How Long Can One Keep Going Without Appreciation From Partner

Wow...i thought is was a woman posting ti i read last line.
OP, I think you should not expect thanks. Just imagine...from generations and decades, women have been doing what you are saying you do n they never got appreciated.... not even now.

In marriage...both are equal partners.... and eachs way if appreciating partner is different.

 

Does your wife criticise you for not doing something properly? If yes, use that opportunity to remind her that she doesnt appreciate when you do something good just as she is pinpointing when you do bad. Maybe that will make her think and react.

If no, then you have to let go of this expectation and stay in peace.

 

Looking for appreciation is normal but your obsession level for this need of appreciation is slightly worrisome.

N I don think this is a huge enough issue to consider divorce or an affair. If that's the case, almost every married women should be in an affair or divorce.

Is there anything more than this appreciation part that is lacking emotionally ? Are you able to have good meaningful conversations and are you both like friends? Is everything else ok in your marriage apart from this ?

Separation or divorce, What will you gain out of separating from your wife .. come back to an empty home ? What is the guarantee that the next wife will be better than the first one? Or what if she only appreciates n does nothing else, will you be ok with that?

N affair .. what will the other woman do? Appreciate you all the time ? What if that woman gets bored or annoyed with your need of appreciation, then what, you move on to the next one? You will also take your marriage to a point of no return. If your wife leaves you, you lose your whole family.

There should be atleast one character of yours that drives your wife totally nuts, should she leave you or have an affair for that ?

Looks like you have already had many conversations with your wife about this n she has also answered you that her way of showing love is through her food instead of appreciating your every move with her words.

You can try to make it funny, like when you do something, tell her 'say I did an awesome job' or 'one kiss please'. I read something similar on this forum as well. Make it in a fun way that she starts enjoying it too. Slowly over time you both will find a mid way.

On another note, you should read more about this obsession for appreciation n try to figure that out. This kind of 'obsession' doesn't do good mostly.

 

@Benadryl

Chosen a cough Syrup's name !!

How genuine a husband feels, "emotionally unfulfilled " I don't know.

In real life I don't think I will ever meet a husband who says he is emotionally unfulfilled.

Anyhow, interestingly written, dude !

 

My observation is that, we Indians ( simply becoz I have etudied loads of them) as a community do not easily acknowledge, praise or appreciate anyone easily. Nothing personal. It is all to do with EGO N INSECURITIES.
Spell out your expectations and train your partner to comply.
Plug any inadvertent mistakes or shortcomings.
Most often this emotional void leads to extramarital affairs or breakdown in marriages.
Sadly, sensitive partner suffers the most.

 

@Benadryl , what I understood from your post, was that you are missing romance & a deeper connection, much more than a simple "thank you" for doing your chores. Could that be true? I am wondering whether you and your partner have any romantic life at all? Do you both ever go out together? Have you ever been out on a "date" or a vacation together? What about before kids? Has your partner become more entrenched in her pattern after the kids were born? Too many people / partners fall into the boring pattern of work - home- cook-sleep and it becomes real hard to break the chain. When was the last time you went out with your wife "on a date"? Do you do anything "fun" together to bring out the child in each other and lighten things? We all have various levels of needs and it's obvious that some of your needs are not being met. Before trying to fulfill this need from an extra-marital affair, please consider really talking this through with your wife, explain how much this is impacting you and if you are still not able to understand each other, please seek "couple-therapy" soon. At the very least, the therapist will give you both some objective counseling, your wife will see the serious nature of your needs (so she won't simply disregard them anymore, if that is what she is doing) and you will have a more constructive idea of how to move forward.
Hope this helps...
Swati

 

I don't know how to react. ......each and every words of you are ditto to me..not talking to in laws, not enquirying about them....everything are similar .....im fed up with my life. ...living just for kids....

 

Appreciating, complimenting, caring are the basics of a nurture. In general, it becomes one's nature when we age. Possibly, your DW had a tough childhood when growing up?

Instead of expecting love from others, give that caring love to your family members and it will make you much happier person.

 

So, at time of marriage you had a clear cut division of chores, as happened with traditional stay-at-home-wives.

• You work in a mentally straining job, to earn a high income and be the breadwinner.(plus the occassional house repairs, and outside work)
• She takes care of all household work especially cooking.

Now,you expecting to be thanked for giving hand with the chores namely:-"cooking food, doing dishes and taking care of the kids".

• Clearly, cooking she is taking care, except once or twice a month she may be sick. So, what should she thank you for exactly?
• Taking care of the kids, is both your equal responsibility and infact privilege to spend time with them. That is not mother's job alone.Kid's need father's love and time equally.So, there again, not a reason for your wife to thank you.
• Third, I guess you are helping to do the dishes daily.Same way, she is helping you by being a working lady, going to work daily to earn money. So whose contribution is more when you compare??? Just because you are earning more than her, she has taken the entire responsibility of cooking. I don't think she needs to thank you on top of that, for doing dishes.

If you still feel that even after being the provider, you are still helping with the dishes so you need to be thanked, then you too should thank her daily for going out to work and earn money in-spite of being the wife. Your expectations are totally unfair. You say you never care that you earn more than her, but clearly you do. When both spouses are working outside the home, but only one spouse is expected to do household chores or thank the other for helping! If your wife had not taken entire responsibility of cooking , I might have sympathized with you, but that's not the case so I'm saying such.

So, don't expect your wife to appreciate you for giving a hand in household chores. If you want her appreciation, take her out on romantic dates and plan good outings, and create situations where it would be natural response for her to express her appreciation.This is how you can improve the relationship.Or atleast hire someone to do the dishes, as she is already burdened with cooking- office-cooking cycle. Try to build life around more than these.

 

The home of OP could use a “Thanks Bowl” where each partner could avail themselves of a token (a real aluminum coin with Thanks/Love-ya embozzed on the faces) of Thanks or love. Outside the bowl you’ll see the words: Give a Thanks / Take a Thanks. When OP or wifey feel thankful or lovey-dovey, and feel inhibited to say it, they could go for the bowl. Check Walmart or Target; it comes with 100 tokens, to be divvied up between the partners and the bowl. A problem that is just in time for holiday gifting. Be loving and thankful.