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Am I Failing In Something As A Parent

Discussion in 'Toddlers' started by Sweety2016, Nov 14, 2017.

  1. Sweety2016

    Sweety2016 Gold IL'ite

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    My days are horrible..We both have to leave to work by 9.00 AM and before that have to pack our foods, get baby and ourselves ready. (we have a maid and cook) I don’t have problem with the tight schedule. I have problem as to how should I discipline my child..She is just 1.5 yrs old and makes me go mad..She is super naughty and every activity she does has an extreme danger associated with it. One moment I take my eyes off her she starts treading along the most treacherous path!
    For instance: she comes to kitchen and opens the cabinets and takes the forks, glass cups, knives etc..she keeps opening and closing the draws with such vigour. She plugs out all the child safety electrical locks and puts her fingers into the socket, she climbs on the rotating chairs, tries eating any thing and everything, climbs on dabbas and tries balancing, opens the fridge and sits inside it, messes up with the electrical wires and connections and what not..all this happens in a fraction of a second and if I miss another 1 sec she will definitely hurt herself..once she swallowed something and we rushed her to the emergency. It was a nightmare and I can never forget that day. This has happened four times now and every time we rush to the emergency room in the odd hours we have different reasons and the LO would be subjected to some much of tests that she could cry herself to sleep..We have a room exclusively for her filled with toys, bedding etc..safe for her..but she doesn’t stay inside even for a moment without anyone of us..If we keep sitting with her how would we do the hell lot of other tasks in hand..To make her sleep if I take her to room at 9.00 I will come out at 10.45...and most of the times wakes up along with me…I am trying my level best to secure her in this rented apartment…but when things go out of control I either shout no no baby or sometimes slightly beat her in her hands with no momentum..but she still cries as if I hit her. The moment I see her I cry I feel horrible and start asking sorry..this happens in a cycle..H also loses his cool and started being firm to her and she gives the loudest wail possible. Morning 7 to 9 house has no peace..we keep restricting her with everything she does and she keeps crying continuously and is already ready with a list of tantrums..

    I am just tired beyond explanation. I have no time to even eat..She climbs the dining table and throws everything out of our plate, spills all the curries on the table and clearing off that mess gives me shudder even now when I am sitting in office. Due to this I just switch on the tv though I hate it to control her..I try telling stories or singing songs but she just cannot sit..Also I tried getting her colouring books and she started eating the crayons!

    How to handle her in a more positive way? Myself and H feel like terrible parents already. Today when I left my child in the crèche great despair and guilt engulfed me and I wasn’t even able to breathe properly for a second..My query to you all is if telling a firm no is not working how much ever and how many times I try what should I do?


    P.S: She is such a sweet heart and a smart kiddo..
     
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  2. Agniamber11

    Agniamber11 Bronze IL'ite

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    Please dont fret and feel guilty. Your kid is hyper active. Infact, till they go to pre school, most of them are like that. You have a room full of toys for your kid, but trust me, it never works. Children of such tender age are very curious and absorbent like a sponge. They want to explore each and every thing. Patience only works. I got a board for my daughter to draw. She didnt care a bit. Once she had crayons/pencil/chalk, she drew on all the walls of our home. People used to be shocked when they visited us. I was very happy to show her art work :grinning:

    Maybe you can get a maid for few hours just to be with your kid, since you both are too busy. She will play and also keep an eye on her. Up till 5 years, you need to monitor your child. Do get a high rise chair and make her sit on it. Discipline should be inculcated slowly. My kiddo was full of tantrums too. But we sailed through that phase. Dont lose hope.

    Can you get a baby swing with a belt on so that you can put her on it and do your work while swinging? Just a thought. Keeping them in one place is next to impossible, but even for few minutes, if you can get time to breathe, then its worth it. Your kid has so much energy, take her to park in the evening. Let her run to her heart's content. Definitely,she will be tired and go to sleep early.
     
  3. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    Why are you feeling guilt n despair? For correcting her ? For disciplining her ? For leaving her at crèche ? Next there's school, what happens then ? If we parents start feeling guilt about everything, how should we raise them ? If we try to be super humans, we may fail at everything. Instead we can prioritise about what's important and focus on that first.

    Every kid is different, their energy level is different and how much you can control them also varies. Usually they all slow down a bit, or get busy but some control of discipline is always important.

    Your child is just 1.5 now, n with too much excess energy. And you come home drained after your work, so that itself is off balance.

