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Old Age

Discussion in 'Snippets of Life (Non-Fiction)' started by nandinimithun, May 2, 2018.

  1. nandinimithun

    nandinimithun IL Hall of Fame

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    Off late there has been a steady increase in the old age homes everywhere. There was one such old age home in Bangalore/ Bengaluru where I used to visit as and when i got time.The first time I went to this old age home I could see lot of aged people, involved themselves in various activities like reading, talking to each other or seeing here and there and some were playing carom. What really caught my attention was an old lady who was sitting alone and lost in her world… her face had a lot of wrinkles and her deep eyes spoke a lot of her untold story which clearly proved that she had seen a lot of life..

    I went to this lady and sat next to her and held her hand in mine, she did not to pay any attention to my presence nor acknowledge my touch, and she was still the same lost in her own thoughts... after a minute or two she held my hand tightly and not wanting to let it go.She smiled at me and apologized for not speaking earlier to me, i smiled and held her hand tighter.

    From the small conversation which I had with this lady I came to know that her name was gowri and as the signs of ageing slowly arrived on her face she was addressed as gowramma by her near ones. She had lost her husband when her son was still an infant and currently he was working as a Doctor in a faraway place( poor woman did not the place)Her son did not have much time to spend with his mother or shall I say he didn’t wanted to give his precious time or anything of his to his mother, old age was considered as a curse and burden and hence she had landed here… like all the mothers she had also taken special care and had showered unconditional love on her son, not knowing that she would be spending her last days in an old age home with others who have landed just like her. Every day she would think of her son and pray god for his well being…. This is why time and again I say mothers are no doubts angels.

    After interacting with her I gave her a hug and told I will visit her as and when I get time and left the place. As I was stepping out of the place gowramma was still in my thoughts and more so the old age home…..

    Why is that we are seeing sudden rise in old ages homes ?? Reason is very simple because of few people who are incapable of looking after their parents (and in laws) and justifying the same with plenty of excuses, well none of them are convincing to me any day.

    One usual excuse I have come across for joining old people to old age home is, ‘oh I have had enough with this lady/man(suddenly mother or father becomes just a lady or a man) he/she doesn’t hear me anymore I need to repeat things which is very irritating and can’t see properly and keeps breaking things’ . Didn’t we all do the same as toddlers trying to speak learning to walk, our parents didn’t get irritated with us nor did they give up on us thinking we were a burden to them….

    If everyone looks after the old people in their home with utmost care and love, eventually the old age homes will diminish, why do we want someone else to look after our parents when we know we can do it the best??

    Old age is like another childhood, so let’s cultivate patience within ourselves and let’s take care of our parents and for those who are already in old age homes, let’s give them our time and affection.
    Visit old age homes once in a while and spend time with elderly people not only gives them a comfort feel but also gives us lot of wisdom and life lessons which comes from interacting with them.

    It is a painful sight to see an elderly person like gowramma in an old age home yearning for nothing but affection and love from their children….
    Irrespective of our small arguments and little angers with our parents they always deserve our undying love, lets not leave our parents in an old age home and make them lonely..
     
    Thyagarajan, Star25, annu78 and 12 others like this.
  2. Ragini25

    Ragini25 Platinum IL'ite

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    Yes, and I don't know what else to say to the above statement. I'd get very emotional if I try to write anymore.

    There was a thread or post I had made a long time ago on a similar topic, but anyway this is a very seriously important topic indeed.

    Regarding the above, one question I have is - practically how do people who are living abroad and far away such as US, UK...How do they manage to get people to "their home" (when they are far weaker and dependent - during that stage of their health, not talking abt general parent visits when parents reasonably healthy) especially not all elders are even willing or accepting to "relocate" from India in their old age for various good reasons and they say they want to live their "final days/years/months in India"?. Not to mention the tremendous difficulties with medical insurance and medical coverage for non-citizens/residents? As well as immigration/visa/sponsorship rules/regulations etc...
    Would like to hear from members on that.
     
    Last edited: May 2, 2018
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  3. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    DD, nice write up !
    My views are a little different here and I have stated them before. The rule in life is don’t overstay one’s welcome. Make your stay short and sweet even in your own beta or beti’s house. There is no charm in being considered a burden by your own children. Don’t give them that opportunity.
    We Indians have a totally warped idea of older parents living independently by themselves. And it’s time we come out of that mindset. Parents should live independently till health permits.
    Ofcourse it’s the children’s duty to look after the parents once they are not capable of taking care of themselves.
    But the big lesson here is to watch out for yourself , don’t sacrifice and give away everything to your kids with the expectation that they will take care of you. There is a good chance they won’t.
     
  4. nandinimithun

    nandinimithun IL Hall of Fame

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    In that case, proper arrangements should be done for the parents, what i meant was, making sure everything is accessible to them and nearby.....
    People sometimes leave their parents in old age homes because they feel they might get better care and attention, am yet to come to terms with this.... I understand everyone has a different situation and scenario in life, but abandoning parents, when they are unable to take care of themselves is a big no for me, as children we should think of a solution....
    Sorry, for the lengthy post @Ragini25 ...
    Bear with me....
     
