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Actively Thinking About Divorce - Any Positive Experiences?

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by BhumiBabe, Feb 9, 2017.

  1. Nonya

    Nonya Platinum IL'ite

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    You appear to be a ripe candidate for emigration to a different country, or at least a different province that has a different culture. When you are not known in the new place, you can start anew with a different perceived reputation. Move. And then, Move on.
     
    Sunshine04, GoneGirl and BhumiBabe like this.
  2. cheenu123

    cheenu123 Gold IL'ite

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    @Nonya,

    I dint get your sarcasm. Anyways, emigration to a different country or a province with a different culture? I'd rather say it is people like you who have stiff preconceived notions and who constitute the so called custodians of society!
     
  3. Nonya

    Nonya Platinum IL'ite

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    Dint ? because there ain't none.
    Relocation After Divorce is very relevant for peace and mental health, when there are no children of divorce, and court ordered strictures for joint custody and visitation rights:
     
    Last edited: Feb 16, 2017
    omnam and momsky like this.
  4. Lady1

    Lady1 Silver IL'ite

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    Dear BhumiBabe, you have been dealt with a tough hand by life. My sincere sympathy.

    As another ILite rightly pointed out, divorce does not seem to have any 'positive' outcome. My family has seen this first hand. We in India, have a very different but truly experience-based view of marriage and all that fruhaha about the sacredness etc., is mainly to keep you in the bond that has been created between two individuals and to keep that intact for the offsprings that are as dependednt on that union as they are on each one of you, for their holistic nurturing. You say you have a child also, so, you must consider how to make this work much more than those who are already in a good marriage.

    The child does feel abandoned even if there are legal arrangements for time with each parent. It does blame itself and may require counseling. It does form its opinion and norms of what love and marriage are based also on its own parents' troubled if not failed marriage.

    You must not live dissatisfied since marriage is a daily thing and a legal divorce on paper doesn't make all of it completely and fully dissolved and completely go away-- you have created a life-long remembrancef it in this child as well. Towards that, please consider doing tge following, now tgat you are stopping in your track, looking back and starting to 'think' seriously (even if the best time for that in this issue was probably when you thought about whether you two should or should not engage in 'marriage nd family life.' Agreed, it may not have been your choice):

    1. YOU DESERVE TO BE TRULY SATISFIED AND HAPPY EVERY SINGLE DAY WHEN YOU WAKE UP TO FACE THE DAY AHEAD, BUT YOU ALSO NEED TO STAY HAPPY IN YOUR LATER LIFE AND WELL-PROVIDED FOR.

    2. YOU EED TO CONSIDER EACH 'CULTURALL,' AND EACH 'PERSONALITY' PROBLEM AND SEE HOW TO SOLVE IT TO SUIT YOU.
    YOU SEEM TO BE LUMPING THEM ALL AND TURNING THEM INTO A GROWING HATRED FOR YOUR SITUATION.

    I am not saying this lightly and without understanding that there may be real problems you are facing that stem from him. However, I am simply pointing out to you tgat if you take tge quick-cut solution like divorce for a problem tgat has slowly grown to unbearable proportions, you will take the same approach to face every single resultant problem because of that one and will realize when nothing more could be done that the correct way out of this was 'patient problem solving.'

    3. 3.GO TO THE ORCHESTRATOR OF YOUR MARRIAGE AND TELL TGEM YOUR 'DIFFICULTIES,' CLEARLY, IF YOU CAN AND ASK HOW YOU SHOULD RESOLVE THEM. IF THAT DOESN'T HELP, THINK OF WHAT BROUGHT YOU TOGET INTO THIS UNION AND REVIVE THAT, IF YOU CAN PUTTING SINCERE EFFORT INTO IT.

    3. AT THIS POINT, YOU CAN ALSO TALK TO HIM AND TELL HIM THAT YOU BOTH HAVE TO NOW DO THIS REPAIR TOGETHER. YOU HAVE TO SAY THIS WITHOUT TOO MUCH EMOTION. LIKE YOU WOULD IF YOU WERE TELLING HIM TGE RENT WAS DUE OR SOMETHING MUNDANE.

