an arranged marriage. Or, even a love marriage. Initial years of marriage, even up to 5 or 7 years, can be rocky at times, till the household settles into an equilibrium.

    A good decision. Again, own it. You did it for yourself, or because you felt you should as a parent. Missing something is also fine. As the marriage grows older, spouses do find things missing or present in too much abundance.

    This is my very old fashioned opinion - once you have a child, some of the above (the mental, physical, emotional attraction) get bumped down in the priority list. More so, given that you were not an 18 year old in India forced into marriage and unplanned motherhood after grade 10 or 12.

    Happens. Need not feel guilty about the attraction. Any actions taken on feeling that attraction are a separate matter.

    It is common. You married without knowing to a reasonable extent what you want in a partner, and as it turns out you are not the kind to be content with "nothing really very wrong in him".

    This is my frank opinion -- you were plodding along and would have plodded along like so many other couples do. Now, you've felt attraction, and suddenly that plodding along seems undoable. So, begins the analysis. To place the blame in a suitable, convenient place.

    It was the "interesting viewpoint, coming from the community, but not completely surprising." that somehow got my goat, and made me reply to thread. There is something when a viewpoint is called "interesting" and "not surprising".

    As Indian women, most of us who post here, were fortunate to get an education, had the freedom to date or fall in love, had many choices growing up, and few restrictions. We had/have the ability to earn a living and think for ourselves. We have the flexibility of choosing our partner, or going the arranged marriage route. Parents are often very supportive.

    BB, it is not so complicated. Think it through, but don't over analyze. If divorce is not an option, then, stop analyzing what is missing in your marriage in so much depth. It is not wrong to feel attraction, or to end a marriage (even after child) in which the love, attraction, respect, bond, has lessened or was never there. Take whatever decision you want, now and later. But own the responsibility for past, current and future choices. Don't blame it on husband, society, and all.
     
  10. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    I'm not...I'm not blaming anyone. I posted this because I felt like it deserves some conversation. I say "interesting" because of how common the viewpoint on the forum, rather than hearing dynamically different viewpoints. It's not an easy to resolve issue, but I don't think I am alone in feeling this.
     
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