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Please Advise Me On What's Bothering My Husband.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by apuviki, Sep 6, 2016.

  1. Bestmom

    Bestmom Silver IL'ite

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    True..even me very possessive..can't allow a single thing which belongs to her..I Dono how OP compromised.
     
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  2. apuviki

    apuviki Bronze IL'ite

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    Thank you to each and everyone who were actively on this thread with me during my tough times, I can't thank you enough for giving me your suggestions to my problems. @SGBV you have nailed every bit of the word into my head clearly and thanks a million for this. I have been making arrangements to sign up with a therapist in the UK itself and hopefully I will be starting with that soon.

    @Bestmom thanks for understanding that emotions doesn't have any place with education. There were many here who thought why I was surviving in this marriage despite being studying for a PhD. To be honest, accumulating human capital by having education or work experience will never really help anyone to leave the rship. For women who have financial independence, they may convincingly leave their H's maybe bcz there was no emotional connectivity after a point. In my case, I am financially independent as i get an above average stipend for my education in the UK, and also make some good money from my teaching. So, it is not that once I finish the PhD, and get a job I might definitely leave him. I'm not at all dependent on my parents neither my H at present for financial reasons and in fact I have offered to provide equal contribution until the time I was in the US.

    As @SGBV rightly pointed, I also sincerely believe it could be my low self esteem that is making me unable to get out of this mess. So, I see it entirely for emotional attachment reasons and not waiting to get financial independence. Despite my nerves boiling up to call 911, I decided not to do it only out of concern for my H and our rship. Whether or not, I have a PhD, even if I was uneducated, I would have definitely thought over many times before calling the cops.

    First, my mom was diagnosed with illness on one hand and second, I was stunningly shocked over H's behavior right after marriage. He was extremely sweet enough and down to earth until then and any girl in my situation would have probably taken some time to get over the sudden changes in her H's behaviour. It took almost two months to bring myself to understanding that H has totally fallen out of our marriage. As an early wish to fix issues, I was there to find out the reasons bothering him as I was not definitely willing to walk away from the marriage. All along, thirdly, I had PhD pressures on my shoulders and I still have. Combating with three issues at once totally put me off at a stage. I did not even have my personal avenues open (my family to vent out) and that kind of built my emotional blockage further. While some of my friends were giving me hopes to fix this only bcz they saw the good side of my H before marriage, the other set of friends equally thought why should I survive when I had the financial independence to walk out. I tell you, PhD never has a role in my marriage. I gave importance only to my feelings lingering on my H and that alone made me to wait for hope. So to revalidate my feelings for my H a therapy would be of great help. I have been unable to concentrate on my thesis and missed on almost three conferences and two paper submissions that i was planning to do the last year. All that I had in plan for my career milestones didn't materialise and I had to pull them up this year somehow. While my career is already lagging behind, I can't empty my energy on him and still push my career at the back burner. This is why I thought I won't take any steps at least until i finish my PhD, and not bcz I was waiting to get some financial independence.
    In that manner, I would be very pleased to hear some of your advises on how to get yourself detached from feelings for your partners when you start understanding yourself that this rship may not work any longer.
     
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  3. prestine

    prestine Silver IL'ite

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    Pretzel,

    We know you are thinking good for OP, but please let us be compassionate, given her situation, we might do the same thing too.

    You can say you won't but we haven't walked in her shoes.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 31, 2017
  4. sabarimathi

    sabarimathi Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Apuviki,

    Since you have an year's time before you rejoin your dh, I would say use this time to think and discuss with your parents and other relatives. For now, divert your attention to anything else other than your marriage woes. While you may find many sympathizers , you won't find many empathizers.

    Try to place your decisions on the intellectual pros and cons rather than the emotional pros and cons. Life is full of challenges and you have to be a fierce fighter at some point of time.

