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Buying Peace Of Mind! Is It Worth It?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by nju, Jan 18, 2018.

  1. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Op if you can't bell the cat,then start asking them for money.
    Tell them things are not going well at the money front. Tell them you people are overwhelmed with loan payment. Ask them to help out. May be then their demands will decrease or they will choose to live with less demanding children.
     
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  2. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    Haha the notice board suggestion is a gem. OP can be creative and confuse the MIL:
    Painting the town red with your Laal , ciao ! ( MIL thinking : bahu art class gayi hain kya :thinking: )




     
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  3. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    :roflmao:
    Op can join some drama classes and try out some of it at home .
     
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  4. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    Shakespeare’s drama classes , maybe OP could practice her lines “ Hell is empty and all the Dev(M)ils are here “ :mask:

    Sorry OP !



    P
     
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  5. nju

    nju New IL'ite

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    Yes.. Very valid queries.. Feels positive justifying here my part or getting a chance to be heard! So generously poring in my replies!!! Hoping it's ok with long replies. I know the post will be ignored if I am being unreasonable&sad faced!
    Q::Why do you and husband give in each time ?
    A::My hubby and his siblings and FIL have always been totally submissive and in awe of her capabilities!! So i also started my life with her being submissive! And always used to think that she is right.
    Its only me ofcourse who shows my irritation for her! for her dominance/loudness/audacious behaviour. Offlate he and his siblings are atleast giving a thought that their mother is handful/mouthful creating unpleasant atmosphere at home. Slowly we have started to not give in to her and ignore them. But that intelligent smart lady can totally screw us every time..
    Q :Let her whine , let her shout. When she realizes that all that shouting is of no use she will shut up.
    AA:But soon after marriage I also like other ladies learnt my duties as wife/dil/mommy and consistently have tried performing them earnestly (whether in her eyes I am capable or not). And I saw that I could handle all these quite normally and cheerfully without much ado! Also slowly hv learnt to take care of huge guests/relatives visiting and staying over! That's when I realised that she does these same things but needing attention and appreciation for each and every thing and in the process making our home cantankerous! God has been kind to us in every regard and honestly me kids and hubby are pretty low profile and grateful and v happy with what we have. but still hv to put up with whining or being attention seeker! I pray either i go deaf or she goes dumb!
    QQ:You seem really stressed, make sure to get out of the house and have other interests and not have MIL in your face 24/7.
    AA::Though we hv a big sized home I hv ended up being in the last room almost full time, making sure to least listen to her!!! But her breath/whisper itself is like cacophony! Yes feel very stressed, unhappy and u accomplished! Trying with all my will power into shifting my energies into mindful reading, yoga and as always trying to let go..
    We go out for vaccations when r we can but he is losing the romance and enjoying पर से with me. Let's all go out, let's try those new adventure, let's meditate, let's try new cuisine... Let's be with kids!!! The time I hv been waiting to be wt him all alone is yet to come. Like he wanted me to I have done all these work of a wife/dil/mommy/PR and still wait that I can charm him back and become lovers again!!! . It's hard to learn again n again that few dearest things I yearn like my love , my pleasures are one sided...my kitchen, my space, my dream as an assertive companion is still a long dream!

    QQ:Talk to the husband, tell him you have had enough. MIL either takes a backseat or can whine in a separate home.
    AA:Believe me. We have gone over this so many times, it's so overwhelming and causes so much friction. We become so agitated and lose our peace of mind! And Just like that 2-3 days get wasted not talking to each other and fuming over it. While the elders enjoy our home and cause further nuisance! She cannot be a back सीटर!however right we do things..
    QQ:And what is up with not being able to say no to her spending habits ? You are not only jeopardizing your future financially but also setting bad examples for the kids. They are growing up in a household with a loud dramatic dominant grandmother and helpless stressed unhappy bitter parents.
    If the husband cannot talk you step in you do
    AA: I have stepped in showing displeasure/shouting etc.. And other survival traits but they are effective for a short span. She just shows how insulted she was made to feel and quietens temporarily to only raise a higher volume drama! My kids complain to me but show lot of respect and understanding towards them. At times they wish their grandparents weren't home when their friends came over / stayed wt us.
    QQ:Op....the problem lies with you too.
    Yes I totally agree, hence asking help here so as to change myself effectively!! I think I figured out but v soon keep losing the battles!!
    QQ:When the driver joined their team,you should have just thrown him out period
    AA:yes. We shd have. But my hubby was very busy to even get into all this! He thought throw money and it will all be resolved. And I was not at all effective in sending my messages to my hubby or stop such nonsense in our home. Only advantage these did was:I grew unhealthy and lost 10kg weight!!!!!!!!! Now even that is not happening after 10yra my metabolism too has given in to her bashful ways!