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  5. Ragini25

    Ragini25 Platinum IL'ite

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    I agree with you, and will wait for our members to write the solutions that are working for them so we can learn from it.
     
    GeetaKashyap likes this.
  6. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Not all mothers are angels. Not all the time. Not to all.

    Women are often the primary caregivers for the old in the household. Either directly providing the care, supervising it, or taking time off from work for it. Even now in India, a woman cannot by default expect to be able to take care of her own parents. I think if it gets easier for women to take care of their own parents, they will bend over backwards to ensure similar care for in-laws.

    I've seen painful sights of a different kind. My female friends' old and sick parents live by themselves as they have no sons. Their married daughters, highly educated and earning in big figures, are bound by culture/tradition/society to live with and provide care to in-laws. It is very painful for me to talk with Aunty/Uncle and hear how they go to hospital and doctor visits, lab tests by themselves, while daughter's hale and hearty in-laws have the luxury of living with son, grandchildren, and enjoying the seva from the DIL. Uncle putting eye drops in Aunty's eye with shaky hands after cataract operation. They are fine with it, they do not complain. I find it very painful as I've known them since childhood or for decades.

    Parents also need to deserve undying love. Old age does make them behave like toddlers, but in the decades before real old-age, like their 50's and 60's, if they don't make problems in married lives of children, if they don't play favorites among children and grandchildren, then chances of old age home decrease.

    We don't really know why Gowramma is living in the old age home. There are always two, if not multiple, sides to any story.

    Not all old age homes are filled with sad and forlorn old people. There are good ones that some old people move to against the wishes of their child.
     
  7. nandinimithun

    nandinimithun IL Hall of Fame

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    Sugar candy
    When parents are financially settled and have planned for themselves and are able to take care without anyone’s help, am really glad....
    My point is, when they are helpless and unable to take care of themselves, its not right to abandon them....
     
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  8. nandinimithun

    nandinimithun IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear @Rihana
    Yes i agree every story has a two side or multi side to it....
    The only side and point i am trying to make is, abandoning old people when they are helpless isnt good....
    Yes, i agree with most of the things that you mentioned....
     
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  9. GeetaKashyap

    GeetaKashyap IL Hall of Fame

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    A sensitive issue, Nandu, with so many views and counterviews on this subject and all being valid, it is really difficult to take a stance. I guess everything depends on the individual merit.

    Families are no longer small cohesive units, members are no longer dependent on one another. Education has given everyone thinking capacity. With the thought-analysis begins observations and questions. At some point, grown-up children begin to question their parents. All these lead to some rationalization and so on. Since we are citizens of the Global village, many a time it is not possible for children (Read middle-aged men and women) to leave their careers and return to take care of ailing parents. In addition, these middle-aged 'children' may themselves be suffering from many modern day ailments!

    @Rihana has raised some valid points here. What people believed as a norm is no longer a norm. Earlier, dowry demands, harassing a d-i-l were all accepted norms. Not so anymore. To clap we need two hands; a m-i-l/mother should change with the times and be more understanding of her (perhaps) immature d-i-l /daughter and the d-i-l/daughter too should be more accepting of the m-i-l/mother and maintain a healthy respect. This applies to the male members also. Lately, the younger generation enters a relationship with a very negative attitude and wants extreme freedom and any and every word by the seniors is taken negatively. How can a relationship of this nature end as a loving caring association at senior's old-age?

    I know an extremely independent senior citizen, who was not a good mother or a mil. Her selfishness was more predominant throughout. Now as a nonagenarian, she still doesn't appreciate what her children and their spouses do for her, she wants to move into an old-age home to overcome loneliness et all but deep down the whole purpose is to shame her children and declare to the world that her children don't care for her! Her 'children' are all senior citizens and grandparents themselves!

    "Another argument is, they took care of us as kids and now it is our turn."

    Here again, Kids are a willing responsibility that a husband and wife take. It is not the same with parents, Children's spouses (3rd party-the eternal outsiders) also come into the picture. Parents do what best they can for their children and children accept it but this is not the case with parents. Some parents continue to be critical and demanding!

    All said and done, it is simply humane to show love, respect and gratitude to one's parents and see that their old age is as comfortable as possible. Most old age homes do not deliver the care expected of them even after charging a hefty fee. Geriatric care is getting very expensive and only those who are financially well-off can afford and for the rest, it is a very taxing affair. Lately, the tendency among many elders in their seventies is to willingly move into luxurious old age homes so that they are away from the day-to-day rigours and be with people of their age group. ultimately, money plays a big role in leading a comfortable old age in most cases.
     
  10. Ragini25

    Ragini25 Platinum IL'ite

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    This is one of the issues indeed @GeetaKashyap They charge hefty fees but then do not have the services or quality or care to even come close to what one can expect for it. Sometimes the negligence in certain aspects in the homes (talking about those that charge the hefty/luxury fees) is worrying.
     
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