Feeling Very Resentful...

NeerjaC · Jun 14, 2017

UPDATE:

Hello Everyone

Wanted to provide an update but not sure how to change the title so I'll just post a reply to the last comment.
My issue was my intense resentment towards my husband which was really affecting my marriage and my feelings towards him. So taking everyone else's advice I just sat back and observed for a few days and tried very very hard not to judge or to ask him for help.
Here's what I've realised: he absolutely hates his job, it's tiring him out, mentally and physically. Then he comes home to screaming children and a fed up, nagging wife! And as others pointed out, I myself was stuck in a routine and it was driving me nuts!
So I've made changes, the house is very messy, but I've stopped letting it affect me the way it used to. I go out, to the park, to the library, to the pool. It's helped with the depression and not having to worry about the never ending chores. The downside is that the housework suffers and we end up having very simple meals most days. But mentally I feel better.
Once I'd started feeling better, I tried to figure out a way of making my husband feel better. I started by not asking him for help, with anything, even if I'm struggling. I've stopped taking his criticisms to heart, I just tend to carry on what I'm doing or I'll just say, "this is how I'm doing it, if you think you can do a better job, go for it!"
That usually gets the message across and he has stopped criticising too.
I'll ask him how his day was, I'll make sure the kids are fed before he gets home and are busy playing so that we can have our own meal in peace. I tell him I love him and I'll kiss him goodbye every morning before he goes to work. If he comes home tired and depressed (which is most days), I'll distract him by telling him about my own day and most of it is mundane but I feel like it helps him stop thinking about work.
In short, I'm prioritizing his needs and so far it seems to be working. He even said that he really likes coming home to me and the kids - something he has never said before. Now if the kids are screaming, he doesn't get annoyed, he'll help with calming them down and putting them to bed.
The other day we went shopping and he actually told me to take my time and he would keep the kids busy - again a first, this has never happened before as he would almost always lose his temper and I would have to intervene! And it worked! He kept the kids busy in the toys section and I was able to shop in peace for myself.
I could go on and on but I think the main point I'm trying to make is that it finally feels like we're a team again. Things aren't perfect but they aren't as bad as they were a few months ago either! So thanks to everyone who took the time out to read about my issue and thanks to those who provided advice!

Purple2017 · Jun 14, 2017

NeerjaC said: ↑

UPDATE:

Hello Everyone

Wanted to provide an update but not sure how to change the title so I'll just post a reply to the last comment.
My issue was my intense resentment towards my husband which was really affecting my marriage and my feelings towards him. So taking everyone else's advice I just sat back and observed for a few days and tried very very hard not to judge or to ask him for help.
Here's what I've realised: he absolutely hates his job, it's tiring him out, mentally and physically. Then he comes home to screaming children and a fed up, nagging wife! And as others pointed out, I myself was stuck in a routine and it was driving me nuts!
So I've made changes, the house is very messy, but I've stopped letting it affect me the way it used to. I go out, to the park, to the library, to the pool. It's helped with the depression and not having to worry about the never ending chores. The downside is that the housework suffers and we end up having very simple meals most days. But mentally I feel better.
Once I'd started feeling better, I tried to figure out a way of making my husband feel better. I started by not asking him for help, with anything, even if I'm struggling. I've stopped taking his criticisms to heart, I just tend to carry on what I'm doing or I'll just say, "this is how I'm doing it, if you think you can do a better job, go for it!"
That usually gets the message across and he has stopped criticising too.
I'll ask him how his day was, I'll make sure the kids are fed before he gets home and are busy playing so that we can have our own meal in peace. I tell him I love him and I'll kiss him goodbye every morning before he goes to work. If he comes home tired and depressed (which is most days), I'll distract him by telling him about my own day and most of it is mundane but I feel like it helps him stop thinking about work.
In short, I'm prioritizing his needs and so far it seems to be working. He even said that he really likes coming home to me and the kids - something he has never said before. Now if the kids are screaming, he doesn't get annoyed, he'll help with calming them down and putting them to bed.
The other day we went shopping and he actually told me to take my time and he would keep the kids busy - again a first, this has never happened before as he would almost always lose his temper and I would have to intervene! And it worked! He kept the kids busy in the toys section and I was able to shop in peace for myself.
I could go on and on but I think the main point I'm trying to make is that it finally feels like we're a team again. Things aren't perfect but they aren't as bad as they were a few months ago either! So thanks to everyone who took the time out to read about my issue and thanks to those who provided advice!
Click to expand...

