1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Confused !

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by shravs3, Dec 23, 2017.

  1. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    1,807
    Likes Received:
    5,249
    Trophy Points:
    383
    Gender:
    Female
    Shravs,nobody here is asking you to just pack your bags and leave.
    It makes more sense to treat the husband like a king when one is being treated like a queen, not as a slave. Also keeping him happy should only happen if he is respectful and keeps you happy. Respect is not a one way street.
    Give in to his every whim and fancy and this will set the tone for the rest of your married life. So it’s crucial that you address this right now.
    As for him not being social, not a big deal. Least of your problems right now.
     
    Sandhya13, shama146, Meghaa and 7 others like this.
  2. chandu999

    chandu999 Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    52
    Likes Received:
    24
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Male
    Well said Sandy Candy, Respect should be in both ways (give and take). For the sake of our own happy married life being wife or husband, we will start giving more from my side, whether other person is giving or not. I am not giving to strangers right, we are giving to our own loved life partner only. This is applicable for both husband and wife.

    We giving respect to strangers and love and concern towards pets, But, ....why can't we give the same to our life partners. What is wrong in it.

    Finally, Whether wife respects or not she is the only queen for Husband and the same way Husband is the King for wife.

    Today, He might be wrong in one thing, but, he may be correct in many things. So..don't judge person or loose the person based on one small respect or individuality or self respect.
     
  3. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,174
    Likes Received:
    2,465
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Don't bother too much about your husband's socialising preference as of now. Expecting him to be super friendly or willing to be with your relatives is expecting a lil too much. I may not be too happy if I was pushed to suddenly change my holidays plans for my relatives too. Good it worked out for you finally, if it didn't get extended, he may have gotten disappointed about missing some places.


    If he's all loving but controlling, there's a few way to go about it..
    - pick your battles : stand firm for what is important to you, let go things that aren't so important.
    - setting this in the beginning will set the future of your relationship. It may get worse if you listen to "everything" right now, but not listen after a year.
    - if he realizes that by yelling / fighting / threatening, he can make you do what he wants - brace yourself to hear it forever.
    - tell him that you may listen if he says out of love but "never" by threats.

    As you guys are in the initial "get to know" phase, it's important for you to keep establishing yourself as an equal partner n not step down from it. Or else you are at the risk of getting squashed for life.

    When he tries pushing - Say "let's make a deal, I won't do this because you don't like it. But you shouldn't do this as I don't like it. Adjusting works both ways, right!"

    Don't be "scared" of your partner. Good relationship can't be built by "fear".

    Ego is bad for a relationship but self respect is very important - because if you don't respect yourself, how will your spouse respect you ?

    We are the only ones who can stand up for ourself, because it's our life. If we can't fight for ourselves, then just becoming the "submissive" partner n accepting our "dominant" partner will make ones life a lot easier rather than being stuck in between.

    Only you have the power to make a difference in your life.
     
  4. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    497
    Likes Received:
    1,107
    Trophy Points:
    248
    Gender:
    Female
    Very well said . op if I were you , I would take this piece of advice very seriously.
     
    nakshatra1 likes this.
  5. GeetaKashyap

    GeetaKashyap IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,921
    Likes Received:
    9,220
    Trophy Points:
    460
    Gender:
    Female

    Well said, @ashneys.

    @chandu999

    "Today, He might be wrong in one thing, but, he may be correct in many things. So..don't judge person or loose the person based on one small respect or individuality or self respect." I am shocked! In the beginning of a marriage, if she doesn't set the limit, the problem will stay on forever.

    A successful lady doctor (senior citizen) having her private practice confessed to me that even after years of marriage, she goes to bed every night with tears in her eyes because of her husband.

    Another senior citizen couple has similar problems. Even to this day, if there is a difference of opinion, he shouts her down or asks her to get out of his house. A few months back, she gave him an ultimatum that if he asks her to get out once again she will surely get out, even if it means to beg for survival. Only after this threat, he has mellowed down a bit. Their children are married and stay abroad. The lady does not want to involve her children.

    I know another couple very closely, they have celebrated 61 years of married life. Both have enough health issues, but she serves him, ignoring her ailments. Yet, he doesn't think twice before condemning or criticising her in front of visitors. The reality is, without her constant care and devotion, he won't survive even for a week.

    What a patriarchal system we are living in and promoting! It is a shame. A few years down the lane OP will be having kids, her job and other prospects will also reduce. At that time, her position will not get any better.

