Should I Confront My Mom?

Umanga · Jun 28, 2017

Sunshine04 said: ↑

I Hate this word "ADJUST".
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I thought I was the only one.

Indians love it.

Sunshine04 · Jun 28, 2017

Umanga said: ↑

I thought I was the only one.

Indians love it.
Click to expand...

THE PEOPLE WHO LOVE IT ARE THE ONES THAT DONT ADJUST BUT MANIPULATE OTHERS INTO DOING IT

Umanga · Jun 28, 2017

Sunshine04 said: ↑

THE PEOPLE WHO LOVE IT ARE THE ONES THAT DONT ADJUST BUT MANIPULATE OTHERS INTO DOING IT
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Wah! Wah!

Elsa · Jun 28, 2017

OP, you probably should confront your mom. Not infront of everyone, but in private.

Think from your wife's point of view. She must be feeling very bad at the treatment meted out to her. Even though its once a yeay, for a week or two, it is not right on your mom's part to behave and treat your wife like she did. Imagine your MIL did the same to you.

Would you still expect your wife to take her mom's side and be ok with adjusting for as long as you stay at your MIL's place? You should stand up for your wife, take care of her during your stay at your parents place. If your mom is not ready to change, you should probably have your wife and kids visit uour parents place for a few hours and let them plan their vacation as they wish.

Ravikant · Jun 28, 2017

Thanks everyone for the responses. Since many have addressed the point of my wife eating scraps, let me add some details. The imagery is not one of me having a 3-course meal, while she starves. It is a bit more manageable than that, but nevertheless a big issue.

And it is not that the issue started full blown from day one and I have been doing nothing over the years. You know how these things evolve. And remember, we might have visited our parents say 6-8 times in the last decade and I have had only that many opportunities. Initially you brush it aside, but later acknowledge the issue and hope that they both work it out. But as these things keep happening, you start to figure out what to do.

I know that my mom isn’t a sadist and doesn’t wantonly plan to give less food to my wife (even my wife would accept this). It is utter incompetence, an old-school value system and a lack of sensitivity to my wife’s needs. And the unwillingness to listen to her DIL to improve how this can be managed better.

It seems obvious that I should have a talk with my mom and say that my wife is feeling upset that she has to make do in the end. My mom won’t accept it and bring couple of real examples of how she takes great care of her DIL (I made this and this favorite dish for your wife. I compromised x and y so your wife could enjoy good food etc) She would bloat the issue to a bigger one of me siding with my wife to accuse her of wanton ill-treatment, cry/create drama and completely side step the issue.

Since the time I understood that this makes my wife feel ill-treated, I have started being extremely cautious of how much I eat. I constantly worry there isn’t enough left. I eat the least minimum that would give the appearance that I am eating ok and not get questions. Savoring mom’s food have lost its charm and meal times have become extremely less enjoyable experiences.

From time to time at the dinner table, I ask my mom, is there enough for everyone. She nods "yes, yes, you eat well". But I don't trust her. But I can’t make an instantaneous audit. I can’t ask, “show me how much food is there and who all need to eat?”. I just have to satisfy myself that the act of asking hopefully makes her think about that.

The easiest thing that would fix her is somehow me eating last. The moment she sees that I don’t have enough, she will over produce everything. I know that will work. But given our practice of men eating first, then kids and then women, it is hard to make it practically work. All of us eating together is also not practically feasible in a big family of 10 people. It is not my house to make wholesale changes to how these things work.

We go out quite often and my wife enjoys those outings. And I create many opportunities to dine out. Every errand we run is always accompanied with us eating out. She has good food and happy time. This issue solely arises at-home only.

As I write this itself I understand how silly it feels to be worrying about these details of basic food. But I realized through painful experiences that if I try to fly past these details (which I did during the first few trips), household happiness would fly with that too.

India families seem to have mastered the art of making lots of people unhappy over inconsequential issues.