    OF COURSE IF NONE OF THIS WORKS AND, HE IS ABUSIVE AND INCORRIGIBLE OR IMPOSING HIS WAYS FOR YOU TO COMPLY INTO, ETC., YOU WILL PROBABLY END UP SEPARATING. YOU DO GAVE TO CONSIDER THIS OTHER PERSON YOU HAVE BROUGHT INTO THIS WORLD, DIVORCE OR NO DIVORCE! PERIOD!!!!
    Good Luck!
     
    Vaikuntha likes this.
  5. dia3

    dia3 Silver IL'ite

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    Please think of your little kid and for its sake, stay away from toxic environment, even if it means divorce...lots of divorced women are quite happy n there r lot of success stories.... When a mother is emotionally or physically unhappy, the child no matter how small picks those vibes and its mental/emotional health is affected in the long term- lot of times it shows up as autism or personality disorders in these babies/toddlers when they grow up.

    I am surprised that you born and raised in US have such a hard time knowing your rights when u apply for divorce which includes decent child support n alimony so why hesitate in taking right decision & judging the obvious which does not need approval from all strangers here..

    u should be talking to the right attorney in your state when u have reached a point that you feel suffocated in your marriage ( u don't even like being physical with ur husband n think of it as ur duty as he is the prime breadwinner---why do u have such poor esteem--- --what happended to you?..did u go through some trauma to have no self respect that u r giving sex to ur hubby when u don't feel like just because he is ur hubby and primary breadwinner...why such poor esteem ....Please go for counselling to regain your self esteem otherwise u will get treated like a doormat by ur second hubby as well..

    stop acting like an illiterate villager woman from some small village in India who is helpless because she doesn't have access to the right resources ...even women in US who come to US from very small cities in India have no problem opting for divorce when things r awry and for welfare of their kid !
     
    Last edited: Mar 16, 2017
  6. ivlakshmi

    ivlakshmi Platinum IL'ite

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    There are positive stores but those stories are rare..Harsh reality is it is very tough..unless there is physical or mental abuse involved one must adjust and stay in marriage. Try to see how best you can tackle the situation and stay in marriage. Being financially independent and facing male dominated society at work place is not easy.
     
  7. Aarushi

    Aarushi Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi OP,

    You asked for a positive story and here is mine. I was married for 13 years to a guy who was physically, emotionally and verbally abusive. I had 2 kids with him. I stayed with him primarily because of not enough family support, what will people say mentality. I suffered and suffered. Then I got cancer one day and the doctors told me that I had internalized all my abuse inside me and that had resulted in the tumor. When my ex still kept his yelling and screaming at me even during my chemo and post surgery, I realized that I would never heal if I stayed with him.

    It took me a year to get through the divorce proceedings, but I have never been happier or more peaceful. I feel liberated and happy every day that I live and come back to a house that is peaceful and quiet. Some of my friends deserted me and ignored me when they came to know of my divorce. But then I made new friends, lots of new friends. It has been one and a half years since my divorce was final. I am the happiest I have been in my life. I have a great career, great friends, have started dating recently and love it. I am the primary guardian for my kids and the kids are so much happier and enjoying life when they are outside of a traumatic, abusive marriage.

    I do hiking, running, volunteering, dancing, go out with friends. Friends and family tell me that I have never looked more beautiful or gorgeous. I am 45 and am mistaken for 35...:) They ask me my secret. I tell them it is lack of stress...:) Being in a stressful relationship pulls you down, saps your spirit. I am asked out by men all the time and honestly that does wonders for my ego..lol. I have even had a one year relationship since my divorce with an American guy who gave me more adoration, love, passion and respect than I had ever experienced. We broke up due to different life goals but still remain friends (he was a doctor and wanted to move to a remote corner of Nepal to provide healthcare for the needy...and I wish to live in the US). but hey my point in telling you this is that life is amazing and I am super happy! :)

    It took me a long while to take the decision to divorce, but once taken, it has been the best and easiest decision of my life.