    Chanduji, all of us want the OP to have a good marriage and live happily. But at what cost? This is something only she can decide.
     
  6. chandu999

    chandu999 Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    52
    Likes Received:
    24
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Male
    I didn't understand ..what is your advice to OP...are you forcing her to take decision now itself. That is wrong.

    You said about three couples as an example...But, you forgot to take the positive thing from them. You are looking at negative thing only.

    Please imagine..once..for example one couple got separated with a kid or two. Now answer the below.....
    1.Women should go for marriage or not?
    2.If she goes for marriage again ..what is the guarantee that, she will get a good person than previous person?
    3. If she gets again a wrong person, then what the solutions for her?
    4. Again separation?
    5. If she gets separated, from where will she get mental support in her life?
    6. If she gets a new relation...will she should go for a marriage or not?
    7. If she goes for a marriage or not...what will be the impression on that women to her kids?
    8. If she didn't married after first break up...she spent life her own and reached to 50, her kids got married, where will she stay?
    9. Same mentality DIL won't allow them to stay in home definitely.
    10. If she staying alone some time in mid night or odd day some thing goes wrong who will support her?
    11. Even lacs money may arranging servants or care takers but not the loved ones.

    I request you all to read all the question and imagine you be in that position and then start giving suggestions to others.

    I am giving the same after imagining my self or my wife or my mother or my father whom ever may be in that place.

    Person sitting on the river bank can say anything but, only the person in river knows the pain of it.
     
  7. chandu999

    chandu999 Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    52
    Likes Received:
    24
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Male
    Hope you read it completely and replied ....
     
  8. sumalynux

    sumalynux IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,515
    Likes Received:
    2,763
    Trophy Points:
    325
    Gender:
    Female
    Op

    My dh had reservations about me wearing sleeveless. I used to get irritated and fight back. Once my mom asked is trip , enjoyment imp to u or wearing sleeveless. I repacked my bag. I saw my dh was extra nice to me in trip after couple of weeks I explained I love wearing sleeveless he then told me how his college friends used to peep n try to get glimpse of breast, when girls wore sleeveless and raised hands . I explained cheap mentality men see women even if they wore saree or decent dress. These days I wear sleeveless, and even above knees dress n shorts he's Fine now..

    What am trying to say is men come to some conclusion because of some reason.

    Sometimes being smart and first saying yes to what they say and explaining later satisfy their ego and works in our favour.
    (Not saying to blindly agree to every thing husband says, but be smart to agree small things, and pick your fight for imp things)


    But threatening saying do what I say or leave is wrong. Explain it hurts your self respect and ego. But before that try winning his love and make him believe you respect his views he will come around and respect yours.

    And it's too early days in marriage. Give it time to understand each other. Some suggested go back India get job back. I respect their views. But trust me your husband has still not got used to depend on wife for everything. You leave he happily stays back enjoying bachelor life. While u go back work, and after while relatives even parents start questioning about future. Be here and fix it. Make him understand your love and value as wife..

    I always hate when people say separate divorce in name of self respect ego. EMA, physical violence is different issues and needs divorce. Other things can be tried and fixed before giving up marriage.

    Love this quote "
    We were born in a time when if something was broken we would fix it, not throw it away "



    PS: It's purely my experience n suggestions I don't want anyone quoting my post and start debating. Everyone has different approach to solve issue..
     
    Last edited: Dec 24, 2017
    Sandhya13, nakshatra1, Amica and 4 others like this.
  9. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,207
    Likes Received:
    5,845
    Trophy Points:
    425
    Gender:
    Female
    I was thinking the same ! But my doubt is without losing my self respect how to be in a stable relationship? For me marriage is really something special , of course for everyone ! But wat I’m worried is if I keep agreeing to whatever he says even after years what will be my position in the marriage . Marriage is not one sided as all said, there should be love , respect , trust among both . If I talk about equality dominance etc and such things to my hubby he says such things exist only in books and current modern videos wre they depict about woman empowerment , but in reality it’s different . According to him wives must listen to their husbands only after tat husbands will try to listen to us! The main problem is he is brought up in complete male dominant family , wre his mom doesn’t utter a word against his dad and listen to him due to fear ! But wat I’m telling is I must be able to listen to him out of respect but not out of fear ! How to make him understand tat in current generation good relationship is established with partners out of love and not fear !
     
  10. chandu999

    chandu999 Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    52
    Likes Received:
    24
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Male
    Please follow the suggestion given by @sumalynux. That is ultimate.
     
    sumalynux likes this.

Share This Page