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end of 24 yr marriage?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by indianlawyer, Jun 18, 2013.

  1. SSSGupta

    SSSGupta Gold IL'ite

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    I think , i can relate this to some extent.... I have a 4 yrs old son and I work from home and sometimes all this makes me mad like... my son, my work, home ... I really dont get time for myself and I m 30(comparatively younger) I get super duper frustrated and can not understand my husband many times... and u have two girls.... do they go school... does ur wife get some time in day for herself..... belive me it feels like u ll go mad.... sometimes....
     
  2. joylokhi

    joylokhi Platinum IL'ite

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    Have gone thro your posts, and as a senior woman who has gone thro' the good and bad of family life, i would say i can understand your frustration- but definitely separation is not the solution- it will only complicate matters for you at this age because you will definitely not like to see your children suffer. Like many members have said, please go in for a joint counselling- although it may be difficult to convince your wife when she feels you are to blame for everything! You can start with helping out more with the kids, general work around the house and not arguing to the face(although you may be right) for some time. You will then begin to see the difference in the children"s behaviour also. All the best.
     
  3. indianlawyer

    indianlawyer New IL'ite

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    Hello,

    back again. I stayed in the marriage but am still in the same situation.

    Kids are growing and they have plenty of school/outside activities . I spend all my time either with them or at work.

    Our married life is still the same, if not worse. My wife is very busy with her work and is stressed. I do so many things to try to make it easier for her, around the house, kids activities, finances.etc.. The only thing she really needs to do is go to work and come home. I do not even enforce this on her. I told her she can quit and stay home. She makes a lot more money than me, I dont know if that is the issue. Sex life is non existent too. Probably because I have no interest in sex (with her) whatsoever. Its a chore for me and I never feel like initiating. If it never happens again it would not bother me.

    I feel somewhat OK, (if there is such a thing) when I am with the kids or when I am at work. I hate being home when the whole family is there, The feeling of tension/restlessness is so bad.

    Unfortunately, I am "the viilain" and the "bad" husband as far as my wife is concerned. I can do no right by her.

    Most conversations the wife and I have always seem to end up with her saying I dont do this, I do this wrong, I do that wrong etc... Cannot win anymore..

    Mind is filled with suicidal thoughts. Can't live like this.

    Someone asked me "Where do you see yourself in 5 yrs time?"

    I answered "I wish I am no more in 5 yrs"

    I feel so broken.......

    :tearsofjoy::tearsofjoy::tearsofjoy:
     
  4. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    After reading your initial posts and now, I can tell time hasn't made things easier. I would think that marriage counseling would be helpful, to at least communicate (I'm not sure if you have already tried this), but I would rather focus on you than your marriage.

    Please take care of yourself and get help for your suicidal thoughts. You have two wonderful children to live for, remember that. Depression is a real thing, so please find that help to keep yourself afloat - exercise, new friends, hobbies, anything. It's hard to be positive when there are so many marriage issues, but you can't reason with someone who won't listen. Bring peace and clarity to yourself, and then make a decision for your future. If that means leaving your wife, you'll be strong enough to do it.
     
  5. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    Run and Run!!. You are just surviving. It wud be good for you to file divorce asap and run from this claustrophobic living. Your wife may be in marriage just for namesake. File for divorce asap for yourself and your kids. You are only giving your kids the impression that its okay to live in such dysfunctional marriage.

    First stop inform your wife you will be moving out and filing for divorce and look for accommodation. Find a rental nearby and file divorce .Ask kids where wud they like to live permanently. If they say they want to live with you , take them and make suitable arrangements .For right now you need to find a hobby to channel this all your energy and stop negative thoughts .For right now have a talk with your wife.

    What will you being no more in 5 yrs achieve. You kids will miss you and you will miss their memorable moments. You will only leave them longing for what might be if their father was braver to tackle this mess and come out for them.Think and decide.Good Luck.
     
  6. Nonya

    Nonya Platinum IL'ite

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    Looks like you are in a stable place. Your wife is struggling to find new expressions to critique you. We don't know her side of the story. Very likely she is complaining about how she is swamped at home with lots of chores, a dud for a husband, and demanding kids. If there are any sympathetic ears at work, perhaps an office romance would bloom, and she might elope.

    Do you have maid(s), cook, driver etc.. at home for help ? < you never mentioned any of these, and leaving us to wonder if you are doing all the chores.... and leave us imagining a guy in apron with a toilet plunger in his hand >

    You've got to think positive that something bright is around the corner. After all, you had done so well for the past three years. In a few more years, your kids will be off to college, and you'd be an old guy, who does not have to give a darn about anything.
     
  7. Rise

    Rise Platinum IL'ite

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    It's not easy to look after kids.. you both are tired extremely tired.Get help. Hire a nanny call cleaning services. Both of you take a break.Can you or wife travel alone can u get parents or friends or cousins to take Care of kids for a weekend?
     
  8. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    I believe, she got into dominating character with her success in her profession.
    May be she wants to see you as more aggressive in life.Some people are like that, they want more and more and if the partner is not aggressive like them, they will be very unhappy with partner.
    In that case you probably need to define your role and be less softer to her and her demands and her needs.Then she will come down to earth and see what family means without giving in her temper tantrums.
     
  9. paru123

    paru123 Gold IL'ite

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    OP, pls can you give some examples from your house which ends with your wife saying that you are wrong. May be she is a perfectionist and want everything to be like that.

    Pls get any of your relatives to live with you, in laws or your parents. How does she behave when any relatives visit your house or vice versa. Since she is earning more than you she is feeling superior to you in all aspects. Is she the dominating type in her office also. Then, may be she is playing the same role at house. In such a scenario it's difficult to change her behaviour but not impossible.
     
  10. paru123

    paru123 Gold IL'ite

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    It's actually very stressful to deal with kids at the age given. You can take her to a Dr and get her checked for BP, thyroid, a complete medical check up.. bcos many ladies show these kind of behaviour when they are unable to control things as per their wish. Kids at 40 with a stressful job is in fact a big headache coupled with age related problems. Bring in a mediator of her choice to take things forward.
     

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