    Looks like getting someone to care for her part time can save you some energy n stress. So think about a nanny under your supervision, either as a live in (if you want help with sleeping) or as a part timer, someone who can be behind the child from the moment she gets back home from crèche. This may save you from a lot drama and the saved energy can be used positively towards the child mentally and physically.

    It's also a good idea to tire the child out for the night sleep, so a trip to the park or play ground can do wonders.

    If she's like this even after she starts school, you can enroll her in multiple extra curriculars that interests her. Channelising the energy in the right manner is important.
     
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  4. Anisu

    Anisu Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear OP,

    No..you are not failing as a parent. It is just that your child is hyper active and curious to know about everything. Kids at this age has lot of energy and they would need a lot of physical exercise. You will have to take her to the park and allow her to play there atleast for half an hour.
    While at home , please keep knives , glassware in the upper shelf so that the kid will not be able to reach out to them for some time now. Also, if she comes to kitchen , give her some atta , small bowls , spoon and allow her to play there with the small vessels. This way, she will be occupied for some time and also do not put too many restrictions.

    If she is reaching out to the electric points , tell her calmly that it will hurt if she touches it.

    Enjoy you DD 's activities now :) you will miss them after a while. This will definitely go on till the age of 5 atleast .
     
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  5. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    Op, You are at your wit's end. You can just about tear your hair out. Every parent has been there at some point of time.Dont worry you are a good parent. Your daughter needs to burn all that excess energy in some way. Why don't you put her in day care half a day. Being with other kids and involved with other activities like playing, toys and group activities will calm her down.9-2 will do her good. She needs to channel her energy in learning or play . More like play at this age. A babysitter at home may not work as she will still be doing same things. Good Luck.
     
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  6. Chocolatey

    Chocolatey Gold IL'ite

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    Dear OP,
    I could totally relate to your feelings. Please don't feel guilty. My daughter was same as yours at that age. I understand how you feel. But it is just a phase. It gets better as they grow up. For now, child proof your house as much as possible. Get child locks for everything - all drawers, cupboards, fridge,etc. If you want you can keep some vessels and spoons for her to play in one shelf in kitchen and let her access those alone. Don't keep any sharp or break-able things within her reach at anywhere in the house. Try to lock all chairs, stools in a room when you won't be monitoring her. Instead of crayons, give her washable sketch pens. She won't be able to eat that. At this age she will put everything in mouth. Don't give in for her tantrums. Just ignore or try distracting her. Distracting and ignoring works at this stage. And keep saying 'no' firmly when you have to. Make her understand that no means no. Take away any child hazard thing away from her reach and prevent her access to it. Have a safe environment for her and let her do what she wants within. It really gives us some peace.
     
    Last edited: Nov 14, 2017
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  7. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    NO OP,

    Dont think that way or feel depressed. It is QUITE NORMAL. What else are you expecting from a 1.5 y old with high energy. I am sure you might have done similar things when you were at that age. Ask your mother. I have also faced similar situations with my kids many times. Parenting is not an easy job. It is very tiring &challenging.

    Even if you provide them one room full of toys they like to play with utensils. Give one or two (This interest will change within one or two years). Lock rest of them in cabinets. You need to CHILD PROOF your home . see this article.
    Childproofing checklist: Before your baby crawls | BabyCenter

    We should always keep an eye on them as their actions are unpredictable. In this age they have isolation fear. So one of you should be with her. Else she will come to you for sure. keep her in a place where she can see you or stay with her for eg: in kitchen or living room where ever you stay.

    Instead of restricting her too much, give her some pressure cooker, wok, or utensils to play (light weighted , wooden spoon etc). I know it is temporary. but that works. Keep everything locked and well above her height. Safety proof electric outlet etc... ( my living room was like a temporary kitchen, my ds made it that way, my dd had no interest . Old photos make me smile )

    When she cries, dont panic, just take a deep breath and observe. Attend her only if it is necessary. Dont yell or argue. Go to her level, look at her eyes and explain in calm voice & say NO if needed. (but they reach proper communication skills later only).You can try 'time out' as a method to punish if she do it again.

    Crying for no reason is a method to get your attention. Please dont try to control her too much. Leave her to do what she likes after child proofing. Take way all those cryons. I think she is small to handle it.

    I think you need to schedule your time. (check Il forum for many posts) and follow that schedule especially in the evening. In between find time for your dinner etc. Use high chair. Finish all jobs, including dinner, before her bed time.
    For example, if you take her to bed 9:00 PM. Do it everyday on same time. Switch off tv, lights etc... If it is 9:10 PM, you need to wait for another hour to sleep :). So strictly follow schedule (in my own experience it works, may find it difficult in the beginning. have you watched super nanny program ever?)