    “All too often women believe it is a sign of commitment, an expression of love, to endure unkindness or cruelty, to forgive and forget. In actuality, when we love rightly we know that the healthy, loving response to cruelty and abuse is putting ourselves out of harm's way.”

    Take care and hope this helps.
     
  8. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    @Aarushi, Nice to hear about a positive experience of divorce. That too after 13y into marriage. Stress will slowly kill a person, that is sure. Many people stay in abusive relationship worrying about the 'terror of being alone". It will be nice if you can share more insight into how you overcome the above fear or thought about how to face society. How do you manage everything alone. How does kids adjust with reality? Are they aware about the details of what happened?

    Have a happy life
     
  9. Aarushi

    Aarushi Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi DDream...

    Thanks for your wishes! :) I too had a lot of fear of being alone. But facing my mortality up, close and personal and realizing that I could die tomorrow because of my cancer made me get rid of my fear. I thought that if I had 2 days to live in this world, then I want to live in peace. I woke up one day after a particularly bad abusive episode and decided I was done. Done with the relationship, done with my ex. Not one more minute, not one more moment was I going to live with him and suffer. My parents were here to help me through my cancer treatment and saw the daily abuse I went through. My parents had been against divorce before, but one day my mom finally broke down and said that he will kill you one day. It doesn't matter what the society says but you will not live with him anymore. You will get a divorce. It is getting more common these days and after a few days people will find something else to gossip about. Our lives are more important than some over rated gossip. It was a learning curve for both me and my family since no one in my life had been divorced. But once I took the decision, it was easy.

    I manage everything alone beautifully. Having someone yell, scream and threaten to hit you for minor matters can be very demoralizing. When this toxicity is not there, it feels amazing and extremely uplifting. Like you are out of a prison. Like a dark cloud has passed you by. Like the dark night is over. I now do everything at my own pace and enjoy doing it. I take care of my house, job, kids and do not feel that much stress. I was doing it before also so honestly the workload has not increased. It is just that the stress factor has reduced big time. I have less to clean up since my ex was messy. I have less to cook since he wanted home cooked food every day. Now I cook simple stuff for my kids and myself. My time is my own and I have no one to answer to. I go out when I want to. If I decide to out on a date and the kids are with me, then I get a baby sitter for a couple of hours.

    My kids are happy and thriving! Their teachers tell me they are kinder to their classmates and display less anger in school. Before the divorce, they saw their dad hitting their mom and it was very traumatic for them. Yes, they were aware of what went on, since their dad would hit me, slap me, use his fist on me, choke me, call me names in front of them. They saw me crying, feeling sad and depressed. My 4 year old at the time would come and hug me and say mommy, I love you and try and provide comfort.

    However, with time, now they have forgotten most of it. When they stay with me, they are happy and when they stay with their dad they are happy. I broke the news of my divorce filing to them by holding their hands and telling them that they've seen how sad mommy has been. And to get better, mommy needs to stay away from daddy. Mommy and daddy still love you and nothing else will change for them. Same school, same friends...just that mommy and daddy will stay separately. They nodded and accepted it for the most part. Initially they were apprehensive but slowly they realized that the change was actually better for them. No more shouting, yelling, toxic atmosphere in the house. In their school, they joined a support group for kids whose parents were also going through separation or divorce and now they just accept it as part of life. What they have learnt from this experience is that it is not ok for men to abuse women. It is not ok to be hit. It is not normal for husbands to yell and scream at their wives in a regular healthy marriage. It is ok to walk away from abuse in any form. I am setting an example for my 2 little girls and am proud of it.

    Hope this helps...:)
     
  10. Aarushi

    Aarushi Platinum IL'ite

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    Life is to be lived and savored...living in unhealthy relationships is not what God or the universe intended for us. One bad decision does not mean, you suffer for it throughout your life. But for anything, you need to take ownership of your life first. If you keep depending on others to take your life decisions for you, then you will forever be disappointed. Step up and take charge of your life. It can feel wonderful! :)
     

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