    QQ:Why do retired people need a new car when money is not lying around ?
    Even if you had to buy ,why a sedan?
    Why could two retired people not do with a small hatchback?
    AA:My hubby got a cheaper but decent hatch back car for easy commute to office... But for them they said they need to put their suitcases with the extensive travel they do like once/twice every month, so he went for a sedan, saying it will useful for all of us ... But Even tickets my hubby buys while thy enjoy a handsome pension. Thr other investments hv matured! Thy only boasted n told and also thr few properties thy sold and got rich wt thr bank accounts and listen to their cunning dialogues!But thr cards are not connected to net banking, we dont know online booking etc. Thy dont belive thy can do online transactions! ..... And while she is so enthusiast in all social media...
    QQ:Why did you pamper them if you have loans to pay and kids to educate?Where is your spine?You are parents of kids who need to get education.You are halfway through your earning life....why are you still catering to their whims and fancies.
    AA:Only I kept feeling its wasteful and that we need to go a long way wt our savings and earnings! And so, only with my continued hint at my hubby that it's not correct of thm to ask us to do various costly things... It's finally entered his mind to raise his finance radar against such useless expenses. When we can stop ourselves/our kids.. think twice before spending why not nudge thm wt the same logic i keep telling him! He has invested rightly for future needs & contingencies.

    QQ:If they expected you to pay for their seperate set up..why could you not just give them the money that you could afford and tell them to manage within that .
    AA: They wud manage the home with the food/maid/driver salary expenses. But made all the payments ECS frm my hubby bank account. So each month we had to pay their electric bill, landline, cell phones, our apt maintenance /booking thr tickets/car insurance /and annual pest service/Faber /aquaguard etcc else. They demanded security system & then upgrading for thr safety even though our duplex house is within a gated community. Plus thy wud use up our Annual nights allocated at mahindra vacations! Citing that anyway u cudnt use due to kids exam/or no leave for hubby! When we found out that we cud carry fwd few days to the next year my hubby told thm that we hv exhausted our annual vacation days etc... And don't ask... End up spending each fun weekend going to that home or thy coming to visit hubby and grandkids!, This set up certainly wasn't workout and during big illness we hd to cave in and bring thm to us permanently. And now it's even worse!

    QQ:Even now,what do they do with their money?What do they do with the money they earn from renting their house?
    AA: Very very extravagant, buys lots of clothes and jewellery... Saying aftr us it's for you all only!!! What logic! Thy hv enuf and more we need not give thm. But still keep asking bcoz their son obliges almost every time. They also take unnecessary treats from Sons in laws and daughters in the pretext of customary gifts!!!

    QQ: your husband is not willing to bell the cat?
    AA:Yes my hubby doesn't waste any energy mending their set of i'll behaviour...He is outside most of the day time accomplishing new accolades! HIS Theory is If I am giving them money then I am earning more.. So that you too can spend for yourself. In short he feels if as a bread earner he is able to give me the luxuries I need then no need for me to be wasting energy, thinking about their lavishness...
    I thought this was our life not that he has to appease me, I am another client for him! The more work he has to do for extra earning the more time we spend apart the more transactions the in laws fill in for us the more work he puts in..!
    I know he wud like to retire much earlier and tells me that we need to further reduce our overheads to cushion our not so-actuve earning-! Iife lil later on. He just refuses to even go talk to his parents, he doesn't like, feels if thy aren't sensitive to our situation then it's sheer bad luck, leave it.. So I don't want to push him into this anymore.. Will arm myself wt other means to keep my cool and work with our finances.. Wud like to know how do u guys deal with such situations... Pls write, thank you in advance..

    QQ:Make a list of the amount you have to pay back in loan.Make a list of things you need to do for your children.The money you will need to do that
    AA:They only taunt us hush hush that we hv grand plans for kids and are very kanjoos and don't know how to live. They on the other hand with meagre means lived much better it seems. . Now I know their old situation better from othr relatives. Did not want to gossip wt her folks but hv quietly realised how my in laws took loans frm relatives for various purpose and ofcourse they paid thm after my hubby started earning well soon after his hard earned studies and long work hours!!

