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Effective Communication between couples

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Grihani, Aug 11, 2015.

  1. Jazmine83

    Jazmine83 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Op,


    my take on communication.


    I think communication is different for a man and a woman. There has been a lot of research on this topic..with most agreeing that men and women communicate differently.


    So for me, it is ok if my partner is not overly expressive or overly communicative like me.And I don't pressurize him to talk to me as soon as he comes back from work..i give him the time to unwind..watch some mindless program or surf the net...after an hour or so, when I talk to him..he is better at listening.


    Also, I am aware of what I communicate to him. To explain further...other than work, what is for dinner, did you eat..all these are standard everyday communication...I make a conscious effort to go beyond that..how I do that? simple..do more activities...like dance, outdoor sports, my friends circle...so there is something new to talk about rather than the same ol' boring conversations. He does that as well, as an example, he is a kick boxer, after he comes from his class or even when we are driving..he teaches me different punch styles. I do an extreme outdoor sport to which I take him once in a while and teach him few things. So, to keep the communication interesting, we have to constantly renew and bring new things in our life.


    In terms of communicating uncomfortable things, I tried telling him in private..but that did not work..so I asked him I want to tell you something that is uncomfortable..what is the best way to do it...he asked me to tell it over in an email so he has times to let the heat off :p. Surprisingly that has worked for us. Lot of times we feel we have to say something then & there...but we all can agree, in time, the heat dies off and we communicate more politely to the same issue.

    But there are certain topics I avoid all together..speaking derogatory about his family, or talking about atheism (he is an atheist but he does not push me)..like "no touch-too personal" topics.

    Communication in bed is also very important...if i like something..if I don't like something..What he likes, what he doesn't like....his fantasies, my fantasies. I will do so in a funny or a casual way so it does not affect his ego in bed. few gf's i know..don't talk about this at all to their spouse..the stupid taboo attached to sex.


    And I try my best to follow this saying, as it is very close to my heart...
    "yagavarayinum naa kaaka" translation "whomever you are, have a control over your tongue"
     
    alady2018, cheenu123 and Grihani like this.
  2. satchitananda

    satchitananda IL Hall of Fame

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    I cannot say "30 years ka experience hai" before I launch off, but I can certainly say "19 years ka experience hai" and that means the marriage has grown up to be a "major" - yes, despite everything! :rotfl

    There is a popular joke which goes "In the first 6 months of marriage the husband talks and the wife listens. In the next 6 months the wife talks and the husband listens. After the first year, both talk and the neighbours listen". Theoretically a fair "distribution of labour" it might appear, but then we know what goes for a toss.

    It is not seldom that the following conversation takes place:

    BH 1: Why did you not do that? I had requested you to do it yesterday. / XYZ which happened last month or which we have to do tomorrow ......

    BH 2: (Note: BH here stands for better half/bitter half. No implications of polygamy or polyandry are intended) What? But you never told me before.

    BH 1: Of course, I did. I told you .....(history of when it was told).

    BH 2: No, you didn't.

    Then follows a series of "of course I did" and "no, you didn't" until BH 2 says exasperatedly : Oh well may be you thought you did and thought so much that you convinced yourself you did, or maybe you muttered something from the other room. How many times to tell you I can't hear too well and if you want to tell me anything, come and tell me so I can hear?

    Nothing achieved. So the most important factor in communication is:

    Don't talk from another room. Approach your BH and make sure you have his/her attention. Beware of multitasking BHs - they might not register what you are saying. Say things clearly so you make sure the other has registered what you have just said. If it involves a plan for more than 2 days ahead, ensure you remind him/her of the same after 24 hours so he/she does not forget. (Don't nag. Just make a casual statement with the reminder included like "Did you think over what I mentioned yesterday? What can we gift ABC for their anniversary" .....")

    In case of disagreement, listen to what the other person has to say. Then express your POV. Try discussing the matter and see if you can find a middle ground. If not, just agree to disagree and leave the matter there. No two persons can always agree on any one point. Don't start a 3rd world war in the house.

    If the going gets rough with more 'words being exchanged' that you consider strictly necessary, give the spouse some time out. Just say what you want to say FIRMLY but ONLY ONCE. Having satisfied yourself that the person has heard what you said, retreat to another room and say no more. Let the person have some time to reflect on what you said. He/she might see your POV after a while and things may quieten down.

    These are general guidelines. Each marriage and the partners therein are different. So there can be no blanket rule. You might choose to keep quiet so as to avoid a blow up or decide to give a silent treatment once in a while (not more than 24 hours except in very extreme cases) so the other gets time to reflect on his/her stance.

    If communication and a peaceful coexistence seems impossible, there are two options - just accept your differences and learn to lead your own life within the marriage or choose your way out.
     
    3 people like this.
  3. janetbuys

    janetbuys New IL'ite

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    I believe that a husband and wife need to work as one in everything and show a united front, because their marriage is a priority. In my marriage if my husbands side of the family attack me or show animosity for reasons best known to themselves, he will stand up and defend me, or challange them by saying, "that's my wife you are talking about". He recognises that his family are not perfect and should not bring division in our marriage. I do the same with my family. Now that they know that we operate as one, they seldom attack.

    It is very important that men in particular learn to stand up and defend their wives. It must be something that is discussed and agreed upon between spouses.
     
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  4. poojaraniuk

    poojaraniuk New IL'ite

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    My hubby hit me and child many times. I am hurt mentally. Should i continue to talk to him normally?
     
  5. sganga

    sganga New IL'ite

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    This thread contain very much valuable information
    Especially Jayasala posts are very nice
     
  6. ArunaRSanthosh

    ArunaRSanthosh Platinum IL'ite

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    Communication is very important for every individual for a living!
    Here in a married life COMMUNICATION is much more important between a couple.