- Ravi

Umanga · Jun 28, 2017

Ravikant said: ↑

Thanks everyone for the responses. Since many have addressed the point of my wife eating scraps, let me add some details. The imagery is not one of me having a 3-course meal, while she starves. It is a bit more manageable than that, but nevertheless a big issue.

And it is not that the issue started full blown from day one and I have been doing nothing over the years. You know how these things evolve. And remember, we might have visited our parents say 6-8 times in the last decade and I have had only that many opportunities. Initially you brush it aside, but later acknowledge the issue and hope that they both work it out. But as these things keep happening, you start to figure out what to do.

I know that my mom isn’t a sadist and doesn’t wantonly plan to give less food to my wife (even my wife would accept this). It is utter incompetence, an old-school value system and a lack of sensitivity to my wife’s needs. And the unwillingness to listen to her DIL to improve how this can be managed better.

It seems obvious that I should have a talk with my mom and say that my wife is feeling upset that she has to make do in the end. My mom won’t accept it and bring couple of real examples of how she takes great care of her DIL (I made this and this favorite dish for your wife. I compromised x and y so your wife could enjoy good food etc) She would bloat the issue to a bigger one of me siding with my wife to accuse her of wanton ill-treatment, cry/create drama and completely side step the issue.

Since the time I understood that this makes my wife feel ill-treated, I have started being extremely cautious of how much I eat. I constantly worry there isn’t enough left. I eat the least minimum that would give the appearance that I am eating ok and not get questions. Savoring mom’s food have lost its charm and meal times have become extremely less enjoyable experiences.

From time to time at the dinner table, I ask my mom, is there enough for everyone. She nods "yes, yes, you eat well". But I don't trust her. But I can’t make an instantaneous audit. I can’t ask, “show me how much food is there and who all need to eat?”. I just have to satisfy myself that the act of asking hopefully makes her think about that.

The easiest thing that would fix her is somehow me eating last. The moment she sees that I don’t have enough, she will over produce everything. I know that will work. But given our practice of men eating first, then kids and then women, it is hard to make it practically work. All of us eating together is also not practically feasible in a big family of 10 people. It is not my house to make wholesale changes to how these things work.

We go out quite often and my wife enjoys those outings. And I create many opportunities to dine out. Every errand we run is always accompanied with us eating out. She has good food and happy time. This issue solely arises at-home only.

As I write this itself I understand how silly it feels to be worrying about these details of basic food. But I realized through painful experiences that if I try to fly past these details (which I did during the first few trips), household happiness would fly with that too.

India families seem to have mastered the art of making lots of people unhappy over inconsequential issues.

- Ravi
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What a horror show.

ashneys · Jun 28, 2017

As appreciative as it is to read this mil drama with such details from a man's point of view, it still puts you across as a silent spectator through out the suffering your wife has gone through despite you knowing every little game your mom plays.

Especially the food part, come on, that is basic human rights. Wonder how 'adjusting' you will 'feel', if you went through a tiny percent of any of it. N I do hope that you took her out to eat something afterwards.

But the fact that you have asked for help, shows that you really want to find a way out. And that is seriously appreciative.

Take your mom out or send everyone out and have a One on one with her in the nicest possible way. But reading your words, I wonder if it's gona make any difference with your mom. It's difficult but you goto atleast try for your wife's sake, right?

Don't mix your dad into this. He's just being a supportive husband and avoiding any dramas. For him, she matters the most.

Similarly, you should protect your wife too. It's absolutely not fair to put her through starvation and suffering just because she puts up with it for you.

If you can't make any change there, then make practical changes which you can control, your trips. So instead of goin every 2 years make it 3 or 4 or whatever is practical.
Or if possible, you make one trip alone n one as a family, like alternate it.
Cut short your trip. So Instead of 20 days, make it 10. Or split it between your in laws too.
N the time your wife spends at your home, keep it jam packed. So she has to spend bare minimum days.