You can gather some tips for successful marriage by reading my comments on the thread " Are you interested in arranged marriage?" posted recently....

OneLifeToLive · Jun 14, 2017

NeerjaC said: ↑

UPDATE:

Hello Everyone

Wanted to provide an update but not sure how to change the title so I'll just post a reply to the last comment.
My issue was my intense resentment towards my husband which was really affecting my marriage and my feelings towards him. So taking everyone else's advice I just sat back and observed for a few days and tried very very hard not to judge or to ask him for help.
Here's what I've realised: he absolutely hates his job, it's tiring him out, mentally and physically. Then he comes home to screaming children and a fed up, nagging wife! And as others pointed out, I myself was stuck in a routine and it was driving me nuts!
So I've made changes, the house is very messy, but I've stopped letting it affect me the way it used to. I go out, to the park, to the library, to the pool. It's helped with the depression and not having to worry about the never ending chores. The downside is that the housework suffers and we end up having very simple meals most days. But mentally I feel better.
Once I'd started feeling better, I tried to figure out a way of making my husband feel better. I started by not asking him for help, with anything, even if I'm struggling. I've stopped taking his criticisms to heart, I just tend to carry on what I'm doing or I'll just say, "this is how I'm doing it, if you think you can do a better job, go for it!"
That usually gets the message across and he has stopped criticising too.
I'll ask him how his day was, I'll make sure the kids are fed before he gets home and are busy playing so that we can have our own meal in peace. I tell him I love him and I'll kiss him goodbye every morning before he goes to work. If he comes home tired and depressed (which is most days), I'll distract him by telling him about my own day and most of it is mundane but I feel like it helps him stop thinking about work.
In short, I'm prioritizing his needs and so far it seems to be working. He even said that he really likes coming home to me and the kids - something he has never said before. Now if the kids are screaming, he doesn't get annoyed, he'll help with calming them down and putting them to bed.
The other day we went shopping and he actually told me to take my time and he would keep the kids busy - again a first, this has never happened before as he would almost always lose his temper and I would have to intervene! And it worked! He kept the kids busy in the toys section and I was able to shop in peace for myself.
I could go on and on but I think the main point I'm trying to make is that it finally feels like we're a team again. Things aren't perfect but they aren't as bad as they were a few months ago either! So thanks to everyone who took the time out to read about my issue and thanks to those who provided advice!
Click to expand...

That's awesome Neerja!!
It was nice to read about all the positives you have mentioned.

justanothergirl · Jun 14, 2017

So happy to read ur recent post. !

ashneys · Jun 15, 2017

NeerjaC said: ↑

UPDATE:

Hello Everyone

Wanted to provide an update but not sure how to change the title so I'll just post a reply to the last comment.
My issue was my intense resentment towards my husband which was really affecting my marriage and my feelings towards him. So taking everyone else's advice I just sat back and observed for a few days and tried very very hard not to judge or to ask him for help.
Here's what I've realised: he absolutely hates his job, it's tiring him out, mentally and physically. Then he comes home to screaming children and a fed up, nagging wife! And as others pointed out, I myself was stuck in a routine and it was driving me nuts!
So I've made changes, the house is very messy, but I've stopped letting it affect me the way it used to. I go out, to the park, to the library, to the pool. It's helped with the depression and not having to worry about the never ending chores. The downside is that the housework suffers and we end up having very simple meals most days. But mentally I feel better.
Once I'd started feeling better, I tried to figure out a way of making my husband feel better. I started by not asking him for help, with anything, even if I'm struggling. I've stopped taking his criticisms to heart, I just tend to carry on what I'm doing or I'll just say, "this is how I'm doing it, if you think you can do a better job, go for it!"
That usually gets the message across and he has stopped criticising too.
I'll ask him how his day was, I'll make sure the kids are fed before he gets home and are busy playing so that we can have our own meal in peace. I tell him I love him and I'll kiss him goodbye every morning before he goes to work. If he comes home tired and depressed (which is most days), I'll distract him by telling him about my own day and most of it is mundane but I feel like it helps him stop thinking about work.
In short, I'm prioritizing his needs and so far it seems to be working. He even said that he really likes coming home to me and the kids - something he has never said before. Now if the kids are screaming, he doesn't get annoyed, he'll help with calming them down and putting them to bed.
The other day we went shopping and he actually told me to take my time and he would keep the kids busy - again a first, this has never happened before as he would almost always lose his temper and I would have to intervene! And it worked! He kept the kids busy in the toys section and I was able to shop in peace for myself.
I could go on and on but I think the main point I'm trying to make is that it finally feels like we're a team again. Things aren't perfect but they aren't as bad as they were a few months ago either! So thanks to everyone who took the time out to read about my issue and thanks to those who provided advice!
Click to expand...

Awesome

Its a good example of how to turn things around positively and productively when you start the change. If you can achieve this in just a matter of few months, imagine in a longer run.

Way to go

Laks09 · Jun 16, 2017

Loved the update, N! Baby steps do make a big difference. Looks like you found ways to strike a balance.

blessings1010 · Jun 16, 2017

Dear OP and the other posters here, thank you for very good suggestions here.
We do not have kids yet, and in general, we still have not come out of the honeymoon phase yet. But some suggestions mentioned here are great for every couple. Every now and then, it helps when we think from other's perspective and feel their situation.
My guy also tends to get tired in his new job ( doesn't like new place as much). He doesn't talk about it but lately, he tends to get relaxed with his mobile games and Jack Daniels. I am suffering from chronic back pain and arthritis, and he notices my pain but feels helpless. He started criticizing me for taking up too much work and I started questioning him on his screen time. We both want to get fit and start a family but the time seems to test us currently. I am glad, I came across great suggestions here- because we surely are not enjoying our time lately as much as we used to.
Thank you for updating @NeerjaC.

NeerjaC · Jun 17, 2017

blessings1010 said: ↑

Dear OP and the other posters here, thank you for very good suggestions here.
We do not have kids yet, and in general, we still have not come out of the honeymoon phase yet. But some suggestions mentioned here are great for every couple. Every now and then, it helps when we think from other's perspective and feel their situation.
My guy also tends to get tired in his new job ( doesn't like new place as much). He doesn't talk about it but lately, he tends to get relaxed with his mobile games and Jack Daniels. I am suffering from chronic back pain and arthritis, and he notices my pain but feels helpless. He started criticizing me for taking up too much work and I started questioning him on his screen time. We both want to get fit and start a family but the time seems to test us currently. I am glad, I came across great suggestions here- because we surely are not enjoying our time lately as much as we used to.
Thank you for updating @NeerjaC.
Click to expand...

@blessings1010
It's hard when a husband and wife both get into your own routines and I feel like communication just stops. I know my husband is unhappy in his job but I'm hurt that the kids and I aren't enough to distract him from his problems. I've come to realise that it's unfair of me to think this way. He needs his own space to unwind just like I do.
For me, this means waking up before everyone else and having a cup of coffee, watching the sun come up and just planning my day. For my husband, it means being able to shut himself in his room and watching his TV shows. It's taken a while, but I've learnt not to resent him for it. But I do try to draw him out by talking about my day, what the kids did, asking him about his own day. Sometimes he doesn't want to talk about it and I'll simply change the subject to something else. But I try not to leave him alone for more than half an hour.
He too criticizes me - sometimes when I've been working extra hard, the kids have been running around, I'm running late with dinner, he'll just say, "why do you need to do all this?"
I used to get offended, I work so hard all day to make our house a home and all he can say is, why do you bother?
Now I've come to realise that he feels guilty for not being able to help me. He sees how tired I get, he knows I've had wrist pain for a couple of weeks now. And he know that my day starts at 6 and doesn't end until 11pm. Sometimes I don't even have time for lunch. He knows all this and he isn't able to do much to help. He feels guilty and he feels like he is letting me down.
On the other hand, although I do get tired and frustrated, sometimes all I need is acknowledgement. Now when he sees I'm tired or fed up, he'll just hug me. I've learnt to do the same to him. You won't believe how much that little gesture means to both of us - just giving each other a hug.
Coming on this forum has helped. Just writing down my feelings like this has helped. There's been some great advice on this forum and I am grateful for it.
Hope things improve between you and your husband - and if all else fails, just give him a big hug!

