To Divorce Or Not To..

It's about having realistic expectations OP.. Expecting husband to pursue wife by giving compliments like college romance or newly married days , or passionate *** like newly married days after 8 years of marriage is too much..
To add to this is the high stress levels of MNC jobs..low job security..increasing prices of all commodities, work pressure and travelling in traffic at the end of the day from office...affordability of kids education..any good school charges 1 lakh INR plus...donation is a different matter..that pretty much kills the romantic mood at the end of the day...
But when "it" has happened many times earlier, and the act has made you successfully pregnant, means "it's" happening normally..if the frequency isn't good u initiate it..
If he needs "help" you can help him..do not let ego come in the way.
Women are so progressive these days, and so many options are there in terms of spicing up love life such as exotic lingerie, vacation packages, Internet etc, man2 should not have been given opportunity to intrude..

 

More often than not OP's had already decided what to do, assuming that they are really not practicing writing novels, and needed some help with portions of it. The messages from everybody is for everybody. I bet there are many who benefit from these views, and wonder about their own personal goings on. These IL'ites just read; and not write. May be they are not planning to write a novel. Most advice threads end up without a closure. Desperate IL'ite asks for recommendations on something or the other, all members pitch in, and then the thread peters out. zilch.

 

Since you have a job to support yourself why dont you move out ? How can anyone restrict your freedom if you are ready to walk out just as you are ? After all you have decided to leave your son in your husband's custody.

 

@sruthiroopini so sad to know how things are unfolding. I would advise you to stay as calm as you can and decide on your next move very carefully. If you want to move to another city, make sure you have enough time to take your son with you. If you leave your son behind, later getting custody of him will be very tough.also he will feel abandoned by his mother and that will be detrimental to him in the long run.

 

I have been following this thread on & off maybe I got some details wrong ( please forgive me on that)

Please don't leave your son behind. I am suggesting this behalf of your child's interest-

Firstly your son will miss you. Miss his mother, a female figure in his life.
Secondly your dh may abuse your son ( in your absence) if or when he is angry at you.
Thirdly it's not at all a good idea even for a short while to leave your son with anyone especially a dh from who you want to separate from.In case there is a custody battle.
Fourth- your dh may raise your son with an ill will towards woman, based on what your DH faced.
Fifth- what happens to your child if and when your dh decides to re-marry?


You may find it hard to manage in the initial stage. Your child may not accept the man-2 but in long term you as a mother will need to take responsibility for your child. You are responsible for your child, the child has all the rights to question you "why you didnt choose him to take him with you".

It may not be as easy as I have typed-- but if you do take your child with you-- this is something to consider----

1.First of all step out of your house. You dont need to be treated as a child where you are punished for 2 hours. Please walk out. Pack your bags and walk out. Even with your parents yelling at you. Don't move into a different city. Not the best thing for you now.
2.Rent a house/apartment. Move in with your child. Get settled. Tell your parents that you are happy being alone.
3.File for divorce
4.Get to know the man 2 more.
5.At some point introduce man 2 to your child- please give more than 5-7 months for your son to adjust to living with you and accept you and your dh are separated.
6. Please take your child to a counselor in the case of a divorce and introduction of the man 2
( your son is seeing the abuse done to you, although adults may think child doesn't know. You child does know something is not right) having things told "as is" is the best way to go with children. Dont be ashamed, dont put your dh down, or put yourself down. Just be honest. Sometimes its just easier when you take your child to a therapist in this situation.

 

Went through your other thread, as mentioned by you. How are your fertility issues coupled with infrequent sex, unable to be timed around ovulation ?

You said for a similar issue in a Friend's husband, "cilalis" worked. What is it ? Something like Viagra ?

 

Dear Op,

Sorry for being rude in my previous post.
You are here asking our help, so we should give you suggestion instead of being judgmental. support anyone in life keeping aside my own opinion on their decisions.

my sister in law ( mother of 2 kids )had exact similar issue achieved divorcing a rich well settled guy who was a great father and married a handsome sweet talking guy.
The 2nd guy dont have money, job but he is very sweet talking. she keeps sending pics of him giving her surprise gifts. he calls her darling etc infront of all. so i think yea may be this is what she wanted. Her first hubby was dominating serious type of guy.

