1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Nephew's Marriage Is In Trouble. Need Urgent Advice

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by hridhaya, Apr 24, 2018.

  1. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,174
    Likes Received:
    2,465
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    I would seriously suggest not to look at divorce right now, it's only been 6 months. I do see a pattern of misunderstanding for around 2-3 years atleast esp in arranged marriages n then they find their sync. So give it time n let them work it out, esp the couple, alone.

    Duplex is good, but she should have her own kitchen as well. I meant a self sufficient separate floor for her to do everything there on her own without having to see her in laws on a daily basis for every need. Let it be her space completely, n treat it like a separate house. A separate entry would be a plus. Let it be her own space.

    She seems to be having severe anger issues considering she raises her hand for every issue, n she not being in a great relationship with her mom n sibling enhances that as well. She definitely needs help for that.

    Let the hubby n wife start to chat over the phone n slowly rekindle long distance. Ensure she understands that violence will not be tolerated n whether she would take it if he was abusive. Keep reiterating that counselling is important for a peaceful future.

    Even after all this, if she's still adamant about a separate place, tell her she n hubby can work together n save money for a new place n once they have saved enough, they are free to go. But this cannot happen with either her parents or her in laws money.

    Give her time, let her n everyone think about what they have done. Stop blaming or pleading. Everyone would have had a part to play for things to get heated up, but her reaction to it seems severe. Even the best of people can show their worst side to their spouses / daughter-son in law, that the rest of the world can't even imagine. So for now, give this whole thing its time. They all need to heal n relax n then start thinking with a clear mind.
     
    Last edited: Apr 24, 2018
    sindmani and Sandycandy like this.
  2. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    930
    Likes Received:
    1,526
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    The couple have enough challenges physically. Best to give them as much space as possible.The couple need to bond first then slowly they will open to adjust to eacb other and each others parents too. Separate kitchen on her floor is a must as others have suggested .

    People here will naturally have more lenience towards the young lady as in joint family it is 1 Vs 3 so you never know what triggered her temper.. You dont know her side of the events . But if she really is a violent person , then need to rethink the marriage. Physical abuse is not OK.
     
    Sandycandy and NeetaR like this.
  3. silentlistener

    silentlistener Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    312
    Likes Received:
    247
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Male
    This is a bias which stems out of love and affection.

    Simply because , someone is close to us and we have lot of love and affection towards that person, it does not guarantee that that person cannot be an abuser.

    That person is nice to you. That's it. It does not guarantee that that person / persons are nice to the newly married girl.

    They must have been very unfair to the newly married girl, which you have not seen, first hand.

    Everything you believe about the newly married girl is the version told to you by your own folks.

    Simply because they are close to you , your mind refuses to believe that they could be abusing the newly married girl.

    Try to have an open mind to accept the possibility that the fault could be on both the sides.
     
  4. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,037
    Likes Received:
    8,379
    Trophy Points:
    460
    Gender:
    Female
    Their living arrangement is a relatively minor issue and can be handled later if they decide to stay together.

    The big issue is the domestic violence. The couple needs to separate and stay separate till the bride gets counseling and anger management training. If she's unwilling to get therapy, file for divorce. There is no soft approach, no waiting game, no cajoling when it comes to violence.

    Too often, we hear of women being asked to "adjust" to being beaten. It doesn't work. Please don't be the family who does nothing and hopes things will magically fix themselves. Domestic violence is a serious problem regardless of the victim's gender.

    Good luck, @hridhaya.
     
  5. hridhaya

    hridhaya Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,114
    Likes Received:
    425
    Trophy Points:
    158
    Gender:
    Female
    Exactly @Amica.
    My mother is mostly abusive to my father and my father sucked it up for kids sake. Having seen that, I do not want this boy to endure her behaviour in order to make others happy. We don't know the depth of the matter yet. Having read the replies here, I am in wait and watch mode.
     
    Amica likes this.
  6. saps105

    saps105 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    529
    Likes Received:
    252
    Trophy Points:
    138
    Gender:
    Female
    I feel you OP.

    My Aunt's son is also a special needs person married to a special needs person both are hearing impaired. I have seen my Aunt struggling with her because she doesn't lift a finger, always on phone or watching TV. Her mother is a regular visitor who stays as well who doesn't encourage and tell her to be a part of the family. I have seen for many years there is no particular affection on her part(DIL) even though my uncle and aunty have been supporting them in every sense.

    Before someone starts saying something saying my Uncle and Aunty have treated special needs person badly, my aunt is a soft spoken person, she is someone you cannot have an argument with because she will give in without a back answer. Aunt takes care of the grand-daughter, her studies, feeding her, A-Z my aunt is only doing. DIL is least interested in taking care of her child or anything related to the kid or her husband. The DIL is spoilt as in our case as in your case as well. Because they are differently abled they are given that special treatment and maybe ill prepared for marriage. Also they dont know how to vent frustration and anger. She has to be counselled that it is NOT OK to hit or raise hand, to vent anger. It's a habit of 20+ years. This is not something which will go just like that. Counselling is definitely needed here.

    I also know another cousin and his wife who are similarly differently abled but she takes care of her family just as a normal person does. That's because she was brought up as a normal person and not as a special person. She takes care of her both kids and the kids have turned out so well even though they live with in laws.

    As someone above mentioned, people with hearing problem cannot be left alone especially with the crime rate in India. It seems easy on the outside it isn't. They do need parental or sibling support. What works in a normal couple doesn't work in a couple with hearing issues.

    Wait for them to respond since the boy's family did ask them to come for counselling but they refused. Don't keep begging. The anger issues need to be resolved. Give 3 months or 6 months if things still don't work out you may need to consider further steps.
     
    Last edited: May 7, 2018
    sindmani and hridhaya like this.

Share This Page