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Is My Sister Correct

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by shama146, Aug 19, 2017.

  1. Rise

    Rise Platinum IL'ite

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    Your sister is correct.
     
  2. shama146

    shama146 Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks all of you for your replies.

    Yes I also thought coz of my mom's health my sister said so, and she was correct also. But her way of conveying the same was definitely wrong. What if I had said the same thing to her, I know my mom would have been the first to scold me.

    at times u have to pay a price for being the youngest. You guys r doing a wonderful job clearing doubts and giving valuable suggestions to all those in need. Thanks once again.
     
    happydheivanai likes this.
  3. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    I think your sister is correct in conveying the right message at the right time to you. That is, not to further disturb your old & sick mother this time.
    She was rude though. But sometimes rudeness is the only way to firmly convey the message when the other party doesn't get it.

    Looks like, you are yet to understand this context.

    You can't help your mom as a guest at her place with 2 young & active kids.
    However, your stay can disturb your parents to some extend, specially during this tough time.
    On the other hand, your sister can be of great help to your parents, specially at times of their inability.
    But your stay might make your sister uncomfortable some way (no separate rooms, additional work etc)
    Despite of all this, you still offered to stay with your mom, and pretended to help.
    So, obviously your sister has no choice other than being rude.
    It happens, specially with younger siblings. These older siblings takes the right to scold and be rude with the younger ones to make their points clear.
    Do not over analyze this.

    Don't analyze this problem based on this spot.

    Your frequent visits to your parents\ place may relieve you from tiredness. But how about them?
    Are they happy to host you often?
    Do you share their burden of hosting you + kids?

    My aunt and uncle lead a normal life, but they are over worked whenever their children + grand children visit them.
    They need to clean and mop the floor, make the tiles spotless for these young kids to crawl.
    They need to cook extra, and buy extra items costing a hike in their monthly budget
    More work like cooking, cleaning, as there will be more members.
    More work after they all left the house. Re-arranging the things, specially after these kids' mess up is not easy.
    Since these children + spouses come with young kids, they hardly help the mother. But they expect their mom to give special treatment (cooking special food that they dont get to eat at their city) always.
    These moms love to help their kids, and enjoy.
    But they often end up being sick and unhealthy afterwards.
    The children who lives with them or who takes care of them know what it is.

    Looks like your sister is more of in-charge of taking care of your parents, so she is being over protective of them.

    The next time when you visit your mom (with kids), don't make her overdo anything. Be very helpful and supportive instead.





    Despite of this, you preferred to stay there, and believed that you can help.
     
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  4. shama146

    shama146 Gold IL'ite

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    I find it very strange when people say a girl should limit her visits to her own parents.

    Few things I should clear. First of all I go only coz of my DD. We live in an apartment. My mother's house is big with a garden. So DD loves going there. Here she gets bored. DD loves her grandmother more than she loves me. So I go basically for her.

    Secondly when I visit I take care of both my kids. Mom only does cooking. There is maid for household chores. Now as my mom has fractured her arm, we have hired one girl for cooking.
    I always make sure she never has to do any extra work for us.

    I was living under a fallacy that everyone enjoyed when grandchildren are around.
     
  5. sweetsmiley

    sweetsmiley Platinum IL'ite

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    I feel your mother should have conveyed this message to ur elder sister in past and thats the reason its coming out now. But your sister will give this stubborn support for you also if needed.

    She is a rock for ur family,dont take personal and move on..
     
  6. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Op, your sister was unnecessarily rude specially the second time but she was looking at the best interest of your mom .
    Elder sisters can sometimes be rude as they take the younger ones for granted.

    Ideally your mom should have told you that she would like some peace and quiet for a while but she let your sister do the nasty work.
    The fact that your mom did not intervene probably means she wanted that too....or she is scared of your sister.

    A lot of unnecessary heartburn for everyone .
    Your sister could have been more polite.
    You could have tried to see things from your old mother's point of view and tried to understand ( naughty kids can wear down even the most loving people )
    Your mother could have requested you politely.

    Anyways...this is temporary. Don't let this become an ego problem between you and your mom. Just because she wants a bit of peace for sometime does not mean she does not love your dd. Your dd is probably the apple of her eyes....she just needs some peace and quite without the hassles of worrying about little children.

    If it hurt you,you can just discuss it with your mom. Tell her you would prefer to hear it from her if she has any problems with you or your kids .
    You could tell your sister to be more polite specially in front of your kids.

    This thread makes me think of times when I have been a bit rude to my little sister,taken her politeness for granted. I owe her an apology and a bear hug.:worried::(
     
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  7. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    I don't think any one is asking here to limit your visits to parents.
    It is all nice to interact with parents, specially when kids like it.
    But everything needs a pinch of salt, and then only it becomes a smooth ride.
    We are speaking from experience here.

    Your frequent visit should benefit both your parents and your family. Make sure, your parents are not drained, or not made to overbear your visits/expenses/kids etc.
    You can compensate this by gifting them, helping them otherwise etc

    Apply common sense when there is a tough situation.
    We can't control young kids, or expect them to behave. They don't understand the seriousness of the issue, or the need to respect silence.
    Kids would shout, scream, cry and make unnecessary work for the hosts during their stay. It is normal. So it is advisable not to drag them when you visit someone with health problems. Leave alone, staying at someone's place with kids during such times.

    Take this incident as a lesson and move on
     
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  8. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    Grandkids are a joy no doubt , but once the grandparents start aging it can be very tiring to keep up with them. Adults have to be mindful when visiting aging parents . Cooking can be exhausting , I assume your mother would cook more than she normally does because her daughter and grandkids are visiting. You don't have to feel bad or bitter about anything , it's a normal progression of life and relationship with your mother. It's your turn now to think about how to make her life comfortable . I assume your sister has already started thinking and planning along those lines.

     
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  9. RohiniVenkat

    RohiniVenkat Silver IL'ite

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    @shama146 Your sis is correct and also in the way she communicated. She might be in a tensed position to give you the comment. You should understand the voice is just to make sure your mom should set to free from the kid's mischief and you should not take it in a wrong way as authoritative. I'm an elder sis, so I could imagine what sort of things will run in her mind in such emergency scenarios. you should not take it to your heart rather try to understand her.
     
    sindmani likes this.

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