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How To Hndle Controlling Husband

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Tkverma, Jan 30, 2018.

  1. joylokhi

    joylokhi Platinum IL'ite

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    If after 2 years of marriage, this is your situation, it is time for you to seriously think of your future course of action. If as u say your inlaws support you, what have they done to advise their son ? and why is his behaviour continuing to be so downright rude towards you. Even if other family issues would be there, at least the romance of the beginning years of marriage would be strong enough to ignore or rather tolerate other minor issues. But here, he is abusive emotionally as well as physically . It is high time you involved your parents / his parents and give an ultimatum - you cant continue to live with him in such circumstances. Not able to understand why you cannot go back to India - you expect no family support? It would be difficult for you if this is so, but it is no use leading a miserable life away from any help, with the person you cannot stand! Please discuss with your kith and kin at the earliest - such things should not be hidden for long - which will give him the courage to ill treat you further knowing you are helpless. My prayers are with you, take care.
     
    sindmani, Naari and NeetaR like this.
  2. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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  3. Tkverma

    Tkverma New IL'ite

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  4. Tkverma

    Tkverma New IL'ite

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    yes sis. i posted it because now circumstances became more critical and i cant goback to india. life of divorce is difficult over there. my parents want me to settle things between us. but am not getting how to behave with him. he gets angry over small things.
     
  5. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    Men cannot take spouses grantedly!Can understand your situation but can you speak to your in laws . Tell them the situation you are going through. If he again physically abuses you contact some centres as mentioned in the previous post and take their help! Another option is I know going to India is painful but instead can you stay in some other city were none of your relatives are there . Don’t tell them tat you are back ! If parents are willing to support you then fine but if not then even Your peace is also important right! You can Stay in some hostel or pg for some time .you can go to job and become independent and take care of yourself !
     
  6. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi @Tkverma

    When you mean they want you to settle things between your husband, are you saying that they are not supportive toward your divorce or helping you at all? Will they let you come visit, at the least? Many women visit their families in India for extended periods of time, even while they are married - you could use an excuse until you get your bearings. Since your husband lives abroad, news of divorce can be controlled.

    If divorce is not an option (which I remember that you needed 3 years to apply for citizenship), what about a separation? I don't know the legal details of your country, but you shouldn't have to stay in the same house with an abusive spouse. Have you looked into moving in with a roommate?
     
    sindmani likes this.
  7. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    Just read your other post, so according to that..
    You can't / dont want to return to india
    You have to be with him for one more year to apply for the citizenship
    But you aren't sure he will apply for it - even more so if you separate
    He listens to no one including his parents n least bothered about relatives too.

    So now you want to figure out how to handle this situation n still settle in the current country.

    With this extreme situation, ideal advise would be to try a separation or counselling or huge family interference, but since none of this will work for you, here's some alternative options.

    An Extreme person has to be handled in an extreme manner too, suggesting a few normal to crazy suggestions, you figure out or modify to what will work for you..

    First, Call the police "everytime" he hits you immediately to show them n to have a record. Or video record these physical abuse fights somehow n show him how he's behaving, have backup n send to his parents as well. Threaten him that you will send it to the police, his boss, whole office, friends n relatives. That maybe the only way to stop him from hitting you, stop the hitting first.

    Next a job, Is it possible for you to find full time work ? Seriously look into this option as it can even allow you to move to another city in the same country, so you can be separated from him even after the citizenship.

    Third, do NOT get pregnant till your relationship gets better.

    Fourth, everytime his temper gets out of control, go to another room n lock yourself till he stops yelling, say you cannot n will not communicate this way. But will only do so if he's ready to talk cordially. Say you both will take turns to talk during disagreements, alternate every 2 mins. N the other person should be quiet n only one person talks at a time.

    Fifth, jus mentioning due to the excess abuse, threaten him that his behavior is pushing you to a breaking point n you may end up hurting yourself, and that you have a video ready to be sent to the police commissioner of your native n the new country as well along with the rest of the family, friends, relatives n colleagues as well that he is the sole reason.
    - even people who are least bothered about family n relatives may be scared of friends n people at work.

    Write a diary, of your everyday happenings, it can be form of vent for you as well as a record of the good / bad days.

    Figure out alternative ways to apply for citizenship if he refuses to do so. Can your in laws help, is it possible to apply without his help? Check with a lawyer.

    Look for local women communities that can help you through abuse, citizenship n job.

    Few sentences to convey to him..
    - you want this relationship to work but it's not possible if he's not a willing partner.
    - N there's no win or lose between husband n wife, they are jus equals.
    - n that you have no ego with him but only expect a nice friendly relationship.
    - N that no spouse should be "scared" of their partner.
    - ask him if he wants you both to have the same kind of relationship when you both are in your fifties.
    - N if this continues then you will just break at a point.
    - say let's make a list of wat we love n hate about each other n what should be changed about each other n pick one thing each to try a change.

    Use your words wisely, stop arguing or being too quiet, you know it doesn't work. You try few options to see what works with him and modify accordingly.

    Stay strong, n think of what you want for your future n work accordingly.
     
    Anjana124 and sindmani like this.
  8. Hana2018

    Hana2018 Bronze IL'ite

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    I can understand your situations. if you have any work experience try looking for agencies or employers who can sponsor you work permit visa. if not try for small odd jobs .look for job try to be independent. then slowly you can separate from your husband.
     
  9. lavani

    lavani Platinum IL'ite

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    you got great feedback from friends here. it is very hard to tell based on the country. immigration and rules play a important factor.

    most important is you have to take the steps and plan well for your benefit.
     

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