Seeking Help. Mil Problems

Dear Friends,

I am a 30yr old pregnant woman. I live in the USA with my husband but conceived when I was in India. I had pregnancy complication (placenta pervia) because of which I had to stay back in India till my 5th month when my placenta moved up and I was safe to travel. My MIL offered help and said she would like to accompany me, so we both returned together to USA. We both always had a great relation but things took a U turn after we arrived to the USA. She started giving me princess treatment i.e bed rest ( I was on complete bed rest for 5 months) even after doctor clarified that I am perfectly normal and like any other pregnant woman. I love to do my own work and when I refused to listen to her and continue doing my own works like cooking, eating out, going to mall for groceries and small stuff like that she started complaining about me to all her family members. She tried to cut off my social life which I refused. Once she realized that she can't control me her way she started talking on phone for hours , almost 8hrs each day with her family, siblings, friends and started complaining about me. Everything that happens in house like me and my husband going out is shared on phone with everyone. Simple things like I am on laptop, in my room, restroom, sleeping, cooking, food menu for that day, conversations between me and my husband everything is discussed with her family. Most of the time she would be talking bad about someone either me, my husband, her MIL, my FIL, her cousins, some acquaintances.

All this put too much of stress on me and my husband , we were missing our privacy, we needed a break desperately, also with my pregnancy I have an increased libido. We wanted to spend some alone time together before the baby comes which is due in another 2 months. So I asked my MIL if she wanted to go to her sister's place in Atlanta USA for a week. She asked me to talk to FIL and ask for his permission. I sent him a message saying me and my husband need some time together. We will be out for long hours and can't take MIL with us so could we send her to her sister's place for a week so that she wouldn't get bored all alone. For this my FIL reacted that I am asking my MIL to get out of house, I am not American to ask for privacy I am Indian, He narrated stories of how his bedroom door is always open and lives with his mother, We had 3yrs of time to enjoy which was enough, I am cultureless, Society will know that I am not getting along well with my MIL, I am using her at my convenience. He insisted me to even call my parents ask the same question to them and see what their response will be.

I am a very direct person. I admit that I lack the knack to ask things in an amicable way. Was I really that wrong to ask for some privacy. I wouldn't have bothered my MIL if she were the type who keeps house matters within the house. Also, I genuinely felt bad for leaving her alone when me and my husband are going out, so I wanted her to have fun. But now I feel bad that I have said something very rude and unacceptable. My husband thinks I didn't do anything wrong by asking for privacy. He has heard his mother's phone conversations. I am confused.

 

hi
please post in a seperate post.
your husband or mil should have talked to the fil.
you are not wrong in asking for privacy

 

Sorry I didn't know how to start a new post .

 

OP, Don't fight with ILs or husband over this. Just stop doing what seems too much. Take care of your health and your baby. Pease let ILs know doing every thing may not possible now as you have a small child to look after. Discuss calmly with husband when he is in a good mood. Do you have a maid at home?

Also, please start searching for a job. Don't sacrifice your career.

 

Thank you for your response. You are right that my husband doing the talk , but all this happened in the absence of my husband, he was at work, by the time he came home everything was over. It was my MIL who insisted me to talk to FIL about this matter otherwise both me and my husband usually make a decision together. My MIL was bored here and was interested in going to her sister's place but she was too afraid to ask for permission from FIL. We wouldn't force her if she doesn't like, it was a permission we were asking.

Because of boredom she is on phone for hours with her siblings,mother and friends talks everything that's happening in our house and I don't know whether it is intentional or unintentional she even discloses conversations, arguments/ fights between me and my husband or small disagreements between me and her to other people. Our rooms are adjacent and walls are thin so we can hear whatever she talks with her siblings and vice-versa. It was a win-win if she left to her sister's place coz she is interested. If we had decided to send her off we would have bought ticket and just sent her.

Ordinarily it's a no brainer that we don't talk about privacy with elders but I felt my FIL is an open minded person. He holds my hand, hugs me and talk about topics related to sex like mature jokes, sex in mythology (incest, adultry, romance etc), marriage and relationships when I was alone (in absence of my husband and MIL), and took liberty to pack my baggage (even my undergarments) when I was not comfy and hesitated, he said he is like my father, on contrary I never allowed my dad to touch my things. I am confused? Why is all this okay and not asking privacy with husband. Also I said we would very busy going out ( baby shopping, first time parents workshops and classes, social calls etc) so she would be bored staying at home all by herself, so I felt she rather enjoy at her sister's place than be left alone.

I do all house chores she helps me sometimes. Bathroom cleaning which I cannot do due to my bump, I hire a maid for it. Rest all I do, and I enjoy doing it cooking, cleaning house etc. no complaints against it.

Now, the new development is that her family will also be visiting us shortly for 3 months because she is bored and can't visit her sister's house. They have self invited themselves. I had to refuse my dad from visiting us till everyone leaves and we settle down, that's not likely to happen till January. They were even planning to take me and baby back to India with them.

Anyways, I apologized for what I said and didn't want to drag it anymore. Donno who is right and who is wrong but I don't want to think about all this anymore. Whatever will happen will happen, if I don't like it I might just end up either compromising or fighting.






Well she

 

WHO is going to visit you now??

 

your mil is not naive. why cant she ask her son to speak with his dad.

 

I am confused here . FIL holds your hands , hugs you, tells you dirty jokes ( in the absence of H and MIL), packs your undergarments .
. I am sorry but your FIL is a dirty old man. Are you ok with all this ????
Not only is he a bully to not give MIL her freedom but also a perv to talk dirty with the DIL. This is not behavior any father would indulge in, if that's what he claims. Rather this is not the norm at all, even if one is open minded and modern.