A Married Life Which Never Started

Amrapali,
Sorry if my words hurt you. Life is tough for each of us and in no way wanted to hurt you. I am not in your shoes and don't know exactly what you feel. Sorry again. I do realize maybe I did not fully understand your problem and tried to give a solution.

 

i m a bilology phd so i know a thing or two abt selfish and unselfish genes lol...i think my point of view is based on practicality ...urs is more on emotional side .....i just cant see the logic behind procreating when there r millions of orphan children lying on roadside ...and as far as selfish genes is concerned , the same gene teaches a tiger to eat little cubs on lioness , so that he can impregnate her with his genes ...so should we start.. doing that??? u r relying too much on a book ....half knowledge is dangerous thing...why dont u read the book - " Countdown: Our Last, Best Hope for a Future on Earth? "
it will balance ur perspective by showing u the practical aspects of decisions.
i agree with u ..that this segment is diverting from it subject ...so lets leave it at that... peace

 

Yes, I for one don't understand why you are being accused of depression when that is clearly not the case. Get rid of this fellow and move on with your life. There is nothing stopping you. You don't need the approval of this forum.

 

I relate with you 100% percent. Every marriage has some expectations. But, This is a marriage that your husband has initiiated, after a pursurance of an year or so ..You would expect some responsibility at his end to keep you happy, if he had wanted you so badly in his life. You are not at fault to expect that he would have plan to lead a life as a couple and multiple decades of togetherness. He should understand what keeps you happy in this relationship and implement them accordingly. He may not be able to do all, but atleast at some level. This seems to be completely missing on his part. I dont see anything wrong with your expectation or You in this marriage. I also understanding that you are doing your part to keep this marriage peaceful from your side, as mentioned in the post.

I can understand your feeling of being old. Its not about the age being 40,its about doing right things at right age. You do not want to spend your life in waiting for your husband to come from work, when you are young and energetic. working on weekends as well takes big toll on marriage, If there is as it is less communication over the week. When you have been in a situation for a very long time and and seems never ending, one would feel very tired and aged. its just a sense of feeling, and not that we are pondering over the "number". Many women tend to generalize men, that men tend to be like this and like that,but each person is different, depending on sensitivity and maturity, and the understanding between the couple. I feel its just for our own adjustment we give this reasons to ourself, that in general men are like that.

I can also understand your dis-attachment from your job. I feel for you and the pain your are going through. If work life balance is not good, either work or family life gets affected depending upon which part is suffering. I feel for some women, something that grounds them is family. its all about emotional support, whether be it from husband or if have had kids (husband ,kids and extended family). This gives some sense of purpose of life and becomes driving force to do much better in the work life. This feeling of being emotionally dependant not make the women less strong, needy or something, they tend to be like that, while they are financially independant. Every one has felt weak at one point or the other. we can aim to be a super woman, but to get there we have to overcome many different kinds of feelings. There is should be balance of everything in life. If someone is exccessively career driven/or likes or for whatever reasons they work long hours, i think they should give a second thought about marriage. They should understand they are not bringing a gadget home as a wife/husband, but a person, whom you have promised to share everything and respect his or her feelings.

I believe that you are very reasonable person, and you are adjusted with this kind of life for quite some time and now you have reached the breaking point. He has to understand and come around or just leave him the way he is. I am sure that the phase, where he is high on his selfishness will fade away and will look for you. if he is still lucky he will find you around, or his bad luck.

But i would suggest dont think of separating if you still love him. May be plan a 3 day or a weeklong trip with him to some place or even a weekend getaway, and dont do grocery for a weekend. Do the grocery over the week days. As it is we have to 2-3 places to complete weekly grocery (Indian shop and bj's or costco/Walmart). if he comes home early do that together over the week else you could do it your self.

Try planning a weekend getaway. If he is resisting that , then try taking a guided tour trip to some part on your own. you wont feel so awkward or lonely. This is a major step, believe me. Once you do that, you will lessen your emotional dependency on him. You already said that you dont plan on getting another marriage or have kids, then why not just let this marriage stay like that. Try not to get involved in the "in-laws" bussiness. Just ignore them as much as you can. dont hold it as a grudge, or feel that you are doing it forcefully. But just let it go organically. If they dont accept you, fine thats not your problem. Dont leave your job . Your job will keep you connected to people. if you leave it you will feel even more lonely.if there are women,with whom you can hang out in your office, try to set up girls nightouts/ dinners/lunches etc. They are some fun. . You may also take a month or 2 break and come to your parents, spend some time wiht your loved ones.

Think of doing something that you have not done for a long time. May be pour glass of champangne/wine, sit down and read a nice book or music or a movie all by yourself. Sometimes it can be very calming and relaxing.

Try to get involved in growing spiritually. There is Art of living, Vipassana sessions in USA as well. Even if they are not near to you, travel to that place, stay there for a week or so, and plan the whole trip by urself.

Just give it a try. It helped me, and I hope it works for you as well.

Sorry for such late reply- Wish you good luck and a peaceful life.


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OP, I don't know whether it is ok to ask. I have read many replies here, which reflects more or less similar suggestions. I am sure you might have read and thought about it. Just curious to know what( suggestions here) do you think works for you or you think it may work. Reply only when you are ok with it or just ignore it. You seems to me like a person with analytical thinking.
Best wishes

 

Thanks @Nonya for the insightful info . I posted that in #41 of this thread and similar points were raised by other ladies. OP gave us a detailed reply on how it worked in #52. Let us not discuss this point further. I don't want to hurt OPso feelings in anyway. Thanks

 

OP, ur case is common amongst 50 % of love marriages that end in divorce/ not all-- where hubby fought against his family to marry u but now is guilty so keeps aloof from wife!.....its sad u missed out on true love........

.u r in west, marriage n kids in 40s is no big deal .......keep ur options open...TRUE love n marriage n kids based on TRUE LOVE is tooooooo beautiful ...its a joy that every human being should experience at some point in his life !!...keep urself slim n fit and u can get a shot at true love !!

 

I am just a slow, late reader of this thread that is all. History of women's subservience is not specific to any one nationality, it has been suffered by many, and economic dependence and social approbation had always been the primary causes of such suffering. Until very recently, even the females of the enlightened west were in the same boat.
My comment directly addressed your question to point out that millions of women are, and have been reluctant badmates of their husbands. Setting aside the proverbial headache, for whatever other similar local cause, and not England, is the only difference.

And btw, I am still slowly reading along the chain.