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How can a joint family prepare for the addition of a working dil ?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by yellowmango, Sep 10, 2015.

  1. sunrays

    sunrays New IL'ite

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    @Yellowmango I totally agree with your points. But how to make inlaws and h understand the same? The day dil enters home they assume all household chores are her responsibility. I live in USA and have full time job. My inlaws come every year and stay with us for 6 months. They says girl should be independent and working but at the time should not leave her roots. Basically a blend of modern and traditional. So dil suppose to be working, should do all household chores alone- like cooking, cleaning utensils, laundry, cleaning home, spend time with them. Moreover, they assume that they are guest so they are not suppose to lift finger in home. Cooks special meals for them on weekends and take them out. But they continue to observe whatever I do and pass their unsolicited advice and tantrums. I never saw guests like them before marriage who stay for 6 months, do nothing but interrupt and pass their expert advices in each and every thing, need special treatment, if special treatment not given then nag.
    I am totally frustrated and fed up. Sometimes, I feel life was much better when I was single. We marry with so many hopes but are treated like full time maid who brings pay cheque in month end.
     
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  2. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    @sunrays....these people are just exploiting the dil.Unfortunately...these people will never get the love and respect of the dil.Why would any dil want to live with such people.

    Anyways sunrays,in this ,your husband is more to blame.
    Why doesn't he help you?
    Don't bend over backwards to please the guests.
    If you are the only one doing the household work,then don't give your paycheck to anyone. Not your husband or your in laws.Keep it on your name.

    That is just so convenient for them.Our roots don't say anything about people expecting dil to go out and work too.

    You can't do anything about such people unless you take a stand.Can't be a good dil and expect fairness.
    Problem is that dil's don't take a stand till they are about to break.What stops her from just throwing the towel in and saying,I am tired,can't work like a donkey. Everyone get their own dinner .

    Take a stand.If they are going to be guests and your husband is also not going to help ,then put your foot down ad stop them from spending 6 months .

    check this thread.http://www.indusladies.com/forums/married-life/277064-how-did-pattern-get-established.html
     
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  3. sdiva20

    sdiva20 Platinum IL'ite

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    So I want to ask those that are suffering in similar situation like @sunrays.


    Why not ask husband to do everything that he and or in-laws expects of you? And then see how quickly your husband will feel your pain.


    Btw, a mix of traditional and modern sounds lovely- for husband as well as wife. You be modern by working outside home (too) and he will be modern by working inside home (too). . I think you should not blame your IL's but your husband for not standing up for you.


    Another scenario- what happens if you just refuse to do anything out of ordinary saying you are only able to do so much? Just very sweetly tell about your demanding job (just as taxing as your husband's) does not leave you with much energy to be the traditional daughter in law.


    Some solutions:


    You husband or you can cook some oats in a slow cooker. Hot and healthy breakfast ready in morning. Have variety of bread, butter, jams and preserves ready for everyone to help themselves. If they want Indian, have idly or dosa batter on hand. After you leave for work they can cook to their hearts content. But you have to leave for work so you don't have much time to cook for everyone- so have a nice day everyone. On weekends, you want to relax so unless the rest of the family is understanding that it is your "weekend" go back to quick solutions till they get the memo.


    What if you assign some ground rules for any guest staying more than a couple of days to help out in a household where the host works full-time and does not have time to play full-time hosts??? ? You don't have to tell his parents if that makes you uncomfortable. You can ask your husband to do their share too. Then see how quickly everyone will pitch in.


    Any guest should offer to help load dishwasher or do laundry or cook a meal.


    If your IL's insist on hot meals for dinner, they can help prepare a dish or two. You can program your rice cooker to have hot rice ready when you get home. When you are in kitchen call your husband to help out. If he is sitting with his parents, go and sit with the family and chat with them and relax after a long day at work. When everyone is hungry, ask your husband to help you (as you had a busy day at work - as usual) or call in take out food. Yes take out food is bad for you but what to do- after a long day at work no matter how much your traditional side wants homemade food, sheer exhaustion (not to mention "modern" choices like pursuing a career leaves no choice but to take refuge in the "modern" convenience of take out food.