    First many think communication means talking or conveying one message but it is also the skill to listen and understand.

    We fail in communication if we don't TALK or LISTEN
    So while talking/listening be very conscious as an interpretation of one word may give a very wrong meaning which spoil the whole relationship.

    Communication must be effective because it may lead to lots of confusion, if its not told/understood properly.

    For some couples body language and even an eye sign is enough they would have communicated without words or even without others noting.

    Communication may be through mail/phone calls/messages/direct conversation, anything it must be proper and time limited. Eg: Husband/Wife may be busy in a meeting/work wouldn't have attended the call, so we must understand the situation and if want to convey can message him/her.

    There are some people who love to share everything that happened that day from morning they left to office and till returned home, thats a good habit, but we have understand the situation of the spouse, he/she may be totally exhausted, give some space and time and communicate.

    In Ramayanam, Tthere is a phrase called "KANDAEN SEETHAYAI" i.e after lanka visit Hanuman visits the eager Raman and tells this phrase.Some times we must not waste time by talking un necessary things, make it to the POINT.

    Newly married couple may have sweet nothings to talk, spend lots and lots of time understanding each other.Its not wrong even other couple sometimes talk like that, it refreshes the relationship.

    Some maybe so expressive even in public.Spouse may like it or not, so understand them and try to keep the relationship expressive. Personally have some nick names and call the spouse with that name, these all add more romance to the LIFE

    Communication is not only through words. Everyone loves gifts and surprises, while talking try to know the likes of your loved ones and you can come up with surprises/flowers/perfumes/wallets/surprise dinners/outings anything which they love to make Life more happier

    Couples who are apart due to work/study must utilise their time in communication properly.If a person needs to tell everything that happened he/she can make note all the incidents in a diary and can show it to the spouse later.They can talk important things but never ever fight when they are apart. They must fruitfully use the time by talking good things about each other.

    While discussing important issues give full concentration on that discussion, dont text/post in fb/see tv, it will really irritate the spouse as it is a very important discussion.Eye contact is must for every communication.


    While discussing about work, if he/she is in a bad state in job, give him/her CONFIDENCE as you are the moral support for the spouse. Try to solve the problems, help in domestic side as it may be sometimes hectic to tackle both the sides .(I know we are multi taskers, but sometime stress makes one very feeble and tired.)

    Another quote from Tamil literature, THIRUKKURAL

    theeyinaar suttapun ullaarum aaraadhey
    naavinaal sutta vadu

    So one must be very careful while talking, the discussion may be over but the words talken will be through lifetime.

    One more example is
    iniya ulavaaga innaatha kooral
    kani iruppa kaai kavarnthattru

    When good ripen fruits are available will we opt for unripened fruits like wise we must talk good words, not bad ones.

    There will be fights in marriage but that fight should not be taken next day, it must be solved that night.Talk the pros and cons and try to sort out the issues, dont ever drag the issue next day!

    Dont have quarrels in front of children/inlaws/parents.Children will be so upset, parents/inlaws will worry.So have your arguments in your ROOM ONLY.

    Its intimate to call by name you may like it but be careful in family functions (some relatives may try to create problems) why unnecessarily we should give space for these issues.

    Important thing is DONT TRY TO DOMINATE THE DISCUSSION.One may win the argument but not the relationship. So be very careful while talking to your loved ones.

    Finally don't presume, he/she should understand my feelings, just talk out what you need and spend quality time with your loved ones.

    Let ROMANCE begin in the life again with EFFECTIVE communication!
     
  7. durgadeviramesh

    durgadeviramesh Platinum IL'ite

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    My small opinion we communicate from heart between couples they reach like pray god no need to speak.
     
  8. Counseling

    Counseling Bronze IL'ite

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    • always talk with respect. it is important to show that you respect your partner.Even pet names can be reserved for the future.
    • don't order. instead give suggestions.
    • If you feel that a fight is brewing up just stop talking and go to the other room and lock yourself. Don't talk rashly.
    • don't make fun of the other person when you are among your close ones. instead try to make him or her comfortable.
    • when a suggestion is given really appreciate it and put it into action. do not just ask for the sake of asking.
    [​IMG]
     
  9. Tkverma

    Tkverma New IL'ite

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    i am married for 2 years. i am facing difficulties communicating my feelings and thoughts. i feel misunderstood? i dint underdtand how should i duscuss things with him. whenever i try he gets angry and start yelling at me. moreover he hit me. he always keeps his point. but whenever i try to explaint him he takes me wrong. i am affraid of him, afraid of communicating with him.he has complaints that i dont communicate with him. bur he doesnot understand my feeling i am affraid of sharing room with him. but i can't go back to india. i am not getting how can i come out of it. he is egoist and controlling husband. he always just want to win the argument and makes me realise that i am inferior than him. he doesnt reapect me. he insults me before his parents and relatives over small things.please help me.
     
    Last edited: Feb 22, 2018
  10. Tkverma

    Tkverma New IL'ite

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    i am facing the same problem. it has been 2 years to our marriage. i dint understand how to react iver things. i am affraid of him. i am affraid of sharing room with him and communicating with him. he insults me befire hus parents and reltives. he is egoist, controlling and selfish. i am not getting how yo behave with him.ts hard for me to handle situations and hus anger. whenever he gets angry i always keep quite. on this he says that “ you are im mature. you are childish” but am afraid of him thats y i cant share my views with him. i dint know what fear is this. when he fights he always throw out everything in front if his patentswhatever i shared with him.
     

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