Difference is my sister in law is very cunning and painted a very different picture during divorce and you are too innocent to openly tell everyone as intimacy as only issue.

SIL first made everyone in family believe that she is taking divorce because hubby is abusing her, took her salary and brought his own family some properties. well that was going on from 12 yrs and as long as her name was on properties she was safe.
she herself told me with pride about the business they started. where as during divorce all those were painted as she was forced to give money for business etc.
The whole discussion that ex hubby was sleeping separately in another room, doesnt touch her after 2nd baby etc was not at all mentioned.
my inlaws love their daughter like hell so they were big support to her. Exaggerated to all relatives that she was bearing all these yrs for family and now cant take his abusive nature so separating.
I was also confused like why sudden decision, till few months back they sent happy family pics. I only realized when heard my husband scolding her to wait for marriage for another year. she was planning 2nd marriage after 2 months of filling divorce, sent pic of a tall handsome guy.

so the key point here is, change your approach. Instead of honestly saying the xx as only reason, stress on his abusive nature. however i donno how far they will believe now.
as some IL said i dont think your husband as a great person. instead of working on his personality, he trying to show you as bad cheating women is not a good thing. That means he is never going to work on himself and only blame you for your thinking.

1. Start working on your communication with your parents. and try to bring them your side. Obviously they are scared of society so have ganged up with your husband. You are too innocent and told in your initial post that your husband is good. same impression to parents obviously they will scold you.
2. Say one fine day, your parents are in your support. Then you can achieve what you are planning for.
You can take your son go to your parents house, first file for divorce from current husband as per lawyer suggestion. keep your son with your parents.
3. after 6 months marry man2.

If you try to do alone without parents support, they may stop talking to you and that may cause more mental agony for you.

 

Hi Sruthi....so sorry you have to be in this situation.

I think I can see both perspectives here - yours and your family/husband's.

First I'll start with family/husband's. They disagree with you completely, which is very obvious. Hence, they are using force to get you to stay/change your mind. This ofcourse will not work because you are in a troubled state yourself, and if anything, need support of near and dear ones. Here are some positives to consider:
-your husband has pushed you - but he has not laid a hand on you...I am in no ways trying to underplay what he is doing. He has not right to touch you forcefully, but what I am saying is that he can still be worked on and may come around
-parents have your best interest at stake. Just like the rest of us here, they want what's best for you.
-you have a son who is healthy, happy, and he loves you

Now your perspective - you have gone through a rough time. I saw some of your other posts as well - you have gone through your fair share of issues in marriage. From IL to husband not standing up for you, to being termed dominating, to moving across the globe from US to India. However, you have overcome these issues. And have done so quite well. You have also given your husband his due in your first post as well. Somewhere, frustration has built up, leading you perhaps to a different person who has painted a very green picture - something that the rest of us don't trust.

Next consider this. You don't have to do anything that people tell you to. That is a given. However, you also don't want to do things just to teach people a lesson, or to assert your rights. You want to do what is best for you. I think in your current situation, you are not in a position to do what is best for you long term. You just have to let this storm pass and settle, without too much damage. The first thing you need now is peace of mind. Maybe go for some yoga or spa, just something to relax your mind.

You need either your spouse or your parents on your side - and I think you need to put any long term decisions on hold (because any decision you make in this state of affairs may not be good). Just buy some time right now and focus on yourself. You will however need people to understand this. And by all means, keep Man2 out of the picture right now - don't complicate things.

Take a time out. Ask and request this calmly of your spouse/parents. Also tell them you want to do what is right - because you don't know if you are making a mistake. And you need some time and peace to do that. Take them into confidence - and accept that you may have erred just as they may have.

Relax. Protect yourself. And think hard away from all pressures.

 

Just think if it is really worth to break the integrity of the good family?
All those glitters are not gold. You will realize it only when you start to live with another person.
You may read the stories in this forum.