Pregnant & So Unhappy :-( Advice Needed Pls!

desigirl1 · Mar 17, 2017

Hi Ladies,

I really need your advice. Just to give a short story of where my life is at right now....I am 29yrs old and got married last year and moved to a new city. Before that I was working full time for past 5 years as an engineer but have not been able to get a job in this city as it is much smaller and the market here was low last year so I have been completing a Masters in Engineering degree part-time while searching for a job. Since I am now 29..hubby and I decided it would be a good time to plan to have a baby and then move to the bigger city (where I am originally from) by the time the baby arrives / few months after.

First we got a small scare from the doc that it might take us some time to get pregnant...but then luckily I got pregnant in the first month of trying. I am still very early on as we only found out a few weeks ago. Since we found out instead of being happy we have been fighting continuously on small petty things and i am so stressed. THEN this week, my inlaws called my hubby and said they want to come and visit us in a july/aug and stay for a few months (minimum 3-4). I asked hubby to ask them to come after my delivery as I will be in my 2nd trimester and so uncomfortable with both my m inlaw and f inlaw in the condo as I am feeling so hot recently and need to wear loose comfortable clothes and since I am not working I will be home the entire day. Also, I have been having migraines etc and need to rest a lot as I am not allowed to take any extra medication during my pregnancy. But my husband totally flipped and said how can he ask them to come later etc they are parents and can come whenever they want. So I explained to him my problems and he said ok then i can talk to his mom and ask her to come in nov/dec after my delivery.

When I called his mom I told her we are very excited for them to come but think Nov would be better after delivery...she was very rude and said my father inlaw and her son will decide (as they both do what she dictates). I said that my hubby had asked me to talk to her but she would not listen. When I told hubby this and asked him to talk to her..he again snapped at me that he did not understand why I would not be comfortable. UGHHH! I am not telling them not to come...just to come 3 months later ... his mom is so unreasonable. When I told her we cannot call this summer as I will be heavily pregnant she said well they cannot come in Nov as it will be too cold for them here (Canada) - I wanted to say well the same way u can't understand my problem, I can't understand yours!. Anyway, hubby said he will talk to them but that he cannot stop them from coming if they are forcing.

I am so frustrated. The only solution I have is if they come I will go to my parents place in the city where I moved from and finish my masters there as I anyway wanted to graduate from the university there as it is more prestigious. But I will be really sad to have to go through my first pregnancy away from my husband. But I also feel that if my hubby cannot understand and my inlaws cannot understand why I am requesting them to come later then I really have no say in my own house...so why should I stay here and let them just do exactly what they want and be so uncomfortable.

ANYWAYS! I don't know what to do. Hubby and I had such a huge fight about this and he said he will not talk to them right away as they will feel offended if we both talk right away. He only ever cares about them and I really thought that when I am pregnant he will care about my comfort too. When I told him that girls inlaws don't come during pregnancy ever...if anything girls parents come if she needs help...his reply was well all i know is that the girls go back to their parents house. What the funniest thing is his mothers sister lives in the US with both his daughters and their hubbys --- then its fine for the girls mother to live with their daughters :-I Hypocrites!!!

My mom is telling me to just relax and focus on my health and baby and stress management....and most likely he won't call them now and if he does I have a very good excuse to go to my parents place to finish my masters.

What do you girls advice? Has anyone ever been in a similar situation where they have had to live apart from there hubby during pregnancy?? All my excitement for this baby is gone nw and I am feeling like it was suck a big mistake to plan a baby now. I just don't understand why indian boy's parents feel they own their sons house!

PS: I don't want any bias advice from any men

WiseAgnes · Mar 17, 2017

Dear OP,
you should do what is best for your and your baby health and well being. You said that you don't want to be away from your husband. But you and your husband constantly fight about small things. You also said that he refuses to address your concerns and make sure you are comfortable. So I assume your husband is not supportive right now. So yeah, maybe you should go to your parents house if it means your stress level will decrease.
My in laws did come to visit us when I was pregnant, but it was a breeze for me. My MIL cooked me delicious things all day every day and my FIL helped my husband to renovate our kitchen and painted the babies' room.
Why are your in-laws coming? Are they planing on helping you guys with housework while you are pregnant and with the baby? Or their "visiting" means that you will have to entertain them and take care of them? If so, you should go to your parents. Your health and mental state are the priority right now

YoGirl · Mar 17, 2017

OP,
Wearing min\loose clothing is not a good reason. You can use AC in ur room\house if you have hot splashes. First trimester and second trimester symptoms may be different.
Anyways, the real problem is here is much bigger. Your in-laws not understanding your pov. On a different note, understand that everyone will be excited with the news of baby and hence doing their best to gel into the family more than needed.
Now coming to the real problem, this is when differences start between wife and husband. All the baby related events which needs to be performed with joy, turn out to be events just for the sake of it. When proposing something to husband, think from both sides of the coin. Its good that you voiced your concern cuz you are only thinking about the best for the baby and you. But try to find a middle ground. Dont dictate the solutions, instead say to your h "what do you say? what is your opinion? I am thinking of the best for baby", etc. His opinions should matter too. I dont like the idea of you going to mom's place just to avoid in-laws. Its your house first.
After all this, if your in-laws still plan to come, "Good Luck to you"..i suspect more ugly things in the future.

boldnbutiful · Mar 17, 2017

OP, I was in the same situation as you butbmy IL visited me at 9th mnth of pregnancy..i told mu hubby t ask them t come after baby is 2-3 months old as my mum was also visiting and they crqa big rucus on it. They will come on pretext of helping but trust me THEY DON'T instead tehy create differences in btw hubby n wife ,tehy dint help me a bjt..there are some lucky ones whose IL help and that's really nice ,but majority they wont...

op,right now pls concentrate on ur baby..trust me I am saying this on experience,any stress in pregnancy can affect ur baby a lot.