    QQ:Show it to them and tell them to be considerate to their son who has growing children .
    AA: There was a time when they will openly appreciate not us but my HUBBY alone.. Saying how well he is taking care of his parents. That he alone and noone else respects and loves them.I wud be just standing there as if I heard nothing! SO My ways of showing displeasure wud yield me their wrath and bitter talks and nothing changed towards their leisure/lavish life! Tantri the Mantri case!
    QQ:Ask them what they do with the rest.
    Tell them to use that money to do the stuff you want.
    AA: They show how they buy gifts for us also, pay thr premiums, and now for taxi/drivers etc... (if she buys herself a saree for 5k-8k for me it will be something 700/800₹ saying I anyway don't use costly/flashy stuff.... I am thankful she thought of me! but it's a waste i dont need this and to please her now i hv to wear it! Give me what I really need! No need to show off!
    Even if I leave to them the payment of groceries delivered at home (bcoz I vl be in the last room) thy promptly remark as soon as I show up there that they paid everything, and now again they hv to go to withdraw cash!! I wud try to think positive like.. "Such comments once in a while is ok... Thy paid so thy told!! Big deal I wud brush it off." .. But the painful thing is till next time or every once in a while thy pay thy vl go to reiterate all old payments thy made however small, to show thy r also par_taking in running the household! Then It gets irritating ... If this is all really needed! Let me Buy the needs of home and get going.. why to hear frm her!!
    QQ:Get your self a notice board.
    Every time you step out...write it down on the board and go.
    AA:used to put up post its if ever thr doors were closed and I needed to step out.. And what was I headed for? next times thy started pointing out that I dnt even tell /post it and coolly forgot!! I thot this is not done, felt funny and utterly foolish!
    QQ: less interaction you have with her ,the better.Tell her to tone down her volume as you get headache from loud noises.
    AA: yes for that the punishment i got was, when relatives came she wud sing her saga and tell in front of me that at old age they r lonely, Noone to hear them out! (at her convenience she becomes old and become young for new fashion sarees/dress/jewelry).. And shed crocodile tears every now and then! Can't back answer nor tell anyone that thrs nothing so bad going on after all!
    The other siblings are d/o, so they are with us always... The others keep thm for few weeks only in a year...
     
    Last edited: Jan 22, 2018
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  6. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Op....lot of repetitions in your post...but I hope the venting made you feel lighter.:)
     
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  7. nju

    nju New IL'ite

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    Thankyou for pointing out yellowmango:hearteyes:
     
  8. Desiindian

    Desiindian Gold IL'ite

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    OP, You all feeded her to this level by being submissive. so including you, all of you are responsible for her behaviour. I am not discouraging you here. stop trying to change here, she has been like this for years, you will be disappointed, instead you change. 1. next time,if she comments abt lonelyness in oldage to relatives,you say that you will allow your son to stay in a neutral family or you willnot accept jointfamily alliance in future for you daughter.stop your expectation to stay in good books of everyone. you moving out of house or moving PIL out of house at this point of time, may backaffair on you. her other kids will blame you that you used her when you needed her and not helping her in their olden age. encourage them to spend couple of days in a week or a week in a month in h siblings home. you enjoy the time with your family during that time. finance matters you husband should talk them.
     
  9. nju

    nju New IL'ite

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    That blame will be totally false, all knows They old not be insensitive to our helping hand towards my in laws ever... God is witness. But they were never there to raise my kids or do various activities which usually you would associate in a joint family between grandparents/grandkids. They have fun and interact but have not been burdened with work related at different ages.. Viz a viz infants, school going kids lunch box, taking care during illness etc... Drop/pick, classes etc.. While working also i made it flexible hours and was around for my kids, since my hubby would invariably travel and come home late nights. Also thy at many times themselves have been ill and I had to take house matters in my hands along with hospitalisations etc... One thing good about their sickness times has been that our home would be silent, we all will be harmonious and are their for their needs, it's more gentle and family bonding behaviour around! Ofcourse not at the cost of their i'll health!
    I agree, don't want to be in good books by acting. Let's be genuinely nice to a healthy extent! Otherwise unlike now a days there was hardly any time to gossip/showoff/foul play..
    Now with grown up kids and me at home, househelp who listen to us also and lesser entertainment /family func I have decent share of time... I am allowing myself to write hete, express seek guidance.. Otherwise I swallowed all and hv been v miserable,! But now getting clarity slowly and finding you all very helpful, insightful and hopeful of taking things positively
     
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  10. nju

    nju New IL'ite

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    Today, yet another day passed with them complaining and taking names, . . And i could hear it all.. Whatever were their complaints .. quietly i resolved them.. Gave them their clothes laundered.. for which she was yelling!!! , got the groceries for which she kept murmuring that I don't plan and fetch things in time....! Had a headache, and maid has been working fewer hours past few days, and going off early , today i took it lil lightly....so few things got unorganised! One day slack and complaints immediately starts pouring. Then MIL comes out of her room and talks sweetly as if she has no complaints whatsoever of me no matter how ever inefficient i hv been!!!!
    I seem to always get to hear them complain about me! No matter how much ever i keep myself busy and away from all this!! When they talk ill ofome i am somehow thr to hear and get my mind agitated, sad and then leading to me acting indifferenti!! I Iwork.. do all that's expected of me and thn behave recluse!! And Only to hear bad names for me...At times I think Even kids feel i misbehave and they get carried away wt her caring and sweet coated words!! But i still dont feel like communicating or reasoning... I finish my work/duty and walk off frm that place but my mind keeps lamenting about thr tone, grudge, and however hard I try to keep the positive vibe I end up feeling sad especially when I see my kids seeing me in no control of any situation and that mummy always walks away after her work!
    How do you guys manage small and daily things like these!
     

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