    Until your recent update, you wanted to make your marriage work. If you, at some point of time, wanted to make it work, then you have to work on a few things. Your emotional dependence on your dh is understandable, while that on your MIL is not. You have to wisely [not all] pick up your battle with your MIL, not as a loner but with support from your parents. Your dh initially had issues, which he seems to fix as you bring them up. That which once worked should work again. Try to recollect how you succeeded in doing, and you may find a way. A few of your problems that sounded malignant turned otherwise - your mom's incorrect diagnosis, so as to say. This may happen with your marriage as well. If so, my best wishes to you and to your dh.

    If you decide to end this marriage, the options are endless and Good Luck on that as well.

    In any case, your life is in your hands. Whichever path you choose, you are sure to find happiness and you sure will. All the Best.
     
    apuviki likes this.
  5. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Do you still have feelings for your partner?
     
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  6. SunPa

    SunPa Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear Op,
    One of the first things you must do is love yourself. Self love and self respect are important to anyone. It is your duty to do so. And one more thing, if there is no mutual respect there is no relationship. Be it brother-sister, parent-child, or husband-wife. And if you do not respect yourself, no one else will.
    I cant advise you on how to overcome feels for a partner. But if you become desperate, you become weak and you stop respecting yourself. Harden your heart. You deserve love and respect on your own terms. Your love for him is emboldening him to treat you so badly. I have a full time helper, i treat her with more respect and care than you have been getting.

    I havent walked in your shoes, i dont know what is holding you back, but what ever it is you have to break out of that fear. Hope you reach a point where you can draw lines and tell your husband , Enough! one more time and I will stop being nice. Honestly, I feel if you could bravely and confidently give the ultimatum to your husband, he will buckle.
     
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  7. bruised234

    bruised234 Gold IL'ite

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    Prioritize OP, you need not go for separation, just because everyone is asking you to. Any human being will tell you to leave because they will get vexed with your description. First brace yourself, because you are in trouble, look to get a job first, you don't have the luxury of thinking something else, be serious about finishing your PhD. You are having hopes because he was nice to you and then he became nasty - so you are wondering what you did, for him to change. From what you described, he is at equal fault for having not thought of it before hand. People are more sympathetic towards you, do you get that? Just fix your finances first. As for your husband he was never a guarantee so why bother about him, concentrate on yourself. Given the circumstances it is difficult, but that is what you need to do. If you keep wondering about it, you will lose out an everything, you don't want that. He is not going to turn around, not going to sympathize with you, he himself is sick, don't wait for him.
     
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  8. prestine

    prestine Silver IL'ite

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    Hello OP,

    You have to watch for these 3 things,

    1) Your husband using AbuSe as a habit in future to make you obey him
    2) If your husband can fall head over heels for his ex (who was somebody's wife), he can as well fall for you with all the love, respect and trust
    3) As much he/you think that he is worthy of love, you are also worthy of love.

    If you want to give him a another chance, you have to become headstrong. You have to be of clear what you need and what you will accept.

    Dont grow your love by sympathizing him, You are the VICTIM of abuse, not him. you have shown your self worth, its for him to realize and change. take a break and become strong. Grow self love and self respect. Rest will fall in place.
     
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  9. AngelNew

    AngelNew Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear I have got only one thing to you hats off and take this :worship2::worship2::worship2::worship2::worship2::worship2::worship2::worship2: for being into such a violent relationship and still trying your level best to continue this hardcore abusive person and in the name of love and dear I truly salute your hardwork you did as women will find it hard to go to the extent you went and I am sure most ladies here will agree with me that they would have filled for divorce within six months of this abusive relationship
     
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  10. JGVR

    JGVR Gold IL'ite

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    Dear OP,

    Prioritize and focus.Focus on completing your P.HD and then on getting a job.If you are jobless after completing your studies, then the same abuse by your H and MIl will continue.Only if you have a job you can really find out your H behavior towards you and decide on the future of your marriage.

    Just put your H on the back burner and enjoy your time alone.Sometimes relationship issues heal or mellow down if you give them some time and be away from them.Good luck.
     
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