blessings1010 · Jun 17, 2017

NeerjaC said: ↑

@blessings1010
It's hard when a husband and wife both get into your own routines and I feel like communication just stops. I know my husband is unhappy in his job but I'm hurt that the kids and I aren't enough to distract him from his problems. I've come to realise that it's unfair of me to think this way. He needs his own space to unwind just like I do.
For me, this means waking up before everyone else and having a cup of coffee, watching the sun come up and just planning my day. For my husband, it means being able to shut himself in his room and watching his TV shows. It's taken a while, but I've learnt not to resent him for it. But I do try to draw him out by talking about my day, what the kids did, asking him about his own day. Sometimes he doesn't want to talk about it and I'll simply change the subject to something else. But I try not to leave him alone for more than half an hour.
He too criticizes me - sometimes when I've been working extra hard, the kids have been running around, I'm running late with dinner, he'll just say, "why do you need to do all this?"
I used to get offended, I work so hard all day to make our house a home and all he can say is, why do you bother?
Now I've come to realise that he feels guilty for not being able to help me. He sees how tired I get, he knows I've had wrist pain for a couple of weeks now. And he know that my day starts at 6 and doesn't end until 11pm. Sometimes I don't even have time for lunch. He knows all this and he isn't able to do much to help. He feels guilty and he feels like he is letting me down.
On the other hand, although I do get tired and frustrated, sometimes all I need is acknowledgement. Now when he sees I'm tired or fed up, he'll just hug me. I've learnt to do the same to him. You won't believe how much that little gesture means to both of us - just giving each other a hug.
Coming on this forum has helped. Just writing down my feelings like this has helped. There's been some great advice on this forum and I am grateful for it.
Hope things improve between you and your husband - and if all else fails, just give him a big hug!
Click to expand...

I am so glad for indusladies too. It has been a great real life support. Keep up with what you are doing Sweety.. I trust that everything will go brighter for you from now onwards..
Yes hugs work for us too..

Thank you

bruised234 · Jun 17, 2017

I am asking independent of your post, I am also feeling resentment right now, should I let it go or bring it up? I feel DH does not ask my opinion in things if I don't contribute monetarily, if I do, he asks but does not heed my opinion. Is this how a relationship should be? No communication whatsoever unless I insist on it, and that also if it convinces him, otherwise it is his judgement. It is like he does not care for my likes and dislikes, the reason being "I don't have a brain" most of the time. I don't know if I am an indifferent, selfish person, who is at fault here. From the past three years, I am trying to let it pass but the resentment is just growing. I know for my sanity's sake it's better I let it go, but sometimes I wonder, just how much can I take as a person? When, just when will he realize what he is doing? Or is it that I am myself so selfish that I am getting what I deserve? Am I just seeing the bad in him and not trying to do anything good? Maybe, otherwise I wouldn't be suffering like this. Maybe it is me who is causing grief to myself. I know I can't do much, so why, why can't I have a peaceful sleep instead of bothering about anything? Does independence mean, "don't ask, don't tell" policy. So if I want something, I just go grab it for myself and do it instead of asking for anyone's opinion, is that what it is? It feels taxing to have to fight for anything, every single thing needs a lot of thinking, if I have to go somewhere, I need to be convincing, if we need to get something, I have to give the "right" reasons, for every single thing, there is a lot of thinking involved. I am wondering even if I grew up the wrong way a lot of times, considering the drama I get to see when his friends' wives manipulate their way to get things done. Is relationship nothing but manipulation? That's what it feels like to me now.