It is morally wrong to ask ur IL not t come (they wont understand the reason except that DIL told us not t come) so if j hv an option go t ur parents place(saying this bcz ,stress.during pregnancy has lot of effect on baby and the mother ,I went thru it and dun want anyne else t face it).
Hubbys wont understand any of these,no point in expecting them t understand pregnant not pregnant its the Samee..

Be cool and dun stress urslf

MalStrom · Mar 17, 2017

I guess you can't prevent them from coming when they want at this point. See how their visit goes and escape to your mom's place if you feel really uncomfortable.

penpaal · Mar 17, 2017

@desigirl1 first of all congrats on your good news.
Don't take much tension as your mom said now you have to concentrate on your health .Now you are not one, you are two!. You are missing precious moments of your baby thinking and caring about your unsupportive husband and in laws .. your stress will effect your baby no one else ..

You already have solution with you. In case your ILs are coming you can go to your parents place and complete your masters . It will be difficult to manage both and baby and masters . So one way it's good if you can complete your masters right now .

You already have your plate full . ( Your baby and masters ) so don't waste your time thinking about in-laws and hubby . Right now your health and baby is more important . You can concentrate more on what to eat month wise ( based on development of different parts of baby ), baby meditation, baby shopping , taking pics of your belly , so much cute moments to enjoy .

It's just a phase . Realise it and enjoy this precious moment .

greenchilli · Mar 17, 2017

Well you have told your difficulties and you have informed your in-laws as well.You have tried.Nothing wrong in your part.
Yes they are hypocrites.
You are expected to work like a normal women even when u r pregnant.Thats how ILs are.But don't get in to that good DIL agenda.
Get your rest.cook what u can.Else eat out.Do what you can.Dont stress.
Eating home cooked food is important during pregnancy but it's far more important to have less stress.
ILs come in the pretext of helping but they never do.It may be different for you hopefully.
If nothing is going good leave to your mother's place since pregnancy hormones makes situation worse.
If you cannot leave to mother's place then keep yourself positive .

chocolate · Mar 17, 2017

OP,Congrats on your pregnancy. You are letting everybody walk all over you. First of all your husband shud think about your comfort above everything. Premises of pregnancy doesn't make a difference. Reality is you are pregnant and your comfort is important.

You need to put your foot down and tell in laws can come after baby and when you can manage to take care of baby and household. In laws never help. They just want to see whereabouts of son's home and tell everything is wrong and make DIL's do mindless,exhausting work in name of things are done in this way in their houses.Not to mention adding spice in son's marriage like your wife doesn't do as we say or like.

Pregnancy is only 9 months long. In laws visit is for 3-4 months. Even 1 month of negative atmosphere can effect your pregnancy immensely. Either you put your foot down or go to your parents. You have to think about you and baby first. Not everybody else and afterthought of baby.

You are looking at long line of MIL pushing your buttons telling FIL and son decided. Nip this in the bud and say you are comfortable if they visit you after baby is 3 months old.Tell your husband the same. If he says no pack your bags and go to your parents.Good Luck.

rose8282 · Mar 17, 2017

You may not like my advice. I do not understand why you are saying no. Of course it is their sons home and you have been married only for a year! You do not even know how you will be at that time and you are already refusing their company. You are pregnant, not sick. Be strong. Invite them and treat them like your own parents. If you feel ok, go out with as family together. This time before the baby is the best time to go around carefree. After the baby arrives, it will always be what the baby wants, where can we take the baby? If in case, you feel nauseous, headaches etc take rest and take your hubby's help to avoid work. If nothing works, then just give a polite reason and excuse yourself to go to your parents home. Give some bs reason but do not tell the real reason. Never burn your bridges, until you have really reached that breaking point. You need your husbands support an be part of his family/life and you aint gonna get it if you dont start treating his family as yours. Remember, I am not send bend over backwards to serve them. But you do not even know how the circumstances will be that time.
Please try to support your husband because he is the one who will support you with all phases of the baby. Your bonding with your husband needs to be strong before you even contemplate having a baby.

Sangeeta85 · Mar 17, 2017

rose8282 said: ↑

You may not like my advice. I do not understand why you are saying no. Of course it is their sons home and you have been married only for a year! You do not even know how you will be at that time and you are already refusing their company. You are pregnant, not sick. Be strong. Invite them and treat them like your own parents. If you feel ok, go out with as family together. This time before the baby is the best time to go around carefree. After the baby arrives, it will always be what the baby wants, where can we take the baby? If in case, you feel nauseous, headaches etc take rest and take your hubby's help to avoid work. If nothing works, then just give a polite reason and excuse yourself to go to your parents home. Give some bs reason but do not tell the real reason. Never burn your bridges, until you have really reached that breaking point. You need your husbands support an be part of his family/life and you aint gonna get it if you dont start treating his family as yours. Remember, I am not send bend over backwards to serve them. But you do not even know how the circumstances will be that time.
Please try to support your husband because he is the one who will support you with all phases of the baby. Your bonding with your husband needs to be strong before you even contemplate having a baby.
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Your advice abt having inlaws when they ask to visit is same as my mom ... even after so many fights between inlaws n me n my husband my mom still says call them it's their son house too..giving these ppl chances over chances n they r still the same ..

But when they come it's always horrible... even during my pregnancy n delivery they were worst..
I just hope dear op inlaws turn out good.. don't know it's good to call or bad now but the truth is they will come eventually get ready n be prepared..hopefully u r smart mouth n presence of mind (which I don't have)..this will take u long way..