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Lending Money To His Sister.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by SadMarried, Jun 20, 2017.

  1. SadMarried

    SadMarried Silver IL'ite

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    SIL are very well off backhome. They have cars, they are owner of boarding school, they have income more than us may be. So its not for health or emergencies. I dont know what she said she needed money for from my hubby, but im sure because she knows her brother always says YES to everything she says, she will give it a try. Who doesnt need money if you can get that easily.

    We do have some investment, hence i left our income joint. I wish i had separated my account long time ago.
     
  2. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Op...the second sister wants her share of the loot now. Don't expect the money back since the first one hasn't returned the money too.

    You are in for some fights now. If he sends
    money despite your saying no...you will be hurt.
    If he doesn't send,he will sulk and create fights.

    Next time he brings up the topic, don't argue.
    Just pick up the phone and dial the first sisters number...tell him," let us ask her to return the money she borrowed,then you can lend that money to this sister".( Or give him the phone and ask him to call that sister)
    Wth!!!! There is going to be fight...so might as well have some fun.

    This will show you are open to lending his sisters money provided they really want to return the money and you are not averse to helping out.

    It means he has to make the uncomfortable call to the first sister if he wants to lend money to the second.

    It means he knows you are willing to make people uncomfortable if required.

    Tell him you want security for your family ....ie you both and your two children. Invest heavily for retirement and college funds.

    You should have dumped him when you were in a stronger position. Now with two small kids and not working ,you have to do what you have to do to secure their future.That is what mothers do . Don't feel bad about stopping him from sending money to sisters when you have just had your second one.
     
    Amica, IniyaaSri and SadMarried like this.
  3. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    @SadMarried

    Your husband knows very well that it is unfair to lend money or spend on expensive stuff by prioritizing his sisters over his immediate family. He knows!!!
    He knows very well that his sister no 1 hasn't returned the loan yet, and his wife is upset about it.
    He knows very well that his sister no 2 might as well keep mum after lending this huge money.
    He knows it all!!!

    So, there is no point of fighting, arguing, reasoning or logically speaking this matter with him.
    He will not listen.
    Because you cant wake someone who pretends to sleep.. Got it???

    On the other hand, you have repeatedly said that divorce is on the card. But you seem to have no courage to take this step.
    In fact, I do not see any benefit coming your way by divorcing this man for this matter, unless there is an assurance about a perfect second marriage. But again, your kids, and their relationship with their dad matters too.
    Given the fact that your H is reasonably a good dad, I doubt whether you would opt for separation.

    You say that you are leading a wealthy life in the UK. Owning 2 houses already, vacations and good holidays to enjoy.
    I doubt you sacrifice anything because your H spends on his sisters.
    If so, that's a diff case.

    I do not support his act of spending on his sisters like this. He may save this money for the kids or invest on something else.
    Looks like supporting his sister makes him happy.

    Some men spend on racing, some on alcohol, some even waste their money on gambling.
    As long as they keep their immediate family in a comfortable and safe zone, I don't think these weakness amount to abuse or serious reasons for separation.

    Accept your H's weakness too. No matter what, he would give money to his folks.

    But you can try to gradually tighten his finances by investing or saving or spending more than what you are already doing.
    You can separate your finances if you feel he is touching it behind your back.
    You can make a contingency saving in case of any dark times
    You can strengthen your career and be independent, so that you won't feel threatened about his carelessness on money matters.

    The rest is fate... Not everyone has a perfect marriage, yet we live it happily.
     
    IniyaaSri, SadMarried and poovai like this.
  4. poovai

    poovai Platinum IL'ite

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    I agree with @SGBV. Very practical advice, there is no point in brooding over things that are not in your control. It could be worse in many other ways.

    It will stop once you tighten your savings into separate account and share limited money towards the household spending.

    We have one life to live, make the best out of it by enjoying with what we have.
     
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  5. venlax

    venlax Silver IL'ite

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    Hi

    First pl understand these things happen in most of the families.most people don't even share even with their parents,sibs etc. as it degrades her hubby in front of others esp. piran tha veedu.we should be glad we are having a forum to share & seek advice. pl note that i am not supporting ur hubby's action.i want to highlight some common points. If ur H is helping the real & genuine needs of his family pl understand that one day he will help ur family members also.
    this point is to common to all wives. Unless a person has love& affection to his own family blood relatives, he can't have real love to wife. he may be shower love to children know many will oppose this.think logically.
    as already said in genuine need is there,pl support at least don't criticize. funds are wasted after luxuries instead of getting angry, calmly talk to him how the savings will be useful to ur own family in future for so many things easily said but very ,very difficult to follow.try to practice.as already said by someone the time u start getting angry what is the solution .he will not tell u or tell lies .put yourself in his shoes & think what will u do .Sorry to say this .once the children grow up they will question their father more not only him,u also if u do such things in future.
    i will write after sometime
    ur problem is genuine.May God help u to solve this.All the best!
     
  6. SadMarried

    SadMarried Silver IL'ite

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    thanks dear , whatever you have told is right. I wish i had gut to leave him long ago, now with 2 kids its not easy. Only thing good i feel after having kids is i feel i have someone to look forward to and live for despite hard times he gives me.
     
  7. SadMarried

    SadMarried Silver IL'ite

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    I do understand genuine needs of family. I have known him and his family for quite long time. His married sisters know he never says No to anything they say, so they ask for money not in 1 or 2 lakhsbut 10lakh, in the name of help. And dont talk abt returning anything back. thats looting. They are very rich ppl backhome. Hence the vent.
     
  8. radv

    radv Gold IL'ite

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    OP - so your husband is feeling glorious thinking he is 'helping' his sisters by giving money whereas the fact is they are fleecing him.
     
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  9. SadMarried

    SadMarried Silver IL'ite

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    Thats so right but i wonder if he ever understand that.
     
  10. nuss

    nuss Platinum IL'ite

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    OP- I totally get you and also your husband's point of view. I am like your husband, when it comes to my family-I'd do anything. So to keep peace in my immediate family- we have allowance for ourselves that is ours to use- no questions asked. I spend mine on my clothes, and for gifts for my family that includes vacations as well.
    We put max in our employer retirement plans, in personal retirement plans, college funds for kids, vacation fund, extra towards mortgage. After budgeting for mortgage, daycare, babysitter, groceries, emergency funds, we have figured out what we can spend without feeling a pinch.
    We hardly spend anything on my in-laws (except for gifts on their birthdays and Christmas); however, we spend ~5-10k a year on my family. My husband doesn't stop me because I've been doing this even before we got married and as long as we don't have financial issues, I don't feel bad.
    Is it possible for you guys to work out percent of his net income that he can use anyway he wishes? That will help improve your relationship and peace of mind for him as well.
     

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