    From the first day or marriage your husband and IL's will set their expectations from you. They are not wrong in doing so. Everyone has expectations- no crime in that. The beauty of it is so do you. They dream of a dutiful DIL/ wife taking care of all their needs. You dream of a husband who sweeps you off your feet and takes you to romance land and IL's who treat you just like their daughter. The reality is somewhere in between. After a period of adjustment you will find a happy medium in your relationship if all parties learn some give and take. Trying to meet other's unrealistic expectations will only lead to resentment and misery.
     
  4. Anamika99

    Anamika99 Gold IL'ite

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    I love your analogy....laugh1smiley
     
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  5. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    Very relevant post in modern times!
     
  6. MonikaSG

    MonikaSG Platinum IL'ite

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    What about non working dil? All working ladies here?
     
  7. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    @MonikaSG, I guess we can/should make a separate new thread on that also. I guess you can start a basic one and others will contribute with more points...

    But more importantly, how these points will reach the PILs!!
     
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  8. MonikaSG

    MonikaSG Platinum IL'ite

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    Thank you. So sweet of you.
     
  9. nju

    nju New IL'ite

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    Nice write up and proactive behaviour. Others hv also added good points.. am writing below about how our kitchen works how things happens in our place!

    Initially my mil was working , and i had to resign after I got married since my hubby had to move to a different city. After that she resigned as my fil was retiring. After few years When we returned here for good, abruptly mid term for the sake of inlaws health reasons, and i joined back work here, she too started working. I was surprised why we left all n came! Small kids, new set up and working and managing home became so stressful. We had to cook for too many guests/househelp too! ... I found it v hard energy wise and ignoring kids timings etc... Mostly it will be her relativesrand her cooking which kids dnt enjoy and hubby likedlbutfound it v oily !! So I slowly distanced myself from her to do basic clean, cook and packing office/school lunches just for us. Would team up with her only for festivals and to greet guests wt small snack, tea and gift giving. So she started complaining a lot that she had to work all alone. I just gulped those remarks but continued to focus on my 4member work. I did other work like getting groceries /daily veg, milk, grinding batter for all, paying all our bills and few minutes of exchanging pleasantries! Had a terrible time & had to escape and hear remark after remark from them. But in front of all they behaved v well. I talk v limited in front of others or other times with them. I Carry out most protocols that's expected, be there when they r sick or other needs... But stay away soon after that. Earlier there was lots of communication between us ladies as what to cook and general planning.. Basically she wud decide and tell and I agreed. Though it's a good way of kitchen management, I was getting sick of this daily discussion and listening which went work for us 4.
    Over the years we ladies had to quit work and now both are at home!!! I hv brought about few changes!:
    I no longer discuss, I just make b/f for us and lunch dinner for all and keep it and we 4 (us&kids ) eat our food 30mins earlier than them. This Saves me the general dinner shoutings/tantrums and instead gives quality dinner time wt my hubby n kids. But she started complaining she is not getting to make what she likes, she is not getting enough say or that it's boring without work etc.... So now I make for us and eat, clean up and leave. When she asks again what to cook, I request her to cook what she likes and that I will manage kids taste and nutrition! There was initially a tensed environment as she felt I was distancing them from kids and her son etc... But I had no other way to reduce the noise levels, extra unnecessary work and stress.
    There were days when I would cut veggies/make रोटी Atta and keep for morning and she wud hv utilised thm and I found that out only in the mornings before going for work!!! Then sometimes I hid these for the mornings, as she had ample time in the evenings to plan and chop herself if she is getting bored or get it done thru househelp!
    Now even though I quit my work! I have kept these practices going. Separate kitchen timings has ensured individual time in kitchen and reducing over burden on ourselves. Festival times i do whatever she tells and do things together. Some special snacks or curry when we make we do little extra. We have started ignoring little food wastages on account of communication gaps! I did not make it an announcement and carry all this out, just did it and things fell in place mostly, yet other times they bad mouth me. And few other times kitchen vessels are more or it remains filthy as we wudnt be sure if cooking is fully done or not by the other. But i always clean up the platforms,stoves and keep vessels washed n ready for her use, clean up leafy veg for her as she omits thorough clean up etc... Also she is getting older and is generally more irritated and vociferous about all her frustrations... So I keep quiet and walk away for that moment.
     
  10. priyanka12345

    priyanka12345 Silver IL'ite

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    Wow.. thats good to have separate cooking and MIL accepting it..
    I used to live with ILS and they would not like if I prepared different food for us.Even my husband would not agree to this concept of having cook for only couple and kid and not in laws.
    Good that your ILs and hubby dont have problem with this :)



     

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