    Every parents face these kind of challenges everyday. You will also learn for sure how to manage your dd. WE learn by doing and by trial and error. Enjoy this time with your little doll. Take it easy.

    ( believe me, later you will miss all these naughtiness . So relax, dont take it so serious, keep an eye on her , protect her, find time and enjoy as much time with her everyday. Time flies so fast, once they cross 4-5 year you will see a different version of your dd.)
     
    Last edited: Nov 14, 2017
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  8. Sweety2016

    Sweety2016 Gold IL'ite

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    Dear friends,

    Thank you so much for the time and empathy extended...It means a lot to me..Trying to help a stranger with those soothing words without expecting in return makes IL a very sacred place according to me..A distressed OP who gets blanked out and clueless with her problems gets energy to face the battle once again with full vigour after she sees the reply posted by good Samaritans like YOU!

    Yesterday I felt so guilty because it was childrens day and I forgot it..Instead of making it special we both were scolding her for her activities...Later to make up for it and to make myself happy..I got chocolates for all those wonderful kids in the creche and took my DD for a drive..The moment she extended both her hands sidewise and said 'happy' made my day (sorry night actually:))

    My thread is to understand whether scolding her is wrong? If i try to beat her slightly I get random thoughts of all those parents who give capital punishment to kids and since people advocate against it...i am afraid of my choice..so upto what intensity slight beating is ok? or is it a complete no-no...Being firm doesnt help at all..she does what she wants..

    SOmebody has suggested me to place her in a swing..We have one and even with belts held tight she stood up on it and was balancing like a circus employee! So removed it..FYKI, she goes to a creche from 9 to 6 in the evening and the creche is in my office itself.. i can meet her whenever i can..they take her to lawns and play area....she runs and runs and finally eats her food as well..so its not that she is confined to the house..Even after so much activity she keeps running in the house..By the time i reach home its 7.30 PM and taking her to park after that is also difficult...

    And remaining all suggestions I will etch it one by one into my mind...this little blessing though she makes me overwhelmed that cute little smile makes me look for a more sensitive approach so that i wont regret later
     
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  9. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    In my opinion , beating a 1.5 y is not ok. Can you ask her why you beat her? Can she explain why you beat her. Unless she dont have a clue what is the point. We may lose patience many times, I agree. But beating make them rebellious and create a negative impact. But once they cross 4 y they gain a better ability to tell why it is so, then they understand and listen well

    The most effective method is time out (Google "time out method", there are videos in youtube as well) or take/remove her favorite toy (varies with kids age). Tell her firmly that it is not OK to do what she did. Read IL form so many posts are there.

    I will say" I will count up to 5 " if you dont stop, will give you time out. Initially it will be difficult, but slowly the listen (but stick with your word). I generally keep my kids on kitchen counter or some place well above their height so that they cannt escape (I will stay there to make sure they are safe) or keep in an isolated place (swing wont work for her age). They may cry for some time, but they stop eventually. Once they stop, again explain why you give her time out in a loving way. Ask her will she do it again? Yes or no . If she agree then hug her.

    Communication is the main issue. They dont know how to communicate or explain well. It take some time. Have patience.

    Scolding/yelling in angry tone is not effective (it just frighten them) in my experience compared to calm and stern voice , for example saying 'NO' - nod your head in negative way and use finger gestures indicating no ( May be you can try with angry face or or with a smile, whatever works for you, to give her warning , depending on the situation). Some times explaining in a loving way or requesting to do some thing works well.

    Dont worry OP, you will learn it slowly. Both of you are learning new things everyday. Let her enjoy the way she likes, make sure she is safe and childproof your home. It is just a phase

    Make sure you spend some time for you everyday ('me time'), that may help to overcome the stress of daily work.
     
    Last edited: Nov 15, 2017
  10. MaliniHari

    MaliniHari Gold IL'ite

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    Your post forced me to respond. I have a 1.5 year old. I am a working woman. My kid did exactly the same thing.
    Things that worked for me.

    a. When you shout, she will hear only the loud sound, not your words. So be patient and tell her.
    b. Kids at this age have a lot of energy. That combining with the curiosity makes them super energetic which is not an easy thing to keep control of. I go to gym and leave her at the daycare in gym. She spends a lot of energy there. So end of day she is tried and sleeps.

    This worked for me and i am a lot more better now. This shall too pass (but you will regret this passed very soon!) :) good luck.
     

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