Sunshine04 · Jun 28, 2017

Ravikant said: ↑

Thanks everyone for the responses. Since many have addressed the point of my wife eating scraps, let me add some details. The imagery is not one of me having a 3-course meal, while she starves. It is a bit more manageable than that, but nevertheless a big issue.

And it is not that the issue started full blown from day one and I have been doing nothing over the years. You know how these things evolve. And remember, we might have visited our parents say 6-8 times in the last decade and I have had only that many opportunities. Initially you brush it aside, but later acknowledge the issue and hope that they both work it out. But as these things keep happening, you start to figure out what to do.

I know that my mom isn’t a sadist and doesn’t wantonly plan to give less food to my wife (even my wife would accept this). It is utter incompetence, an old-school value system and a lack of sensitivity to my wife’s needs. And the unwillingness to listen to her DIL to improve how this can be managed better.

It seems obvious that I should have a talk with my mom and say that my wife is feeling upset that she has to make do in the end. My mom won’t accept it and bring couple of real examples of how she takes great care of her DIL (I made this and this favorite dish for your wife. I compromised x and y so your wife could enjoy good food etc) She would bloat the issue to a bigger one of me siding with my wife to accuse her of wanton ill-treatment, cry/create drama and completely side step the issue.

Since the time I understood that this makes my wife feel ill-treated, I have started being extremely cautious of how much I eat. I constantly worry there isn’t enough left. I eat the least minimum that would give the appearance that I am eating ok and not get questions. Savoring mom’s food have lost its charm and meal times have become extremely less enjoyable experiences.

From time to time at the dinner table, I ask my mom, is there enough for everyone. She nods "yes, yes, you eat well". But I don't trust her. But I can’t make an instantaneous audit. I can’t ask, “show me how much food is there and who all need to eat?”. I just have to satisfy myself that the act of asking hopefully makes her think about that.

The easiest thing that would fix her is somehow me eating last. The moment she sees that I don’t have enough, she will over produce everything. I know that will work. But given our practice of men eating first, then kids and then women, it is hard to make it practically work. All of us eating together is also not practically feasible in a big family of 10 people. It is not my house to make wholesale changes to how these things work.

We go out quite often and my wife enjoys those outings. And I create many opportunities to dine out. Every errand we run is always accompanied with us eating out. She has good food and happy time. This issue solely arises at-home only.

As I write this itself I understand how silly it feels to be worrying about these details of basic food. But I realized through painful experiences that if I try to fly past these details (which I did during the first few trips), household happiness would fly with that too.

India families seem to have mastered the art of making lots of people unhappy over inconsequential issues.

- Ravi
Click to expand...

Can't agree more on ur last statement.
I applaud you for posting in il forum.
You already knew women here would bash you.

Shreema86 · Jun 28, 2017

My in laws especially my mil treat me like a princess when I visit them .Cook my favorite food, plan fun get togethers, trips and all. In turn when they visit me, I ensure that they are comfortable , feel completely at home, enjoy their stay in every way. If they treated me the way your parents treat your wife , I would put a full stop to my visits and theirs . your wife has been extremely gracious and patient . don't bother confronting your mom, will only lead to more drama. next vacation let your wife stay in her place and you stay I yours . Stay in each others places for 2 days only.na rahega baas na bajegi bansuri.

Sandycandy · Jun 28, 2017

Not trying to be overly critical, but why can't you order food from a restaurant knowing there is not enough to eat. Being the favorite son I am sure there are few strings that you can pull around the house without offending the mother. Isn't it horrendous that you have to watch what you are eating ( not because you have high sugar or cholesterol !!) but because there is not enough to eat.
And it's not fair to ask your wife to adjust because this happens once in two or three years. Also the fact that your mom does not do it deliberately , does not make it less inhuman ! Being a DIL is tough as it is, being a hungry starving DIL is worse !